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filed under: jail

September 03, 2008

Prison Jumpsuits Make Great Maternity Wear

leighton_meester_candy.jpgHey, Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here. And boy oh boy, do I have a sweet and fresh-from-the-oven dish for you. Star Leighton Meester, aka B, was spotted in the womb . . . and in jail. Juicy! Says Star:
Leighton Meester, who plays the privileged Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl, was born while her mother was serving a federal prison sentence in Texas. The mom was allowed to stay in a halfway house for the birth, but had to return to prison on the day Leighton turned three months. The future star was raised by a relative while mom served out her sentence for her role in a major drug-running ring.

None of those details appear in the actress' bio, which falsely lists the young star as being born in Marco Island, Fla., where her parents moved in the late '80s.

And Leighton's mom isn't the only member of her family with a record — her father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in federal prisons for drug dealing!
So it seems that before B was pounding Chuck Bass, she was busy pounding out license plates with Mom. Does Prada make shivs?

XOXO,
Gossip Girl more »
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July 23, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Funky Monk-y

sophie_monk_nipples_bikini.jpg• Sophie Monk's nipples try to stab their way through her bikini top. Like they were pink, squishy pirate cutlasses. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• David Duchovny was scared that wife Tea Leoni would give him a beatdown when she saw his makeout scene with Gillian Anderson in the X-Files movie. Guess we can assume she's never seen Californication. (FemaleFirst)

• Nick Hogan turns 18 on Sunday. That means big boy jail! Yayyy! Sooo big! (Allie Is Wired)

• Despite the pap songs, the fishbelly complexion, and the castrato voice, being James Blunt is kind of sweet. (Cityrag)

• More details about Batman giving his batmom a batshove. (Yeeeah!)

• Heather Locklear has been successfully rehabilitated. Locklear v. 2.0 ready for deployment. (The Blemish)

• Amy Winehouse wants at least five children with cracky, smacky husband Blake. Though since he's just been sentenced to 27 months in jail, that might be difficult outside of conjugal visits. (CelebWarship)

• Two weeks post-birth, and Nicole Kidman's gut is flatter than yours. The world is a vampire. (Hollywire)

• Gabrielle Reece shoves her volleyballs into a bikini top. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Picture it. 2008. Estelle Getty dies at her home. We'll miss you, Sophia Petrillo. (PopCrunch)

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May 29, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Hopelessly Devoted to Food

britney_high_ponytail.jpg • Britney might star in Grease on Broadway. Well, she's certainly got the "grease" part down. (Daily Stab)

• Mischa Barton is refusing to promote her t.a.t.u. movie. Wonder why. (IDLYITW)

• Thank God for Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson, for it keeps Michael Lohan in the news! (Yeeeah!)

• Scarlett Johansson. Naked in a pool. (Egotastic!)

• As Hilary Duff's veneers have shrunk, so has her rack inflated. It's magic! (Cityrag)

• Mariah Carey dons her most Mimi-est of rags to kick off Japanese baseball season. Man, what a weird sentence. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Pamela Anderson returns to form with the best upskirt she can muster. (Taxi Driver)

• Angelina and Brad let their children do whatever while they dunk their sleek, genetically superior forms nakedly into their pool. (The Blemish)

• Naomi Campbell to trade glamour for the slammer. (Celebitchy)

• Bill Murray's wife says he's a drunk and a stoner and a cheater and a beater. B-b-buh . . . but . . . he's the voice of Garfield! (PopCrunch)

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May 13, 2008

Stoned Temple Pilot Flies the Coop

scott_weiland_mug_shot.jpgRemember when tiny-mouthed singer Scott Weiland was arrested for driving under the influence of a drug? Neither do we because it's not 1995. Anyway, he was handed a 192-hour sentence, and served a mere 10 hours before he was released. TMZ says:
Scott Weiland was released from jail at 6:54 PM last night after serving only 10 hours out of his 192-hour sentence. His rehab stints last longer!

Weiland turned himself in at 8:55 AM yesterday, was officially booked at just after noon, and then assigned a housing location at 6:41 PM. But that wasn't quite necessary, since he was released just 14 minutes later.
Cool, but that doesn't explain the black eye boogers in his booking photo. Maybe jail turned him into a Himalayan cat.
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April 21, 2008

Wino Boobs=Smack

amy winehouse angry ice cream.jpg Just about a month ago we were given the gift of Amy Winehouse's tape-covered 'hab-bags, and at the time we mentioned the curious fact that "Amy Winehouse nude" had been one of CelebNewsWire's top ten search phrases for a couple of months. Well, we're sorry to report that your interest in Wino's wobblies has diminished since that need was partially placated, with "Amy Winehouse nude" now pulling in to the #16 station. But fret not, our crack-fiend-loving brethren, because Amy's jailed junky hubby may just pique your interest anew--by trading a topless snap for a fix. Reports England's People (which seems a lot more interesting and salacious than its Stateside namesake):
Amy Winehouse will be left seething when she sees her banged-up hubby has traded intimate photos of her to feed his heroin habit in jail.

Desperate Blake Fielder-Civil gave a fellow lag seven snaps including one of the singer with her boobs spilling out of a bra.

He exchanged them for tobacco - which he then swapped with another inmate for the drug.

Superstar Amy, 24, knew the 25-year-old loser had been selling signed publicity shots of her while he's on remand in London's Pentonville jail.

But she'll be outraged when she finds out the rat has betrayed her by flogging personal pictures.

A friend said last night: "She'll be livid - the photos are her memories and for Blake to sell them is a real let-down. Amy won't believe he can stoop this low."

A prison source said: "Blake is in a bad way and is always desperate for any drugs he can get his hands on. Some of the photos of Amy are a bit racy but he obviously puts his habit before his wife."

The seven snaps include three of the loved-up couple canoodling on a hotel balcony on their wedding day in Miami almost a year ago.

Others show Amy posing in a bra - and sticking out her tongue as she frolics in a pool in a bikini.

But the most upsetting image for the Back To Black star is the boobbaring shot of her in lacy undies.
We are Yanks, so there are many things about England that we don't understand, but their legal system has to be at the top of the list. Pete Doherty had to get caught with drugs like 42 times before he went to jail, yet Blake has been locked up on suspicion of perverting justice for three years now, we think. Was he ever convicted of anything? Was there ever a trial? We don't think so, but we haven't really been trailing Amy and Blakey too closely lately, mostly because of the smell. But we are happy to learn that England's jail system seems to work pretty much the same as ours in the U.S.: Amy Winehouse topless photos are less valuable than tobacco, which is less valuable than heroin. Sounds about right.
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April 16, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Oh, Behave

gisele_bundchen_lace_mask.jpg• Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab)

• Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)

• Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)

• "Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a parperp pupozee parparotzy man and kissed on him. rainbows r pritty!!!!!111" Britney Spears has video diaries and they may be released, woo hoo! (Hollywire)

• John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)

• Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)

• Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)

• Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)

• Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)

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December 06, 2007

Klinker Sutherland

kiefer_jail.jpgYesterday, Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in to authorities and began serving a 48 day sentence for DUI. People mag scoops:
"Mr. Sutherland is very polite and humble. He was very cooperative during the booking process,” said jail spokesman Officer John Balian. “He will be issued an orange jumpsuit, and will be housed alone in a cell, since he’ll be a long-term inmate.” Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food, said Balian.

Sutherland previously released a statement saying, “I’m very disappointed in myself for the poor judgment I exhibited recently, and I’m deeply sorry for the disappointment and distress this has caused my family, friends and co-workers on 24 and at 20th Century Fox. I appreciate the support and concern that has been extended to me these last weeks both personally and professionally.”
Jail, kitchen duty, disappointment and distress, blah blah whatever, did you get a load of that booking photo? Good Christ, that man is making love to all of us with his eyes. Kiefer is definitely still in the running to become America's Next Top Inmate. "I love this boy. I love him," says Miss J. "The cah-meh-rah luhvs him," Twiggy croons. "Honestly, he's fallen flat for me before, but I can see a real model emerging in this photo. It's remarkable," says Nigel Barker. "THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WAS JUST COMIN' UP, GIRLFRIIIIIEEEND! LOOK AT THOSE EYES! FIRE! FIRE! THAT'S FIERCE! NO DEAD EYES, JUST FIERCE LIKE THIS! RAWRAWRARWARWARRRRR! LOOK AT MY APRICOT-COLORED WIG! HA HA HA HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! FRIED CHICKEN! DOUGHNUTS! GLARBLELRLSALBER!" says Tyra.
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November 16, 2007

Lindsay Lohan Pays Her Debt to Society the Fast Cash Way

lindsay lohan booking photo.jpg TMZ, watcher of all things celebrity-mugshot related, caught our favorite rehabed chickadee running a few errands yesterday. You know, she got a manicure, picked up her dry cleaning, stopped by the post office to mail a package, spent 84 minutes in jail. Just a typical day, really.
TMZ has learned Lindsay Lohan checked in -- and out -- of the Lynwood Jail. According to the Sheriff's website, the actress was arrested at 10:30 AM and checked out at 11:54 AM.

That's just 84 minutes, two more minutes than Nicole Richie!

The time served was related to her wild DUI escapades this past July, when she commandeered a car in Santa Monica and took three young men on a wild high-speed chase.
Sure, LindyLo's time behind bars was short, but she's a multitasker and knows how to get things accomplished. By minute ten she had heard the life stories of all her fellow inmates and vowed to fight for their innocence once she was released. By minute thirty she'd read the complete works of Charles Dickens and fixed the common-room TV just in time for Ellen. By minute fifty she'd found God, read the Bible twice, and helped a handful of her fellow prisoners find the path to righteousness. And by minute eighty she'd had a lesbian orgy in the shower. See, there was nothing left for her to accomplish in prison so she had to be released. We're sure she'll now join Paris Hilton in her altruistic efforts, beginning with saving the drunken elephants.
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October 11, 2007

Michelle Rodriguez "Punished" with All-Girl Lockup

michelle rodriguez looks unhappy.jpg We've finally figured out the logic of celebrity jail sentences in L.A.--the length of your sentence is in direct correlation to your rug-munching experience. Nicole Richie probably made out with a chick to appease her dealer back in her shooting up days, but nothing more: 82 minutes in the clink. Paris Hilton has dabbled in the Sapphic when there wasn't a big Greek penis in the vicinity, and occasionally caught her girly groping on camera: 23 days behind bars. Michelle Rodriguez (allegedly) likes the labia so damn much she can't even pronounce the word penis: it's six months locked in a cell with another very, very bad girl for her. People reports:
Michelle Rodriguez was sentenced Wednesday to six months in jail for violating probation in a DUI case.

"[She] admitted violating her probation by failing to provide proof of completion of her community service and for consuming alcohol three times while wearing an alcohol-monitoring device," said the L.A. City Attorney's office in a statement.

The Lost star must report to a Los Angeles County jail by Dec. 24.

Superior Court Judge Daviann L. Mitchell also ruled that the actress is not to be granted an early release, despite L.A.'s jail overcrowding. She was also ordered to complete 30 days of road clean-up duty.

The City Attorney's office had alleged that Rodriguez turned in a false document showing that she completed one day of service on Sept. 25, court filings show. The actress later stated that she was in New York on that date.

Her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

Last month, her previous attorney, Richard Beada, said: "We believe this is all due to a clerical error. My client did complete the full 30 days."

Rodriguez, 29, had been serving an extended probation term for numerous driving infractions.

In May 2006, she served only four hours and 20 minutes of a two-month sentence at the Lynwood, Calif., jail for violating probation, stemming from a DUI arrest in Hawaii in December 2005.

She served, however, just over two days in a Honolulu jail in that case.

In June 2004, Rodriguez had been placed on three years' probation after pleading no contest to DUI and driving with a suspended license from two separate incidents in the Hollywood area in 2003.
We know that the state of California thinks this is some sort of punishment, but we're not sure that locking Michelle up with unlawful ladies is going to turn out as the authorities expect. It'll probably be a bit more like Chained Heat than that made-for-TV movie about Martha Stewart's jail stint. And once Michelle's six months are up, we fully expect her to spend her time hanging out in front of police stations breaking any law she can think of: burning flags, selling bootleg DVDs of the new Indiana Jones movie, setting up illegal dog fights.
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October 10, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Keifer in the Klink

brittany_hubby.jpg • Brittany Murphy's husband is Artie Lange??? (Bricks and Stones)

• Lindsay says that rehab was a "sobering experience". You don't say. (IDLYITW)

• Tara Reid in FHM looking . . . good? Oh, look, a flying pig. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Charlize Theron is Esquire's Sexiest woman. Which is a nicer honor than being Esquire's Stinkiest Belly Button. Yeah, we're still bitter, Esquire. Screw you jerks. (Egotastic!)

• Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'. Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (Derek Hail)

• Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail. God, he is always trying to ape Paris's steez, man. Always. (The Blemish)

• Man of God proves that Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . . Gayken! (Celebitchy)

• Everybody on earth knows that J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (CelebWarship)

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October 03, 2007

Nicolas Cage Nearly Burgled by Naked Guy

nicolas cage with mustache.jpg When you're a successful and rich actor with valuable things like dinosaur skulls decorating your abode, you've got to be prepared for unwanted intruders. TMZ reports:
TMZ has learned Robert Furo was arrested at Nicolas Cage's crib in Newport Beach at 2:00 AM yesterday morning, after the actor woke up and found the guy wandering inside his digs. Sources tell us when Cage confronted the guy, he realized that the jacket Furo was wearing was actually his. Even better, the dude was NAKED. Creepy!

Newport Beach Police tell TMZ that they received a call at 1:27 AM from a gate guard who said he received a call from Cage, saying that a strange male was in his home. Cage's wife and son were in the home, when Cage, without incident, escorted the intruder into the backyard, where he was arrested a short time later by police. There were no signs of forced entry, and no altercation. Amazing.

The Orange County D.A. has just charged Furo with burglary. He's currently being held in the OC Jail on $50,000 bail. A short time later, the O.C. District Attorney requested that bail be raised to $100,000, and the judge granted the request.

UPDATE 4:14PM PDT: Furo, 6' tall and 199 lbs., listed his occupation as "tailor," and was arraigned minutes ago on the felony burglary charge, to which he plead not guilty. He was then remanded to custody. He is due back in court for a pre-trial hearing on October 10.
So many questions. Was Furo naked when he entered Cage's home? Or did he encounter the coat closet and feel compelled to leave his entire ensemble in a heap on the floor in favor of a genuine piece of Captain Corelli's Mandolin memorabilia? And if he was naked when he entered the home, how is it that no search lights or security patrols caught sight of his apparently very pasty skin? Did he see Cage on Leno or The View or some such and think to himself, "That jacket is a perfect specimen. I must acquire it and study it's form for the greater good of the tailoring industry"? Or is he just a Nic Cage super fan who's watched Cage steal shit in film after film (Raising Arizona, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure) and thought that theft would bring him closer to his idol?
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September 07, 2007

Paris Hilton Takes First-Hand Knowledge of Prison and Chick Kissing to the Stage

wax paris hilton jail outfit.jpg With such demanding roles as Strung-out Supermodel, Female Club-goer, and Herself already stuffing her impressive rιsumι, Paris Hilton has decided to take her tang to the stage for some lady groping. According to A Socialite's Life:
Paris is set to star in a musical in London in which she'll play a chick in prison who hooks with another gal. The show is based on a popular Australian soap opera called "Prisoner: Cell Block H".

"Paris, who is said to have been keen to tread the boards in the West End for some time, is to star as an inmate in the production set in a women-only prison.

It is believed her character will be involved in a lesbian romp.

The source added: 'Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she's happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it'll be fun to play a lesbian. She'll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.'"
Paris to play a convict who makes out with chicks? Why, we're shocked! That's so out of character. She might as well we playing Eleanor Roosevelt. Such a stretch. We just hope this surely ground-breaking production pares down the script so that Paris's singing part is restricted to a few whispered and breathy lines and her dance moves include a pole and/or a table to make her feel more comfortable. Better yet, cut the singing and dancing altogether and just have Paris and another femme inmate groping and kissing and licking for the entire performance. It would sell tons of tickets and Paris wouldn't have to bother herself with memorizing lines.
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August 24, 2007

New Trends in Celebrity Jail Time, Featuring Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie

lindsay lohan and nicole richie skeletons.jpg Somewhere Paris Hilton is plotting in her secretly diabolical and surprisingly quite capable mind, figuring out just how to procure steel bars and just-add-water gruel and clearing a space in the darkest corner of her basement to erect her very own jail cell. And one day Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan will both seemingly disappear, only to be discovered after Paris, sweaty and mad-eyed, stumbles out of her house mumbling, "23 days. 23 days. 23 days. Those bitches need to pay. Mmmwahaha!" more »
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August 07, 2007

Jail Made Paris Rashy

paris hilton goes to trial.jpg Paris Hilton is such a sensitive, wilting little flower that she couldn't stand the harsh conditions in jail, like those horrible, horrible bed linens you always hear stories about. They're polyester blend! The prison laundry doesn't even use fabric softener! We hear Paris's people are planning a horror film about it as we speak. People dug up the hard-hitting facts from Paris's mommy:
For Kathy Hilton, the toughest part about daughter Paris Hilton's being in jail – and on the other side of the glass partition that separated them during visits – was "seeing the rashes on her arms and face from the thin sheets."

Equally difficult, Hilton, 48, tells PEOPLE after a screening of The Kingdom in Southampton, N.Y., was witnessing the correctional facility's guards physically pulling her 26-year-old daughter away after one visit, "grabbing her under the arm" – and then seeing the words "L.A. County" printed on the back of Paris's jail jumpsuit.
That's funny, Paris didn't seem to be red and blotchy when she was released from Lynwood. Maybe Paris contracted one of those afflictions that only a mother can see--due to her deep and lasting love, of course. Plus, we're pretty sure Paris is well versed in the care of mysterious rashes. She did screw Joe Francis, after all.
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July 27, 2007

The Simple Life Goes to Jail, Part II

richie_court_maddenjpg.jpgHere we have Nicole Richie and her crap-pop beau Joel Madden on their way to a funeral. A funeral for Nicole's freedom! Haw haw! She was just sentenced for her December 2006 DUI. TMZ gives us the skinny (get it? get it?):
A court commissioner sentenced Richie, represented by uber-lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley, to serve four days in the City or County Jail (her choice!) -- she got credit for one day, based on the six hours she served after being busted. So when she goes back in to the pokey, she'll only serve three days.

Richie was also fined $2,048, was ordered back to school for an alcohol education course and on three years probation.

Richie must report to serve her time by September 28.
So Paris gets 45 days for driving on an expired license, while Nicole gets 5 days for driving the wrong way on the freeway all zorked up on goofballs and the weed? What a world. Anyway, we're forgetting the real prisoner here. And that's the poor fetus trapped in the organ-grippingly tight jail that is Nicole Richie's womb. Right now he's sitting in there, sadly dragging a tin cup across the bars that hold him. Some might call them "ribs". We call them "oppression". more »
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July 24, 2007

Lindsay Lohan: Twice Busted Once High, Baby

Lindsay_lohan_coke.jpgLately we've been very excited about Lindsay Lohan's re-expanding bust. Today, she has even more bust to be jazzed over. And that's another DUI and cocaine possession bust. And as it turns out--and we know, this is weird--that alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet she's been voluntarily wearing? It didn't really monitor anything. It was actually probably an ankle flask, with its reserves filled with refreshing, icy mudslides. more »
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July 02, 2007

Paris Hilton Wears Bikini, Talks Backwards

paris hilton bikini squat.jpg We're pretty sure there was a time when the sight of Paris Hilton in a bikini was exciting or interesting or boner inducing. We're just having a really hard time (and, no, we didn't mean it in that way) remembering such an era. But perhaps you are not as sexually desensitized as we are (we blame Britney's shorn clam for turning us into an unarousable Morrissey-like sadsack), in which case, please, enjoy the site of an ex-convict in a bikini! Oh, and if that doesn't do it for you, you can also learn what spoooky hidden messages were contained in Paris's Larry King interview. more »
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June 26, 2007

Paris Is Free! As Free As the Wind! Fly, Little Sparrow, Fly!

free_paris.jpgIf, this morning, you woke up with a feeling of general unease, and for some strange reason felt like a small tit might fall out of a dress somewhere near your person, or that you were mere seconds away from hearing a small, breathy voice chant, "I got fucked in the butt for coke", it wasn't your imagination--Paris Hilton was freed from jail. Hollyscoop reports:
Dressed casually in dark denim and a short-sleeved top, Paris made no statement but she was obviously ecstatic as she walked down a paparazzi-lined path to a waiting car where she was hugged by mom Kathy.

The Hiltons left quickly towards their exclusive Bel Air mansion but were followed by several vehicles full of paparazzi's. There's no word yet on what Paris actually did on her first night as a free woman.
We're no experts, but we think she did some shirtless swimming, running, and soldier-taunting, possibly in crisp white pantaloons. Who knows, man, we're baked.

UPDATE: along with shoe polish tattoos and homosexual experimentation, another popular prison pastime is pencil drawings. Here's one Paris made for TMZ.com, which looks a lot like the art our 10-year-old cousin does, only with 95% less Bratz.

Paris_Jail_TMZ_art.jpg


more »
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CNW Junk Drawer: Outrageous and Delusional

Christina_Aguilera_Pregnant_Tits.jpg• If Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (Drunken Stepfather)

• I know why the caged Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (FemaleFirst)

• What will Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (Yeeeah!)

• While Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (Hollywood Backwash)

• A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's Clay Aiken! (ONTD)

• Once upon a time, Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (Derek Hail)

• Germany has banned Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (Celebrity Hack)

• Hef: the Movie. (Hollywood Grind)

• V.I.L.E. henchmen Timberlake and Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (FemaleFirst)

• Michael Lohan claims that Mama Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child, Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (Celebitchy)
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June 22, 2007

"Yaaayyyy, Thanks for the Jail!"

paris_hilton_venus.jpgWith the wincing, shivering demeanor of an abused puppy, Paris Hilton called in to Ryan Seacrest's radio show and bowed and scraped and cried,
"I'm much more grateful for everything that I have, even just to have a pillow at night or food. In a way, I'm really glad this happened, because it changed my life forever. I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it. Frankly, I'm sick of it. I want to use my fame in a good way. I feel like I can't wait to start a new chapter of my life. It feels really great even though I really don't like it here."
1. You just now realized that the media mocks you? Just now? After we've all seen and heard you use racial slurs and let your hoo-ha hang out and watched your own pets turn on you? Just now?
2. How long before Buddha Hilton forgets this humility and is only grateful for food flown in directly from its source via solid platinum private jet and pillows made from the feathers of fledgling bald eagles? more »
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June 20, 2007

Nicole Richie Needs to Look up Definition of "Not Guilty"

nicole richie mugshot DUI.jpg Nicole Richie better start stuffing cotton batting up her cooch to enhance that "feel sorry for me, I'm pregnant" look, cause girl's going to trial for her DUI charge. Currently someone at the E! network is packing their Dr. 90210 bobble head and their customized stationary into a sad little box and looking for a new gig for failing to land Nicole and Paris concurrent sentences and secure in-cell filming rights for The Simple Life Goes to Jail. more »
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June 19, 2007

Paris Hilton: Loved by Walls, Hated by Neighbors

paris hilton mugshot 2.jpg We here at CelebNewsWire make it a priority to know our readers. For instance, we know that you like boobies. Big ones, little ones, symmetrical ones, deformed ones. You like them fully exposed, partially exposed, slipping out of a too loose top, glimpsed beneath semi-sheer gowns. Because of our vast knowledge of our readership, we can also tell exactly what you are doing at this very second. You are biting into an apple cruller, thinking about dunking it into your lukewarm and too bitter coffee, and contemplating the existence of Paris Hilton, how she spends her days in jail, her feelings for her family, what her home life will be like once she's released from that state correctional facility. And now you're staring in awe at your computer screen thinking, "Holy shit, they can see me. The bastards are watching me; and they know I have fake Dakota Fanning porn on my computer!" And now you are using your keyboard to smash your monitor and preparing to run like hell. Yeah, we know you. more »
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June 15, 2007

Nicole Richie Gains an Ounce, Blames Semen

nicole richie pregnant.jpg Usually when we see pictures of celebs wearing blousy shirts to hide their bloated stomachs we tend to believe that they've just stuffed themselves full of a carne asada burrito, half a dozen jalapeno poppers, three baskets of chips, and a pitcher of margaritas. But as we're talking about Nicole Richie here, and that approximates 2007's entire dietary consumption, tex-mex bloat is not the likely culprit. So could she actually be pregnant? We think we learned something in eighth-grade health class about needing to menstruate to get knocked up, and we're pretty sure Nicole hasn't caught a crimson wave in at least three years. So the only logical explanation here is that Nicole has landed a role in the movie mash up Alien vs. Arthur, in which a soused and slurring Arthur (with Colin Farrell filling in for the late Dudley Moore) tries to defeat the alien living inside of Nicole's stomach by pickling it in vodka. Yes, that's gotta be it. But on the off change that Nicole is carrying a fetal faux punk in her teensy tiny womb, it'll totally get her out of going to jail. Humanity sure is lucky that Paris Hilton didn't come up with that strategy first. more »
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June 14, 2007

Paris Hilton Parties After Hours with Plastic Surgeon

paris_wonk_eye.jpg Paris Hilton is officially out of sick bay and back in the general population at Lynwood Correctional Facility, where she is surely learning such skills as home tattooing and how to fashion lipstick out of menstrual blood. But even more interesting to us is the fact that, during those precious few hours she was out on house arrest, a plastic surgeon was summoned to her home. According to US Weekly:
In the early morning hours of Friday, June 8, Paris Hilton was paid a visit by a man who, while walking out of Hilton's home at 4 a.m., confirmed to an X17 cameraman that he was her doctor.

Usmagazine.com can report that the man was, in fact, Dr. Steven Hoefflin, a renowned cosmetic surgeon, who has been dubbed "the plastic surgeon to the stars."

The doctor was also spotted at the courthouse on June 8, when he interrupted Hilton's hearing in order to submit a document to Judge Michael Sauer. When Hilton's lawyer was asked for an explanation, he told the judge, "[Hoefflin] has treated my client but has no authority to speak on the case."
If we were freshly freed from prison, our plastic surgeon would be pretty low on the list of important persons to whom we'd grant access, especially at 4 in the morning. The only logical explanation is that Paris's wonk-eye is actually a parasitic twin that is constantly trying to ease its way down the side of her cheek to make its escape from glittery bronze tyranny, and the good doctor must constantly inject it with magic antidote to keep it in line. Yup, we've weighed all the possible options to explain the surgeon's presence--family friend? Pshaw! Drug maintenance? Preposterous!--and it's gotta be parasitic eye twin. more »
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June 12, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: What a Luffoon

britney_priceless.jpg• Britney Spears. Her butt. Your face. (TMZ)

• No phrase sends quivers of ecstasy up the male spine wiener quite like "Kelly Brook bikini photoshoot". (Hollywood Tuna)

• Paris is suffering from ADD and claustrophobia. BFD, our cousin Cheyenne is suffering from impetigo and chronic fatigue and she's still in jail. (The Blemish)

• An improvement on that boring Sopranos finale. (Cityrag)

• Justin Timberlake was traumatized filming Black Snake Moan sex scenes with Christina Ricci. "The sex scene was pretty hot," he said. "I’m not going to say it doesn’t feel weird pretending to fuck someone in front of a man with a sound boom, though.” That would be weird indeed, and very unlike our usual practice of fucking a man from the front with his sound boom.(Derek Hail)

• Like a white trash phoenix covered in bong resin rising from a pile of busted lawnmowers, Federspears: the Union might be r