CelebNewsWire

Geri Halliwell's Ass Is Swell

2008-12-01T16:37:48Z

Poor Ginger Spice. In the '90s she got all the attention, what with her sexy curves and all that stuff that people with penises seem to enjoy. But now no one pays much attention to her. She didn't marry a hunky football star. She doesn't have rock-hard half-coconut-shell boobs. She's not BFFs with Katie Holmes. Poor Ginge. Sometimes the lack of attention gets to her and she has to lash out, do something to make the public take notice. Like name her baby Bluebell Madonna. But that's sort of worn off by now, and no one's looking at Geri anymore. What to do, what to do? We know! Why not cut out a portion of the seat of her dress and replace it with a mesh window? Nice. But for modesty's sakeor in case she finds herself needing to take a seat on a rain-soaked bus benchwe hope Geri had the forethought to install some mini blinds.

Keep Sparkly Things Away from Winona Ryder

2008-12-01T16:17:03Z

Winona Ryder's life is kind of like the Great Muppet Caper. Lots of jewel-stealing, but unfortunately not a lot of Miss Piggies on motorcycles coming through windows. After her shoplifting arrest several years ago, Winona's been on the straight and narrow. Until the last couple of weeks, which have been marred by on tranqs on a plane and "accidentally" "misplacing" some borrowed diamonds. The NY Post socks it to us:

Sticky-fingered actress Winona Ryder mysteriously lost a diamond-encrusted bracelet and ring worth more than $125,000, according to a published report.

Ryder told Bulgari jewelers that she misplaced their gems, which had been out on loan, after wearing them at a Marie Claire bash in Madrid on Sunday, according to the French celebrity-news magazine Voici.

The "Girl, Interrupted" star - convicted in 2002 of shoplifting in Beverly Hills - claimed she lost the precious stones after handing them in an envelope to her hotel's front desk for safe keeping.

But Voici reported no hotel surveillance cameras captured Ryder giving the jewels to front-desk personnel. Bulgari has asked police in Madrid to investigate, according to Voici. A representative for the actress did not return phone and e-mail messages seeking comment last night.

Jared's countrywide are on high alert and have stocked their stores with scripts of Xanax as a preventative measure.

John Travolta Gave It to American Gigolo and Forrest Gump

2008-12-01T15:55:22Z

John Revolta thinks he's so damn special. "I'm a big-wig Scientologist, I'm a movie stahhhh, I'm a precious little snowflake." If it weren't for him, Richard Gere and Tom Hanks would be nowhere. Nowhere, he tells you! Reports MSNBC:

For all his successes, John Travolta has some career regrets.

Among them, turning down lead roles in "Chicago" ("I wasn't all that in to the stage show," he says) and he also says, "Green Mile I probably should have said yes to, and 'An Officer and a Gentleman'. But I gave Richard Gere and Tom Hanks a career! What you turn down can be a gift to someone else. There is enough to go around."

Travolta might have an argument with Gere, whose only really big film prior to "An Officer and a Gentleman" was "American Gigolo."

But Hanks? The "Green Mile" hit theaters in 1999. Pretty sure Hanks' career was awfully solid at that point.

No, no, no, you misunderstood him, lady. He didn't say "I gave Richard Gere and Tom Hanks a career." He said "I gave Richard Gere and Tom Hanks my rear." That makes so much more sense.

Jessica Simpson Is the Hit of the VFW

2008-12-01T15:41:52Z

B 13. B 13. O 62. O 62. O 59. O 59. BINGOOOOooooooh these boots were made fer walkin' (jiggle jiggle) and that's jest what they'll do (jiggle jiggle). Etc.

Once, Jessica Simpson was the cock of the walk, with the reality show and the holiday family spectacular and the biggest yoinkers in Hollywood. And now she's playing casinos and bingo halls. Like Donnie Iris and Rick Springfield! OK! mag reports:

From stadiums to bingo halls, Jessica Simpsons performance venues have apparently slid towards the less-than-glamorous: Bingo regulars at the 2,500-capacity San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, Calif., had to go elsewhere for their game on Nov. 13 when she performed there.

The halls florescent lighting, dirty carpet and fried-food odor is a far cry from the venues J-Simp played back when her album In This Skin sold 7 million copies.

Jessicas dressing room at the bingo hall was a little larger than a broom closet, an insider tells OK! Theres an iron, but no ironing board. Theres not even a fridge!

Beyonce can throw fits if there's Veuve instead of Cristal in her dressing room, and Mariah Carey can demand the backstage be lined ceiling to floor in dusty rose velvet, but Jessica is lucky if she can get a Tetley tea bag and a Whitman's sampler. How far the mighty have fallen.

Happy Thanksgiving from CNW

2008-11-27T15:00:19Z

CNW will be on hiatus until Monday, when we'll be blogging from a large Tupperware container of dark meat, rubbing our lower half in gelatinized refrigerated gravy. In the meantime, there are several things you can to do tide yourself over.

1. Visit any or all of our buddies over there in our blogroll. Over there. On the right. Aren't those people nice? We're sure at least one of them is blogging because they have no family and no one to love them.

2. Check out our Twitter. We might be Twittering, depending on how much Wild Vines is flowing at the family supper.

3. We made this Blingee for you. You can look at it until Monday.

Kate Moss Viciously Attacked by Christmas Decorations

2008-11-26T16:30:02Z

Kate Moss and boyfriend Jamie Hince have a wonderful explanation for why they're covered in cuts and bruises: it was all thanks to a "Christmas decoration accident." Thanks, guys. The next time we get caught up in a nasty domestic assault, when the cops show up we'll forgo the usual "I walked into a door" and tell the officers that we were just doing some lovely holiday decorating when there was an unfortunate accident. Brilliant. Take it away Daily Mail:

Kate Moss and boyfriend Jamie Hince played down some mysterious cuts and bruises saying it was a 'Christmas decoration accident.'

The supermodel arrived at the Christmas lights switch-on at Stella McCartneys Mayfair shop on Monday with The Kills guitarist Hince, with scrapes down her cheek, while Hince was sporting a black eye.

But as eyebrows were raised among the other guests, they quashed any rumours by saying it was the result of a bizarre accident involving holly and baubles.

The injuries did not stop party girl Moss, 34,enjoying the bash.

A fellow guest said: 'Jamie and Kate couldnt stop chuckling when people gingerly asked about their injuries.

'He said he was on a ladder and she was waiting at the bottom for him to pass down the boxes of decorations.

'But he lost his grip on one and heavy decorations landed on their heads.'

This is some serious shit right here. Obviously we are on the brink of an inanimate object uprising. Soon Kate's flat iron will clamp its hot little jaws around her wrist, and while she screams in pain, a box of safety pins will go right for her eyes while the blow dryer wraps its cord around her neck. And after the toilet becomes Kate's master, no one will be safe.

CNW Junk Drawer: Twilight One Up for Me

2008-11-26T16:19:09Z

Twilight mania's at an all time high! And so is star Kristen Stewart. (ONTD)

Chelsea Handler may be posing nude for Playboy, because she's so popular and everyone likes her show, right? (Yeeeah!)

Pete Wentz tries to explain his and Ashlee's choice of the name Bronx Mowgli. "We're retarded" is a good start. (Pop on the Pop)

Mariah Carey refused to drink a glass of champagne. In the celebrity bump watch world, that's pretty much on the same level as the baby crowning. (Anything Hollywood)

Dita von Teese naked in German Playboy. That isn't much of a teese. (Celebitchy)

Average joes weigh in: who'd you most like to see in a lesbian scene? The answers may astound you. (Mr. Skin)

Megan Fox claims that she looks like Ted Nugent in a wig. Wang dang! Sweet poontang. (Digital Spy)

Even more photos of Britney Spears looking hot hot hooootttttttttt in Rolling Stone. Hooooootttttt. Hot. (Allie Is Wired)

Cleavage-bearing Rihanna in her usual robo-Gene Simmons wear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Karolina Kurkova's missing belly button: another mystery solved. Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown! (CelebWarship)

Natalie Portman Says: "No Sex? No Thanks."

2008-11-26T15:58:47Z

Hey all you nuns out there (what, didn't you know, nuns love CelebNewsWire), Natalie Portman just doesn't understand you. Why don't you get over yourselves and fuck somebody already? What's the deal? It's not like you're going to go to Hell for a little porking, right? Am I right? Oh, wait, I'm wrong. They will go to Hell. Somebody better tell that to Natalie Portman. Page Six dishes this story about Natalie's confusion over the whole concept of celibacy:

SOME roles just don't suit Natalie Portman. At the junket for the film version of his "Doubt," playwright John Patrick Shanley was asked how Amy Adams won the role of an emotionally conflicted nun. "I'm trying to think of what the etiquette is on this," Shanley chuckled, blushing a bit. Urged on by a blogger for gossipsauce.com, he continued, "Well, we asked Natalie Portman, and Natalie was very interested but kept saying she had a problem. And we finally nailed down as to what the problem was. She basically said she didn't understand celibacy."

We were totally on board with Natalie's sentiments at first. We mean, geesh, nunswhat a bunch of prudes. But then we stumbled upon this photo and it was all clear. Nuns don't need orgasms to have a good time, they've got the ocean! Wheeee!

Lindsay Lohan Gets BUSTed Guzzling Booze and Nuzzling Cooze

2008-11-26T15:43:28Z

As we all know, Lindsay Lohan is a sober non-lesbian. The kind of sober non-lesbian who chugs vodka and frenches her girlfriend on video. She's so delightfully complex! We're in vacation mode with visions of brined bird on the brain, so we'll let Inside Edition take over and tell the tale.

OK, so technically YES, the girl with the substance abuse problem is falling off the wagon here, but let's focus on more important things. Like the fact that she's also kissing a lady, and her breasts look exquisite. We're pretty sure Lindsay could burn down an orphanage and the judge would be like, "Ms. Lohan, you did send 300 innocent children to an unspeakably painful death, but by God, your rack is sublime. I'll let you off with a warning. Just don't do it again, young lady. Unless you do it in a wet T-shirt."

Amy Winehouse Does Amy Winehouse-Like Stuff

2008-11-25T16:56:33Z

She's bankrupted several small to medium sized South American countries due to her insatiable hunger for opiates, yet Amy Winehouse keeps going. She's like the Energizer Bunny of crack. Except instead of being covered in cute pink fuzz, she's covered in weeping chancres, and instead of carrying a large drum, she carries a glass pipe that she clanks against a frosty mug of beer, baring her terrifying chops to scream, "Barkeep! Bring me anovver, luv! And this toime, put some ketamine in it!" OK, similes over, the lady went to the hospital on Sunday. Go tell it on the mountain, Yeeeah!:

A source close to the troubled singer said: [She and Blake] had a screaming row. She was beside herself after the call and she just totally lost it. [The bender afterward] didnt stop until she was [seizing] on the floor on Sunday.

Amys spokesman confirmed she was taken to hospital on Sunday but claimed she had a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.

Oh! Legal medicine prescribed by a physician! Well OK then.

Hey There, Stranger, Where You Been?

2008-11-25T16:34:46Z

We figured we needed something gentle to the eye to balance out the Heidi and Spencer and the vision of a bloated, glue-white Michael Jackson lying with his barber shop pole penis hanging loose, drinking gravy with a straw like it was a scorpion bowl at Madame Wong's. So here's Britney Spears on the cover of next month's Rolling Stone. Yeah, if you'd have told us a year ago that we'd be posting a modern picture of Britney to titillate, we would have fallen off our chair. Then again, with the distressed stonewash jeans, the promise of Drew Barrymore, Mickey Rourke, and Biggie Smalls on the cover, and the fact that it's Rolling Stone, it may as well be the 1990s.

These Two Prats Are Officially Pratts

2008-11-25T15:56:28Z

We promised ourselves and you, our most honorable readers, that we would never write about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. But the two crazy kids done went and got theyself married, so we're breaking our promise. We'll let US do the dirty work:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 19, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue (the published date of Thursday, Nov. 20 was misreported). See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

That's funny, because the minute we heard this story, we couldn't stop dry heaving and shitting uncontrollably.

Let us never speak of them again.

Michael Jackson's Super Delicious Gravy Diet

2008-11-25T15:54:46Z

If there's one thing we've always said about Michael Jackson, it's that he knows how to celebrate. Around Halloween time there were always stories about Neverland getting all decked out, complete with an over-the-top haunted house where neighborhood boys would enter a super spooky darkened room and get the pants literally scared off of them by prodding hands attached to hidden bodies. There was even a hand-painted sign outside decreeing "No Girls Allowed" with a backwards R, just like a super secret clubhouse that you never, ever tell anyone about. Especially cops or your parents. And now, just in time for Thanksgiving, Jacko is getting in the holiday spirit by adhering to a gravy diet. Festive. Reports our own Pilgrim gossip guide, FemaleFirst:

Michael Jackson is said to be living on a diet of gravy, painkillers and biscuits.

The cash-strapped star - who settled a £4.7 million court case against Sheikh Abdulla Al-Khalifa at the weekend - is apparently surviving on the bizarre diet after his spending habits spiralled out of control.

Jackson's financial woes are said to be a result of him blowing £1 billion on luxuries such as a Ferrari car and the entire stock from antiques shops and comic book stores he has visited.

Sources close to the 'Thriller' singer say he is a "millionaire who lives like a billionaire".

However, the 50-year-old's family lawyer Brian Oxman insists the star is in excellent health and is not struggling financially.

He said: "Michael is in excellent financial shape. We should all be so fortunate to have his problems.

"He lives a pretty simple lifestyle these days. The extravagances are in the past. He is very low-key, but he is happy and doing well."

Most celebrity diets don't appeal to us. Billy Bob Thornton's insistence on only consuming orange food? Amusing, but not overly delicious. Carrots and sweet potatoes can get pretty boring. But biscuits and gravy? Yum. Truckers have been living on that diet for decades, and they're all dead sexy, right? Maybe MJ should start taking cues from truck drivers for all his decisions. Becoming a frequent caller to the Rush Limbaugh show, showering at Petro, picking up lot lizards. That last one would probably do him some good, actually.

This Day in Ridiculous Celebrity Eyewear

2008-11-24T17:08:27Z

Remember Kanye West's dumbass sunglasses? The ones that must've brought back fond memories of peeping through Venetian blinds at a naked neighbor lady because why the fuck else would he wear something so idiotic? Those don't look so stupid now, do they? Thanks, Beyoncé. But we're a bit concerned about you, darling. You've basically put a couple dozen metal spikes on your face. If you move in the wrong way, you'll look like you lost a head-butting fight with Pinhead. For your own safety, please, next time take a cue from Rihanna. A bejeweled eye patch is just a more sensible choice.

Edie Britt + Joe Dirt = Luv

2008-11-24T16:52:58Z

When one's last long term beau is Michael Bolton, there's nowhere to go but up. Or so you'd think. Impossibly hardbodied Desperate Housewife Nicollette Sheridan has traded the luscious steel wool locks of Mr. Bolton for the hightlighted Goo Goo Dollsian shag of . . . David Spade. OK! dishes it:

Even though Nicolette Sheridan and David Spade have yet to verbally confirm that theyre a couple, the pair let their body language do the talking on Friday night.

The Desperate Housewives star was celebrating her 45th birthday at new L.A. hot spot Luau in Beverly Hills the same place they were spotted together a few weeks ago at the grand opening and onlookers tell OK!, Nicolette and David were full-on making out!

The duo arrived separately and even started the dinner at separate booths but couldnt resist each other for long! According to witnesses, Spade winked at Sheridan and stood at her side while she blew out the candles on her cake. After that, the two retreated to a booth where they cuddled and kissed.

Out of all the Saturday Night Live alumni, who would have guess that Spade would end up the #1 cocksman pulling quality trim like Heather Locklear and Nicollette. Next, Joe Piscopo will starting dating Jessica Alba and we'll see Jennifer Aniston sharing spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style with Rich Hall. Who will write a Sniglet about it. "Slurpghetti: (n) when you're slurping spaghetti with the star of Friends and then you kiss the star of Friends P.S. I'M BANGING JENNIFER ANISTON THE STAR OF FRIENDS", it will read.

Tip Marcia over and pour her out [Flickr]

2008-10-02T16:56:01-05:00

CelebNewsWire posted a photo:

Liz catches a few winks [Flickr]

2008-10-02T16:56:00-05:00

CelebNewsWire posted a photo:

Amy got a private itch [Flickr]

2008-10-02T16:55:59-05:00

CelebNewsWire posted a photo:

Ref: SPL52012 250908
Picture by: Gotcha Images / Splash News

Splash News and Pictures
Los Angeles: 310-821-2666
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photodesk@splashnews.com

Pam sure does like white guys [Flickr]

2008-10-02T16:55:59-05:00

CelebNewsWire posted a photo:

Kim K or Real Doll? [Flickr]

2008-10-02T16:55:58-05:00

CelebNewsWire posted a photo: