CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: Joe Simpson

June 23, 2008

Papa Joe Did Not Measure Jessica's Pubescent Pontoons

jessica simpson points out her boobs.jpg

Jessica Simpson wants you to know that not everything you hear about her and daddy dearest Papa Joe Simpson is true. Sure, Joe may get pleasure out of taking creepily inappropriate sexy photos of his daughter, but he does not have any input into Jessica's underwear selection. According to Us Weekly:

Jessica Simpson opened up about her dad during a radio interview in Colton, CA on K-FROG 95.1 Tuesday.

"There have been stories that are ridiculous," Simpson said (Watch above). "Like my father really fit me for a training bra. Like, who believes that kind of thing!?"

Well, of course Papa Joe didn't fit little pre-teen Jessica for a training bra. Don't be ridiculous. She went straight to the 34DD, baby, no training bra necessary. more »

comments (0) |

send to a friend

July 30, 2007

Papa Joe Won't Play a Porn Star--and Neither Will Jessica

Your chances of seeing Jessica Simpson play a porn star on screen are about as high as your chances of scoring a girlfriend who doesn't have "Made in Thailand" stamped on her ass, but if that opportunity ever does arise, you can be assured that Papa Joe will be right alongside her, probably taking notes on his little girl's "performance" (read: huge hooters) on his balls. He told People:

The last script that came to us was for Jessica to be a porn star. We were promised we would win an Oscar with that. I was like, 'Eh, we'll just buy a [statue of a] little man and keep our clothes on.'

"Oscar winner Jessica Simpson" are not words we see ourself saying anytime in the rest of eternity, unless of course the Academy starts doling out awards for shiniest hair or worst Southern accent. But we're more than a little concerned with the tone of Papa Joe's statement. "We" would win an Oscar? "We'll" keep "our" clothes on? We know that Jess and Joe have a relationship that is so creepily close that Joe probably wears Jessica's panties, but the last time we checked they were indeed two distinct people, even if they only have the brain power of one human. Plus, if they were freakishly fused into one being, we'd be afraid to know which body parts were doing the connecting. Cause we're pretty sure it would'nt be their shoulders.

comments (0) |

send to a friend

April 25, 2007

Tired of the Old Ones' Racks, Joe Simpson Wants to Take on New Daughter

Joe Simpson's lifelong dream may finally come true now that Britney Spears is hot again and in need of a good older male influence in her life and her career. Joe could adopt her and make her super blonde and send her to Ashlee's plastic surgeon and life would be great for both of them. Especially Joe. Cause Britney would be his daughter, but she wouldn't really be his daughter. So when he signs her up to perform with the Pussycat Dolls and serves as her wardrobe supervisor and has to spend all his backstage time making sure everything is zipped and buttoned and double-sided taped he won't get those weird looks from the other Dolls and hear them saying, "Your dad is really, uh, helpful, is that the word I'm looking for?" more »

send to a friend

December 08, 2006

It's Hard out Here for Joe Simpson

So you want Jessica Simpson to promote your product? Just make the check payable to Joe Simpson and your wish will be granted. But try not to imagine Joe's methods of persuasion; every conscience has a limit, and that just might be yours. more »

send to a friend

October 20, 2006

Joe Simpson Shows His Fatherly Love--With a Sexy Photo Shoot

Yes, Jessica, we believe you. Your daddy loves his little girl, but not in an inappropriate way. He would never want to ogle your breasts and he surely never talked momma Tina into playing the at-home version of Newlyweds, complete with Ken Paves wigs. He just likes to take pictures of you while you're on a bed, wrapped in a sheet, and looking as relaxed and fulfilled as that lady in the old Calgon ads. But he didn't ask you to think about dildos while he was taking those pictures, so that's gotta count for something. more »

send to a friend

October 10, 2006

Jessica Also Believes That Joe Is the Undisputed God of Texas

Jessica Simpson's creepy daddy has convinced her that she's starring in a new movie opposite Luke Wilson even though Wilson has not agreed to the film. We hear Papa Joe has a knack for convincing his daughters of things that are completely untrue. After all, someone must have told Ashlee she had a really pretty voice. more »

send to a friend

September 20, 2006

"Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither."

Hey, guys, did you hear? Jessica Simpson is sexy. She has amazing boobs. And now that her sister Ashlee got that nose job she's sexy too. You hardly even notice her butt chin anymore. They are sexy, sexy, sexy. You know how we know? Their dad told us. He thinks they're totally hot and sexy and yummy and tasty and other words that no father should ever say about his little girls. And you know what else? He loves to take pictures of them. Doesn't every dad love to take pictures of his daughters? In bikinis? With cleavage hanging out? more »

send to a friend

August 15, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Two Princes

� Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

� Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

� Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

� Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

� "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

� The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

� Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

� Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

� One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.

send to a friend

August 07, 2006

Eva Longoria Is a Bad Influence

Papa Joe Simpson gives a hearty thumbs-up to the following things: his daughter's breasts, talking about his daughter's breasts, allowing his daughter to show off her breasts in print and on screen. Not OK? Hanging out with Eva Longoria. Never did we think we'd have so much in common with Jessica Simpson's father. Aside from our shared glorious mango-hued tans and an airs of stifling skeeziness. more »

send to a friend

August 09, 2005

Jessica Simpson Likens Boobs to a Nice Pair of Legwarmers

If there's one thing America likes more than blondes with huge snoobs, it's blondes with huge snoobs who like to talk about 'em all the time. Jessica Simpson: our national treasure. more »

send to a friend

June 14, 2005

Joe Simpson: Creepy Even When He's Hating on Lindsay

We have absolutely shocking news for you this morning: Joe Simpson is a skeezy lying old windbag. What�s that? You already knew that? Damn, what do we have to do around here to impress you, prove that Papa Joe lost both of his testicles in a misguided stunt orchestrated by a pre-adolescent Johnny Knoxville and that Ashlee�s biological father is actually a chimp named Goober? Would that make you happy? more »

send to a friend

December 31, 2004

Jessica's Virginity Vow to Dad

You know, we thought that Simpson sisters' creepmaster general father, Joe, couldn't get any more shuddersome after his appreciative comments in regards to Jessica's breasts. Guess what? We were wrong. more »

send to a friend

December 16, 2004

Simpson Dad: Ashlee Has Depth, Jessica Has Big Cans

What can one say about former Baptist minister and Simpson sister dad Joe Simpson that hasn't already been said? The highlights, the Botox, the way he puppeteers his progeny, his diva snit fits . . . if all that weren't enough to give you the douche chills, he's now singing the praises of Jessica's beans from every rooftop, while simultaneously forbidding Ashlee to dyke it up in her first movie. more »

send to a friend