filed under: Jordan Bratman

Some women need high heels, sexy lingerie, or red lipstick to feel sexy; not Christina Aguilera. She's at her sexiest when she's passing a pissing, shitting, squealing infant through her vagina. In fact, motherhood so makes her ladyparts throb that she's planning on doing it again. Reports The Sun:

FANS of CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S gargantuan post-pregnancy boobs need not fear shrinkage – she’s planning on having plenty more kids to keep them pumped up.

The Dirrty beauty’s breasts have maintained their eye-popping shape and size since the January birth of her son, MAX, with husband JORDAN BRATMAN.

And nature won’t be granted much time to reduce them if the singer – who credits motherhood with making her feel “very sexy” – goes through with plans to add to her brood.

When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely!

“Motherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very confident and very sexy as a mother.”

So other than having a bald baby knawing on her fake funbag, what makes Christina feel sexy? Cleaning toilets, evacuating her dog's anal glands, and this guy:

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The coolest thing about being a totally in-your-face rock star is freakin' out the square, am I right or am I right, people? Christina Aguilera sure as hell knows what we're talking about--apparently, she's got all the fogies in her neighborhood shaking their colostomy bags with ire because she and monkey-man husband Jordan Bratman insist on enjoying extremely loud naked lust sessions in their backyard pool. An irritated neighbor complained to Star:

“They don’t just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises. We’re happy that they’re happy, but we wish they’d keep it down a bit. There are a lot of old people who live around here, and they don’t like noise after the dinner hour.”

Although it's no Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Scream with Sensual Ecstasy in the Wilds of Africa, it's a nice display of connubial passion, to be sure. Though it's a bummer that their game of Marco Hole-o is causing the elderly to have trouble digesting their liver and onions during Empty Nest reruns. It's like Cocoon, in reverse. more »

Thanks to In Touch Weekly, you can finally start shopping for baby presents for Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera. According to the mag, Nicole is gestating a boy while Christina is baking up a girlchild. Personally, we think the genders would do better switched, since Nicole's child will be wispy and waifish and Xtina's has a 50/50 chance of coming out looking like this. Dlisted says:

Xtina is back in Los Angeles after her doctor ordered her on bed rest after contracting the flu. She cancelled the rest of her tour and came home. Xtina has yet to confirm she's popping one out.

A source claims Nicole wanted a girl, but she's "happy" she's having a boy. This source said, “She’s having fun planning for the baby — shopping, picking out names and designing a nursery."

Well, yeah, that part of having a baby is fun. Wait until the creature actually births and she finds out that you can't just drop it at doggy day care for a nail trim and fur condition. And that babies don't really like being toted around in Vuitton purses. And that babies eat food, which will have to be kept in the home. Oooh, that's right! We weren't about to let this one go without a Nicole-Richie-is-skinny-joke! In your face, world! more »

Various sources are claiming that Christina Aguilera is pregnant. TMZ reports:

Casually dressed and sporting dark sunglasses, Xtina and hubby Jordan Bratman had their driver drop them off at NY's Maternal Fetal Medicine Association -- a practice known for their expertise in high-risk pregnancies and state-of-the-art ultrasounds. Guess we know what this girl wants!

After leaving the doctor's office, the happy couple stopped for a bite at Capitale on the Lower East Side. You'd be hungry too if you were (possibly) eating for two!

Also, Christina was seen touching her stomach, as sure a sign of pregnancy as swooning, the vapors, and a pocketwatch dangled over the belly, rotating counterclockwise. Unless we get notarized reports of proof of pregnancy, we're calling b.s. on this story. Why? DUH. Christina is an Oompa Loompa and her husband is a proboscis monkey. You can't crossbreed those species; it's biologically impossible. more »