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filed under: John Mayer

August 07, 2008

Jennifer Aniston Is Pregnant! Pregnant with Spite.

janistonick.jpg It's been a while since we've seen one of those patented "Jennifer Aniston is sad" stories, so it comes as quite a relief to hear that she's doing the adult equivalent of sitting on her canopy bed staring at a yearbook picture of her crush while listening to Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam's "All Cried Out". According to Star, those pictures of her ex-husband Brad Pitt with his new infant twins hit her right where it hurts. In the babymaker!
As Brangelina's twins wow the world, Jennifer Aniston couldn't be happier. She's found love with John Mayer and will finally get what she's always wanted — a child!

The 39-year-old actress feels that after all she has been through watching Brad and Angie's family grow, she'd love Brad to see photos of her holding her own baby and show him she's not the self-centered girl he had made her out to be.

"It's my turn now," she told a friend. And Jen believes the rocker is perfect daddy material.

"Jen feels so strongly that John is 'the one,' " says a source. "She knows he can handle being a dad."
Indeed, nothing will show your ex-husband that you're not self-centered quite like having a baby and plastering its photos on a magazine cover just to show him. Except sending him a copy of the magazine via courier with a halo drawn above your head in Sharpie and the words "NOT YOURS!!!!" with an arrow pointing to the baby. And then showing up and knocking on his window and cheerfully shaking the baby at him by its foot, mouthing, "you got SERVED!" and then spiking the child and doing the cabbage patch. more »
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July 31, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Slip n' Slide

marisa_miller_oil_slick.jpg• Marisa Miller works the runway wearing the latest in swimwear and silicone/polymer based body oil. (F-listed)

• Ali Lohan auditions for the director of Bun Sisters 12. (Yeeeah!)

• Rihanna is easy, breezy, beautiful, unCovered Girl. In a see-through shirt. That shows nipple ring. (The Blemish)

• Madonna is one step away from having Waylon Flowers's hand up her ass. (Cityrag)

• A touching, moving photo montage of Kristen Bell in her pantaloons. (Holy Taco)

• You can't beat Jessica Simpson! No, seriously. Don't beat her; that's mean. (Daily Stab)

• Superbad's Emma Stone is supercute. (Fatback)

• Amanda Bynes is Nickelodeyummy in butt-stranglingly tight workout gear. (Drunken Stepfather)

• John Mayer will be the godfather of the SimpsWentz spawn. He will teach it to land hot chicks and make the most heinous guitar faces ever. (Allie Is Wired)
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July 03, 2008

Aniston Misses Jolie Fued, Starts Catfight with Kimbo Stewart

jennifer_aniston_bikini_sticks_out_tongue.jpg John Mayer has been known to stick his wick into some pretty strange places (Papa Joe knows what we're talking about), so maybe there's justification in Jennifer Aniston thinking that Kimberly Stewart can trick John into throwing her a bone. Maybe. According to The Mirror, Jen had Kim's ass booted from one of Johnboy's gigs:
When you're as unlucky in love as Jennifer Aniston, the last thing you want is some flirty young blonde chasing after your bloke.

So it's no wonder the Friends star sent Kimberly Stewart packing when she tried to sneak backstage at John Mayer's recent gig.

But it took dim Kim some time to get the message - she got kicked out TWICE.

John clearly has a bit of history with the model as all hell broke loose when clingy Jen spotted 28-year-old Kim backstage while John was warming up for Sunday's Hard Rock Calling gig in London's Hyde Park.

Ever the gent, John tried to defuse the situation by getting his security to boot out Kim.

And as the bouncers chased after Kim, Jen, 39, eyeballed her rival to warn her off John.

Our spy says: "Jennifer spotted Kimberly and asked John what she was doing there.

"John and Kim know each other from clubbing in LA, but Jennifer doesn't want anyone around who reminds her that he used to be a player.

"She has fallen head over heels for John, but she's scared it will all go wrong again.

"Another woman stole her man before when Angelina Jolie started dating Brad Pitt - she couldn't bear it to happen again."

But Kim wasn't giving up without a fight...

Ten minutes after being told to leave, she was on the side of the stage, waving at John and cheekily catching Jennifer's eye while she was taking photos of her fella.

We hear: "She had been told twice by security that she would be removed but she stood there bold as brass.

"Jennifer was on the opposite side of the stage and John felt like piggy-in-the-middle.

"He saw the tension and told his bouncers to get rid of her at all costs.

"Kim was pulled off the stage and escorted through the Hard Rock VIP tent with a face like thunder, shouting: 'Why doesn't he want me here? Is this because of her?' "She totally embarrassed herself, but Jen looked relieved."

Somehow we can't see these ladies being best Friends anytime soon...
We understand Jennifer Aniston's desire to not be in the same room as Kimberly Stewart, even if that room is filled with two thousand other people. Kim was once friends with Paris Hilton, so you never know what sort of toxins she emits into the air, and Jen likes to keep her lungs pure. But feeling threatened that Kim will steal her boyfriend? Obviously Jen was powerless to fight the force of Angelina Jolie, as she crushes all libidos in her wake and turns men to quivering puddles of jizz, but Kimbo Stewart? That's like being worried that Amy Winehouse is going to steal your refrigerator full of nutritious fruits and vegetables. more »
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May 27, 2008

Jennifer Aniston Must Have Had Really Boring Sex Before John Mayer

Jennifer aniston pokies john mayer.jpg It turns out that there's a bit more behind Jennifer Aniston's new perma-smile than John Mayer's supersized salami. John's learned a few sexual tricks from Shannon Tweed movies. Star reports:
New couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are making some beautiful music together — in the bedroom!

In the new issue of Star, we report on the couple's superhot sex life that has left Jen floating on cloud nine for the last couple weeks.

"She is having the best sex of her life with John," a source close to the actress tells Star, "and she's loving every minute of it."

So just what does John do to make Jen think her body is a... wonderland?

According to the source, the singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps.

"John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing, which is new for Jen," says the source. "She was a little resistant at first, but now you couldn't wipe the smile off her face if you tried."

Another source who has slept with John agrees he knows how to have a good time between the sheets. "He was kinky and liked trying crazy positions. He loved sex and wanted it all the time."
Let us guess, Jen plays the naughty nurse, the innocent schoolgirl, or the helpless woman stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire. Truly ground-breaking stuff for any thirteen-year-old boy who's just discovered how to unscramble Skinemax. We're actually quite disappointed in John's lack of originality. He continually surprises us when he shows up in the daily gossip--mostly by not being the white-hatted d-bag we assumed he was and actually having a personality. So we expect a bit more from John. Like Jessica Simpson and Brad Pitt masks made out of Us Weekly covers. That hate sex would be phenomenal. more »
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May 21, 2008

Jennifer Aniston Cures Heartbreak with Gigantic Trouser Torpedo

jennifer aniston smart water bottle.jpg How do you cope when your handsome movie-star husband leaves you for the world's most desirable woman and immediately starts collecting babies and vowing to save the entire world with his lone, muscular hand? Certainly not by shacking up with a schlubby co-star suffering from a constant case of beer bloat. No, the only thing that cure those ills is a big, huge dong. It'll knock the heartache right outta you. The New York Daily News reported recently:
You wouldn't expect Jennifer Aniston to be giddy like a schoolgirl these days. Not with the news that ex Brad Pitt and his baby-machine girlfriend Angelina Jolie are pumping out twins in a couple of weeks. But the former "Friend" has been glowing of late, pals of the actress tell us.

"She's just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character," said one spy.

The reason can't just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner's ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he's a great guy, but because he's a "great" guy, if you know what we mean.

"His body actually is a wonderland," one ex was overheard saying.
And today Showbiz Spy brings us this tale:
Jennifer Aniston has told friends John Mayer is a better lover than her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

The former ‘Friends’ actress, 39, is reportedly more impressed by her sex life with Mayer than with previous partners Vince Vaughn and Brad Pitt.

A source told the National Enquirer, “Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover.

“In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets - insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage.”

Jennifer’s romance with the ‘No Such Thing’ hitmaker is said to be helping her finally get over her 2005 divorce from Pitt.

“Only now, in John’s arms, does she look even close to finally putting Pitt in the past tense,” added the source.
Girl, that's weak. Sure, getting regular servicing by a Diggler dick will put a smile on your face, but the only way to truly get over her past loves is for Jen to go on Access Hollywood and proclaim that Vince Vaughn has the permanent stench of ball sweat and that Brad Pitt has a Q-tip wang. Everyone knows that Angelina has the dick in that relationship anyway. more »
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May 06, 2008

Jennifer + John + TLA 4-Ever!!!!!!!!!

aniston_mayer_beach.jpgIs it his rakish, boyish charm? Or the idea that he might laud them in song likening their bodies to a mystical land populated by Cheshire cats and stoned caterpillars? We don't quite know what it is that makes ladies' panties fall to the floor when they meet John Mayer, but apparently, Jennifer Aniston's got it bad. Real bad. According to the Daily Mail, Jen's been texting John to come back to Miami to spend more time with her, and a friend says,
"She's really into John, and the nine year age difference doesn't bother her for a second. Jen's already telling friends she's falling in love with this guy. Jen's really hoping he can spend more time in Miami with her. She just wants to see a lot more of him. This was definitely not a one-off thing as far as she's concerned."
And then Jennifer lined up all her Cabbage Patch Kids and told them a new daddy would finally be coming into their lives. That was right before she wrote "Mrs. Jennifer Mayer" on the soles of her Keds.

Jen might want to exercise a little caution here. We've seen John Mayer's O-face, and it is about as erotic as one would imagine:

john_mayer_o_face.jpg
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April 28, 2008

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer Share a Super Boring Date

jennifer aniston hails a cab.jpg Jennifer Aniston is sort of a non-entity to us. There's not really anything to dislike about her--she seems like a fine lady, probably polite, she wears classy-looking colorless clothes, she has shiny hair--but there's just nothing interesting about her either. The most compelling her life ever got was when everyone assumed she was crying twenty-four hours a day. But every now and then we must report on her whereabouts just to keep up with the times and all, we just prefer that reporting to center on her surprisingly hot bikini body rather than her possible dating of John Mayer. According to People:
Jennifer Aniston had a late private lunch with musician John Mayer in a Miami restaurant that opened Friday afternoon just for them, and then the couple spent a lengthy dinner together Friday night.

When it came to lunch, "I was happy to accommodate them," says Charles Bell, general manager of Michael's Genuine Food & Drink in the Miami Design District, which opened its doors for the pair early at 3:30 p.m. for the 90-minute meal.

Aniston, in Miami shooting the movie Marley & Me with Owen Wilson, ordered a chopped chicken salad, while Mayer had a Serrano ham sandwich which "Jen ate some of," says Bell. For dessert, they shared a chocolate-and-peanut-butter layered treat.

Sitting across from each other in a booth, their heads were close together, and they were engaged in a private conversation, says Bell.

"I can't speculate on what kind of meeting it was but they looked happy and seemed to have a great time," he says.

The same also seemed to be true later in the day, when the two were seen at Casa Tua on South Beach.

With his arm around her, Mayer, 30, and Aniston, 39, left the restaurant a bit before 1 a.m. When they returned to her hotel, they were observed holding hands.

"We are very discreet here," the manager of Casa Tua told PEOPLE after the two had departed. "That is why we have celebrity guests."
God, People, way to hold out on us there. Couldn't you please give us more details? Was Jen's hair loose, in a ponytail, a bun? And was John wearing a black T-shirt or a black button-down shirt? Did they chew their bites at least thirty times? Exactly how many times did the busboy fill up their water glasses? We just don't like it when you get all vague on us, People. more »
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April 16, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Oh, Behave

gisele_bundchen_lace_mask.jpg• Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab)

• Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)

• Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)

• "Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a parperp pupozee parparotzy man and kissed on him. rainbows r pritty!!!!!111" Britney Spears has video diaries and they may be released, woo hoo! (Hollywire)

• John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)

• Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)

• Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)

• Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)

• Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)

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December 06, 2007

Ricki Lake Regains Relevance with Boobs and John Mayer

ricki lake in hairspray.jpg We never thought we would hear two completely separate news items concerning Ricki Lake in one morning. We always forget that she's kind of hot now, as the permanent Ricki Lake picture in our head involves two-toned hair and an extra hundred pounds. So it's even more shocking that these stories involve Ricki getting naked and John Mayer popping a boner over her. Ricki appeared on the Howard Stern Show this morning to promote the child-birth documentary she produced, The Business of Being Born, and talked about getting all naked and stuff and passing a real, live human being through her cooter. She had previously revealed of the film:
I am naked at 195 pounds giving birth in my own bathtub. It can't get any more intimate than that!
We're sure that some of you are pooh-poohing the idea, but we also know there is at least one guy reading this who has finally stumbled upon his dream beat-off scenario and will now die a satisfied and severely chafed man. So this is for you, water-birth-loving pervo!

And as for John Mayer, Page Six brings us this tale:
HOLIDAY cheer was ringing Tuesday night. John Mayer - clearly not thinking of his most recent flings with Minka Kelly or Cameron Diaz - made a beeline for Ricki Lake at the Sunshine Sachs p.r. company's Christmas party. The two talked about Lake's new documentary, "The Business of Being Born," before Mayer confessed, "I've had a crush on you for two years." Helpful publicists then herded the two to a back table, where they exchanged numbers. Lake soon left and went to the Rose Bar, where Mayer texted her throughout the night.
Perhaps Ricki's recent divorce filing has spurred on Britney Spears like urges and she'll soon be picking up guys in clubs every night and flashing her baby chute every time she exits a car. Yeah, probably not.
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December 05, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: The People vs. Teri's Piehole

terieww.jpg• Teri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV)

• Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)

• Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)

• Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)

• John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)

• Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)

• Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)

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August 16, 2007

John Mayer Likes the Pretty Ladies

John Mayer agape.jpg Yesterday we saw pictures of Mandy Moore and John Mayer, presumably on a date. We weren't too happy about the prospect of Mandy getting Jessica Simpson's secondhand cooties, especially after the horrible luck she's had with men in the past, but we weren't sure whether we otherwise condoned the coupling or not. Turns out we're not going to have to trouble our pretty little head about it, as Mayer's now supposedly dating Cameron Diaz. What can we say, he likes 'em leggy. Page Six reports:
WHEN John Mayer was snapped having lunch with Mandy Moore at La Esquina on Tuesday, it sparked rumors of a love match between them. But Mayer has his sights set on a more glamorous Hollywood gal - Cameron Diaz. The same day, Mayer took Diaz to an intimate, late-night dinner at Lafayette Street eatery Indochine. "They were very playful and cozy," said a fellow patron, who reports they ordered cocktails and "lingered over dessert." Mayer, 29, and Diaz, 34, "met years ago at a concert," according to a friend of the leggy actress. "Their relationship just started, though." Diaz split with her longtime boyfriend (and younger man as well) Justin Timberlake late last year, while Mayer is coming off his brief whirlwind with bubble-headed Jessica Simpson. As for Moore, who showed up alone to the premiere of "Dedication" at the Chelsea Cinemas that same night, we hear she's dating San Diego-based singer/songwriter Greg Laswell. Reps for Mayer and Moore declined comment.
But lest you think that Mandy is being two-timed again, she told Extra:
Oh my goodness. John and I have been friends for years, no romance.
Thanks, Mandy, for so deftly illustrating how different you are from Cameron. If Cam opens her mouth she's likely to burp the entire alphabet for onlookers' amusement or stuff a greasy cheeseburger into it in three bites, whereas when Mandy opens her mouth phrases like "oh my goodness" come out. They're like Balki and Larry, those two. Night and day.
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May 21, 2007

John and Jessica Mayer May Not Be Broken Up

jesorange.jpgLike that title? pretty bad, right? Awesome. Anyway. God is dead, life has no meaning, and love is a lie: the inspiring romance--a latter day Thorn Birds, really--between John Mayer and Jessica Simpson is over. Extra reported that the split is "official", while TMZ writes:
... multiple sources suggest that the pair are destined to get right back together. "They've broken up about a dozen times this year, and they've always come back together. They're adorable together," a music-biz source tells Rush & Molloy. And People says that the couple have already been e-mailing and texting each other. As for why this split happened, another source says that it was Jess' wardrobe choices that John didn't like.
Seeing how Jessica went from a stylish, kicky, giggly blonde to curiously penny-hued in hair, face and figure (see pic at left for the terror) under John's reign, we can kind of see where he's coming from. Jessica's so orange that John was probably under the impresssion that he had been in a relationship with Heathcliff for the last several months. That and the fact that she hangs around in junkyards with Mungo and Wordsworth, gnawing on fish bones. more »
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April 02, 2007

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer's Sonorous Sex Probably More Harmonious Than Their Impromptu Duets

jessica simpson voice.jpg We at CelebNewsWire have been wanting to get into the mind-blowing business for quite a while now (cause, really, our normal blowing business is making our mouth really tired), so we might as well start with this: Jessica Simpson is having pre-marital sex! Loudly! Under the eyes and ears of God! Consider your mind blown. As for your other parts, you'll have to wait for your normal Thursday-afternoon appointment. more »
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January 02, 2007

Simpson and Mayer Really Dating; Duet Your Mom Will Love to Follow

jsimp and john mayer.jpg If Jessica Simpson really is dating John Mayer (for real this time) and is happy and well sexed (we are talking John Mayer, so maybe that should read "moderately sexed") and in love and all that shit, does that mean that we have to stop feeling sorry for her? Because she almost has a better pout than Jennifer Aniston, and we really like our female celebrities depressed and downtrodden and seconds from jumping off the nearest bridge (or at least seconds from jumping off the nearest Stearns & Foster deluxe pillowtop to a nasty spill on the cashmere-blend area rug). more »
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November 22, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "I Know How to Learn Anything I Want to Learn."

• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
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September 06, 2006

Jessica Simpson's Body Is Not John Mayer's Wonderland

Are John Mayer and Jessica Simpson a perfect match, like Peaches and Herb? Are they even really dating? Did John dump Jessica's ass? Do we get to take a crack at her next? Then we really don't care. more »
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August 30, 2006

At Least He's Sold More Albums Than Nick

We have never in our life believed one word we read in The National Enquirer. Wait, we take that back. When we read the ad for 100% polyester culottes in various shades of sorbet and it claimed they were a "flattering fit to any body type," we were sold. And damn do those things make our ass look outstanding. But nonetheless, when we received the latest copy of the tab and read a little article claiming that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer were secretly dating, we might as well have been reading an article about Britney Spears's gestating offspring possessing both male and female genitalia--and a tail! But it turns out that the story might be true. Does this mean that Mike Walker's story about Angelina Jolie wrestling an alligator and cutting off its head for a trophy is true too? (OK, we might have made up that last part, but you believed it, didn't you?) more »
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