filed under: Joaquin Phoenix

The much-maligned Eva Longoria and her mouth full of TMI seem to have disappeared off the radar, post-wedding. But cut off one of the seven heads of the sexy-talkin', Eva-named hydra, and another sexy-talkin', Eva-named head will grow in its place, even stronger than the one preceding it. Well, maybe not stronger, but definitely less gnomish and with better taste in swimwear. According to Nudography, Eva Mendes really likes being naked; in fact, she completes mundane tasks such as pruning and weeding in the raw, saying:

“I love being naked. I do everything in the nude, even the gardening! We’re Cuban, and it’s a hot island. Why not go nude?”

However, although stripping off your garments and squatting in the dirt to yank up some ragweed that's precariously close to your girl-wiener is perfectly natural, being naked in front of a camera still gives Eva the creeps, and she says of her We Own the Night sex scene with Joaquin Phoenix:

"It’s not a natural thing on camera, so it’s always going to be a little awkward.

“It was tough. That morning I was so nervous that the director was like, ‘Why don’t you put a little vodka in your orange juice?’ So I did. It took the edge off.

"It’s weird to see myself in bed with Joaquin up on the big screen. I told my mom she has to come 15 minutes late. She wouldn’t live through that first scene - she’d have a heart attack. The poor lady would keel over in the movie theatre.”

Keeping in mind that Joaquin Phoenix is a very very recently recovering alcoholic, watch said sex scene with a critical eye and see if Joaquin's tongue has a certain urgency as it darts around Eva's luscious mouth, as if seeking out delicious pockets of Grey Goose clinging to her molars, like the ice cube-licking lady in the Disaronno ads. more »

• Jessica Simpson dons dress with Venetian blind chestpiece. (Yeeeah!)

• Fun with Photoshop: "Stuff on My Lohan". Hee hee hee hee hee! (Cityrag)

• Hollywood romance meets the Primetime weekend mystery: Brittany Murphy has awesome taste in men! (ICYDK)

• Claire Danes and My So-Called Nip. (Taxi Driver)

• Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias have broken up. It was all downhill after he chopped the Raisinette off his face. (Hollywood Tuna) UPDATE: They're still together, choco-krispie or no.

• Eva Mendes admits that she had a swig or two of booze to calm her nerves before shooting a sex scene opposite Joaquin Phoenix. As a recovering alcoholic, he surely found the taste of Beam on the breath an intoxicating impetus to make the scene that much more authentically passionate. Man, was that too mean? (Derek Hail)

• Lindsay's dad offers up some Christian advice whilst wearing a tank top. (GlossLip)

• When you're faced with a daunting jail sentence after violating parole following a DUI, how to lift your spirits? Build-A-Bear Workshop, girlfriend! (Celebrity Puke)

Shocker! Of! The! Century! Lindsay Lohan does coke. Oh, and she humps lots of boys too. We may never recover from our shattered illusions. When we're ninety and sipping a creamed corn and mashed potato smoothie on the lanai in our nursing home, we will utter our first words in sixty years: "Can't believe . . . Lindsay does coke." Then we will fall off our rattan chair, never to wake, never having recovered from the great shock of May 2007. more »

Everyone is posting these pictures of Eva Mendes and Joaquin Phoenix together, crowing that although Eva has a long-term boyfriend, she's stepping out with Joaquin.



We are not gullible types, and when their publicists insist they're "just friends", we tend to believe it, in this case, anyway. Oh, the celebrity gossip blog game is a dirty, unforgiving one, and you become hardened and jaded pretty fast. Unless we see clear anal entry, we won't admit they're a couple. Besides, we don't like to knock the Joaq. more »

• The unpleasant weave Tyra Banks sported on last season's Top Model has migrated to her lip. That's fierce!

• Joaquin Phoenix: method actor.

• When you litter, Patrick Swayze turns his weather-beaten, spiritual face to the skies and weeps a solitary tear.

• Paris Hilton gets her stoolbox hosed out.

• Oasis member Noel Gallagher calls Jack White "Zorro on doughnuts". And, well, uh, he's kinda got a point there.

• A stripper had drunken floor sex with David Arquette. Strippers have low standards.

• And Mariah Carey has an employee who helps her lift those pesky beverages to her parched lips. Don't snicker--the strawmaster probably makes more than you.

Hunky harelipped actor Joaquin Phoenix has reportedly checked himself into rehab for alcoholism. We don't blame him in the least--if we spent the first fifteen or so years of our life answering to the name "Leaf", we'd be trying to calm our DTs by guzzling Listerine and vanilla extract. (We admit we stole the vanilla extract bit from that totally sweet episode of Family Ties where Tom Hanks stars as Alex, Mallory, and Jennifer's loveable Uncle Ned, a hopeless drunkard. Um. Anyway.) more »