CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Jennifer Garner
September 10, 2008
A Bunch of People Who Have Too Much Damn Money
Most people go to the office, work super hard while their bosses are out playing golf, and instead of heaps of credit and a corner office and huge pay raises they get an FTD teddy bear bouquet as a Christmas bonus. But movie stars aren't like most people. They make a decent flick or two then it's off to A-list land, where no paycheck has fewer than seven zeros and nobody cares if you actually do good work as long as your famous name appears above the title. This is how movie stars get to foist piles of dog shit at the public, call them "blockbusters", and get paid at least 20 mil for the effort. But there are a few stars that the rich man's periodical Forbes thinks need to start earning minimum wage to learn a lesson or two.1. Nicole Kidman
2. Jennifer Garner
3. Tom Cruise
4. Cameron Diaz
5. Jennifer Lopez
6. Jim Carrey
7. Nicolas Cage
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Will Ferrell
10. Cate Blanchett
Moist of these we understand; what a bunch of turkeys these hacks have turned out (besides the lovely, talented, irreplaceable, poured-from-porcelain Cate Blanchett, of course). But Cameron Diaz? She is worth every single shiny penny. Did you see What Happens in Vegas? That film was a touching tale of how to find love through humility that spoke to every single human being with a beating heart. And you just can't put a price on meaning like that.
comments (0)
send to a friend
July 18, 2008
Jennifer Garner Incubating Another Spawn
It seems that the press has had their fingers crossed that Jennifer Garner had another Fleck in her baby maker pretty much since little Violet was crowning. Well, it looks like they've finally got their wish, as Jen is reportedly all full o' fetus once again. Reports Us Weekly: Jennifer Garner and husband Ben Affleck are expecting another baby, Garners former Alias co-star Victor Garber confirms to Usmagazine.com.That Garber sure does have a big mouth. We're sure that right after he spilled the beans he said, "See, I'm worth talking to, Mr. Reporterman. I know famous people. They tell me secrets. And I'll tell you everything, if you watch my show, Eli Stone. Katie Holmes is going to be on it. She's famous. And Jonny Lee Miller! He was married to Angelina Jolie. She's famous too! Do you want to know about her babies? Because I know. I'm hip." more »
"Yes, she is," Garber, who currently stars on ABC's Eli Stone, told Us in a taped interview when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
(Garber officiated the couple's 2005 wedding.)
A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."
Garner, 36, and Affleck, 35, are parents to two-year-old daughter Violet - one of Us' Babies of the Year.
February 25, 2008
Jennifer Garner Survives Harrowing Busey Attack
Gary Busey is like a dildo secreted away inside a Jello salad at a family reunion: unexpected and fun for everyone! During an interminably long red carpet session prior to last night's Oscar ceremony, the pink-hued mega-star showed up, inexplicably, to zazz up the night with his inimitable grace. Inimitable grace, tombstone teeth, and a sexual assault upon Jennifer Garner's person.
January 16, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Leg-Spreading and Fetus-Getting
Cleava Mendes. (Drunken Stepfather) "Dear Brad Renfro. We came over to fuck you but you were dead. Love, Tiffany and Amber." Rest in peace, Brad. (Fatback and Collards)
We want to "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!", honestly we do, but we just can't when she keeps flipping us her outer labes. (Taxi Driver)
Jenna Jameson swears that she will "never spread her legs" for the porn industry again. She will spread Philadelphia's whipped strawberry cream cheese, though. It's the wonderfully spreadable, sweetly fruity topping with only 60 calories per serving! (IDLYITW)
Alessandra Ambrosio caught Pregnant, too. (The Blemish)
Zac Efron was rushed to the emergency room for an emergency highlighting. Those buttery chunks ain't gonna streak themselves. (Derek Hail)
Lumps on Halle Berry's torso: now there are three. (Daily Stab)
"Now that bulbs flashing more than ever/You can see under my dress, fellas. Ellas. Ellas. Ay. Ay." (Cityrag)
Jennifer Garner may have been the original target of Tom's Cruise missile of love. (Superficial)
September 10, 2007
2007 VMAs = Very Mundane Awards
So the VMAs were last night. And in between stifled yawns and many, many glasses of Arbor Mist (it's like juice--but with booze!), we made a few observations. First, Beyoncι's boobs are really jiggly. Sarah Silverman is still not funny just because she's mean (AND she has now made us feel sympathy for Paris Hilton TWICE, and for that she must pay). We are old and completely out of touch and have no idea who this Chris Brown fellow is, but boy can dance (though he can't lip sync worth a damn). Kid Rock and Tommy Lee need to chill the fuck out; we're sure Pammy would still screw them both so there's no need to fight over who gets the privilege. Some people were walking around with little silver statues, but we're not sure why; maybe they were cool new accessories, like Kanye West's sunglasses. Dr. Dre looked like he shopped for his awards-show duds in the closet of either Hans or Franz. Rihanna's dress was really, really tight and her hair was inexplicably awesome.
Paris Hilton's dress was really, really tight and her hair was explicably horrendous--but still a lovely tribute to Florence Henderson.
The part of Jennifer Garner was filled by her Madame Tussaud's wax figure--and had really awful hair.
And we feel like there was something else we were going to mention. God. What was it? There is nothing left in our head concerning last night's awards ceremony. Did something else happen? We just can't remember.
more »
August 31, 2007
Don't Touch Jennifer Garner's Boobies
Jennifer Garner doesn't care if you punch her in the face, scratch up her skin, or pull her hair, just don't touch her boobs. Those things are sacred. Our gossip sensei, FemaleFirst, says: Jennifer Garner banned co-stars from going near her boobs during fight scenes in her latest movie.We know that Jennifer is a bona fide action star, but it's been a long time since Alias, a time filled with Affleckian delights and many, many afternoons in the park. So there two possibilities regarding Jen's innate ass-kicking urges: she's been bottling up every thirst she had for onscreen violence, knowing that in time she would be cast opposite Jamie Foxx and could get sweet, sweet revenge for the annoyingness of his repeated Ray acceptance speeches, or Jen and the Fleck have a seriously hot sex life.
The 'Alias' star - who was breastfeeding daughter Violet at the time of filming - revealed she got beaten up for real on the set of 'The Kingdom', but her breasts were off limits.
Jennifer told People magazine: "It was so down and dirty that I had scratch marks that we had to cover up on my face for the next few days.
"But the guy I was fighting had to stay away from my boobs because I was breastfeeding. That was the one sacred thing. He could go for my head, pull my hair, just not the boobs.
"I gave as good as I got, I even bit his ear. It was great!"
The '13 Going On 30' star also revealed her husband Ben Affleck was not at all concerned when he came to the set to watch her in the violent fight scenes.
She said: "He was just like 'Go, go for it, babe! Harder!' I thought it would have made him a little bit nervous to see people chucking me against the wall, harder and harder with every take."
July 25, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Did Not Do Drugs They're Not Mine"
Lindsay tells Billy Bush, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine." Well, technically the drugs they found weren't "done" yet because they were in her pocket. So . . . yeah! Innocent! (TMZ) Lily Allen does not suffer Courtney Loves gladly. (Celeb Warship)
Eva Mendes sends Jane mag off to the glue factory with a hearty strippin'. (Cityrag)
Penelope Cruz in shocking eyelash controversy! (Celebitchy)
Kim Kardashian to bring her bustle-like humpback heinie to Playboy? (Derek Hail)
When Hilary Duff was a baby, her mom spiked her like a football. Over and over. (Hollywood Grind)
Jennifer Garner rocks a lacy 1998 momthong. (Taxi Driver)
What's longer: Rihanna's legs or her forehead? The world may never know. (Drunken Stepfather)
July 06, 2007
Jennifer Garner Proves Emptiness of Uterus with Teeny Bikini
It seems that in her down time, when she's not having a grand old time being the happiest Norman Rockwell painting come to life, Jennifer Garner is a fan of gossip blogs. Sure, her tiny little bikini can be explained by the fact that she's on vacation in Hawaii, but she's been there for weeks it seems, and this is the first time we've seen her in beach attire. No, last week Jen read everyone's harsh words about the possibility of Fleck semen fermenting in her lady innards and decided to teach them a lesson (but not us; Jen's knows we've been on her side all along). In the picture at the left there she's saying, "So you think I'm pulling this wet suit thingy away from my belly to hide my growing fetus, do ya? Well, I'll show you."
And in this one she's obviously saying, "Take that, bitches. I just came from kicking Fabio's ass in a tight abs contest. Why else did you think I was in Hawaii? My beautifully pale ass obviously doesn't like the sun." more »
June 28, 2007
A Public Service Announcement
This is a picture of Jennifer Garner. She has a boyish body and very small breasts, which sometimes make her stomach more prominent. Sometimes she wears shirts that are tight and you can see the contour of her stomach beneath the fabric. For those of you who have never seen the naked body of a female, they usually do not look anything like Gwen Stefani, with a stomach as flat as a dining room table. Sometimes they eat things, and those things then go into a large receptacle in the body that is capable of expanding to hold many, many hot dogs and beers and barbecue potato chips. Also, Jennifer Garner sometimes wears shirts that do not cling to her belly. Maybe she's bloated, or maybe she just doesn't feel like dealing with adjusting a tight garment every five minutes. Neither of these fashion choices mean that she is carrying a Fleck fetus. Also, we're pretty sure that whatever is underneath that tank top feels remarkably similar to a brick wall, and bellies full o' babies don't usually feel like that, unless you are maybe Hulk Hogan's mom. Thank you for your time.
April 18, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Sexy in Kindergarten
Cameron Diaz has tiny nipples atop her tiny breasts underneath a tiny shirt. No tiny bra in sight. (Drunken Stepfather Jennifer Garner may have allowed Ben Affleck to ejaculate into her vaginal canal during ovulation again. (FemaleFirst)
Angelina got more ass between juice breaks in kindergarten than you're getting now. (Bricks and Stones)
Victoria Beckham is aging like a fine wine--kinda sourly. (Hollywood Tuna)
The Lohan says that she is the protector of the family. She protects them by horfing rails. (A Socialite's Life)
The people of India are angry at Richard Gere after he kissed Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty in public. Hey, they were lucky he didn't greet her by pantsing her and cramming a shaved hamster up her can. (IMDb)
Jessica Alba, caught making out with a real dog. (MollyGood)
Sabrina the Teenage Ass Crack. (Taxi Driver)
Heather Mills fall down go boom! (Yeeeah!)
John Travolta equates his level of fame to that of Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. Um, try Marilu Henner or John Ratzenberger. (The Blemish)
Paris is scared that jail time will ruin her career. Her career consists of showing up to parties thrown by beverage companies, so we're pretty sure she'll be fine. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
Larry Birkhead cuddles his $weet little $ugarpie. (TMZ)
April 12, 2007
Jennifer Garner Rolls It, Pats It, Marks It with a "B"
Remember when Jennifer Garner was on that show called Hot Buff Broad in Wigs or whatever it was? Then she got 'Flecked. His semen was like meth in that it drained the user of her youthful bloom. She began favoring jeans labeled "relaxed-seat Riders" and appeared in public with Zwieback-tinged spit-up on her sleeves. Sure, she looked happy, but we are Americans, and when it comes to attractiveness, we will choose "painful, tight smile covering up hunger pangs and tooth-whitening sting" over "relaxed cheerful mom" any old day of the week. But it appears that Jen might just be ready to settle back into minx mode. A shopgirl at a Vancouver lingerie shop recently assisted the dimple-faced star and squealed to the National Enquirer:
"Jennifer came in and bought a collection of sexy little numbers including two black bustiers. She pointed to her breasts and giggled as she told the sales girl, 'I wanted to take advantage of my baby biscuits while I've still got them!' "Whoo hoo. The babe is back! Just picturing a baby opening up a KFC combo meal to bite into a big buttery mouthful of Jennifer Garner's Affleck-buttered breasts is enough to make any red-blooded male flushed with arousal. Down, boys. Or something. more »
December 05, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Chokin' 9 to 5
Rip Torn got ripped. And then he drove. And then he got arrested. And became the subject of the foxiest mug shot since Nick Nolte's.
Sophie Marceau showing nipples is much more interesting than Marcel Marceau . . . miming . . . nipples. Or something.
Scarlett Johansson is not opposed to doing nudity. What a coincidence! We are also not opposed to Scarlett Johansson doing nudity.
Jessica Simpson choked on the words to "9 to 5" during the Kennedy Center Honors. Afterwards, Violet, Judy, and Doralee got back at her by replacing her Skinny and Sweet with rat poison.
Even unapologetic porn stars don't want to be associated with K-Fed's dong.
Will Beyoncι become Mrs. J-Hova next weekend?
Pete Doherty, drugs, court, etc. Move to England! The streets are paved with scag and syringes and the people all drink tea laced with ecstasy and even if you get arrested, the powderedly bewigged court dudes just give you a hug and bullet of coke and send you on your way.
Jennifer Garner's body fucking sucks.
Once again, PageSix spins the labyrinthine web of confusion that is their truly inpenetrable blind items. Who can it beeee now?
Sophie Marceau showing nipples is much more interesting than Marcel Marceau . . . miming . . . nipples. Or something.
Scarlett Johansson is not opposed to doing nudity. What a coincidence! We are also not opposed to Scarlett Johansson doing nudity.
Jessica Simpson choked on the words to "9 to 5" during the Kennedy Center Honors. Afterwards, Violet, Judy, and Doralee got back at her by replacing her Skinny and Sweet with rat poison.
Even unapologetic porn stars don't want to be associated with K-Fed's dong.
Will Beyoncι become Mrs. J-Hova next weekend?
Pete Doherty, drugs, court, etc. Move to England! The streets are paved with scag and syringes and the people all drink tea laced with ecstasy and even if you get arrested, the powderedly bewigged court dudes just give you a hug and bullet of coke and send you on your way.
Jennifer Garner's body fucking sucks.
Once again, PageSix spins the labyrinthine web of confusion that is their truly inpenetrable blind items. Who can it beeee now?
December 02, 2005
Baby Affleck Is Here! Baby Affleck Is Here!
Jennifer Garner, who has seriously been pregnant for over two years, finally belched that wee babe out of her Fleck-tainted womb yesterday. It's a girl, and they have reportedly named her Violet Affleck. Violent Affect. Violate Afflack. Violin Affluence. Silent Chaffsex. Pilates Calf-flex. more »
November 30, 2005
Daredevil and Elektra Say, "Drink Your Buckies!"
Jennifer Garner is still all kinds of full of baby, even though it seems she's been pregnant since the Carter administration. Our money was on the tyke popping out at the Thanksgiving table. "It's coming right now, there's no time for an ambulance! Just throw the turkey on the floor and splay her out on the dining room table. The pumpkin pie will make a nice pillow." It just sounds like a Ben Affleck movie, doesn't it? But at this point the kid has been in there so long maybe it can hang on until Christmas and our prophecy can still be fulfilled. In the meantime we'll tell you about Jen and Ben actually getting paid to carry around those venti caramel-mint-mocha-toothacheacinos you pay $4.95 for. more »
October 24, 2005
Garner Gives Vintage Nip
We prefer to remember Jennifer Garner as she once was. A fresh-faced, innocent young upstart, flat of abdomen and unsullied by the also-ran stench of Fleck. For our Monday morning nip slip, we travel back to a simpler time. more »
September 29, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Bared Boobies N' Big Bellies
The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.
Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!
Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.
Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.
Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.
Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.
Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.
Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!
Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.
Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.
Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.
Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.
Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.
August 31, 2005
Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Jen Garner's Biscuits
Jennifer Garner's revealed that the bun in her oven is best topped off with two piping hot "biscuits". And we'd like to offer her a little butter for them. How delightfully crass! more »
July 28, 2005
J. Lo Gets Depressed, Damns Gods of Fertility
Jennifer is sad. And for once were not talking about Jennifer Aniston. Rather Jennifer Lopez got bummed the fuck out when a reporter for Elle magazine asked her about Ben Afflecks new marriage and incubating spawn. more »
July 01, 2005
Garner and Affleck Become One
Bennifer II is now official! Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have been joined together in connubial bliss. They were married Wednesday on a beach on the Turks and Caicos island. Goddammit, another celebrity wedding outsourced to an exotic foreign locale. The American wedding industry has taken such a huge hit this year that John Cougar Mellencamp is organizing a benefit concert as we speak. Rain on the scarecrow, blood on the aisle? more »
May 09, 2005
Welcome to the World, Baby GarFleck!
It's (sort of) official: Jennifer Garner is carrying a big ol' hunk of Ben Affleck's love seed. Commence with the shotgun wedding and the Star polls asking readers to decide whether the offspring should be named Bubba or Daredevil. more »
May 03, 2005
Seed of Affleck Rears Ugly Head Again
Hey, remember when everyone (including ourselves) was flappin' gums about Jennifer Garner possibly gestating the Spawn of Fleck? Neither do we. Because it was boring. And then Britney got knocked up, and Demi, and then Brad/Jen/Angelina happened, and then Paris was hacked, and . . . well, we just plum forgot. But now Jennifer is starting to show, or, as Star would say, "sporting a baby bump". Ooooh? Or . . . something? more »
April 18, 2005
Affleck to Make an Honest Woman of Garner. Maybe. Maybe Not.
It's been reported that Ben Affleck maybe, sort of, probably, most likely proposed to Jennifer Garner yesterday. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . Oops, sorry. Did we just fall asleep? more »
February 04, 2005
Garner's Identity Crisis
It used to be that when an actor became bored with their career they would experiment with directing or producing--or put out a hilariously bad album. That's how the world was blessed with such gems as Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" and Don Johnson's "Heartbeat". These days celebs are tending to veer toward more normal, out-of-the-spotlight side careers. Keira Knightley wants to be a bricklayer, Mary-Kate Olsen wants to be a photographer, and now Jennifer Garner wants to be . . . well, something. She can't quite decide. more »
February 01, 2005
Jennifer Garner Longs for Ugliness
Celebrities really have a hard time. They generally hide it well behind their veneered teeth and their Botoxed brows, but underneath they are seething, ready to crack at the first mention of their spreading thighs, their shrinking breasts, their receding hairlines. Jennifer Garner, for one, is not going to take it anymore. She's fed up, dammit, and she doesn't care if the whole world knows it. Stop looking at her and let her be ugly for once. Have some compassion, people. more »
January 10, 2005
Jennifer Garner's E-lez-tra Complex
What's the best way to deflect unwanted attention when one is suffering from a viral infection/nerve damage while simultaneously, the eyes of the world are glued to one's abdomen, in hungry search of signs of Affleck implantation? Wise sage Jennifer Garner knows the age-old answer: LESBO KISS. more »
December 16, 2004
Jen Garner: With Child, or Just Fat
Could Bennifer Part Two be expecting a baby? Star seems to think so. Jennifer Garner has been spotted multiple times recently trying to cover up what might be a baby "bump". The Alias star seems to have filled out around the stomach and hips, typical for expecting mothers, and has been trying to cover it with such clever disguises as extra-long scarves. All that spy work seems to have taught her a trick or two. more »
|