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filed under: Joe Francis

September 18, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian

• Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

• Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

• Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

• Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

• Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

• Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

• 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

• Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

• Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

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September 12, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Fetuses and Weave Fits

• Mischa Barton becomes Mrs. Roper. (Derek Hail)

• Joe Francis wants Vanessa Hudgens to sign a deal with Girls Gone Wild. "Lucrative and record-breaking Disney franchise, or cokehead in a jail cell?" Her mind must be a veritable cacophony of tumult right now! (WWTDD)

• Faulkner. Hemingway. Didion. Joyce. Tommy Lee. (IDLYITW)

• Jennifer Lopez fetuswatch 09/07 begins. (The Blemish)

• And speaking of fetuses, Posh Spice is starting to look like one after an hour of broasting in a cajun marinade. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Stacy's mom has got an upskirt goin' on. (Taxi Driver)

• We'd never seen a praying mantis that likes reverse cowgirl until we saw these pictures of Jenna Jameson's plastiface. (Evil Beet)

• Britney Spears does not suffer Ken Paves gladly, and a Ken Paves wielding faux hair never. (Celeb Warship)

• AND! She's a Brit . . . house. Forget the poon, THIS is quite a spread. (Allie Is Wired)

• Heath Ledger hits the party scene to celebrate his newfound single status, as well as the last clinging remains of his hair. (Celebrity Mound)

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April 13, 2007

Joe Francis Thinks Jail Works Like Nobu

We've always known that Joe Francis was a Beelzububic turd-licker crawling with fleas and lice and other vermin. He's so evil, he probably has a forked penis. It's just nice to see government officials finally agreeing with our assessment. more »

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April 04, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "A Shadowy Flight Into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist."

• Usher Raymond's life is unnecessarily complicated.

• OMG, KITT is for sale! For a mere $100K, you can own a 1982 Trans Am that doesn't actually speak.

• Tori Spelling's new bundle of joy graces People, has mom's original nose.

• Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder shucks bra for a magazine called Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

• Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.

• We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it happens to Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.

• Suri Cruise: silent naked weave-styling (last item).

• Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.

• Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that "oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.

• Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of celebrity lipo.

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March 08, 2007

Antonella Barba Goes Wild

According to our cherished stats page, our readers are very, very interested in Antonella Barba. Specifically, you're interested in seeing Antonella Barba in various states of undress, and if Girls Gone Wild honcho/human spume Joe Francis has his way, you'll be seeing a lot of more of that in the future. Really, the only difference between lifting your duds for GGW and having your half-nudie pics leaked to the internet is that the latter requires 85% less alcohol and 100% more upsetting phone calls from your Aunt Madge who saw Nancy O'Dell introduce your crack on Access Hollywood. more »

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February 01, 2007

Joe Francis Prefers Paris Knob Jobs to Tara Reid's Fetid Business

Joe Francis, possessor of a literal stiff upper lip and impetus for girls going wild, called into Howard Stern yesterday morning to discuss the lawsuit he and Paris are filing against ParisExposed.com. Although Joe's aim was simply to talk about the legal aspects, he ended up dishing on assorted famous ladies--the Lohan, Tara Reid, Kim Stewart--that he's used as a penis snood through the years. And then he showed Howard his moobs and rode the Sybian. more »

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January 29, 2007

Paris Exposed Again, and This Time She Brings Cisco Adler Along

It's our third straight day of Paris Exposed, just in case you were wondering about the extent to which a Paris may be exposed. Many more pictures and documents have been spread, like Paris's storied herpes of yore, throughout the internet this weekend, and although it's impossible to feign any interest in more pictures of Paris choking on a one-hitter, we were definitely about to lift our weary eyes to the screen long enough to take a passing interest in the picture of Cisco Adler sans clothing. The operative phrase there being "long enough", which you'll note after the not-safe-for-work (and, possibly, not-safe-for-retinas) cut. more »

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January 16, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Dating Joe Francis; Going Wild to Follow

We were less than enthused by the rumor that Lindsay Lohan was allowing Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz to visit her lady chamber, but could we return to last week we would embrace the story as if it were our dead childhood puppy. Because now we know what was on the horizon: a pairing between Firecrotch and He Who Videotapes Crotch, Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis. more »

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September 21, 2006

Paris Cannot Tell a Lie: She's an Idiot

Today in the Shit You Already Knew Department: Paris Hilton says she's, like, not all smart 'n' stuff. Also, sky is blue, water is wet, poop is icky, etc., etc. This concludes the demeaning-to-your-intellect portion of our broadcast. more »

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