filed under: Jessica Simpson
August 21, 2008
Jessica Simpson Invites You To Get Fortified While Getting Wasted

The tee shirts of dozens of college students are correct today, for now beer is truly not just a breakfast drink anymore. It's healthy! Chock full of vitamins and minerals for healthy growing bodies. Well, it is if you drink Stampede, the intoxicating new fortified light malt beverage.
Jessica Simpson has been named the official spokeswoman for the product, and says (according to the ad):
"I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That's why I made the smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it's beer plus."
We can't help being reminded of the
John Belushi's Little Chocolate Donuts sketch of yore. But then again, looking at the ad, we're pleased that advertising executives finally laid to rest the classic juggy beer commercial babe of yore in favor of a refreshing, real approach to shilling beer: a completely tits-up wasted girl sitting in the back of a pickup truck, her eyes glazed over and lips parted to indicate the coming of a fountain of vomit.
more »
August 07, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Supa Dupa Krupa

•
Joanna Krupa gets naked for Maxim. Maxim-um mammage. (
The Blemish)
• Mr. Skin asks: who's the hottest dame in a superhero movie? (
Mr. Skin)
• Beauty and the Undereye Bags:
Catherine Keener is porking
Benicio del Toro. (
Hollyscoop)
•
Shia the Beef will not have to have his pinky amputated. So. Uh. Great, we guess. (
Celebitchy)
• 46-21-55.
Kim Kardashian in a bikini. (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Kate Moss switched lives with her nanny for a day. Which marks the first time Kate has seen her child since its birth. Awww. (
Female First)
•
Jessica Alba humps a chair like her name was Nomi Malone. (
Cityrag)
•
Jessica Simpson strips for Tony Romo via webcam. Haw, like we're supposed to believe Jessica Simpson knows how to turn a computer on? (peanut gallery: "Well, she sure know how to turn ME on! Ahahahaha!") (
Holy Taco)
•
Sienna Miller's friends maintain that she did not wreck Balthazar Getty's marriage. She just stuck a knife in its already rotting corpse and twisted it around and then cut off its head is all. (
CelebWarship)
• Morgan Freeman and his wife split. We blame Sienna Miller. (
Daily Stab)
July 31, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Slip n' Slide

•
Marisa Miller works the runway wearing the latest in swimwear and silicone/polymer based body oil. (
F-listed)
•
Ali Lohan auditions for the director of
Bun Sisters 12. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Rihanna is easy, breezy, beautiful, unCovered Girl. In a see-through shirt. That shows nipple ring. (
The Blemish)
•
Madonna is one step away from having Waylon Flowers's hand up her ass. (
Cityrag)
• A touching, moving photo montage of
Kristen Bell in her pantaloons. (
Holy Taco)
• You can't beat
Jessica Simpson! No, seriously. Don't beat her; that's mean. (
Daily Stab)
• Superbad's
Emma Stone is supercute. (
Fatback)
•
Amanda Bynes is Nickelodeyummy in butt-stranglingly tight workout gear. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• John Mayer will be the godfather of the SimpsWentz spawn. He will teach it to land hot chicks and make the most heinous guitar faces ever. (
Allie Is Wired)
July 21, 2008
Jessica Simpson and Madonna Sex Tape! Jessica Simpson and Madonna Sex Tape?

Yes!
Jessica Simpson and
Madonna sex tape. No, not
together, dummies, so kindly tame your vomity visions of Madonna rogering Jessica with a Kabbalah water bottle. According to our personal gossip pope,
Female First, a tape featuring
Alex Rodriguez slipping Madonna the ole A-Rod on a couch exists and is being shopped around despite being wildly illegal:
Madonna is reportedly at the centre of a sex tape scandal. A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa. He is trying to sell the tape - allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons - for £1 million.
The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago.
A legal source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper that the implications of the secret filming could be dire for the cameraman, saying: "If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. But more than that he would not have had his friend's consent to install the camera and must have entered the apartment without approval to hide it.
"He would be guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he'd be going to jail for a few years."
In similar big-breasted-blondes-with-knuckleheads news, there may also exist a tape featuring Jessica Simpson having God-sanctioned matrimonial sexual intercourse with ex-husband
Nick Lachey. Says
Showbiz Spy:
Rumours have emerged that a sex tape starring Jessica Simpson will appear online. According to the Daily Sport, the home movie, which features popstar and actress Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey, has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's holiday sex video.
A source said: "Jessica is horrified her name and 'sex tape' are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a girl of high morals and principles."
The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.
Listen, Madonna and Jessica. That's all fine and good that you're copulating on camera, but in the last couple of years, the celebrity sex tape bar has been raised quite a bit. We've had
golden showers, night vision,
wieners on dames, and
midgets. If you want to make it in this cutthroat, dog-eat-dog world, you're going to have to step it up. And actually cut throats or eat dogs. Soon to be a Belladonna release, coming to a video store near you.
more »
July 09, 2008
No Cage Match for Jessica Simpson and Pam Anderson

There are a lot of reasons to carry ire in your heart for Papa Joe Simpson. 1)
This picture, 2) he taught his daughters to be "wholesome," which translates to nobody seeing their boobies, and 3) he aided in the prevention of a catfight between
Jessica Simpson and
Pam Anderson. What is wrong with this man? We would think that the idea of two big-tittied blondes trying to rip each other's hair out, preferably near a kiddie pool full of mud or baby oil, would be a dream come true for him. But then maybe he's just holding out for Jess and Ashlee's eventual throwdown. It's always better when the catfightees share your DNA.
MSNBC reports on this averted
wet dream disaster:
Her sassy message tee (“Real Girls Eat Meat”) may have sparked tensions with her would-be adversary, but Jessica Simpson never expected to be branded a “bitch and a whore” by Pamela Anderson.
According to The Sun, Jessica was ready to “go after” the former “Baywatch” babe when she learned of the low-blow comments Pam delivered to an Australian radio station.
“She was deeply hurt and upset at the comments,” an insider told the paper. “To say Jessica is mad about it is an understatement.”
Allegedly, Jessica was ready to jump headfirst into a full-fledged Hollywood feud, until her loved ones explained who the real winner would be.
“She is disgusted at Pamela’s remarks and fully intended to go after her, until her family made her see sense,” the source explained. “Her folks told her not to make a big deal of it — as that would only get Pamela the press she’s so desperate for.”
We are truly saddened by this missed opportunity. Just imagine the wonderful bon mots that would have flown from Jessica's lips! Surely she learned a thing or two about insult comedy from her stint working with
imperial douchelord the greatest comedian of our time, Dane Cook. We bet the put downs would be sharp-tongued jabs on the order of "Your hair is ugly" and "You smell like poop." Genius!
more »
July 03, 2008
Jessica Simpson's Boobs Win
Jessica Simpson might not be the smartest. Or the most talented. Or the prettiest. Or the best at singing. Or particularly skilled at cooking. Or a perfect shot. Or good with a crochet hook. Or a master of archery. Or--you get the picture. But one area in which she excels over all is the chestular area! In Touch Weekly conducted an urgently important poll in which readers voted on the "Best Celebrity Breasts" and Jessica came out on top. Top! Get it?
Here is the full list:
1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé Knowles
That's, frankly, a rather odd list. Because Audrina Patridge and Carmen Electra don't actually have breasts. Unless jelly-filled ziplocs are tits. And we never noticed Katherine Heigl had breasts because they were dwarfed by the size of her mouth the the cloud of Marlboro smoke.
more »
June 30, 2008
Whore: the Other White Meat

Eating meat makes you plenty of things. It makes you a carnivore, it makes you full of protein, it may make you more susceptible to heart disease and gout. But according to
Pamela Anderson, it makes you a bitch. And furthermore, a whore. Pam was recently interviewed by an Australian radio station, and when asked what she thought about
Jessica Simpson wearing a "real girls eat meat shirt," Pam snapped,
"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."
Oof! Mee-YOW! If "real girls eat meat" translates to "asshole jerk that has lots of indiscriminate casual sexual encounters," we don't want to know what Pamela thinks about
Catherine Zeta-Jones's t-shirt:

more »
June 23, 2008
Papa Joe Did Not Measure Jessica's Pubescent Pontoons
Jessica Simpson wants you to know that not everything you hear about her and daddy dearest Papa Joe Simpson is true. Sure, Joe may get pleasure out of taking creepily inappropriate
sexy photos of his daughter, but he does not have any input into Jessica's underwear selection. According to
Us Weekly:
Jessica Simpson opened up about her dad during a radio interview in Colton, CA on K-FROG 95.1 Tuesday.
"There have been stories that are ridiculous," Simpson said (Watch above). "Like my father really fit me for a training bra. Like, who believes that kind of thing!?"
Well, of course Papa Joe didn't fit little pre-teen Jessica for a training bra. Don't be ridiculous. She went straight to the 34DD, baby, no training bra necessary.
more »
June 04, 2008
Jessica Simpson Sets the Worldest Lamest Record

With her baby sister newly wed and
expecting an emo-fant in the coming months while her own clam chunnel creaks like the basement door at the Munsters' house,
Jessica Simpson doesn't have much to celebrate. So we guess under those circumstances, having her new single make really, really pathetic country-music history is cause to break out the party hats and Zima. According the
Tennessean.com (yes, seriously):
Jessica Simpson may be most known for her career as a pop singer, but the Texas native swears she’s a country girl at heart. And the chart performance of her latest single backs up the claim.
“Come On Over,” which was released to country radio last week and debuted at no. 41 on Billboard’s country singles charts, makes Simpson the highest charting debut solo artist in the history of Billboard’s country singles chart.
The previous record belonged to Miranda Lambert and Brad Cotter who both debuted at No. 42.
“I got chills and butterflies in my stomach,” said Simpson of hearing her song on country radio for the first time. “It felt like the first time I heard myself on the radio when I was 19. Country is where my heart is. It’s refreshing to share something that feels so close to home. I am so honored to become a part of the country community.”
Simpson’s album, which is yet to be titled, will be released in the fall.
The singer is currently in Nashville to participate in her first CMA Music Festival. At this time, it is unclear where or on which days she will show up. Fans should ‘come on over’ to the festival to find out.
Wait, are we missing something? #41 is something to get giddy over? She didn't even crack the top 40. AND that's #41 on the
country charts, meaning that there were
40 other country songs better than Jessica's in that one week! Where does Jessica stand when you throw other genres into the mix? When faced with stiff competition like Danity Kane, Jesse McCartney, and
six different David Cook songs, where does Jess's little ditty fall? #308?
more »
May 23, 2008
Jessica Simpson Bungles Romo-ance Via Braff and Leto

If you are anything like us (and we can see by your cool soul patch and silky dragon shirt that you are), you've been wringing your hands and grinding your teeth, trying to figure out what specifically went wrong between
Jessica Simpson and
Tony Romo. Thank God, then, that we have the
National Enquirer to clue us in. It seems that she'd been enjoying a little outer-romance romance will the likes of uberdouches
Zach Braff and
Jared Leto. Take it away,
Enquirer (via
Celebitchy):
[Jessica Simpson’s] fling with Zach Braff began after a recent party hosted by Diddy, when the mogul received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
“They spent that night together and several others,” the source said.
“Then she turned to Jared [Leto] for several more romantic trysts! And this was happening right under Tony Romo’s nose!”
At one point she was juggling all three guys, according to the source.
That's not as sexy as the idea of Jessica Simpson having sex with all three guys at once, but juggling them is pretty impressive. Especially if they were on fire.
more »
May 21, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Still Big

•
Jessica Simpson gives herself a breast exam. "Are they still big? Yep. Yep. Still big." (
Egotastic)
• Hey, ladies. Hold on to your panties and your cocktails, because
Kiefer Sutherland is single! (
Derek Hail)
• Tina Turner says that
Beyoncé will never be rock n' roll. Oh yeah? Well guess what, Tina?
You'll never be polka! Eat that! (
Female First)
•
Shania Twain has learned an important lesson: don't marry a straw-haired producer of bombastic rock music and live in seclusion in Europe lest straw-haired producer runs off with the manager of your Swiss chateau. Oh, that's a story as old as the hills. When will they ever learn? (
Hollywire)
• Every part of
Kristen Bell is adorable. Up to and including her wee booty. (
The Blemish)
•
The Hills's Whitney Port becomes Titney Port when she slipples nipple. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• And speaking of
Hills douches, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get fingered. (
Allie Is Wired)
• Ten Toys that Made You Gay. (
Cityrag)
•
Joss Stone explores another girl's dental work. With her tongue. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
•
Gossip Girl's
Blake Lively cavorts on beach with Penn Badgley. And one of them is wearing a bikini, but we won't spoil it and tell you which! (
F-Listed)
May 14, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "If I Was Cyclops and You Were Jean Grey"

• Singer/asshole Ryan Adams goes to comic shop expressly for the purpose of fondling
Mandy Moore. Nerds everywhere cut selves. (
The Blemish)
•
Tara Reid works a bikini, haters be damned. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• It's entirely possible that Tony Romo will never fumble with
Jessica Simpson's footballs again. (
Yeeeah!)
• Celebrity Muppets. (
Cityrag)
•
Kelly Brook is back together with your friend
Billy Zane. (
F-listed)
•
Lily Allen once sang that she wanted to see you smile. Today, the dream becomes reality as shots of her cliff-diving topless emerge. (
Hollywood Tuna)
• Some skintage flesh!
Tricia Helfer nip slip circa 2007. Battlestar Galac-tit-ca. (
Fatback)
• The new cast of
90210 revealed! That one was for all of our under 12 and gay readers. (
Bitten and Bound)
• How I Met My Emo Lover, by
Flashlee Simpson. (
FemaleFirst)
• Another kind of "bump" for
Britney. (
Daily Stab)
•
Shia La Beef on La Zit Cream. (
Celebitchy)
• When scabies met impetigo: a tender love story featuring
Amy Winehouse and
Pete Doherty. (
Seriously OMG WTF)
•
Amy Smart has a well-padded poon. (
Taxi Driver)
May 07, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump

•
Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (
ONTD)
•
Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Mariah Carey and
Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (
Celebitchy)
• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have?
Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's
Nicole Richie's Madden, not
Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
•
Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (
Holy Taco)
•
Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
• In other
Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (
The Blemish)
•
Blake Lively may play a high schooler on
Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (
Fatback)
•
Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (
Cityrag)
• Post-birth,
Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (
Flisted)
April 22, 2008
Jessica Simpson Is Sweet on Tony Romo

Oh, that
Jessica Simpson! She is just a beacon of romantic spontaneity! She spent Saturday night at a birthday party for her boyfriend, NFL dude
Tony Romo. And the pair, overcome with love, began to felch frosting in front of a throng of horrified onlookers. These look remarkably like a harrowing scene from an award-winning independent documentary we had the pleasure of screening this weekend. It's called
Cum-Gargling Facial Sluts 5: Little Glop of Whorers, perhaps you've heard of it.

more »
April 18, 2008
Jessica Simpson Pulls a Circa 2005 Lohan

Remember two weeks ago? When
Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for having a
busted pisser? According to
Star, Jess's wee-wee woes were the result of three weeks of hardcore binge drinking. Woo! Quotes our beloved
Yeeeah!:
After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”
Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”
Wait, wait, wait, Hold up. Hold the damn phone. Alcohol
prevents infection. That's why rubbing alcohol is included in first aid kits. And why we always chase the clap away with a fifth of MD 20/20. Furthermore, please note the timeline mapped out in the above quotes. She binge drank for three weeks. And her period was three weeks late. She was just practicing a little preventative birth control, people! Nothing takes care of a pesky unwanted pregnancy like bottle after bottle of Wild Turkey. Or, for added protection, douching with Dr. Pepper mixed with Pop Rocks. It's called Spears Family Planning, folks. Look it up.
more »
April 09, 2008
Jessica Simpson: Shirt-Free and Covered in Cream

If it's always been your dream to see
Jessica Simpson topless, a thick coating of creamy, white, viscous, frothy glop squirted all over her face, then your ship has finally come in, big guy! Of course, said glop is not the wiener broth of your dreams, it's some Axe shave foam, and the toplessness carefully has the nipples cropped out. However, if your other secret desire is seeing Jessica Simpson in a wet, THO-inducing corset get-up blowing a stream of water out of her mouth like a fountain featuring spitting cherubs, then this is definitely your lucky day. Of course, this also means that you probably have a fetish for marine mammals that shop at Frederick's of Hollywood. Man, you should see that store when they have their annual Blubber Bra Blowout Sale. Porpoises pushing baleen whales out of the way to get to the underwire. Leopard seals with 20 thongs piled on each forelimb. Three camisoles for a bucket of krill! Mee-yow! I mean, bark bark bark aoaoooeeeeeoooiiiiieeeeonnoooooo.
more »
April 01, 2008
Jessica Simpson Is Full of Piss; Vinegar Levels Unknown

Remember when
Jessica Simpson was a star? When she was married to that guy and they, like . . . did stuff? We think they were on TV for something or other. Maybe it was just
Access Hollywood, though. Our memory is so hazy these days. And maybe they had a band or something? But, again, maybe they were just really into karaoke. Oh, wait, we know. It was because she was really dumb. She thought that chickens lived in the ocean or something, right? Is that why she's famous? It's so hard to come up with a reason these days. But whatever, we almost lost this shining star of the famous-for-something-or-other world! Because her pee pee was all backed up.
In Touch reports:
Jessica Simpson was sent home from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles after being treated for a kidney infection. In Touch was first to break the news that the star went to the hospital on Friday, after not feeling well. "She was hospitalized for a kidney infection, but she has been released and is doing fine,” her rep tells In Touch. “She checked in on Friday morning because she was feeling achy and had a fever,” a friend of the family says. “She is so happy she is out and feeling great.”
Wow. That sure was a close call. We're lucky Jess wasn't afflicted with something more serious, like exhaustion or infectious Dane Cook cootie disease. The world just wouldn't be the same without her enormous
talent cleavage.
more »
March 07, 2008
Jessica Simpson Not Treated Like the Major Movie Star She Thinks She Is

Say you're a movie executive with the Sisyphean task of making money off of a
Jessica Simpson joint. You've failed to attract costars of a high caliber, settling on Steve Guttenburg and Vivca A. Fox, and you have the colossal failure of
Blonde Ambition staring you in the face, mocking you with chants of "I ruined the careers of at least eighteen people. A couple of them are now working at the In-N-Out on Sunset. What makes you think you're any better?" What ever will you do? Let's see, the movie's about a pampered star who is humbled by a turn in the military. Why not send Jessica to Kuwait on a USO tour and make her sleep in bunk beds with a troupe of female impersonators swathed in black lace? That'll surely sell a couple of hundred tickets at the least, right?
Page Six dishes:
WE hope Jessica Simpson doesn't mind shacking up in bunk beds. When the primped and heeled Simpson leaves for Kuwait today with the Pussycat Dolls, we're told the whole crew will be ditching their usual hotel rooms and limos for sleeping bags and bunks. "Jessica will be roughing it," said a source. "They're receiving no special treatment." Simpson, along with the Dolls, the band Disturbed and comic Carlos Mencia, will perform for troops Monday. The show will air live on MySpace.com.
Man, the U.S. military sure has it bad in 2008. During World War II troops were entertained by STARS! They got Frank Sinatra, Judy Garland, The Marx Brothers, Lucille Ball. And today's troops get some blonde reality-TV star, a bunch of fake women, a creepily pierced metal yodeler, and some guy who stole a bunch of jokes from Bill Cosby. Being a soldier these days really is a thankless job.
February 20, 2008
Jessica Simpson's Greatest Talent? "Hurting Millions of Fat People"
Jessica Simpson does not care that you are a fat, lazy slob who will not get off your couch and do some crunches with the likes of
Cindy Crawford or
Jane Fonda or whoever it is who's made workout videos since 1989. She is a very busy lady, and she does not have time to motivate you to squish your blubber into a whole lot of yards of spandex. She has manicure appointments and pedicure appointments and highlighting appointments and waxing appointments. So stop your complaining, fatty. According to
MSNBC:
Jessica Simpson might be “hurting millions of fat people in America” by banning the release of a workout tape produced by fitness video company Speedfit, owner Alex Astilean told the press. But it’s Simpson who stands to hurt the most if the tape ever gets out.
“Jessica was a mess during that shoot. She had no focus, she put out something that was entirely unusable,” said a source close to Simpson. “They asked her to come back and reshoot, but she refused, and that’s why she’s facing a lawsuit now.”
One magazine that worked with Simpson in the past said this is a familiar problem. “The (magazine) shoot was an absolute disaster. She showed up and looked like she’d been drinking,” said the magazine editor. “We were there for hours and we had maybe three usable photos from the shoot. We asked for another shoot, and she refused.”
“The worst thing in the world would be for that tape to get out,” said the source close to Simpson. “Ironically, it would sell better than her videos, but the last thing she needs for her career is to have the makings of a ‘Saturday Night Live’ skit out there for public consumption.”
When asked for a comment, a rep for Simpson simply replied, “This is a legal matter and in the hands of attorneys.”
Really, source? Would the worst thing in the world be for the public to see Jessica Simpson looking drunk and unprofessional? Sure, that might hurt her "career", but we're guessing that there could be worse things in the world. Like a video of Jessica Simpson pouring BBQ sauce all over a toddler and proceeding to eat it. That might upset a few more people than Jess simply looking like an idiot.
December 11, 2007
Jessica Simpson To Show Her Chestica and Trimson on Film?

We knew it was just a matter of time.
Jessica Simpson's shiny celebrity patina has worn through, her movies are going straight to video, we think she may have sang or something once (There's a very sketchy memory of her on a stage, but maybe she was just a stripper when she was younger? We can't remember clearly.), and she's generally getting a little tiresome. So guess what, Jessie Ann? It's time to get naked. Pulling out those double-D funbags will make everyone love you again. Just like it did with Papa Joe. Our gossip wardrobe coordinator,
FemaleFirst, reports:
Jessica Simpson is desperate to strip naked in a Hollywood movie.
The blonde beauty wants to be taken seriously as an actress and believes baring all is the best way to earn the respect of Tinseltown, even if it goes against her family's wishes.
A source said: "Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting.
"The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry's respect that she's ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all."
We know we've heard this line before involving every prudy yet hot actress in Hollywood, but we think there might be just a teensy bit of merit to this particular story. We think Jessica knows her options: find hot guy to knock her up so that people pay attention to her again (People love babies! And baby bumps! Catch the fever!) or flash her knockers. And babies are so much work! And they stick around for like eighteen years or something! That's a long time! Getting naked only takes like five minutes. And Jessica's got
hooker shoes to design. She's a busy girl.
more »
November 14, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Gimme Moore (in a Bikini)

•
Demikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (
Socialite's Life)
•
Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (
Cityrag)
• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made:
Major Movie Star, with
Jessica Simpson. It's like
Glitter meets
Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (
Derek Hail)
• A lady beat up
John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (
IMDb/WENN)
•
Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (
Egotastic!)
•
Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (
Yeeeah!)
• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
•
Brad and
Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (
CelebWarship)
November 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Matt n' Mandy, Sittin' in a Tree

• Is our sweet angel
Mandy Moore getting
Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (
Yeeeah!)
• Our favorite opiate connoisseur,
Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (
Drunken Stepfather)
• And Pete's ex,
Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (
Taxi Driver)
•
Jerry O'Connell has
hot wife; poor self-esteem. (
The Blemish)
• Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (
Cityrag)
•
Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (
Daily Stab)
•
Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (
Egotastic!)
•
Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (
Derek Hail)
•
Rihanna and
Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Which is causing poor
Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (
PopCrunch)
•
Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (
TMZ)
October 31, 2007
Ashley Olsen Mounts a Biker; Jessica Simpson Mounts a Stallion

Today we're going to play a little game. Take two seemingly single celebrities who have very little in common other than a love of shiny, shiny hair or blow or whatever and pretend that they're dating. We'll make up stories about where they went to dinner, which club they "canoodled" at, and there will be an anonymous tipster who saw them making out all night. Just call us Page Six. Couple number one will be
Jennifer Aniston and
Bobby Brown. They'll dine at Mr. Chow (Jen will pick up the check, obviously) then head over to Winston's to table dance with
Britney Spears. Couple number two will be
Joaquin Phoenix and
Lauren Conrad. They'll dine at The Ivy and then just say fuck it and make out on a bus bench on Sunset. If we added super juicy quotes about how each couple was "so into each other" they "couldn't take their eyes off each other" and she was "sitting on his lap stroking his hair all night" would you believe it? What if we changed our logo to read
New York Daily News and told you it wasn't actually these pairings who were seen on dates but rather
Ashely Olsen and
Lance Armstrong and
Jessica Simpson and
Owen Wilson? Yeah, you probably still wouldn't believe us.
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