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filed under: Jessica Alba

November 06, 2008

WOW! We Almost Didn't Recognize Jessica Alba with Those Objectionably Baggy Tights

jessica_alba_pigtails_invisible_1.jpg Look out, Charlize Theron in Monster! Jessica Alba is hot on the heels of your cinematic fuglitude! The facially gifted star has been photographed on the set of her upcoming movie, An Invisible Sign of My Own, in which she plays a dowdy math teacher obsessed with numbers. You can tell Alba's character means business because, naturally, only ugly women can be smart. Let's take a moment to commend the highers-up on this film for their daring bravery in allowing Jessica Alba to ugly up for this serious role. Just look at those pigtails! Her hair only has 76% of the shine it usually does. And instead of pouty gloss, her lips are coated in a demure soft rose shimmer as to magically transform them from voluptuously kissable to slightly just-bitten and vaguely pouty. The pencil in the mouth, well, that does suggest phalluses and oral, but it's a pencil! That's so nerdy! And the clashing prints! Oh, only an intelligent, unattractive person would dare to "go there"! We haven't seen a transformation this stunning since fat Jared Leto with gout.

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October 02, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Tell Me Hish Name, Doctor!

jessica_alba_vote.jpg • You better vote! Or else Jessica Alba will devour your spleen. (Yeeeah!)

• Christina Milian upskirt. No labes, plenty of moundage. (Bossip)

• Britney Spears visits elementary school; gently lays boob on 4th grader's arm. (Cityrag)

• Megan Fox describes herself as a "man with a vagina". (Daily Stab)

• Diora Baird in Maxim. Thanks for photoshopping those nipples out, Maxim. We almost got turned on there for a second. (Derek Hail)

• Heather Locklear's DUI arrest was maybe a frame job! Dun dun DUN! (Bitten and Bound)

• Top 10 sexiest Keeley Hazell videos of all time. (Unibrow)

• Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? ME, and Martha DUMPTRUCK? Because I can be. Get crucial, she was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers. Holy shit, we'll CRUCIFY her! Shannen "Heather Duke" Doherty spreads her gams and holds a bottle of cider over her poon for Details. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Jessica Simpson gives good blow-up doll face. (Fatback)

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September 23, 2008

Jessica Alba Dumps Post-Baby Bump! Yay!

jessica_alba_bikini_beach1.jpg Hey, guess what, guys? Jessica Alba is like totally skinny again! Can you believe it? She like just had a baby five minutes ago. That's just amazing. She must be so disciplined. It's so hard to get rid of baby weight. It usually takes forever. Am I right, ladies? Aren't most of you like still carrying around fifteen pounds of flab from that little brat who just started kindergarten? Jessica Alba is so lucky. So so lucky. So goddamn fucking lucky. OK, screw this. This is so not fair. Is it not enough, Jessica Alba, that you are stunningly gorgeous and universally desired by men? Isn't that enough for you? Couldn't you like keep an extra five pounds on your stomach at least until that damn kid is weaned? Why must you torture the rest of us like this? You got to costar opposite Dane Cook, for Xenu's sake. Comedy legend and all around awesome dude Dane Cook! You are one lucky lady, Jessica Alba. Now, please, show a tiny bit of compassion and make a habit of running out to Whole Foods to pick up organic peas and carrots to make into strained homemade baby food while sporting a full head of curlers or something.

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September 11, 2008

Jessica Alba Sez: Vote for Bondage!

jessica_alba_declare_yourself_voting_ad.jpg Supposedly this ad of Jessica Alba wrapped in tape is shocking, although we're not too sure why, because every seven-year-old has done the same thing with a roll of duct tape and learned a very valuable lesson about how much that f'ing hurts. But she's in bondage, which is sort of hot, sure, but not shocking, unless you're seventeen. "Ohmigod, not voting is so like the same as being tied up and not allowed your freedom and being restrained from doing fun things like shopping and getting mani pedis. I am so going to vote! When do I do that? Is it this weekend, because my boyfriend is playing in a really, really important soccer match and I totally have to be there cause he'll be really sad if I'm not there cheering for him and it will probably make his team lose. So I hope voting doesn't happen this weekend, cause I won't be able to make it. Can we reschedule?" Also, if we're supposed to equate not voting with being stripped of our voice and our freedom, is this ad also gently coaxing us to vote for former POW McCain? Makes you think, doesn't it? more »
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August 07, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Supa Dupa Krupa

krupa_naked_maxim.jpg • Joanna Krupa gets naked for Maxim. Maxim-um mammage. (The Blemish)

• Mr. Skin asks: who's the hottest dame in a superhero movie? (Mr. Skin)

• Beauty and the Undereye Bags: Catherine Keener is porking Benicio del Toro. (Hollyscoop)

• Shia the Beef will not have to have his pinky amputated. So. Uh. Great, we guess. (Celebitchy)

• 46-21-55. Kim Kardashian in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Kate Moss switched lives with her nanny for a day. Which marks the first time Kate has seen her child since its birth. Awww. (Female First)

• Jessica Alba humps a chair like her name was Nomi Malone. (Cityrag)

• Jessica Simpson strips for Tony Romo via webcam. Haw, like we're supposed to believe Jessica Simpson knows how to turn a computer on? (peanut gallery: "Well, she sure know how to turn ME on! Ahahahaha!") (Holy Taco)

• Sienna Miller's friends maintain that she did not wreck Balthazar Getty's marriage. She just stuck a knife in its already rotting corpse and twisted it around and then cut off its head is all. (CelebWarship)

• Morgan Freeman and his wife split. We blame Sienna Miller. (Daily Stab)

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July 16, 2008

An Honor-ary Scientologist?

JessicaAlbaBaby.jpgJessica Alba does everything better than you. She looks better in a bikini, she always replaces the toilet paper in the proper overhand position, and she gave birth to brand new whelp Honor Marie Warren with nary a drug, scalpel, or uttered word. The new baby pics and first post-birth interview was sold to the highest bidder graciously granted to OK! mag, and Alba says that Honor's birth was a quiet affair.
“I didn’t scream," Jessica reveals. "It was really Zen.” And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”

The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. “The labor was more like meditation,” she says. “I did yoga breathing. I was focused."
Yeah, Jessica, um, it would probably be wise if you maybe kept that whole quiet, Zen birth thing under wraps. Lest tomorrow you wake up in a dark room with a throbbing headache and when the burlap sack is removed from your head, you see Tom Cruise there, whispering, "Soon, my sweet. Soon. You shall be my new loins." more »
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July 11, 2008

Million Dollar Baby(s)

jessica-alba-middle-finger-paparazzi.jpgYou know that picture of you at 8 months old? The one depicting you with one hand down your diaper and the other using one of your own fekes as a writing utensil on the dining room wall? The one your mom lovingly calls "Harold and the Poople Crayon" that she likes to whip out when you bring dates over? Imagine that picture is worth more than your salary times twenty, and you know what it's like to be Jessica Alba's daughter or Matthew McConaughey's son. Both Alba and McCon have brokered deals to whore out lovingly sell photographs of their precious spawn to magazines for a sweet, sweet price. According to TMZ:
TMZ has learned Honor Marie Warren, celebuspawn of Jessica Alba and hubby Cash Warren, is now $1.5 million richer thanks to OK! Magazine.

We're hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other "event" -- Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

Two-month-old Honor, we're told, is just "adorable" and the pictures, taken this week, are "so cute."
1.5 clams buys a lot of Baby Bjorns and Zwieback crackers, to be sure, but Honor Warren is actually as poor as Firecrotch Lohan circa 2006 in the race for the priciest baby pics. Our personal photo broker, Female First, says:
Matthew McConaughey has reportedly sold photos of his new son for $3 million.

The 'Fool's Gold' actor and model girlfriend Camila Alves - who welcomed Levi, their first child together, earlier this week - are said to have signed a deal with America's OK! magazine to publish the first pictures of the little boy.
What makes one baby worth twice as much as another? What does Levi have that Honor doesn't? Perhaps we should go by the parents and assume that Honor sat for her shoot, sour-faced, demanding a body double for her diaper scenes while Levi let it all hang out, even humping some sand on a beach and sharing a weed pacifier with the camera crew. more »
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July 02, 2008

Audrina Patridge To Bare Her Hills in Into the Blue 2?

audrina patridge pussyca dolls sexy costume.jpg When we think "serious thespians Paul Walker and Jessica Alba in Into the Blue," obviously we also think "sequel!" But in the grand tradition of taking a mildly successful film, not coughing up enough cash to get its stars to return, and instead packing it with boobies (i.e., Poison Ivy 2 and Cruel Intentions 2), Into the Blue 2 will make sure it has a couple of bouncing buoys to grab your attention. Egotastic brings us the poop from a somewhat dubious source:
I can't find the original article, so I'm not 100% sure on this one, but according to National Ledger (ever the bastion of journalistic integrity), Star magazine is reporting that we will see Audrina Patridge topless in her new movie Into the Blue 2. The report also indicates that we will soon see pictures of Audrina nude on the set, but I think that's a stretch.

"Audrina will keep the buzz of her cleavage going this summer with more nude pictures from the set of a film she is working on. According to a report from Star magazine, Audrina will be taking it all off again in the film. The scandal from March has not dissuaded the 23-year-old from stripping it off and the magazine is reporting that is what she will be doing during the filming Into The Blue 2.

"Star Magazine is reporting that it has learned Audrina will have a topless scene in the movie (where she plays Kelsey and stars along side Laura Vandervoort). 'The script calls for a moment where Audrina takes off her bathing-suit top for two seconds,' a source tells the magazine. 'Still, she's a little nervous, because she wants to be seen as a serious actress.'"
A serious actress, huh? We think we'll believe that one right around the time we start believing Heidi Montag really wants more privacy. more »
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Rose and Rodriguez: Ruined over Rubles

rose mcgowan robert rodriguez.jpg Remember when wholesome family-movie director (Spy Kids) / blood-and-guts-fetishist (Planet Terror) Robert Rodriguez left his wife of sixteen years and their cadre of annoyingly named children to get it on with tragically wonk-eyed actress Rose McGowan. Yeah, bet he's kicking himself for that one right about now. Page Six reports on their breakup and her career shortcomings:
ROSE McGowan's breakup with her fiancι, director Robert Rodriguez, could be good news for some other actresses, who could end up with the leading roles she was set to play in his movies.

McGowan was hoping to star in at least three planned Rodriguez films - a remake of "Barbarella," "Red Sonja" and "Woman in Chains!"

But sources say the couple, who we reported last October were engaged, have split, partly over the problems Rodriguez had finding financing for "Barbarella" - the 1968 cult classic in which Jane Fonda played a sexy space adven- turess - with McGowan in the title role.

McGowan, best known for her witchy role on TV's "Charmed," wasn't thought to have enough box-office draw for the $70 million remake, especially after "Grindhouse" disappointed with about $25.4 million in domestic ticket sales.

"Too bad 'Grindhouse' didn't gross $100 million. Then, maybe, 'Barbarella' would have gotten the green light," said one source. "Instead, the moguls were saying, 'We need a bigger star, a bigger name.' " Jessica Alba has been touted as a possible replacement.
R. Rod's internal monologue: "God dammit, I f'ed up. I directed Jessica Alba before that two-bit TV lady came along. I had a crack at her, and I passed it up. I could've had her, right? I'm a big-time movie director. I'm friends with Quentin Tarantino. I know Antonio Banderas. Banderas! He was a Mambo King! That's impressive, right? Right? Man, I'm an idiot." more »
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June 09, 2008

All Rise for the Honor-able Baby Alba-Warren

jessica_alba_beach-cutoffs.jpgPassing through Jessica Alba's labia: it's your penis's daydream, but it's an infant's reality. That's right! Alba finally shat a brat. Congrats! People reports:
Jessica Alba and husband Cash Warren have welcomed a baby girl. Honor Marie Warren was born June 7 in Los Angeles, her rep, Brad Cafarelli, confirms. This is the couple's first child.
And according to Dlisted, they came up with the name when Jess told friends that it was an "honor having Cash Warren's baby." Hahaha, really? That's the best she could come up with? Gross. Though it is kind of fitting, since when this baby grows up, if she looks anything like her mother, all the dudes will be Boner Warrin' over her. Eh? Ha ha? Not bad, right? No? F U. more »
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May 20, 2008

We Now Pronounce You Cash and Wife

jessica_alba_cash_warren_cuddle.jpgOh Jessica Alba, you irrepressible little rapscallion! Waiting until we're all atizzy over the Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz Tweedledumbass nuptials and then sneaking off and getting hitched on a Monday. People scoops the poop:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have gotten married, PEOPLE confirms.

The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.

Alba, 27, is expecting a daughter with Warren, 31, this summer.

The couple met while filming Fantastic Four and were engaged last December.
So if you were spending sleepless nights worrying about the soul of their unborn fetus coming into this world a bastard and therefore destined to forever be filleted in the fiery bowels of hell for all eternity, worry no longer. That one was for our significant Neo-Calvinist readership. Haaaaaay. more »
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May 14, 2008

Sexica Alba Talks Sex

jessica alba as charlie chaplin.jpg Jessica Alba says sex ain't no big thing. She thinks everyone should be able to have sex with whoever they sex. If men can sex with sex when they sex, women should sex whoever they sex sex sex sex sex sex. Sex think sex covers sex. People brings us the scoop on Jess's totally sexy sex interview for Allure. Sex.
On Her Steamy Public Image: "[Hollywood] always play[s] up your sexuality, because that's what gets men into the theaters. And I never really gave a s--- about all that stuff! It's nothing to be ashamed of. But it is definitely not what I am about by any means!"

On Owning Her Sexuality: "I don't think I was comfortable with my sexuality until I was an adult, probably, like, 22 – that's when I stopped apologizing and stopped feeling ashamed. I did the Vagina Monologues in L.A. That made me proud."

On Sex Before Marriage: "I never believed women had to be virgins when they got married, or that a woman has to fall in love with a guy just because they're having sex. I don't think sex is a big deal. I hated the hypocrisy of it. Men can do whatever, and it's acceptable."
We get it. Now that Jessica's all knocked up and only desired for her massive milk-filled maracas and not the whole hotness package, she's feeling undesirable so she's all like, "Hey! Look at me! I'm still hot. And I like to have sex. A lot. With anyone I feel like. I'm like a man. Only super duper super hot. LOOK AT ME!"

Oh, and of course, when you think sexy you immediately think Charlie Chaplin, right? You are so like Jessica Alba! She dressed up as the Little Tramp to showcase her rocking bod. Because tramps like to have sex, therefore Chaplin is sexy. Is that the reasoning here? Because our only other guess is that Allure's costume closet was robbed and the only get-ups left were Charlie and Minnie Pearl. In which case, way to blow it, Jess, on the sexier of two choices. more »
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May 02, 2008

Jessica Alba Provides Milky Nourishment for Your Eyes

jessica_alba_see_thru_preg_nipples_1.jpgNormally, we'd take any racy, suggestive, or nude pictures we cared to share and place them under a cut for the sake of discretion and our ongoing campaign to keep you all from getting fired. However, we're not going to bother when it comes to these shots of Jessica Alba wearing a semi-sheer dress over her cup-runneth-over pregnancy rack. Why not? Because. If your boss comes over to your desk and grouses about you looking at nipples during work time, you can just say that you are admiring the natural miracle of life blossoming before your very eyes. "There is nothing more beautiful than an expectant mother glowing while preparing to nourish her infant with nature's perfect food, created directly from her own body, do you not agree?" you'll ask your boss. And he or she will obviously have to agree and then give you a promotion and a raise so he/she doesn't seem like an insensitive philistine. In summary, looking at pictures of nipples at work will win you a corner office and mad influence. Soon to be a cassette series availabe via Fingerhut.

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March 05, 2008

Jessica Alba Sez: "More Ham and Cheese, Please!"

jessica alba eats a flower.jpg You what we love? (well, besides masturbating to Judy Nails, of course.) When skinny famous ladies fall pregnant and finally allow themselves to stuff any old thing into their cake holes. The thought of preggo Milla Jovovich grabbing a cow bone and sucking out the marrow was to us what schoolgirl porn is to Charlie Sheen. Now PageSix.com reveals that Jessica Alba loves nothing more than a ham and cheese sandwich.
Attention, celeb pals of Jessica Alba, PageSix.com has a heads-up on baby gifts for the actress's much-anticipated little one: ham and cheese.

Cash Warren's fiancιe was feeling bloggyin France today, on the last stop of promoting her thriller The Eye. The bumped beauty mused on Paris fashion, Amy Winehouse and deli sandwiches while getting makeup done for her flick's French premiere (above).

Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the States, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. IT'S THE BEST.
It's almost as if harboring a fetus in one's uterus makes a an untouchable example of Hollywood perfection HUMAN. Does this mean that about once a day Jessica Alba also places her posterior upon a ring of porcelain and excretes feces? Is it possible that she is one of us?
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February 25, 2008

Winners, Losers, Snoozers: Oscar Fun for Everyone

jessica-alba-oscars.jpgGlamour and glitter! Fashion and fame! It's not just the lyrics to the Jem theme, friends, it's Oscar night! Last night Hollywood's finest donned their gayest frocks and convened to numb their buns in a theater, sans alcohol, while other people got faux gold statuettes and wept. It usually takes a day or two before hawk-eyed Encyclopedia Brown type is able to decode a nipple slip or cheek sneak or two, so we'll wait, patiently twiddling our thumbs and other protruding, fleshy knobs. In the meantime, head over to Egotastic! to peruse all of the Oscar fashions. Marvel, if you will, over the fact that these people have access to borrowed $8000 gowns and millions of dollars worth of jewels, the world's most famous designers, hairdressers, and makeup artists, and STILL, everyone wore a plain black, white, or red gown. Except for Diablo Cody, who donned her own Urban Outfitters leopard curtains (rowrrr!), skull and crossbone earrings (rollergirls RULZ!) and pinup girl tattoo (eat your heart out, Winehouse!). Suicide Girls with a pen! You just know she's got cherries tattooed somewhere on her body.

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Oh yeah. And some people won stuff too, or whatever.

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February 21, 2008

Jessica Alba's Doublemint Womb

Jessica_alba_bump.jpgOK, this is just getting freaky now. Not only is every actress between the ages of 24 (uh, make that 17, sorry Jamie Lynn) and 42 presently pregnant, over half of them are housing twins. This is some straight up sci-fi, Village of the Damned baby boom type crap right here. J. Lo is about to shoot a double dose of squalling, powder-scented flesh out of her baby burrito, Angelina Jolie is rumored to be cooking up a pair, and now Jessica Alba? Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, quotes a source close to Jessica as saying,
"Knowing that she's going to have twins has literally turned Jessica's life upside down. She and Cash have had to scrap their plans for a one-baby nursery and start all over again . . . Cash and Jessica aren't sure whether they want to know the sex of the babies now or wait to be surprised when Jess gives birth on June 8."
It's rather amazing that the uteruses of female celebrities seem to be equipped with a trend-sniffing device that enables them to grow the latest in fetal fads. Pretty soon they'll be popping out Yorkies in Burberry dog raincoats, like Athena springing full-grown from the head of Zeus.
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February 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Boozin' and Coozin'

britney_bday.jpg• More oddly smooth Britney mons pubis. We're starting to think that maybe those are flesh-toned undies. Foiled! (Faded Youth)

• But she still can't see her chitlins. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• The bottle came between Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst. The bottle, and her baby vampire fangs. (Yeeeah!)

• Denise Richards says that exploiting her children in a reality show is fine, because they said yes when she asked them if they wanted to be on TV. They're two and three. If you asked them if they wanted to have live jellyfish sewn to their faces, they'd say "Yaaaay!" (I'm Not Obsessed)

• J. Lo has checked in to the hospital! She will now proceed to birth a child from each of her buns. (PopCrunch)

• Hilary's Duff, in a bikini. (Egotastic)

• The Heidi Klum-Seal family, in a traveling version of Cats. (Derek Hail)

• Megan Fox Jacks it. (Fatback)

• Alba pulls a Lindsay and recreates old junk in photos. Only without the boobs, natch. (The Blemish)

• OMG, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden actually left the house! They're such horrible parents! Alert DCFS! (Celeb Warship)

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January 14, 2008

Jessica Alba's Baby Adds Junk to Trunk

jessica-alba-pregnant_ boobs-1.jpgLike Weird Al at the beginning of his video for "Fat", preggo Jessica Alba is expanding at rates previously unchartered. Her zippers bust, her buckles break. She's got more chins than Chinatown. Ham on whole wheat, all right. Jessica tells People:
"When you're pregnant, your breasts are engorged and your stomach is getting bigger. And the ass, too, that's getting bigger by the second!"
We're sure that every girl who suffered the injustice of going to high school with Jessica Alba is sitting back, hands folded, a self-satisfied smile spreading across her face. Now if only Jessica could develop a scorching case of facial impetigo and have a family of Madagascar hissing cockroaches take up residence in her vaginal cavity, all that hard work little Jennifer and Melissa and Amy performed on their Jessica Alba voodoo doll during 1991 sleepovers would finally bear fruit.

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December 28, 2007

CNW Holiday Junk Drawer: 'Tis the Season to Be Drunky

mischa-barton-dui.jpgPlease allow these links to tide you over until January 2, when we will be hangover-free and ready to devote ourselves to bringing you nipple slips and Tinseltown fetuses once again.

• Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI and drug possession. Way to be Scrooges, cops. (TMZ)

• Fergie is engaged! To a man, even! Flossy, flossy. (A Socialite's Life)

• Jessica Alba is also engaged. Awwww, now her baby won't be a bastard. Cute! (Derek Hail)

• Robin Wright and Sean Penn are not engaged, however. In fact, they are getting a divorce. Perhaps she finally got a glimpse of him in the cold hard light of day. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Et tu, Brendan Fraser and wife? Oh, Encino Man, why can't you and your onion field hair plugs make love last? (Celebitchy)

• The sirer of Jamie Lynn Spears's unborn doohicky might not be Casey Aldridge. It might, instead, be Kevin Federline. Juuuuuust kidding, it's some old dude. (Yeeeah!)

• Gaze upon these photos of Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini and be revived. And then note sadly that Michael Bolton is the master of that body, and shrivel, groaning in pain. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Sharon Stone trots out those nips for a trip around the block. (Celeb Warship)

• Lindsay Lohan might as well face it, she's addicted to dong. (Egotastic!)

• Leelee Sobieski. TeeTee Boobichesti. (The Blemish)

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December 20, 2007

Alba and Hewitt Make for a Barren Nude Year

jessica-alba-gold-20.jpgPretty lady/PA semen receptacle Jessica Alba is not letting a little thing like pregnancy get in the way of her main occupation. Which is not acting, it's whining about how she hates being sexy and will never show you so much as an unadorned elbow so STFU. According to SF Gate:
[Alba has] reportedly turned down three offers to show off her baby bump in revealing magazine photoshoots.

The 26-year-old has already ruled out the chance to follow the likes of Demi Moore and Christina Aguilera and bare all for glossy covers.

A friend says, "She had three offers on the first day, but she doesn't intend to take any of them."
Yeah, we know. Alba won't be happy until we call her a stupid ugly warty misshapen goblin that smells real bad. And when we do, she'll do a little pirouette and look in the mirror and say, "They hate me! I'm gross! Yaaaaayyyyy!"

And no nudes is also good nudes for Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose Hugetits will not be bandied about in Playboy anytime soon, despite their generous offer. Says SF Gate:
The actress' publicist tells the upcoming issue of In Touch Weekly magazine the "Ghost Whisperer" star was "flattered" by the offer, but turned it down. A friend of the 28-year-old says, "She's pretty conservative, but is very proud of her body."
Well, of course JLH wouldn't stoop to such low pap as flaunting her flesh in the pages of Playboy magazine. Like Alba, she is too busy being a serious actress. Plus those residuals from Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties and The Tuxedo are keeping her in forehead polish and cross-your-heart bras just fine. more »
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December 12, 2007

Jessica Alba Pregnant. No, Really. Seriously. This Is Not a Joke. She Really, Honestly Is.

jessica_alba_pregnant.jpgPeople with concave abdomens and 20 inch waists baffle us. Is there room for organs in there? How is the liver contained? Is it squished down into one's thigh? How can the intestine hang freely enough to do their job? We've often thought this about Jessica Alba in particular, and now we have something new to worry about in regards to her guts--there's a baby festering in there. Yes. For real. Quoth our gossip Lamaze instructor, Female First:
Jessica Alba has confirmed that she is pregnant with her first child.

The sexy actress and her boyfriend Cash Warren are expecting their new arrival next spring after dating for almost four years.

The pair have been dating since meeting on the set of Fantastic Four in 2004 where Cash was working as a director's assistant.

Jessica's agent Brad Cafarelli told People.com today: "I confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer."
For years Jessica's spoken of little else than her desire to be taken seriously as an actress and to not be a sex symbol. However, letting a lowly PA ejaculate into you in order to repulse all who lust for you is taking it a bit far. On the bright side, it looks as if Alba's enviable midriff will be spared--it seems that she's baking up that baby in her ass cheeks. Everyone cheer!
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November 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: The Rigors of Touring

jennifer_love_hewitt_huge_bikini_5_big.jpg• Jennifer Love Hewitt is the new Kardashian. Bla-DOW! (The Blemish)

• Flash go the cameras, and out winks the Halle Berry cotton cheek-splitter. (Taxi Driver)

• Brendan Fraser got his head replanted for the winter. (Cityrag)

• Something something about the Hogans . . . something divorce, lawsuit something something-or-other? Oh, whatever. You'd never see the Iron Sheik in this embarrassing position. (Derek Hail)

• Vintage Cindy Crawford--before the Pepsi commercial, before the Gere, back when Aaron Neville face goober was but a freckle on the horizon. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse has cancelled all her tour dates. Her doctor cites "the rigors involved in touring" and "emotional strain" as the reasons. Which sound like legitimate medical excuses, right up there with "the vapors" and "consumption" and "the grippe". (The Hollywood Gossip)

• "Greetings and salutations. My eyebrows are on top of my skull." (Dlisted)

• Eva Green is a gorgeous gothick angel sent from crazy Joan Collins style heaven and placed upon this earth to teach us all about beauty and love and eyeliner. (Lainey Gossip)

• Face it--you're never going to touch Jessica Alba. So instead, set your sights on her slightly more attainable stunt double! (Daily Stab)
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November 01, 2007

Jessica Alba is a Nevernude

alba_beach.jpgIt's rather apropos that Jessica Alba is looking quite comfortable in those cutoffs to the left. Because, like Tobias from Arrested Development, she is a Nevernude. The denim shall grow crusty and thick with sloughed skin cells. It will perhaps fuse around that storied, mysterious vagina. But the shorts will not come off, and your fantasies will remain unfulfilled. According to ABC News:
Alba believes it is important to abide by her strict religious beliefs, even if it means losing out on blockbuster film roles.

The 26-year-old says, "I will never do a nude scene in a movie, not ever. I can act sexy and I can wear sexy clothes but I can't go naked. I think I was always very uncomfortable about the way my body developed. I come from a Catholic family and it wasn't seen as good to flaunt yourself. I can handle being sexy with clothes on but not with them off."
Not being able to be sexy when the clothes come off does not spell success for poor Cash Warren. Nor for Jessica's career. Truly, this is a great, great move on Alba's part. Look at the amazing, meaty roles that have been falling into her lap since she's put on the proverbial (or literal, we suppose) denim chastity belt. Into the Blue, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, the harrowing urban dance drama Honey, and who could forget the lighthearted modern comedy classic Good Luck Chuck? Indeed, creamy cocoa skin and the fairest of bottoms coupled with extreme prudishness is a ticket straight to the cinematic stratosphere! Look out, Shannon Elizabeth! Cover your ass, Tara Reid! And prepare yourselves, family-oriented romps costarring talking CGI barnyard creatures! Jessica Alba is coming for you! more »
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October 26, 2007

Albraless

jessica-alba-see_through.jpgNow this is a shot worth your attention. Your first instinct, we're sure, is to notice that Jessica Alba's shirt is completely see-through. Your heart swells, as do your reproductive parts, as Jessica Alba see-through shots are few and far between. Then you notice that she is wearing a brassiere, and you wither a bit, but not for long, as you note that said foundation garment is also sheer. Your erectile tissues fill with blood anew, until it become apparent that your worst fears are actually true. Jessica Alba has no nipples. Where are those things? You cannot make out pasties or patches or even latex paint. Sadly, your eyes then wander south and notice that she is wearing pants that would look at home on a Bratz doll, and you might as well stick a tombstone on your dingus because that thing is d-e-a-d dead. more »
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