filed under: Jon Voight

Can we pass some sort of law that requires Jon Voight to wear a muzzle? Fuck energy independence; that's what this country really needs. OK! magazine reports (via Celebitchy):

“The twins! Holy smokes…I’m hoping, so we’ll see,” he tells OK!. Voight and daughter, Angelina Jolie, have had an infamously estranged relationship in recent years. And while the two are reportedly trying to mend their broken bond, the actor has yet to meet his twin grandchildren.

“I think she’s very happy,” Voight tells OK!. “I saw her here before the twins came, and she was so happy. I’ve never seen her that happy. And she’s got this beautiful film with Clint [Eastwood] out, so there’s going to be a lot of energy around that one as well.”

We believe Jon Voight about as much as we believe anonymous sources who blab to the Enquirer. He might as well be saying, "I saw their personal family photos (in People magazine), and I even know their middle names. I am so on the inside of this thing. I know way more about Cox and Valentine than you do." more »

We've been gypped. Somewhere along the line some lonely blogger with a neglected boner heard the words "Angelina Jolie" and "twins" and immediately started to resurrect his very detailed Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield fantasies, only with poutier lips and billions more dollars. And somehow that rumor spread, until everyone on the interwebs thought it was fact that the Jolie-Pitt kiddies would pop out sans baby wieners. Not so. Angie was cut open on Saturday, and one messianic boy and one female bundle of perfection were pulled out. Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline now join the ranks of Max and Emme Anthony and Phinnaeus and Hazel not-Roberts as A-list mixed-sex twins. Way to go, Angie. We thought you had more individuality in you. Like maybe you'd blow everyone's minds and birth twin raccoons named Bandit and Scamp. Brad really has turned you conventional.

You may be racked with sadness over the missed opportunity to polish off you old Olsen twins countdown-to-legal-twincest calendar for a greater purpose, but you know who's even sadder about this birth than you? Jon Voight. Sure, as soon as he heard the announcement during a Living Lohan commercial break on E! he was on the phone with every press contact in his Rolodex (which by the way looks like this: New York Daily News, New York Post, People, Star, Us Weekly, James Van Der Beek, and a couple of pages marked "Angie" and "James" with the contact info left blank). He gushed and gushed about how happy he was for his daughter, telling The Insider:

"I'm over the moon - it's magnificent. In this world, all we can hope for is that mommy and the kids are healthy. I'm very excited. If I were called today, I'd be there."

We're pretty sure that as soon as that phone call ended he cried into his Hungry Man dinner. But we can't really feel sorry for him. We're guessing that if that call from Angelina ever comes, Jon will equip himself with high-tech hidden cameras a la a John Stossel investigation and sell the footage to Access Hollywood. more »

• Today's "Inseminated or Ugly Dress?" contestant: Katie Holmes. (Celebrity Mound)

• Angelina Jolie is planning on burying the hatchet with dad Jon Voight. Maybe now, he'll finally learn Zahara's name. (FemaleFirst)

• Maria Menounos nearly bares her two-nos. (Taxi Driver)

• Lindy Loho has cancelled her 21rst birthday blowout. Instead, she'll celebrate by chugging Listerine in the Wonderland bathroom. Aw, that was mean. Sorry, Linds. (Celebitchy)

• Beyoncekini! Beyoncekini! (Cityrag)

• Jessica Alba poses sexily for Arena; still talking about how she hates being sexy. (Derek Hail)

• Yes, random stripper, we totally believe that you had a deep and meaningful love affair with George Clooney. (Allie Is Wired)

• Jessica Simpson: back to blonde and Pam Andersonesque proportions. Let us celebrate. (Egotastic!)

• Kate Bosworth takes off her bikini just long enough to slip a bit of nip. (Egotastic!)

• John Voight finds his daughter "fascinating" and "attractive". And "stunning". If Papa Joe Simpson ever gets out of the daughter managing/ogling game, he might have a worthy replacement. (GlossLip)

• Sienna Miller slips both nip and panty waistband in the same outfit. Now that's multitasking. Slutty multitasking! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Busta Rhymes got Busta-ed. What a hilarious play on words! (Yeeeah!)

• Vanessa Minnillo shills for Bongo jeans. Bongo's still around? What's next, Jessica Alba for Palmetto and Mischa Barton for Camp Beverly Hills? Anyway, cleavage. (Derek Hail)

• Eva Mendes either showing a swath of upskirt panties, or she has a crotch that is a colorless, shadowless void. But which? (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Moss turns up with white powder on her pants. We dunno, Kate is pretty much a pro at blowing rails--it's hard to believe she'd let some go to waste hanging out on her Tsubis. (The Blemish)

• Scary Spice is taking Norbit to court, cuz she's mad at him, haaaay. (TMZ.com)

• Carmen Electra: in Soviet Russia, booty short and yarn bra wear YOU! (Cityrag)

When you're a child, every birthday is a milestone. From playing "stack the Big Macs" at your sixth birthday at McDonald's, to your roller rink hoe-down at nine, to frenching Cody Johnson in the wood-paneled rec room closet at your thirteenth, they're all important winners. And if there's one thing you can count on for every single birthday, it's a mawkish, Raggedy Ann-emblazoned card from the grandparents so syrupy sweet, you're gently coaxed into a diabetic coma. Unless you're the child of Angelina Jolie. Then you're S.O.L. because Pappy Voight can't even tell the difference between you and a fully grown South American singer who has a penchant for singing about her hips and humble breasts. more »

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more. more »