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filed under: Jake Gyllenhaal

August 12, 2008

Jake Gyllenhaal Topless!

jake_gyllenhaal_prince_of_persia_shirtless.jpg Supposedly this pic of a shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal is from the set of his upcoming movie Prince of Persia. But we're not really buying it. We think Jake is actually secretly filming another Aliens sequel. We're fairly certain we can see something moving around under those Mariah Carey inspired painted-on abs, so if it's not a nemesis of Ripley, then Jake's got some serious problems.
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June 27, 2008

Reese and Jake Live in Sin. Boring, Boring Sin

jake_gyllenhaal_reese_witherspoon.jpgRemember when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were first secretly hooking up and the media went completely bananas and everyone stayed up for weeks, mad with imagining the possibilities of our two most comely stars doing it? Photographers high on Red Bull staked their every move, just hoping to get the money shot of the two together? Yes? Remember those days? Well, the pairing of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal is the exact opposite of that. They've been dating for several months now (really?) and they just moved in together (for real?) Celebitchy reports:
Reese Witherspoon and her two children have just moved into a £1.9 million house in the cosmopolitan district of “Notting Hill” to be closer to her love Jake Gyllenhaal.

The romantic 32-year-old star, which was considered as the Hollywood’s highest paid actress, took a four-month break from work so she can be closer to Brokeback Mountain actor Jake, who is currently filming in London.
Ugh, these two are so boring that we're practically falling asleep typing this. Their love nest is probably a giant den of bland. They sit around cuddling in a respectful way and discuss whether or not to get the taupe or loden sofa and then enjoy some plain Triscuits and water while watching Grey's Anatomy. more »
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May 14, 2008

Finally We Can Talk About Engagements That Don't Involve Ashlee Simpson

halle berry with engagement ring.jpg First he gave her a little baby bundle capable of challenging Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's title as World's Sexiest Baby, and now Modelman has given Halle Berry an engagement ring. According to Showbiz Spy:
New mom Halle Berry is engaged to her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry after he gave her his grandmother’s ring.

“Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family,” a source close to the couple said.

“The ring belonged to Gabriel’s grandmother – it was her engagement ring.”

The ‘X Men’ actress, 41, was snapped flashing the diamond ring in Hollywood this past weekend.

Berry gave birth to the couple’s first daughter, Nahla Ariela, in March.

Halle and Gabriel, 32, started dating in November 2005.
Way to get a jump on all those other Hollywood unwed mothers, Halle. Nicole Richie and Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn Spears are going to have to try really hard to keep up with you, you wily minx.

Also contemplating a walk down the aisle, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, although they're planning on having the wedding first, then moving in together, then having the babies. God, what a coupla squares. Reports OK!:
Sitting in a cozy booth at the Hominy Grill in Charleston, S.C., on May 3, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal were the picture of happiness. Though the cheery couple, who arrived holding hands, brought their appetites, their minds weren't on food.

"They couldn't keep their eyes off each other," Hominy Grill manager Brandy Mangum tells OK!. "The entire time, he was so attentive. It was really sweet. They really do make the perfect couple."

Friends of the pair say it won't be long now before Jake pops the question to his lady love. "They've been talking marriage for a while," a source close to Reese reveals to OK!. "They'll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."

But don't expect these two to go down the route of so many Hollywood couples who move in together and start families before getting hitched. "This is a very serious relationship," the Oscar-winner's pal explains. "But Reese is very conservative and traditional. I'm sure she doesn't want her kids to see her 'living in sin.'"

When asked about their clients' plans for walking down the aisle, Reese's rep had no comment, while Jake's people claim there are no immediate plans for a wedding.
Aw, Jake will make a lovely bride. We wonder what color his bridesmaids will wear. Probably teal. more »
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February 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Boozin' and Coozin'

britney_bday.jpg• More oddly smooth Britney mons pubis. We're starting to think that maybe those are flesh-toned undies. Foiled! (Faded Youth)

• But she still can't see her chitlins. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• The bottle came between Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst. The bottle, and her baby vampire fangs. (Yeeeah!)

Denise Richards says that exploiting her children in a reality show is fine, because they said yes when she asked them if they wanted to be on TV. They're two and three. If you asked them if they wanted to have live jellyfish sewn to their faces, they'd say "Yaaaay!" (I'm Not Obsessed)

J. Lo has checked in to the hospital! She will now proceed to birth a child from each of her buns. (PopCrunch)

Hilary's Duff, in a bikini. (Egotastic)

• The Heidi Klum-Seal family, in a traveling version of Cats. (Derek Hail)

Megan Fox Jacks it. (Fatback)

Alba pulls a Lindsay and recreates old junk in photos. Only without the boobs, natch. (The Blemish)

• OMG, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden actually left the house! They're such horrible parents! Alert DCFS! (Celeb Warship)

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January 18, 2008

Ryan Phillippe Is a Jealous Crybaby

reese witherspoon and jake gyllenhaal engagement ring.jpg "Wah! My son likes his closeted gay almost step-daddy better than he likes his closeted gay real daddy! Wah!" So says Ryan Phillippe, according to OK! (via Celebitchy):
According to a family friend, the kids love Jake so much that when it’s time for Reese to hand them over to Ryan, little Deacon can’t stop talking about Jake. “It’s Jake did this, Jake brought mommy flowers and coffee, Jake says we should recycle,” the friend tells OK!

It’s reportedly taking it’s toll on Ryan. “Ryan called Reese and suggested she stop letting him (Jake) spend so much time with the kids,” the insider tells OK! “He was pretty irate on the phone. Reese barely let him finish the sentence before she shot back that what she does with her personal life is her business.”
We can see how that would get pretty annoying. A three-year-old constantly bragging, "Jake smells like bubblegum, Jake has a picture of George Clooney in his wallet, Jake says you're responsible for the destruction of the rainforest," would really get on your nerves.

And in other Reese news, yesterday WENN brought us this headline: "Witherspoon's Eye Blister Stops Shooting." Well, thank God. It could've hit someone. And blood leaves a stain. Just look at Britney.
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November 29, 2007

Gyllenspoon Pretend To Do It in an Airplane Bathroom

reese witherspoon and jake gyllenhaal.jpg Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are so totally in love/committed to their sham relationship that they made the whoopie/braided each other's hair in an airplane bathroom. Showbiz Spy reports:
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal may have joined the ‘Mile High Club’.

The Hollywood couple allegedly spent more than ten-minutes together inside an airplane bathroom, according to U.S reports.

Witherspoon, 31, and Jake, 26, were flying together from Frankfurt, Germany, to Los Angeles after a trip to the Rome Film Festival.

“Reese was dressed in all black and wearing shades when she and about six handlers entered Lufthansa’s first class lounge,” an eyewitness told Star magazine.

“It wasn’t until she was already on the plane that we realized Jake, also dressed in black, had boarded separately.”

After the two-hour flight from Rome to Frankfurt, the lovebirds were transferred to their trans-Atlantic connection on a special bus. Once onboard the group occupied ten out of 16 seats in the first class section of the 747 plane.

“Reese and Jake kissed and cuddled together under a blanket in her recliner seat in the back row,” the witness continued.

Three hours into the flight, Reese reportedly got up from her seat and walked forward to the toilet. Two minutes later Jake got up and allegedly walked into the same bathroom. “I started timing them - they were together in there for 11-minutes,” the witness told Star.

Jake came out of the bathroom first, and Reese reportedly followed him three-minutes later. “When they each walked by, it seemed like everyone in their entourage took pains to look away.

“Jake worked on his laptop, and then he and Reese took a nap side by side.”
Well, first of all, Jake obviously has a bathroom fetish. But what exactly could he do with a girl in a water closet that would satisfy his urges? Get advice on applying liquid eye liner? Trade snickerdoodle recipes? Douche? more »
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October 24, 2007

Ohmigod, Reese and Jake Are, Like, So Doing It!

reese witherspoon jake gyllenhaal hold hands.jpg Ohmigod, Reese and Jake are, like, so the perfect couple! Ohmigodohmigodohmigod! I can't believe they are really, really dating! This is so exciting! I hope they get married and have lots of cute little babies and make movies together about, like, really pretty rich people who adopt injured puggles or squirrels or bunnies or something. Ohmigod, this is, like, so awesome! We were so wrong about that Toothy Tile thing. Jake obviously loves snatch.
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October 23, 2007

Jake Once Got Busy In a Burger King Bathroom

brokeback.jpgSome quotes need no additional commentary. Here is something Jake Gyllenhaal said in a recent interview.
"...I was stuck in a woman's bathroom once with Susan Sarandon. She was interviewing me for a magazine and we couldn't find a battery for our recording device so we ended up in a woman's bathroom. I discovered two things that day: that the floor in a woman's bathroom is colder than the floor in the men's. And, believe me, I've spent a lot of time on the floor of a men's bathroom so I should know!"
Ah. So we've finally, at long last, found out the origin of the name "Toothy TILE".
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August 28, 2007

Toothy Tile To Reproduce?

brokeback mountain hug.jpg We're pretty certain that this story is about as truthful as Green Eggs and Ham, but it's still pretty damned amusing. Because while we don't doubt Jake Gyllenhaal's desire for dong, we do doubt that he'd be willing to face the career consequences of having a baby with his gay lover. Currently that's only acceptable for lesbians. And only hot lesbians. If there were a celeb lesbian couple who looked like Della Reese and Minnie Pearl, we're guessing America wouldn't be too keen on their gay love child either. Anyway, a source told former Hollywood publicist, current sensationalist blogger Jonathan Jaxson:
Jake Gyllenhaal has been dating the same guy for years. Last year Jake and his bf were arrested and brought into the West Hollywood station after the sheriffs office was called after catching Jake and his bf having sex in an SUV behind the restaurant Chin Chins in LA. Both were later released.

Jake has been dating this guy for years, even before he broke up with Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst found out about his bf and confronted him at Chateau Marmont. The confrontation was loud and they broke up right there. News of their break-up followed a few days later. Jake and his bf are currently expecting a baby through a surrogate. They used a company based in Westwood, CA. The baby is due in September.

I'm pretty surprised you haven't heard. It's the worst kept secret in Hollywood. Jake publicly walks around holding hands and kissing his bf in public on both coasts and even vacations with him. Pictures have even circulated around the internet. I've seen them.
We're not naive. We know that roughly 87% of Hollywood is gayer than a hot-pink leopard-print settee in Sigfried and Roy's drawing room. But we're also pretty sure that most of those people want to seem manly and virile and able to lift a horse above their heads with one hand while chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels with the other. That's how they trick fat Midwestern housewives into seeing their films and exclaiming to all their friends, "Oh, he's just so handsome!"
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June 21, 2007

Gyllenhaal Debeards Again

reese is smooth.jpg Hey, did you remember that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal were supposedly porking? We didn't. They're kind of like the relationship equivalent of Julia Roberts's belly full o' fetus and a Cinderella song all wrapped in one: we didn't know what we had until it was gone. Reports Us Weekly:
Though sources say the duo, who began dating in March (five months after her split from Ryan Phillippe, 32), had been getting serious in recent weeks – he bonded with her two kids and met her mom – Us Weekly has learned the couple have cooled.

“She has either called it off or is just taking a break,” says a Witherspoon source.

The hitch? If may have been too much, too soon for the actress, 31, still smarting from her divorce.

“She cares for Jake, but the timing is crappy,” says the insider. “She doesn’t have enough emotional space for him right now.”

Sources say the star – who has been hunkering down at home because “she’s worried that when she’s in public, everyone’s talking about her failed marriage” – is staying strong for the kids.

Alas, it seems it will be just the three of them for a while longer.

A source says that Gyllenhaal recently told a buddy: “I’m single.”
We're sorry we just can't muster up any enthusiasm for the mingling (or de-mingling, as it were) of groins between two people who are reportedly a joyless fun murderer (her) and a castoff from Matthew McConaughey's boy toy collection (him). Also, it's just like us to lose interest in Jake just moments after we've finally learned how to spell Gyllenhaal. We guess that "Spell Difficult Surnames" class we took at the learning annex was a waste of $49.95 and a Friday afternoon. more »
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March 29, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

courtkini.jpgCourtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

Cruznett!

Gyllenspoon!

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March 06, 2007

Dear Anne, May I Fling Those Melons Around Like It's Harvest Season? Love Jake

jake g kissy face.jpg Upon hearing that Jake Gyllenhaal asked permission before feeling up Anne Hathaway in Brokeback Mountain, some people might think, "What a polite gentleman. He didn't want to offend her by mauling her funbags without her approval." We, of course, think, "He must have been really curious to finally know what those things feel like. He was probably too shy to ask to take a gander at her vulva." more »
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September 11, 2006

Kirsten's Kinky Sex Not Good Enough for Jake

Do you wanna hear Kirsten Dunst talk about sex? In public? With Jake Gyllenhaal? Of course you do. Because you have a much stronger stomach than we do and the thought of happening upon a gay cowboy giving it to Kirsten in a public restroom and periodically reaching down around her knees to fondle her breasts is something you can totally handle. more »
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May 30, 2006

The Porthaal to Love

After being seen together in New York over the weekend looking very couple like, the rumors are flying that Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal were, like, holding hands and smooching and soooo close to really making babies, I mean seriously, they are so going to prom together. more »
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May 10, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Trephining with Keef

Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

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March 07, 2006

Drunkback Mountain

In a desperate attempt to show the world that he really loves chowing down on pussy, Jake Gyllenhaal proves that he's never even seen one of those icky things.

jake-gyllenhaal-pre-oscar-party-03.jpg

God, Jake, even Lindsay knows that one.
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January 12, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "Scarlett Is a Cunt"

• Macauley Culkin and That '70s Show's Mila Kunis have been shopping for engagement rings and getting ready to create the dirtiest sounding hyphenated surname ever: Kunis-Culkin. Penis-Cockin'? Pubis-Caulking?

Kim Raver: nice boob. We mean, shirt.

PopBitch sez: "Jake Gyllenhaal was in London last week to promote Jarhead. He was without on-off love Kirsten Dunst but quickly had another girl in tow, whom he attempted to impress by telling her he'd also shagged Chelsea Clinton." Well, we're impressed. And by "impressed", we mean "the opposite of impressed".

• Listen, Lindsay, you had your moment as Owner of the Best Breasts in Young Hollywood but you blew it, OK? You fucked it up. Put the Sharpie down and back away from the bathroom wall. The tiara has been passed. The tiara has been passed.

• White of teeth and gargantuan of boob, Jenna Jameson ruled the AVN Awards.

• Hey cancer, you can ravage Kylie Minogue's breasts but you will never! Take! That ass!!!

Cindy Crawford pix! Actually, Cindy Crawford picks.
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October 18, 2005

Kirsten Drunkst

We love a good drunk celebrity. They bring joy into our life and reassure us that we are not the only one ending every Friday night in a pool of our own vomit on the bathroom floor. But frankly we’re a little tired of always talking about Tara Reid. The poor girl has been through enough. So thank you, Kirsten Dunst, for stepping up to the booze-soaked plate and saving Tara Reid from our continued torment. more »
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August 19, 2005

Kirsten and Jake Planning a Trip to the Cabbage Patch?

Usually we don’t really care which celebrities may or may not be crapping out little tykes (Demi Moore’s pregnant; no, she had a miscarriage; no, she’s still pregnant, she just has the gestation period of an elephant), but on a slow gossip day, a young movie star possibly being knocked up is our savior from having to write a story about Rob Schneider proving to his dining companions that he can cram an entire ham sandwich up his ass. (To our knowledge he didn’t actually do this, but if he did we would be sure to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage in between our bouts of vomiting.) So here it is, kids: Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal may be spawning. more »
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July 29, 2005

Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal: Better Sex Than You

Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are impossibly attractive. They are wealthy. They don't have to work 9 to 5. They sleep on 5 trillion thread-count sheets. They don't have to clean up their dog's crap. They can languidly rise at 1 P.M., sit around in their jammies, have their personal chefs make them seared tuna with paté, and then spend the rest of the day exploring each other's professionally groomed and scented genitalia. In fact, that's probably what they're doing right now.
So, hey, how's that budget review going? more »
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June 01, 2005

Much Ado About Mischa. And Jake.

What do you suppose Mischa Barton does in her free time? Kicks off her Keds and lets Rachel Bilson give her pedicures? Tries to keep fat-boy-in-training Brandon Davis away from craft services? Bet you never would have guessed that when she's not knocking back margaritas and throwing deck furniture into pools in front of the camera she's reading poetry with Jake Gyllenhaal. more »
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May 16, 2005

Donnie Darko Slipping the Dorko to Lindsay?

Lindsay Lohan and Jake Gyllenhaal together? No, no, no. That does not compute. Jake is under 38. And still has a full head of luxurious non-graying tresses. And he's never been divorced. And he's not a dad. more »
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November 16, 2004

Gyllenhaal and Ledger: Painfully, Painfully Gay

Jake Gyllenhaal claims he was left battered and bruised after shooting delightfully brutal gay love scenes with Heath Ledger for the upcoming flick, Brokeback Mountain. more »
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