CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: Jennifer Lopez

July 15, 2008

JLo's Baby-Clothes Budget: Eighty Bajillion Dollars

Jenifer_Lopez_with_babies_twins.jpg Your babies: never wear clothes more than once because after about an hour they are covered in vomit and diarrhea. Jennifer Lopez's babies: never wear clothes more than once because washing laundry is for poor people. Oh, and the other difference. While your kids' clothes come from the clearance rack at Old Navy (Baby Gap if it's a really special occasion), Max and Emme Anthony are only swathed in the finest European fabrics. Which then get turned into really luxurious rags, we're guessing. JLo's maids are so spoiled. According to The Mirror:
Even by Jennifer Lopez's extravagant standards, this takes some beating...

The actress apparently insists on dressing her five-month-old twins in new designer gear every day.

We're told: "Jennifer was approached by a charity and asked to donate some dresses for a celebrity auction. She agreed and donated a gorgeous £5,000 frock.

"She also offered some of Max and Emme's clothes, telling organisers that she never lets them 'repeat' outfits.

"But the auction deals only in adult clothes. Jennifer told them it was a shame, as some items cost over $1,000 (£500) each."
Curiously, Jennifer isn't so concerned when it comes to the little tykes' diapers, meticulously washing an re-using each one, even if she has to employ public sinks and Pink Panther-hued soap. What can we say, she's an environmentalist. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (2) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

July 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: The Fox and the Hound Camel

megan_fox_camel_toe.jpg• Megan Fox straps her camel toe into some stretch pants for a shopping excursion. (Faded Youth)

• And speaking of Megan Fox, her former(?) fiance Brian Austin Green denies the breakup rumors, says the couple are "solid". Solid as a rock? So nothing's changed it? And what you're saying is that the feeling's still hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hot? (PopCrunch)

• The first look at Jamie Lynn Spears's little baby, Maddie Briann. Maddie's next OK! cover: in thirteen years, when she marries cousin Sean Preston in a romantic toothless ceremony in Louisiana. (Dlisted)

• David Lee Roth choked on some nuts. (TMZ)

• Dane Cook is a shitty neighbor, literally. (Celebitchy)

• Robert Rodriguez traded his wife in for Rose McGowan, and is now trading Rose McGowan for Kat Dennings. Next up: he trades Kat Dennings for Abigail Breslin. (Defamer)

• Jennifer Lopez in a bikini. Post-twins, her abs are still flatter than yours, and her ass is still bigger than the sun. (Flisted)

• Lilo and SamRo ride the pink caterpillar at Disneyland. Ohhhh yeaaaaah. (Holy Taco)

• See Jaime Pressly in a bikini and you'll be nothin' but a horn dog. Eh? Yes? No? Bah. (IDLYITW)

• New Paris Hilton TV show in the works. And no, sadly, it's not a Fear Factor type show involving a rocket sending her to the surface of the moon to see how long she can hold her breath. (Hollywire)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

June 27, 2008

Jenny Lo Gets Sued

jennifer lopez and marc anthony hold hands and sing.jpg We love celebrity spin control. When someone is caught with a hooker or gets filmed donkey punching an old lady on a crowded street, there are always stories leaked by "inside sources" claiming that said celebrity is truly a great person, and the Starbucks barista must've put eighteen shots in their morning latte, because they would never do such a horrible thing. And then there's the eye-witness account from some bumpkin in Montana who personally saw said celebrity rescue a couple of dozen puppies from a burning building. So we say it's no coincidence that today there are two stories about Jennifer Lopez: 1) She's getting sued because her doggie bit a lady, and 2) She's a totally wonderful hands-on mom who doesn't even have nannies! She's amazing. First the legal stuff, from The New York Daily News:
A flight attendant claims Jennifer Lopez's guard dog chomped her leg on a plane trip two years ago, and now she wants to take a $5 million bite out of the singer's pocketbook. Lisa Wilson, 40, filed a suit in Brooklyn Federal Court Thursday, alleging the attack caused her to fall and suffer back injuries that prevent her from working anymore.

The dog-bites-woman tale began July, 3, 2006, when NetJets, a private airline company, assigned Wilson to work a flight taking J.Lo to Burbank Airport in California, the suit says.

Wilson says Lopez boarded a Gulfstream IV jet at Republic Airport in Farmingdale, L.I., with Floyd, a German shepherd described in the manifest as "a well-behaved guard dog."

Just in case, Wilson, of Mary Esther, Fla., says in the court papers, Lopez gave her some instructions on how to act around Floyd.

But the suit alleges that 90 minutes into the flight, Wilson walked past Floyd, and he responded by "attacking her and biting her pant leg."

In an attempt to get away, Wilson says she "twisted and fell," injuring her lower back so badly she had to undergo surgery last year and no longer can work - "at great economic loss."
But because owning a vicious dog who incapacitates a poor woman isn't good for the rep, MSNBC also brings us this story:
Us Weekly reports that the Lopez and Anthony might still be wrapping 4-month-old Max and Emme in $100 Melissa Masse blankets, but they’re doing so without the help of nannies. The magazine confirmed with Lopez’s rep that the couple is still without outside help, even while traveling abroad. A Lopez confidant also told Us, “The whole 75-pieces-of-Louis-Vuitton-luggage thing is just not happening now. … Being a mother has completely changed Jennifer.”

That’s a good thing: A source told Scoop that before the twins were born, Lopez had picked up a strange travel habit. “Not even the first-class lounge was good enough for her. She kept slipping into a door inside the lounge, so people thought it was like a special VIP area,” said a traveler who witnessed the behavior on many occasions.

“Turns out, it was just a storage closet. Give her credit for wanting to be left alone, but hiding in a storage closet? That's a little extreme.”
See, she's good people! She knows how to raise her children with only the help of an animated-skeleton husband and millions and millions of dollars. That's not easy, folks. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

June 24, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke

nicole_richie_flannel_barf.jpg• Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (The Blemish)

• Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)

• Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)

• Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)

• Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)

• Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)

• In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)

• Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)

• Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)

• Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

June 18, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: An Emmy's Just Like a Razzie, Right?

lohanpeeved.jpg• Lindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (Celebitchy)

• Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)

• Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)

• Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)

• Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)

• The many toups of Jeremy Piven. (Cityrag)

• Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (Seriously OMG WTF?!)

• Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)

• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (The Blemish)

• Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (Flisted)

• Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (WENN)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

May 13, 2008

Jennifer Lopez: Career Killer

ben affleck and jennifer lopez.jpg The video for "Jenny from the Block" was a lot of things. A pretty awesome jam. Where we learned that it takes hard work to cash checks. A good place to ogle Jennifer Lopez's ass and bare stomach. The downfall of Ben Affleck. Wait, what? Entertainmentwise reports:
Ben Affleck credits starring in then-fiancee Jennifer Lopez’s Jenny From The Block video with nearly ruining his career.

The actor – who began dating the Latina singer in 2002 – featured prominently in the promo, and at one point is seen rubbing sun tan lotion onto Lopez's bottom.

The couple's high-profile romance went on to provoke a tabloid backlash, culminating in the 2003 box office flop Gigli.

And the actor is now convinced that bringing his personal life into the spotlight was damaging to his career.

He says, "If I have a big regret, it was doing the music video. But that happened years ago. I've moved on."

But Affleck insists he isn't blaming Lopez for his career nosedive: "It not only makes me look like a petulant fool (to blame Lopez), but it surely qualifies as ungentlemanly? For the record, did she hurt my career? No."

The pair became engaged in 2002 but called off their relationship in 2003.
True, Ben Affleck's career had some high points before the video and some low points after it, but let's just take a look at some of Fleck's credits prior to "Jenny from the Block": Armageddon. Forces of Nature. Dogma. Reindeer Games. Bounce. Changing Lanes. Sure, J.Lo can shoulder some of the responsibility for Gigli and Jersey Girl and even Paycheck, but the rest were all you, old boy. Once a shitty-movie-maker always a shitty-movie-maker. Ain't no broad gonna change that. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (2) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

April 24, 2008

J.Lo Officially on Same Fame Level as Heidi Montag and Dina Lohan

jennifer lopez and marc anthony get jiggy.jpg Soon, on a television screen near you, you will witness the day-to-day lives of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony-Lopez as they do what rich people do. Not certain? Whether you will also witness Marc attempt to do what living, breathing, non-flesh-eating humans do. According to IMDB:
Jennifer Lopez has landed her very own reality TV show. Cameras will follow the singer as she launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her music and acting careers with motherhood. The Maid In Manhattan star, mother to two-month-old twins Max and Emme, will co-executive produce the show for U.S. cable channel TLC. She says, "I'm looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." TLC president, Angela Shapiro-Mathes, tells People.com, "Jennifer is unbelievably passionate about life and will be an incredible role model for our audience."
We have a feeling this will be a huge hit with the Wal-Mart crowd. They'll tune in every week while perched atop their Value City Furniture sofa eating a Budget Gourmet lasagna frozen meal and drinking 2-2-liters-for-$2 Diet Rite to watch Jenny Lo and her associates decide just which piece of ultra-rare Siberian penguin skin they should use to line the vanity drawers in the third guest bathroom. They won't be fooled by the rocks that she got. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (4) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

March 04, 2008

J. Lo's Babies Wish Us Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

jennifer_lopez_sleepy.jpgNew, first time mothers like to go all-out when it comes to easing their little angels into their first weeks of life. Lots of swaddling, the freshest breast milk, frequent diaper changes with liberally applied Desitin, and making sure the babies are clean and safe are all par for the course. Jennifer "I wipe with cashmere" Lopez is not your average new mother, and is reportedly taking her obsession with her dragon-befriending twins a hair too far. Reports our gossip supernanny, FemaleFirst:
The singer and husband Marc Anthony have reportedly ordered two Shetland ponies for son Max and daughter Emme, along with diamond-encrusted rattles, 600-count Egyptian cotton for the baby's cots and designer babygros for the nursery wing in her Los Angeles home.

A source said: "Jennifer has gone all-out to give the twins an amazing childhood. She hired a colour therapist to paint the nursery a beautiful aquamarine and light blue - colours which are supposed to have intelligence-boosting properties.

"She listened to classical music all through her pregnancy and is now having music piped through to the nursery to help relax the babies. She has hired a professional baby masseuse to come in once or twice a week."

The source added to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "She is also paranoid about hygiene. The twins' wing is totally sterile and all flowers and presents are stored in a separate area so they don't contaminate the babies' area. It may sound excessive but she only has her kids' best interests at heart and wants to give them the start in life she never had."
Good show, Jen. Good show indeed. When it comes to being a good mother, Bach, ponies, diamonds, and massages are the way to go. When we were infants, our Bristle Blocks were constructed of unsatisfactory plastic instead of Great Barrier Reef coral, our baby sheets were unsatisfactory 350 (gasp!) count cotton blend, and the only music piped into our nursery was Poco. And look how we turned out.
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (2) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

March 03, 2008

J. Lo's Baby Names Are Very Animated

jloack.jpgFor unto J. Lo two Childs is born, to she and unfrozen caveman mariachi a Son and Daughter is given; and the government shall be upon His and Her shoulder, and Their name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Befriender of Dragons, Teacher of Toddlers, animated PBS friends. The names of J. Lo and Marc Anthony's twins have allegedly be leaked. And they are, according to People:
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's newborn twins are named Max and Emme, Lopez's manager Simon Fields officially confirms to PEOPLE.
Which could be a reference to Christina Aguilera's new son, and the delightful plus-sized E! presenter, but is more likely an accidental(?) nod to the protagonists of the cartoon Dragon Tales. A star hasn't revealed her love for characters in a television series so blatantly since Pamela Anderson named her spawn after the brooding leading men of 90210.
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

February 22, 2008

Jennifer Lopez Begets Dos

jloskeletor.jpgHumbled diva Jennifer Lopez and her reanimated spouse Marc Anthony are finally parents (pictured at left: the babies' conception)! Well, J. Lo is finally a parent. Marc has like 5 other kids or something. But they're all old and worn-out and dumb, so who cares. Quoth the People:
It's double the baby joy for Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony: They're the proud new parents of twins, a boy and a girl, Lopez's manager tells PEOPLE exclusively.

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.

"Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon," Lopez's manager Simon Fields tells PEOPLE exclusively.
What is with the cloyingly precious trend of celebrities announcing pregnancies or births by stating they're "over the moon"? It's usually coupled with the equally vomity "BABY JOY!!!" via the tabloids. Listen, people, if you're going to steal a cutesy preggo term from the British media, at least let it be "she fell pregnant". That one is acceptable because it sounds like someone succumbing to a wasting disease of late eighteenth century London. "Alas, poor Edgar. He finally perished after suffering from the dropsy, consumption, and the grippe. So sad! And mere months after his wife fell pregnant and contracted milk leg and the quinsy. Tut tut!"
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

February 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Boozin' and Coozin'

britney_bday.jpg• More oddly smooth Britney mons pubis. We're starting to think that maybe those are flesh-toned undies. Foiled! (Faded Youth)

• But she still can't see her chitlins. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• The bottle came between Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst. The bottle, and her baby vampire fangs. (Yeeeah!)

• Denise Richards says that exploiting her children in a reality show is fine, because they said yes when she asked them if they wanted to be on TV. They're two and three. If you asked them if they wanted to have live jellyfish sewn to their faces, they'd say "Yaaaay!" (I'm Not Obsessed)

• J. Lo has checked in to the hospital! She will now proceed to birth a child from each of her buns. (PopCrunch)

• Hilary's Duff, in a bikini. (Egotastic)

• The Heidi Klum-Seal family, in a traveling version of Cats. (Derek Hail)

• Megan Fox Jacks it. (Fatback)

• Alba pulls a Lindsay and recreates old junk in photos. Only without the boobs, natch. (The Blemish)

• OMG, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden actually left the house! They're such horrible parents! Alert DCFS! (Celeb Warship)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

February 19, 2008

J.Lo to Bank $3 Mil Per Snoob Sucker

jennifer lopez and marc anthony sing together.jpg We're going to be frank with you, readers: not being famous totally sucks a big fat wiener. We're sick of it. We don't get anything for free, we don't have even one perfume named after us, and if we pooped out a baby or two not even our grandparents would pay us for exclusive rights to the first baby photos. It's not fair, we tell ya. We want to get paid $6 million to have pretty pictures taken of us with a couple of infants. We might even be able to stomach being married to Marc Anthony for perks like that. MSNBC dishes on the little bundles of (monetary) joy about to pass through Jennifer Lopez's ham hole:
How much is too much to pay for baby photos? That’s the many-million-dollar question, and it’s being asked now more than ever as the end of Jennifer Lopez’ pregnancy grows near.

Although magazines make it a rule to not disclose the final numbers, People magazine reportedly shelled out $6 million for the first crack at photos of J.Lo’s twins, but that deal only accounts for rights to publish the pics in the United States.

OK! magazine has also struck an exclusive deal for photos of the Lopez/Anthony babies. Their pics will run in OK!’s 15 international editions, the magazine confirms. “It is fantastic for those markets, and especially important with the immense strength the exclusive will bring to the new launch of OK! Spain,” said a spokesperson for the magazine. The Spain edition launches March 26. (Which begs the question: Is J.Lo not due for another month?)

So why pass on the rights to publish the photos here in the United States? One magazine industry insider said that frankly, Lopez’ appeal in the U.S. isn’t as broad as many people — including Lopez — would like to think.

“Look at her track record with her movies, and look at her album sales. The U.S. market hasn’t been fascinated with her in some time,” the insider explained. “It makes more sense to not spend a fortune on photos that won’t cause a noticeable increase on the newsstand. This just isn’t going to sell like Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt), and $6 million is a lot of money.”

Another magazine insider says that the OK! approach is noteworthy. “There’s a real difference between U.S. appeal and international appeal, and most celebrities don’t really understand that.”
We think OK! has this whole thing wrong. J.Lo's tots shouldn't be compared to the divine human perfection embodied by Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but rather the intense curiosity surrounding the birth of Suri Cruise. We eagerly awaited Suri's first pictures, wondering just what a human/robot/alien hybrid would look like. Likewise will we anticipate the birth of the Lopez-Anthony babies, wondering what characteristics human/corpse/zombie children will possess.
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

February 14, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Stealin' Babies and Batteries

britney adnan.jpg• Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib, married? Married? Yeah, married. Married? Yeah, married! Sheesh! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Miley Cyrus publicly apologizes for not wearing her seat belt. No seat belt is a slippery slope that leads headlong into Crotchflashtown and San Rehabton. (IMDb)

• Emma "Hermione" Watson gets slimed by Kirsten Dunst's leftovers. (The Sun)

• Bai Ling arrested for hamburglaring some gossip rags and a pack of batteries from an airport gift shop. Maybe she wanted to power up her G-spotter to use while gazing at herself in the fashion "What Were They Thinking?" section. (Celebitchy)

• Oh, shut your tamalehole, J. Lo. Nobody wants to steal your dumb old crusty old babies. (The Blemish)

• The Madamism of Hollywood. Waylon Flowers would be delighted. (Cityrag)

• Say what you will about Kim Kardashian, that sitter of hers is A number one. (HolyTaco)

• Amy Winehouse upgrades to Blake v. 2.0: all the creepiness none of the jail. Now with Magic-Gro Hair! (The Superficial)

• Aguilera debuts her infink. (Daily Stab)

• Kristen Bell gets rung! (Don't Link This)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

February 08, 2008

J.Lo Really Looking Forward To Birth Publicity

jennifer lopez marc anthony unicef pregnant.jpg We really thought we wouldn't see Jennifer Lopez until she'd farted out her tots, passed them on to a nanny, and spent three straight months on a treadmill, and then it would be with a glowing, beautifully lit ten-page spread in OK! of her and Skeletor and the twins gushing about how rewarding motherhood is and how she's spent the three months since her birth pureeing peas and carrots in the Cuisinart and learning how to clean up spittle, for which she would be paid more than the final take of El Cantante. But instead she's parading her hugely inflated gut all over New York, making for some prime photo ops like these:


jennifer lopez unicef pregnant.jpg jennifer lopez unicef prenant 2.jpg
Plus, JennyLo wants that OK! scratch so bad, she banking on her little ones' birthday falling before deadline time. Reports MSNBC:
If all goes according to plan, Jennifer Lopez will be receiving two special valentines: namely, her twin babies, who are due on Thursday, Feb. 14.

While this date has been bandied about before, a source close to Lopez said Valentine’s Day is the date she’s been focused on since the beginning of her pregnancy. “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but she also was happy that it ... would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source said that Lopez would love it if she was able to have the first photo shoot take place in one of the three nurseries she’s had designed by Petit Tresor. “She spent over $120,000 on them (the nurseries),” said the source.

There’s no overall theme to the nurseries, but all of them include cribs, changing tables and armoires imported from France and England and “some of it has 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

The twins, who are rumored to be named Anna Maria and Marc Ruiz, will be sharing a room, at least at first.
Anna Maria and Marc Ruiz do not sound like names J.Lo would choose for her children. They're just so ordinary. And they don't help her sell a goddamn thing. We're guessing she'll name them after her upcoming film projects, Love and Other Impossible Pursuits and The Governess. They both pair so beautifully with Anthony.
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

February 06, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: The P Word

paris_hilton_pink_wonk.jpg• Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (FemaleFirst)

• And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)

• The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)

• Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)

• Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)

• Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)

• Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)

• Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)

• J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)

• Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)

• Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

January 30, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: "Stinkin'. S-T-I-N-K-I-N."

uma_thurman_bikini.jpg• Uma Uma Uma mow mow ma ma Uma mow mow. In a bikini. (Though, going by the cast on her arm, these may be old, mow mow) (Hollywood Tuna)

• Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Hudson says that Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (Yeeeah!)

• Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (IMDb)

• J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (Daily Stab)

• Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (Celeb Parasite)

• In the midst of a family intervention, Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (GlossLip)

• Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (Holy Taco)
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

January 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Ambrosio of the Gods

alessandra-ambrosio-bikini-1-06.jpg • Model Alessanda Ambrosio is out Victoria's Secret undies. Yayyy! And into a bikini. Boooo. No, wait. Yay. (Egotastic!)

• "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)

• We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)

• Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)

• Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)

• Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)

• Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)

• Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

January 08, 2008

Jenny from the Sty

mariah_air_quotes.jpgPoor Jennifer Lopez, her twin-riddled gut growing to previously unchartered proportions, will be none to pleased to hear what our personal God, Mariah Carey, has said about her. Apparently, Inside Hollywood asked Mimi if she would ever be interested in performing a duet with Lopez, and Mariah gleefully spat back:
"I'd rather be on stage with a pig! A duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just ain't gonna happen."
Actually, having Mariah onstage with a pig would be pretty charming, like a much more glittery and fabulous version of Charlotte's Web. Mimi can be a latter-day Fern, in pigtails and a halter top exposing her spray-on abs, while J. Lo ruts around in a pen in the corner under a large, blinged-out spiderweb that intermittently spells out stuff like "SOME HARPY" and "RADIANT CRONE".
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

December 18, 2007

Jennifer Lopez To Take Fat Face into Hiding

jennifer lopez pregnant onstage marc anthony.jpg Before, Jennifer Lopez was all, "Waaaah! I want a baby! Feel sorry for me. My corpse husband gave bambinos to some other chica and won't give them to me. Waaaah!" And then she finally got some working semen in her uterus and she's not happy with that either. Now she's all, "Waaaah! I'm fat. Don't look at me! I'm a monster! (Which reminds me, my movie Monster-in-Law makes the perfect holiday gift.) My face is bloated. Waaaah!" MSNBC reports:
Jennifer Lopez might be thrilled that she’s pregnant, but according to some sources she’s “freaked out” over gaining weight.

“She is huge and freaking out. Her face has become really puffy from retaining a lot of water,” a source told international press.

The weight gain is enough to prompt Lopez to put her career on hold until her little one makes an appearance.

“She plans to do a Victoria Beckham now and hibernate for the last few months. You won’t be seeing much of her in public from now on.” After a months-long bump watch, Lopez announced her pregnancy in November. She’s due in the spring. Lopez’s rep weighs in saying, “This is ridiculous and untrue. She is happy and healthy.”
God, woman, make up your mind. Do you want the babies or do you want the hot body? Because you can't have both. You're not Heidi Klum.
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

December 11, 2007

Jennifer Lopez Is Fetal Overachiever, Birthing Twins

jennifer lopez marc anthony extra arm.jpg Jennifer Lopez is sick and tired of these little gringas thinking that they're better than her just because they can sing and dance and sell records and whatnot. She just accomplished the biggest feat that a woman nearing forty can accomplish: She got knocked up! And by a skeleton/corpse/zombie hybrid no less! That's really something. So none of those little tarts can touch her. And to prove that she's better than all of them, she's having twins. That's two babies at once, people! It's hard. And don't you think about trying it, Christina Aguilera, because if you do JLo will concentrate really, really hard and grow a third baby in her lady gut. Sure it might come out a little runty, with only half the gestation time of the other babies, but she'll love it just the same. It'll look just like its daddy! Oh, and it will be swathed in cashmere. Rush & Molloy report:
Jennifer Lopez is leaving no doubt she's expecting boy and girl twins — and that they will grow up in the sort of luxury befitting royals. In fact, the 38-year-old mama-to-be bought pink and blue onesies: one monogrammed "princess," the other, "prince."

Both son and daughter will get equal comfort by the looks of the gifts she's requested on her top-secret gift registry at Petit Tresor, the exclusive L.A. baby boutique.

It's not known whether pals and business types who want to curry her favor will spring for both babies or one, because what mama wants is pricey.

There's the $349 cashmere outfit, one in pink stripes, one in blue, from Baby CZ.

There are two Moses baskets for $225 each, though there are Smushy teddy bears with pink or blue ribbons for $65.

If you really want to get on the diva's good side, pick out the Balmoral enameled black carriage for a mere $3,495.

There's one $289 suede play mat. Guess they'll have to share.

The cheapest item is the Adiri Natural Nurser at $22. Lopez wants 10 of those.

There's also a $560 jogging stroller for two. It's not known whether we should expect to see J.Lo or her nannies trotting around with the infants.

She's also requested not one but two double Peg Perego strollers for $429 — one in toffee, and one in mint. Don't speculate that she might even be expecting quadruplets; she's tricoastal.

Lopez, who Fortune called the richest woman under 40 in America, isn't leaving all the spending up to her pals, who have until February to save up for the gift(s).

She's having the tastemakers at Petit Tresor design three nurseries for the teeny totlets at the couple's estates in Bel Air, Fisher Island, and Oyster Bay, says a friend. Lopez is spending $40,000 to outfit each nest, the pal adds, including gilded cribs. "She wants them filled with the most chic furniture from Europe and embroidered linens from France." In pink and blue, natch.

Petit Tresor co-owner Samantha Winch would say only: "We don't talk about any of our clients."
Did we miss something somewhere? The richest woman under 40 in America? Where exactly is Jenny Lo getting all of her money? Her movies go directly to video, she's only toured ONCE in her entire career, her albums don't seem to sell at all anymore. Is it because we're not keyed in to the Latino community, so we just don't see how adored she is? When she visits a Puerto Rican neighborhood do the inhabitants carry her around in an elevated throne and throw bundles of $20 bills at her feet? Does SoundScan not count sales at Julio's House of Salsa? more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

November 08, 2007

J. Lo Admits It

jlo_skeletor.jpgHot on the heels of Christina Aguilera finally manning up to the fact that there is a being all up in her pelvis, Jennifer Lopez is conceding. She fought the good fight, but she simply couldn't hold out any longer and admits insemination. The announcement came on the last night of her tour with husband/unfrozen caveman troubadour Marc Anthony:



The video is horrifying. Watch in terror as J. Lo and her he-concubine take the stage, beaming down on their yelping minions. For one excruciating minute they stand there, like a Puerto Rican Eva Peron and her lapdog. Instead of opening her mouth and imploring her serfs to cease crying for her, she instead beamingly admits that she let the corpse next to her ejaculate inside of her. Her disciples erupt into a deafening howl of victory. Unto them a king shall be borned! Pay particularly close attention to the plaintive wails of the woman holding the camera. J. Lo's pregnancy announcement has made her life, and it's chilling. Congratulations, Lopez, you crazy fucking Creme de la Mer-coated harridan. Tiny Balenciaga onesies and emerald-encrusted pacifiers await. Excelsior! more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 31, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: When the Zubas Come Off

mug shot amy fisher.jpg• Make way for the Amy Fisher sex tape. Wonder if she gets fuoco'ed in the butta? (PopCrunch)

• Bai Ling in her natural state in Photographie magazine; i.e., nips out. (Nudography)

• Hot holy shit on a cracked pepper cracker, is Angelina Jolie growing Infant Superbeauty El Gorgeoso Baby Part II in her womb part? (Derek Hail)

• Well, Jennifer Lopez sure is, says her costume designer. (GlossLip)

• Lindsay Lohan will not be hosting a large, alcohol and drug-soaked party in Las Vegas. Well, shit. Now how are we supposed to ring in 2008? (Yeeeah!)

• Sienna Miller continues the true hippie spirit of free love and no bras. (The Blemish)

• God bless America. My bone, sweeeeeet booooonnnnne. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------
<