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filed under: Josh Hartnett

September 02, 2008

Josh Hartnett Gives New Meaning to "Heading to the Library for Some Cramming"

Despite having eyeballs the size of M&Ms and less charisma than a package of Lunchables, Josh Hartnett somehow stumbled upon a successful Hollywood career and Scarlett Johansson's jugs. And now, we can see that famous wooden emoting style on camera yet again in his latest cinematic offering: Josh Hartnett and Some Gal Screw on Tape in a Hotel Library. According to The Mirror, Josh took a lady back to his hotel in London and did some advanced studying in the private stacks and it was all caught on security camera. Oops. A source said:

"Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy. After stumbling in quite late, they legged it to the library and immediately closed all the curtains so that no one could see in.

"Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place - the library included. This means their every spit and cough was recorded, and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh's X-rated moves. No one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.

"Josh didn't seem bothered that the library wasn't locked and anyone could just burst in. He just kind of went for it.

"After the event, someone had a quiet word in Josh's ear and he was asked to take his personal business elsewhere in future. Josh took it on the chin and didn't kick up a fuss. He's been as good as gold since."

OK, haha funny story and everything, but seriously, we can't believe anyone talks like this, even in England. It's like the Mirror takes a normal quote like "Josh Hartnett was caught on video cramming it into some girl in a hotel" and they send the clip down to their editorial department for sprucing up. And said department consists of a nineteenth century Cockney bootblack looking over the copy through a monocle, quill dipped in red ink and poised to make it all the more jaunty. "'Josh said he understood and went back to his hotel room'? Nae! 'Josh took it on the chin and didn't kick up a fuss.' Oye, that's much improved, by gum! Now where's me cards, it's time for a trifle and a spot of whist."

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November 07, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Matt n' Mandy, Sittin' in a Tree

• Is our sweet angel Mandy Moore getting Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (Yeeeah!)

• Our favorite opiate connoisseur, Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (Drunken Stepfather)

• And Pete's ex, Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (Taxi Driver)

• Jerry O'Connell has hot wife; poor self-esteem. (The Blemish)

• Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (Cityrag)

• Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (Daily Stab)

• Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (Egotastic!)

• Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (Derek Hail)

• Rihanna and Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Which is causing poor Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (PopCrunch)

• Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (TMZ)

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March 29, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

• Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

• Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

• Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

• Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

• Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

• Cruznett!

• Gyllenspoon!

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January 18, 2007

And Now They're Porking

Have you been boning the same boring person for eight years because you know that if you dumped said boring person there would just be another boring person--who would probably be less attractive or fatter or more annoying--to take their place? You should totally become a celebrity! Then you could change partners every six months and each one would be prettier and more successful than the last. Now you'll just have to work on getting talent and looks and charm. That should be easy. more »

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January 09, 2007

This Week in Celebrity Schlongs

How has your penis been occupied in recent days? Have you been hard at work trying to calculate the exact amount of floppage when you run across your living room naked? Or perhaps you've been tiring it out with the Real Doll you bought yourself for Christmas. In an effort to make your crumpet trumpet feel a bit less lonely, we will now check in on the celebrity wiener antics of Josh Hartnett and Orlando Bloom. more »

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August 31, 2006

Scarlett Johansson Provides Sweet Relief from Thinking Too Hard about Movie Plot

Critics are having a hard time with Scarlett Johansson's new movie, The Black Dahlia. They all agree that while the movie is captivating, they had a hard time following the plot after watching Scarlett's sex scene with her real-life man-candy, Josh Hartnett. We mean "hard" time literally here. more »

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August 11, 2006

Scarlett and Josh One Step Closer to Creating Stunning Mate for Shiloh

Scarlett Johansson and her charmingly squinty man-candy Josh Hartnett are not only handsomer than most Hollywood couples, they're smarter, too. Eschewing the usual Tinseltown courting timeline--meet on movie set, drop respective mates, deny romance while making out in nightclubs, get engaged after three months, marry, fight, divorce after 11 more months--they're taking it slow. After a year or so of dating, they're moving in together. And getting their bedroom soundproofed. While it's not on the same level as, say, Paris Hilton's stripper pole in the kitchen or Pam Anderson installing a trapeze in the bedroom she shared with Tommy Lee, it's still impressive. As long as it's not to mask the sounds of Josh weeping with inadequacy after being faced with the two most celebrated bosoms in recent history. more »

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March 03, 2006

Josh and Scarlett Get Lost in Tantration

We continue our round-the-clock coverage of Scarlett Johansson's cans and their whereabouts and goings-on with a tale of tantric sex that her beau, Josh Hartnett, tells, complete with the amazing quote:

"Sex rocks! Sex is really cool!"

We tried to think of something snarky to write here, but if one were to have intercourse with Scarlett Johansson, I'm sure one would be inclined to don a white baseball hat and a Coed Naked Twister shirt, high-five any and all errant passersby, and whoop, hyena-like, "Who da man now, dawg? I'm da man! I'm da man! Whoooo! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" more »

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December 22, 2005

Scarlett Johansson: Girlfriend of the Year

You think your girlfriend is really cool, right? She lets you have control of the remote and even keeps her mouth shut when you pop in a Girls Gone Wild DVD. Well, she's no Scarlett Johansson. She says, "Go pork other girls. That's cool with me." more »

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August 26, 2005

CNW Junk Drawa: Hookups and Hairdos

• Natalie Portman: Last of the Mohicans.

• Dear Russell Crowe: PLEASE PUNCH US. WE NEED THE CASH.

• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!

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CNdb: Josh Hartnett Review