filed under: Jessica Biel
August 01, 2008
Jessica Biel Loves Barbells More Than Brewskis

Like Lou Ferrigno with tits or an errant Hogan child raised on 'roid-laced breast milk,
Jessica Biel is most comfortable doing squat thrusts and deadlifts. Legend has it that an opposing army once fired a cannonball into her abs and the cannonball disintegrated into dust upon impact. True story! The only problem is that boyfriend
Justin Timberlake is concerned that Jessica's gym obsession has taken over her life. A source told
Digital Spy:
"Jessica is under a lot of pressure to stay in shape because there is so much competition among young actresses in Hollywood. Jessica loves to work out and so does Justin, but lately it seems like that's all she does. She's got an amazing body and Justin is trying to get through to her that she can afford to take some time out once in a while and have a burger, some beers and a day doing nothing."
Wow, that must be pretty hard for Justin to adjust. After all, please remember that he is used to dating
a woman who is known for taking time out every second of every day doing nothing, having a burger, and some beers. And some churros. And some margaritas. And some
Provigil. And a large sheet cake with Power Rangers on it. And a large Power Rangers sheet cake stuffed with Provigil and frosted with churros.
more »
June 03, 2008
TimBielake Hops on Wedding Bandwagon

Wedding fever is sweeping famous people land! In the guylinery wake of the
Wentz nuptials, every celebrity couple is planning on conceiving a child and/or tying the not.
Justin Timberlake and
Jessica Biel are no exception. According to our gossip ring bearer,
FemaleFirst:
Justin Timberlake has been shopping for an engagement ring.
The singer is planning to propose to Jessica Biel and is asking her close friends to help him choose the perfect diamond band. A pal of Jessica's told the Chicago Sun Times newspaper: "Justin has been ring shopping, and we're talking serious, major Harry Winston-type shopping here. He has been quizzing Jessica's closest pals and associates, trying to get a take on the kind of engagement rings she has admired. The only comment I ever heard Jessica make was when she complimented a mutual friend's square-cut emerald ring - when a girlfriend of ours got engaged. It was huge!"
Justin's friends claim the 'SexyBack' singer realised he wanted to take his relationship with Jessica to the next level after their busy work schedules kept them apart for long periods.
Last month, it was claimed Justin was ready to marry Jessica on the privately owned island of Mustique in the West Indies. A source said: "Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica."
Smart move, Timberlake. Smart move. When a woman has glutes that cause the most hardened among us to lie in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably. If and when this wedding actually takes place, Biel will probably just put a veil over her ass and walk down the aisle backwards. And when the minister asks, "Do you, butt, take Justin?" she will fart. Kissing the bride will be replaced by full analingus. Butthole jokes: the little black dress of comedy!
more »
April 18, 2008
Jessica Biel Gets It, Doggy-Style

Here we have
Jessica Biel on the set of her upcoming movie,
Nailed. And from the looks of it, she has a little something in common with
Michelle Rodriguez. Namely, having
sexual intercourse with dogs. However, while dainty princess Michelle insists on strictly vanilla sex behind the uptight confines of the bathroom door, Biel goes for oral sex in the middle of a field, the filthy little minx. P.S. Ass crack!!!

more »
April 03, 2008
Just Like You, Christina Ricci Wants Jessica Biel's Butt

We've been a bit concerned about
Christina Ricci lately. We will forever miss those luscious jugs she so viciously hacked off, but beyond that, she seems to grow smaller every day. But it seems there is hope for Ricci's dwindling frame, as she longs for a bubble butt to match her bobble head. Reports
People:
"I asked my trainer, 'Can you give me Jessica Biel's butt?'" the actress who starred with Biel's beau Timberlake in last year's Black Snake Moan tells the U.K. edition of Elle. "I want a bigger butt."
Alas, because of her tiny frame, "they said I couldn't," she laments. "Everyone wants what they can't have!"
It's probably a good thing that Christina's trainer wasn't willing to help her achieve Biel butt. Once she had that, she'd probably move on to replicating other famous body parts--
Angelina Jolie's lips,
Lindsay Lohan's breasts,
Gwen Stefani's flat stomach--until she looked like one of those composite pictures in
Us Weekly where the mash together the body parts that readers voted the sexiest. And those things always look like police sketches of rapists and serial killers. Not a good look for Christina.
more »
February 15, 2008
Timberlake 'Ring's in V-Day

In this world, when a famous woman places a hand upon her stomach, she is gravid with twins, and when a man gives a passing glance at a jewelry store, he is obviously planning on purchasing a huge conflict diamond to present to his buoyant-assed main squeeze. Obviously. So according to our gossip wedding planner,
FemaleFirst Justin Timberlake was spotted browsing rings at Tiffany in New York, which means he wants to wed innamorata
Jessica Biel. An onlooker said:
"Justin was really taking his time looking round the rings. He made the staff get a couple out of the cabinets so he could properly look at them. He didn't buy anything but told the manager he would think about it."
What the hell is there to think about, Timberlake? Good Christ, homeslice, you have upon your arm one of the finest bottoms that the Lord ever created. Get a damn ring and put it on that finger and make sure you have that kiester legally yours for all time. It's like when God decided to create Jessica Biel's ass, he got together the angels of the finest artists who had ever lived. Michelangelo had a hand in making it. So did Rodin. Da Vinci did a little work on it. Vermeer gave it that lit-from-within glow. And Bob Ross was there, putting "a happy little crack over there". And don't forget Bil Keane, who, with a few deft brush strokes, made Dolly and Jeffy gaze upon Biel's butt in reverence. Bil Keane isn't dead? Goddammit.
November 13, 2007
What Every Girl Wants: Sex Wax

Men, they are from Mars, and they are wont to find a move that works and stick with it, carrying it from relationship to relationship. One girl responds well to being serenaded by Breathe's "Hands to Heaven"? You better bet all subsequent girlfriends are gonna get an earful of mid-'80s English pop.
Justin Timberlake is no different, and rumor has it that he recycled an old
Cameron Diaz gift idea to give to abundant-assed new love
Jessica Biel: a surfboard and accompanying wax. Says a source:
"He phoned Evolution Surf and ordered a longboard with a blue, yellow and gold design. He also put in an order for a year's supply of Sex Wax. He thought it'd be fun to surprise her with a board and a trip to Hawaii to teach her how to surf!"
Haha, yeah, that would indeed be fun. It's also going to be super fun for Jessica when, after their arrival in Hawaii, Justin gifts her with a blonde wig and then grabs the corners of her mouth and staples them back in a permanent Joker grin. "Also, how about I call you 'Cammy'? Is that cool? I dunno, I just thought it would be fun!" FUN!
more »
October 26, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Biel 'Brella Bashes Like Britney

Now that it's raining more than ever/know that
Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (
Egotastic!)
Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (
Yeeeah!)
Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (
Drunken Stepfather)
Work that butt chin,
Jessica Simpson. (
IDLYITW)
Now we know what
Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (
Derek Hail)
Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into
Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (
Cityrag)
Find out what happens when
Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (
Fatback and Collards)
And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (
Celeb Warship)
Rwanda postponed its visit from
Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (
Celebitchy)
Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (
The Blemish)
October 24, 2007
A Handful of Biel

After
shotgunning a cool domestic beverage and cheering on large, overpaid men bashing the crap out of each other, the next logical step in one's evening would obviously be to reach over and bury your meathooks into the soft, rounded swelling of the female buttock. And that's exactly what
Justin Timberlake did to girlfriend
Jessica Biel on the sidelines of the Bears-Packers game. Wait, did we say "Justin Timberlake"? We meant "Jessica's very female friend". Justin was too busy gluing his eyes to other asses. The ones on the field. The ones attached to dudes. An onlooker told
Star:
"It looked like the friend reached over and squeezed Jessicas butt while Justin was looking out at the field. Jessica didnt even flinch - but when Justin suddenly turned around, Jessicas friend pulled her hand away."
Well good God, Biel is the owner of the most huggable, lovable pair of buns on the planet. How could one possibly be standing next to them and not give them a hearty honk? It would be like walking past a pile of bubble wrap without popping. Or walking by a fresh new pile of snow without making a snow angel in it. Or dropping off hot and sexy Jessica Biel after a mega lesbo-erotic sweaty workout session without leaning in to
french her, long and deep and hard.
more »
October 17, 2007
Da Beers

Stars--they're just like us! They
tailgate at the Packers-Bears game with pals. Although your pals might not be
Justin Timberlake,
Jessica Biel, and whatshisnuts. Dawson. Oh, Van Der Beek. Just look at that guy. Minutes before this picture was taken, he said, "I don't want . . . yer lahf." Then he looked at JT shotgunning the Miller Lite with Biel at his side and said, "Actually, yes. Yes, I do want . . . yer lahf."
more »
September 04, 2007
FemaleFirst Sez: "Aw, Whatever, They All Look Alike"

We read a somewhat perturbing story this morning from the usually ultra accurate and reliable FemaleFirst, but we can't quite figure out what's wrong with it. Maybe our loyal and knowledgeable readers can decipher it's perplexing mystery.
Jessica Biel was terrified about Ben Stiller touching her breasts in their new movie.
The 25-year-old actress, who stars alongside Stiller in 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry', worked out for weeks to ensure she looked her best for the scene where the comic actor feels her boobs.
Jessica told Style magazine: "I was definitely freaked out about filming that scene where Ben has to inspect my boobs to see if they are natural. I knew it was coming, I thought, 'I've only got a month, three weeks, then two weeks.'
"I had to train pretty hard and stay on a structured diet. I don't like the word 'diet' though, I just kept my eating in check to get to a place with my body where I felt, 'OK, its cool, I can be in a movie in my underwear.' "
Jessica, who plays a lawyer hired by two New York firemen who are pretending to be gay in the film, admits she loved working with Ben.
She added: "I like Ben a lot. He is like a big brother to me. It was such fun doing the movie together."
We just can't put our finger on it. Something's off. But what could it be? Oh, that's it. The story doesn't even mention Ben's fabulous past successes, like
Happy Gilmore,
The Wedding Singer, and
Billy Madison. You gotta give respect where respect is due, FF.
more »
August 23, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Duff Muff?

Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a giant football yesterday. (
Celebitchy)
Anna Faris makes with the cheek-smugglers. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Jessica Biel is happy to share her chest chasm with you in FHM. (
Egotastic!)
Attractive drip
Adrian Grenier throws genital caution to the wind and hangs out with
Paris Hilton. (
The Blemish)
Christina Aguilera's baby will not go hungry. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Sweden makes the call:
Bill Murray is one beer over par! (
IDLYITW)
Mariah Carey obscures breasts with lace grandma curtain; cirrus clouds. (
Cityrag)
Lindy Loho thinks that rehab is serious business. You can tell by her no-nonsense hair bun and utilitarian mom-chic hoodie. (
Yeeeah!)
The main peril of being a housecat is accidentally drinking antifreeze. Unless you're
Pete Doherty's cat, then the biggest problem is a couple of bumps of coke sprinkled atop your Meow Mix. (
A Socialite's Life)
Hilary Duff: womanly folds or crotch seam? (
Taxi Driver)
Hayden Panettiere: now old enough for lactose bukkake! (
Celeb Warship)
Jennifer Love Hewitt cries when she watches herself act. That's so funny, because we also wail uncontrollably when we have to watch her act. (
Daily Stab)
Kurt Russell sports flaccid ding dongage and a solid B-cup. (
Allie Is Wired)
August 17, 2007
Biel Butt, Soon Within Reach. Can You Smell It?

This
Powder Blue movie just keeps getting more and more appealing. Or should we say ap-peel-ing? Ha! Ha! Bet you never heard that pun before. Thank you, thank you. We'll be debuting similarly fresh material at Goldman's in the Catskills this coming Tuesday afternoon. But we digress. First, this movie promised
Jessica Biel in her
underwear, then there were whisperings that she was going to possibly be a little
nakeder than that. Today, we inch ever closer to uncovering exactly how much of the Biel we'll see. A source told
US Weekly:
"Jessica signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see - including shots of her breasts and butt."
The notion of seeing Jessica Biel's buoyant, storied squatter unfettered by clothing is akin to hearing the sweet song of the mythical siren without ear protection, or looking directly at the sun during an eclipse. It's dazzling and life-changing. And yet a little bit dangerous.
more »
August 08, 2007
Jessica Biel to Turn Powder Blue into Powder Nude

Remember yesterday when we brought you pictures of
Jessica Biel in her panties from her upcoming movie
Powder Blue? Remember how you were really excited and got a boner and played with it? Well today Jessica gives you an even bigger reason to bust out your trusty old raincoat and take a trip to the cinema. She may look like Jo Polniaczek in the movie, but, hey, she's gonna be naked. Yay! According to Contact Music:
JESSICA BIEL is dreading posing nude in her new movie POWDER BLUE, because she is terrified of stripping off in front of the film crew. The actress plays a stripper in the movie alongside Forest Whitaker and Ray Liotta, but is still unsure about baring all. She says, "I haven't decided exactly about the nudity. It's a tough one. I am considering it but it's a very scary thing to do. It definitely feels vulnerable to be naked in front of anybody let alone a film crew. And it's scary because of the internet - you don't know where it's going to end up. It's a moment that could be exploited."
Could be exploited? Obviously Jessica is not aware of our other website, jessicabielmonkeysex.com, in which we use the magic of Photoshop to create wonderful images of naked Jessica Biel doing all manner or dirty and nasty things with a monkey. Once we have
actual naked Jessica Biel pictures there will be a marvelous whiff of authenticity to our creations. Then surely we'll finally win that Bloggy we've always coveted.
August 07, 2007
The Crotchulosity of Jessica Biel

Yeah, so here's
Jessica Biel filming scenes for her new movie,
Powder Blue. Though with her jaunty pigtail, scamplike sack dress/orphan-style T-shirt, and rakishly impish oversized socks with no shoes, she may as well be filming
Punky Brewster: The Movie. Or a 2007 version
Pippi Longstocking. Instead of a stapler and a stack of papers, she should be holding a horse and Mr. Nilsson. Or a penis. Because she's making with the sexy underwear crotch shot, see.
more »
June 26, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Outrageous and Delusional

If
Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (
Drunken Stepfather)
I know why the caged
Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (
FemaleFirst)
What will
Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (
Yeeeah!)
While
Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (
Hollywood Backwash)
A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's
Clay Aiken! (
ONTD)
Once upon a time,
Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (
Derek Hail)
Germany has banned
Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (
Celebrity Hack)
Hef: the Movie. (
Hollywood Grind)
V.I.L.E. henchmen
Timberlake and
Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (
FemaleFirst)
Michael Lohan claims that Mama
Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child,
Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (
Celebitchy)
June 21, 2007
Bielkini 2: Bride of Bielkini

Honestly, we're not trying to play favorites here with the recent glut of
Jessica Biel posts. Asking us to pick a #1 out of our stable of comely, prancing fillies is like asking us to choose between our children. And by that we mean we say we love them equally, but there is a clear favorite: the one with the fattest ass. In summary, Jessica Biel is the daughter to whom we gave actual physical birth after carrying her inside of our womb, we use curious amount of horse and unicorn metaphors, we prefer her to our countless other offspring, and her butt is both staggeringly meaty and stuffed inside a bikini in the new
GQ magazine. Now go touch yourself or something.
more »
June 20, 2007
Timberlake Maybe Just(in) That Into Biel After All

We recently posted about
Justin Timberlake, a man whose nose and chin are just inches away from touching, thwarting the charms of the round-rumped, pillow-lipped
Jessica Biel, and refusing to
entertain her while on tour in Europe. But that was a full five days ago. Things change. Boners yearn for the warm caress of
7th Heaven stars. According to
People:
Biel, 25, arrived in Amsterdam Sunday evening, and she and Timberlake, 26, holed up in The Dylan, a romantic five-star hotel.
On Monday, they arrived in Stockholm. That evening, the pair - with a 13-member entourage - ate at Stockholm's Beirut Cafι, a Lebanese restaurant. "They seemed like an ordinary couple in love," owner Elias Karroum tells PEOPLE. "They were very sweet."
Adds Karroum: "They also tried to smoke a water pipe with apple-flavored tobacco. They said they'd tried it before, but we had to show them how to do it properly."
Haw, Timberlake is whipped by bountiful buns. "I have to concentrate on my music! My tour is so important! Waaaah, I want to touch a butt." And double haw on the "apple-flavored tobacco". Yeah, they were just having a dry run for later, when they'd smoke the fat doobs they bought in Amsterdam. Do you like our appropriation of the term "fat doobs"? We are down with the youth of today. Right, shorties? Do I make you horny, baby? Whazzzzap.
more »
June 15, 2007
He's Just Not That Into Biel
Justin Timberlake is not someone we'd peg as an entirely insensitive creature. "Cry Me a River" kinda got us, you know? But if the following story is to be believed, he's no better than the Natty Light swilling, ultimate frisbee-tossing, "yeah, that bitch is so totally into me but whatever, dude. She's crazy. She's a stalker, man" brohamms of the world. It seems that he is not as taken with the soft and rounded
charms of
Jessica Biel as one would expect. Britain's
Daily Mirror quotes Timberlake as saying, quite preposterously,
"She truly insisted that she came with me on tour. I don't know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn't really a good idea. This time I'm putting the machine before everything else. Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts."
We find this rather hard to believe, seeing how Jessica Biel is as lovely as a fluffy new lamb with a charming bell around its neck being petted by a throng of culturally diverse children with disabilities, and Justin Timberlake is the facial equivalent of Lady Elaine.
more »
May 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wonderjocks

If a
Denise Richards and Richie Sambora break up in the woods and no one is there to care, do they make a sound? (
TMZ)
Avril Lavigne, topless. He was a sk8tr b0i, I said see my taters, boy. (
Yeeeah!)
Mary Kate Olsen slips rib. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Justin Timberlake flew
Jessica Biel and her first-class ass to England for tea and beans on toast. No, for canoodling. Canoodling. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Ewan MacGregor wears junk-enhancing briefs. Are they 18 hour? Do they lift and separate? (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Teri Hatcher has leopard-spotted pubic hair! Or underwear, whatever. (
Taxi Driver)
Is
Vanessa Minnillo humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool? Because it really looks like Vanessa Minnillo is humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool. (
Derek Hail)
Britney Spears hates her mom and did not call her or visit her on Mother's Day, when said mom was in the hospital with pneumonia. Then she tear-gassed an orphanage and crapped on a veteran's memorial. (
Glosslip)
David Faustino got busted for weed possession for the most convenient headline ever. (
Celebitchy)
May 15, 2007
Maxim Overturns Accepted Order of Sexiness

It seems that every month or so some magazine or website or other collective of undersexed males declares who, at that very moment, every man on earth should want to do dirty things to more than any other living female. For a while there it looked as if
Angelina Jolie would top every such list for eternity, but apparently scooping up the world's orphans one by one and making them crazy sexy cool isn't that hot. Recent months have seen
Scarlett Johansson and
Jessica Biel duking it out, with the boobs winning out in the winter months and the butt emerging like a spring tulip to entrance all comers. But today we have a long-lost dark horse pulling out in front. Can you stand the suspense? Really, really, can you? Aw, crap. We put her picture right there next to these words and ruined the surprise. We suck.
more »
April 24, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Jonathan Rhyshab Meyers

They try to make me wear a tee-shirt, I said, no, no, no. (
Egotastic!)
They tried to make
Jonathan go to Rhyshab, he said, no, no, n--well, okay. (
Female First)
John Krasinski from
The Office and
Renιe Zellweger? OK, that sounds fine, carry on. (
I'm Not Obsessed)
Scarlett Johansson's handsome jumblies are
SNL's new Hans and Franz. Because they'll pump (clap) you up. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Scary Spice's daughter is not named Fortuna, as previously reported. She's Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Because everybody loves
Candice Bergen! (
D Listed)
Morgan Fairchild: she's still got (t)it! (
Drunken Stepfather)
Some rich Russian guy wants to pay
Jennifer Lopez $2 million dollars to sing at a party. Little does he know that stateside, a J. Lo warbling usually goes for around $36.99 and a half a pack of Fruit Stripe. (
IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
It's been a few weeks since we've dipped our chalice into the lusty lake that is
Jessica Biel's rotund squatter. Let's do. (
Yeeeah!)
Speaking of asses, here's
Nicky Hilton's. She does not share her sister's unfortunate goiteresque gluteal growth. (
Taxi Driver)
Hilary Duff strokes a thick, wrinkled, fleshy tube. (
Popoholic)
Suri Cruise hits the party circuit. (
Bricks and Stones)
April 13, 2007
I'll Biel Seeing You In All the Old Mam-iliar Places

If our stats are to be believed, you guys are fairly partial to looking at pictures of
Jessica Biel. So here is Jessica Biel ponying up some lightly lined softcup®: brassiere in photo form. Man. If only Jessica Biel were disgusting. Then we could transpose two letters of her last name and call her "Jessica Bile". If Perez Hilton has taught us anything, it's that nicknames are "hep" and "hella" with the kids. Very "grunge"! Yeah, you like that when we speak your language, huh, Generation Y (*eagerly making "shocker" with hand*).
more »
April 03, 2007
Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson Shared Timberlake, But Not "Sexiest" Title

For the past two years,
Scarlett Johansson has been sweeping every sort of poll and contest related to sex appeal, animal magnetism, and zazz. From
Playboy to
Esquire to
Ask Men and everything in between, Scarj has been a veritable juggernaut of sexiness, busting through walls Kool-Aid Man style to assault you at every turn with her soft and kneadable wares. But now she's looking over her shoulder, because large-assed tortoise has finally overtaken the top-heavy hare. Welcome to a new world order with your fat-bottomed overlord,
Jessica Biel.
more »
March 29, 2007
I Now Pronounce You Butt and Boobies

John Ritter's untimely death left a void in our hearts and the only thing that could possibly fill it is another comedy in which the male character(s) pretend to be homosexual in order to achieve otherwise impossible means. The only thing more hilarious is mixed race couples in zany fish out of water scenarios! "LOL," and what have you. But the new film
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry not only stars Adam Sandler and Kevin James as faux gays, there is no Regal Beagle! There is, howeve