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John Mayer has been known to stick his wick into some pretty strange places (Papa Joe knows what we're talking about), so maybe there's justification in Jennifer Aniston thinking that Kimberly Stewart can trick John into throwing her a bone. Maybe. According to The Mirror, Jen had Kim's ass booted from one of Johnboy's gigs:
When you're as unlucky in love as Jennifer Aniston, the last thing you want is some flirty young blonde chasing after your bloke.
So it's no wonder the Friends star sent Kimberly Stewart packing when she tried to sneak backstage at John Mayer's recent gig.
But it took dim Kim some time to get the message - she got kicked out TWICE.
John clearly has a bit of history with the model as all hell broke loose when clingy Jen spotted 28-year-old Kim backstage while John was warming up for Sunday's Hard Rock Calling gig in London's Hyde Park.
Ever the gent, John tried to defuse the situation by getting his security to boot out Kim.
And as the bouncers chased after Kim, Jen, 39, eyeballed her rival to warn her off John.
Our spy says: "Jennifer spotted Kimberly and asked John what she was doing there.
"John and Kim know each other from clubbing in LA, but Jennifer doesn't want anyone around who reminds her that he used to be a player.
"She has fallen head over heels for John, but she's scared it will all go wrong again.
"Another woman stole her man before when Angelina Jolie started dating Brad Pitt - she couldn't bear it to happen again."
But Kim wasn't giving up without a fight...
Ten minutes after being told to leave, she was on the side of the stage, waving at John and cheekily catching Jennifer's eye while she was taking photos of her fella.
We hear: "She had been told twice by security that she would be removed but she stood there bold as brass.
"Jennifer was on the opposite side of the stage and John felt like piggy-in-the-middle.
"He saw the tension and told his bouncers to get rid of her at all costs.
"Kim was pulled off the stage and escorted through the Hard Rock VIP tent with a face like thunder, shouting: 'Why doesn't he want me here? Is this because of her?' "She totally embarrassed herself, but Jen looked relieved."
Somehow we can't see these ladies being best Friends anytime soon...
We understand Jennifer Aniston's desire to not be in the same room as Kimberly Stewart, even if that room is filled with two thousand other people. Kim was once friends with Paris Hilton, so you never know what sort of toxins she emits into the air, and Jen likes to keep her lungs pure. But feeling threatened that Kim will steal her boyfriend? Obviously Jen was powerless to fight the force of Angelina Jolie, as she crushes all libidos in her wake and turns men to quivering puddles of jizz, but Kimbo Stewart? That's like being worried that Amy Winehouse is going to steal your refrigerator full of nutritious fruits and vegetables. more »
Sexy Jennifer in a movie: there can be only one. Woe unto to those other Jennifers who encroach on her cinematic territory with their shiny hair and taut thighs! According to Life & Style, via Celebitchy, Jennifer Aniston barred costar Jennifer Connelly from a recent mag cover shoot.
Connelly… will not be included in an upcoming cover shoot for Marie Claire magazine that will feature Aniston… and her other co-stars from the October comedy, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin. “Word is, Aniston threatened to pull out if Jennifer was part of the cover,” says an insider familiar with the movie’s shoot. “It was all about getting Jennifer Aniston front and center and looking as sexy as possible.”
So what’s Jen’s beef with [Connelly]? While Aniston’s rep denies that there’s any discord between the actresses, they just didn’t hit it off, says the insider: “There was no camaraderie between those two whatsoever. They didn’t seem like friends in the slightest.”
Aw, look, the wicked stepmother won't let Cinderella come to the ball with her and her daughters. Only Cinderella Connelly doesn't need glass slippers or a pretty dress designed by rodent helpers to snag the title of Prettiest Princess in the Land. Because Cinderella Connelly has another magical trick up her sleeve. The enchanted double dong dildo. Covered in fairy dust and shimmering lube. Only watch out--at midnight, it turns back into a zucchini. Eat shit, Aniston! more »
It turns out that there's a bit more behind Jennifer Aniston's new perma-smile than John Mayer's supersized salami. John's learned a few sexual tricks from Shannon Tweed movies. Star reports:
New couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are making some beautiful music together — in the bedroom!
In the new issue of Star, we report on the couple's superhot sex life that has left Jen floating on cloud nine for the last couple weeks.
"She is having the best sex of her life with John," a source close to the actress tells Star, "and she's loving every minute of it."
So just what does John do to make Jen think her body is a... wonderland?
According to the source, the singer covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps.
"John also likes to keep things interesting with games like role playing, which is new for Jen," says the source. "She was a little resistant at first, but now you couldn't wipe the smile off her face if you tried."
Another source who has slept with John agrees he knows how to have a good time between the sheets. "He was kinky and liked trying crazy positions. He loved sex and wanted it all the time."
Let us guess, Jen plays the naughty nurse, the innocent schoolgirl, or the helpless woman stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire. Truly ground-breaking stuff for any thirteen-year-old boy who's just discovered how to unscramble Skinemax. We're actually quite disappointed in John's lack of originality. He continually surprises us when he shows up in the daily gossip--mostly by not being the white-hatted d-bag we assumed he was and actually having a personality. So we expect a bit more from John. Like Jessica Simpson and Brad Pitt masks made out of Us Weekly covers. That hate sex would be phenomenal. more »
How do you cope when your handsome movie-star husband leaves you for the world's most desirable woman and immediately starts collecting babies and vowing to save the entire world with his lone, muscular hand? Certainly not by shacking up with a schlubby co-star suffering from a constant case of beer bloat. No, the only thing that cure those ills is a big, huge dong. It'll knock the heartache right outta you. The New York Daily News reported recently:
You wouldn't expect Jennifer Aniston to be giddy like a schoolgirl these days. Not with the news that ex Brad Pitt and his baby-machine girlfriend Angelina Jolie are pumping out twins in a couple of weeks. But the former "Friend" has been glowing of late, pals of the actress tell us.
"She's just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character," said one spy.
The reason can't just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner's ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he's a great guy, but because he's a "great" guy, if you know what we mean.
"His body actually is a wonderland," one ex was overheard saying.
Jennifer Aniston has told friends John Mayer is a better lover than her ex-husband Brad Pitt.
The former ‘Friends’ actress, 39, is reportedly more impressed by her sex life with Mayer than with previous partners Vince Vaughn and Brad Pitt.
A source told the National Enquirer, “Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover.
“In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets - insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage.”
Jennifer’s romance with the ‘No Such Thing’ hitmaker is said to be helping her finally get over her 2005 divorce from Pitt.
“Only now, in John’s arms, does she look even close to finally putting Pitt in the past tense,” added the source.
Girl, that's weak. Sure, getting regular servicing by a Diggler dick will put a smile on your face, but the only way to truly get over her past loves is for Jen to go on Access Hollywood and proclaim that Vince Vaughn has the permanent stench of ball sweat and that Brad Pitt has a Q-tip wang. Everyone knows that Angelina has the dick in that relationship anyway. more »
Is it his rakish, boyish charm? Or the idea that he might laud them in song likening their bodies to a mystical land populated by Cheshire cats and stoned caterpillars? We don't quite know what it is that makes ladies' panties fall to the floor when they meet John Mayer, but apparently, Jennifer Aniston's got it bad. Real bad. According to the Daily Mail, Jen's been texting John to come back to Miami to spend more time with her, and a friend says,
"She's really into John, and the nine year age difference doesn't bother her for a second. Jen's already telling friends she's falling in love with this guy. Jen's really hoping he can spend more time in Miami with her. She just wants to see a lot more of him. This was definitely not a one-off thing as far as she's concerned."
And then Jennifer lined up all her Cabbage Patch Kids and told them a new daddy would finally be coming into their lives. That was right before she wrote "Mrs. Jennifer Mayer" on the soles of her Keds.
Jen might want to exercise a little caution here. We've seen John Mayer's O-face, and it is about as erotic as one would imagine:
Jennifer Aniston is sort of a non-entity to us. There's not really anything to dislike about her--she seems like a fine lady, probably polite, she wears classy-looking colorless clothes, she has shiny hair--but there's just nothing interesting about her either. The most compelling her life ever got was when everyone assumed she was crying twenty-four hours a day. But every now and then we must report on her whereabouts just to keep up with the times and all, we just prefer that reporting to center on her surprisingly hot bikini body rather than her possible dating of John Mayer. According to People:
Jennifer Aniston had a late private lunch with musician John Mayer in a Miami restaurant that opened Friday afternoon just for them, and then the couple spent a lengthy dinner together Friday night.
When it came to lunch, "I was happy to accommodate them," says Charles Bell, general manager of Michael's Genuine Food & Drink in the Miami Design District, which opened its doors for the pair early at 3:30 p.m. for the 90-minute meal.
Aniston, in Miami shooting the movie Marley & Me with Owen Wilson, ordered a chopped chicken salad, while Mayer had a Serrano ham sandwich which "Jen ate some of," says Bell. For dessert, they shared a chocolate-and-peanut-butter layered treat.
Sitting across from each other in a booth, their heads were close together, and they were engaged in a private conversation, says Bell.
"I can't speculate on what kind of meeting it was but they looked happy and seemed to have a great time," he says.
The same also seemed to be true later in the day, when the two were seen at Casa Tua on South Beach.
With his arm around her, Mayer, 30, and Aniston, 39, left the restaurant a bit before 1 a.m. When they returned to her hotel, they were observed holding hands.
"We are very discreet here," the manager of Casa Tua told PEOPLE after the two had departed. "That is why we have celebrity guests."
God, People, way to hold out on us there. Couldn't you please give us more details? Was Jen's hair loose, in a ponytail, a bun? And was John wearing a black T-shirt or a black button-down shirt? Did they chew their bites at least thirty times? Exactly how many times did the busboy fill up their water glasses? We just don't like it when you get all vague on us, People. more »
• Her bump. Her bump her bump her bump. Her lovely baby bump. Check it out. (Yeeeah!)
• Pete Wentz says he one attempted suicide with a bottle of Ativan and some Jeff Buckley. Hell, Pete, if it's uncontrollable vomiting you're after, try listening to your own music. BURN! (Celebitchy)
• Scary celebrity faces. Poor Busey never gets a damn break. (Cityrag)
• Kate Moss and her boyfriend sing and dance on Jim Morrison's grave. Then afterwards they made a slam book and drank a wine cooler and totally stole one of Kate's mom's Virginia Slims and pierced each other's ears with safety pins!!! You guys are sooo busted!!!! (FemaleFirst)
• Eliot Spitzer's paid lady companion, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, once Went Wild. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Is there a Jennifer Aniston tell-all in the works? We are on the cusp of finally, finally learning how she gets that glass-like hair sheen! (PopCrunch)
• Gaze upon the spawn of J. Lo! Admire them! Bow! Bow, minions! (Allie Is Wired)
• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)
• Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)
• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)
• Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)
Us Weekly ruined Jennifer Aniston for us. Not that before she was dumped for the world's most desirable female we were all, "Jen Aniston is so COOL. She makes the best movies. We want to be just like her" or anything. But with all the headlines bemoaning "Jen's Pain," "Jen's Heartache," "Jennifer Aniston is SAD," "Jennifer Aniston One Good Cry Away from Stuffing Shiloh in Her Purse and Disappearing to Antarctica" and whatnot, we can't look at her as any sort of functioning human. To us she's a sad, pathetic sack who cries roughly eighteen hours a day and plasters her walls with magazine clippings of the perfectly happy Jolie-Pitt clan. Because that's what Us Weekly wants us to believe. But in reality she's trying to hunt down a man capable of baking her up a revenge baby. MSNBC reports:
One week the rumor mill has Jennifer Aniston paired with Aaron Eckhart, and then suddenly Brian Bouma’s her main man. The latest reports of hot and heavy times for Jen involve her “Marley & Me” co-star Owen Wilson. Conflicting reports? Not according to OK! magazine, whose sources claim Jen’s rolling through the hotties in search of daddy material.
That’s right. Jennifer’s allegedly on a quest to make her maternal dreams come true, and one insider says it’s down to Brian and Owen. “Both men have some of Jen’s favorite qualities: Brian has the height and looks, while Owen can make her laugh,” a pal of Jen’s shared with the magazine. “Either one would be a good choice for Jen.”
Then again, one of the guys may not be ripe for the papa picking. A friend from camp Owen told OK! the actor isn’t seeing anyone seriously, and “wants to keep his options open.”
As for Brian, “(He’s) really good guy,” another source said. “He’s a bit overwhelmed by all the attention since he’s been identified as Jen’s boyfriend.” But not scared off yet, as “(Brian and Jen) still talk on the phone with each other.”
We like this new Jennifer, a brazen hussy flitting around from man to man trying to suss out which one possesses the traits most desirable to pass on to a child. Sure, she's probably not going to trump Shiloh or the forthcoming Jolie-Pitt superbaby twins, but maybe if she can find a man who is facially gifted she can at least have Harlow Madden running scared. more »
The tabloids will stop at nothing to paint Jennifer Aniston as a joyless old spinster who sits at home Bridget Jones style, crying into her Mallomars while watching DVDs containing three generations of women singing Motown while setting a table. In actuality, Jen has most likely thrown a leg over the rippling, well-groomed back of the Butterscotch Stallion himself before cantering bareback into the beachy sunset. Jennifer and Owen Wilson are hard at work filming Marley & Me, and a source on the set told Star:
“[Owen's] chemistry with Jen was instantaneous! The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling. They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. Jen is known for being a recluse on set, but she’s having so much fun with Owen. She’s just really happy.”
We can understand why costars usually end up hooking up. Long hours shooting sex scenes under hot kleig lights . . . real emotions blending into imagined ones as the script calls for costars to feign a Wuthering Heights kind of romance. However, Marley & Me's plot summary, via IMDb, is: "A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog." Mother of Christ, that is some hot shit. We hear that on the set of Beethoven, you could cut the sexual tension between Bonnie Hunt and Charles Grodin with a knife.
more »
Cinephiles would argue that the only thing that made that warm, soft mound of stool called The Break-Up worth watching would be the object from which said stool is released: Jennifer Aniston's naked ass. Throughout most of the flick, audiences were sighing uncomfortably and obsessively checking their text messages, but when the caramel curves of Aniston's Pilate-fied chair cheeks filled the screen, all was forgiven. But don't get used to it--from the sound of it, Jennifer will not be repeating her flash anytime soon. She recently said,
“Although I’m happy in my own skin, I’m not comfortable doing nude scenes. On my movie (The Break-Up) we had a closed set, but it was still very hard.”
It sure was, Jen! It sure was. Ah, erection jokes: are they ever not appropriate? more »
Jennifer Aniston's famous "Kojak" scene from The Breakup was probably easy for her to shoot, because as it turns out, her actual real-life vagina does resembled the follicularly challenged, lollipop-licking NYPD dick himself. Star mag reports:
Jennifer Aniston’s name may be synonymous with impeccable hair, but according to her former waxer, Jen is just as concerned with the hair on another region of her body! “She’s neurotic about bikini waxes,” reveals Dawn DaLuise of Dawn DaLuise Skin Refinery in L.A., who used to visit the Friends set every other week to work on the actress. “She’d call even when there was no hair to wax. And she’d insist on having it done - literally making me wax off peach fuzz. She’s phobic about extraneous stray hairs - especially around her bikini line. She’ll [even] tweeze them!”
"Boo hoo hoo! A very famous lady calls me all the time and pays me large barrels of money to touch her on the privates! Oh waaaaaah! There isn't even any hair there so I don't actually do work! I just touch the poon!" Feh! Hell hath no fury as a pussy waxer scorned. Woe unto you, scribes, Pharisees, and former ripper-outers of Jennifer Aniston's labial hairs. more »
• Brit can visit her kids; might be headed back to rehab. In related news, Kevin Federline showed up to court wearing an eyepatch. Because he's a responsible p-arrrrrrrrrrr-ent. (GlossLip)
• George Takei now has his own asteroid. His own tight, firm, assteroid. (IMDb)
• Speaking of ab-related embiggening, Eva Mendes blames hers on rotini and brownies. (Daily Stab)
• Jennifer Aniston sells magazines. At a stand on the corner of 5th and Walnut, because her career is in the john. Naw, just jerkin' your bird. (The Blemish)
• See the general area from whence Harvey, Junior, and Princess Tiaamii issued: Katie Price upskirt! (Taxi Driver)
Sure, you might think Angelina Jolie is hotter than a freshly toasted Pop Tart, but when was the last time you saw her in a bikini? A long g.d. time ago, right? And there Jennifer Aniston is, listening to everyone moan about how sad and desperate she is, flaunting her shit all over the place and looking hot. So we ask you, who is the better woman? Who brings more joy to the world? The baby saver or the bikini flaunter? We think the answer is clear. Incidentally the picture below is supposed to depict Jen with elfin Orlando Bloom.
We can't see his mustache or his vagina, so we can't be sure it's him, but he is completely averting his eyes for the scantily clad form of Aniston, so it probably is. Plus, Jen's rep says they were both in Mexico but denies they were getting into each other's swimsuits:
They were both in Mexico along with many others to attend a wedding of a friend who works at the management company where ... [they] are represented.
We don't really believe this denial, though, as Orlando seems to be a perfect match for Jen. She sees how well Brad is behaving after Angie crushed his shriveled little balls in her she-woman grip, but Jen doesn't really have that kind of strength and needs to start with an already emasculated partner.
Reporting on Hulk Hogan's son Nick being seriously injured in a car accident is probably the right thing to do, since it's big news in Gossiptown today. But when have we ever had any sort of journalistic integrity? Do you refer to us as "Celeb 'Scoop' Newswire"? You don't. Do you see a paper with "press" stuck in our fedora? You don't. Our business is show business, baby, and showbiz ain't drag racing in Florida with the Hulkster's progeny. Besides, Nick is going to be OK--or, as OK as someone can be with a mahogany-colored dad. Godspeed, Nick Hogan, we toast your recovery with these shots of Jennifer Aniston in a groin-sweatingly skimpy bikini, coming dang near close to flashing her clam cleave. Look upon these images and be revived. Come away from the light. You too, Owen Wilson.
• Jennifer Aniston is going to adopt a baby! So prepare to listen to your middle-aged lady coworkers coo and gasp with delight and talk about what a wonderful mother that nice Aniston woman will make. And then her publicist will deny the reports and it will all be over. Ahhh. (IMDb)
• Petra Nemcova, she is a lady without a shirt but with curious symbols painted across her mammary glands. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Britney holds J.J.; allows ass cheeks to devour bikini bottoms, as if they were a delicious chocolate cake. (The Blemish)
• Furthermore, Britney mocks Lohan on her website. Hey, so what are the heating bills like in that glass house of yours, B? (Celebitchy)
• Kim Kardashian will dance with the Pussycat Dolls. And her assplants will burst forth through her regulation lace chaps. As if they were a delicious chocolate cake. (D Listed)
• The Olsens turned 21 yesterday. Remember when dudes were counting down the days until they were legal because they wanted to sexually fantasize about them without feeling guilty? And then they turned legal AND turned into doddering Miss Havishams that smell like motel ashtrays? Hahaha, that was funny! (ICYDK)
• Angelina and Brad are thinking about adding a Czech orphan to their multi-hued brood. NO. F U. MORE SHILOH. (Derek Hail)
• Brooke Hogan performs in frayed denim chaps. We haven't seen such creative scissors-meet-fabric self-styling since Billy's Squier's "Rock Me Tonite" video! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Jennifer Aniston gets back at Brad for shacking up with Hollywood's most beautiful woman with the only possible revenge: dating a model. (Hollyscoop)
• Criss Angel dedicates a magic trick to new girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Uhhh, we think that sort of romance only works with musicians dedicating songs. Then again, who knows, maybe there are dentists out there saying, "This root canal goes out to my boo, Debbie. I love you, babygirl." (Celebitchy)
• Kirsten Dunst is all, "Like, if the whole world smoked weed, man . . . there would be no wars and crime and stuff. You knowwww?" Oh man. Totally, dude. Seeeriously. (Yeeeah!)
• Selma Blair's boyfriend is rumored to be shopping for rings in preparation for popping the question. Which is better than swabbing your anal ring in preparation for pooping. OR IS IT???? (IMDb)
• Rachel McAdams and that Notebook guy are also going to get hitched. Mazel tov. (D Listed)
• FHM goes heaving on the smoothing tool in Photoshop, makes Kim Stewart look slightly less embarrassing. Young Turks be free tonight indeed! Wait, what does that mean. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Howard Stern (not K.) luxuriates in the warm, comforting, leathery glow of Don Imus's verbal gaffe. (Radar)
• Brad and Angelina allegedly purchase $140 million yacht made of marble and gold, because they are Liberace. (PopSugar)
• Snoop Dogg is facing up to four years in prison. Comeback album entitled From the Dogghouse to the Big House . . . and Back Again dropping in 2011. (Celebitchy)
A very vague ass-pat that's about12% pat and 3% ass preceding an anchored, tongue-free peck? What a washout! However, aside from Courteney's new, curiously immobile upper lip, little has changed looks-wise with these two since their Friends heyday, so the kiss may help better color and illustrate your long-held Friends fantasies. Otherwise, just think of the fact that their last names blended together = "Aniscox", and laugh and laugh and laugh. more »
If, like that zany, zaftig cat Garfield, you hate Mondays, here is a brainteaser to get your synapses firing as you try to wake up and begin your week. Say you are an internationally beloved actress of screens large and small, and aside from a brief flirtation with shadowy indie toplessness, you go to great lengths to obscure your snoobs. And say you are starring in a big-budget comedy containing a scene in which you are required to roam willy-nilly about an apartment with nary a snitch; however, only a blurry hunk of butt would be showing. Now, if your breasts were truly a prize to be cloaked under the cover of night, wouldn't you pop on some pasties or patches before filming the scene? Wouldn't you? Jennifer Aniston wouldn't. And according to thesepics, she didn't when filming The Break-Up. Which kind of makes you wonder if there are some chopped celluloid versions of Aniston's labes clinging to a dumpster in the back of the Universal lot. more »