filed under: Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan is fast becoming the new Papa Joe Simpson. Actually, scratch that. Hulk has surpassed Pops Simp. At least--and this is probably the first sort-of-nice thing we've ever said about him--Joe didn't ditch his wife to hook up with some young'un who looks just like Jessica. Fox News brings us a tale about Hulk keeping a close watch on Brooke in a bikini getting ogled by Maxim's cameras:

Hulk Hogan makes no secret of the fact that he's ultra-protective of his 20-year-old daughter, Brooke Hogan, but he took things one step further when he turned up to her sexy magazine shoot for men's magazine Maxim in April, a source told Pop Tarts.

The July issue features the blonde beauty with a "come hither" expression as she's poised on beachside rocks in a bikini top with her tight jeans undone.

An insider told Pop Tarts that Hulk's appearance was a surprise to those on the set, and that he came to supervise and ensure his baby girl didn't flash too much flesh. But judging by the super-sexy outcome, we don't know how pleased daddy will be.

But Brooke claims that's just how daddies show their love, along with massaging Coppertone into daughter dearest's plump, womanly butt cheeks. Of those now legendarily creepy pics, Brooke defends old pops by saying:

I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car. He used to change my diaper!

Ah, diapers! That's the key to this mystery. Hulk isn't a perv; he just has a fetish for rubbing slippery substances onto human butts. Johnson's baby oil for the infants, SPF 30 for the grown-ups. We just don't want to know how far that fetish can be pushed when the recipient didn't spring from his DNA.



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When the most exciting stories involve people with the last name "Hogan", you know it's a bleak day for gossip. For all you Hulkamaniacs out there: last night Hulk Hogan went on Larry King to discuss his son Nick being jailed for a drag race/car accident that turned Nick's best friend John Graziano into a vegetable. Instead of saying, "My son is a dingbat" or "I'm a terrible parent" or "it was all an unfortunate accident," the Hulkster said that the accident was God's will:

“This is in God’s hands. I believe things happen for a reason. This is to make Nick a better person. In my belief, this is to make John a better person.”

Wow, God must have really thought John Graziano was an asshole if he confined him to a bed, a feeding tube, and a catheter for the rest of his life. Hitler gets off with a painless cyanide death with his foxy mistress by his side and a 22-year-old former Marine gets Shiavoed. Screw you, God.

God also, apparently, hates Brooke Hogan. Because not only did He hook up her father with her best friend, but now He's made a love connection between mom Linda Hogan and a 19-year-old who looks eerily like Nick Hogan.

Not everyone approves of Hollywood cougars—least of all their cubs. Brooke Hogan’s reaction to her 48-year-old mom, Linda, dating someone 29 years her junior? “I’m totally freaked out,” she told E! satellite radio personality Michael Yo during a conversation the two had off air.

“I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.”

The Hulkster’s daughter also confirmed that mom’s man-child, Charley Hill, 19, was a classmate of hers and her jailed brother, Nick. “I went to school with him. He was a grade under me…Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school).”

Cripes, Linda. Down, girl. We accept the fact that all Hogans only sleep with people who have curiously white and flowing locks, but at least go for someone older than your children. How about Edgar Winter? Or Santa Claus. more »

• Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)

• Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)

• Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)

• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)

• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)

• Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)

• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)

You might think that being a Hogan is a walk in the park, starting your day with some Anabolic Steroid Flakes (now with even more delicious anabolic steroids!), counting your mountain of cash, calling up Captain Lou Albano for some laughs and warm memories over a nice crudité platter, and then retiring to your palatial Florida estate to relax, palomino mane aflow, crushing open walnuts with your lats. But you'd be wrong, friends, wrong. The life of Hulk Hogan is arduous and full of pain. He tells People:

“I had some crazy days, and some things that caught me off guard,” the former wrestler and star of VH-1’s Hogan Knows Best, 54, admitted at an American Gladiators press gathering. “[I’m] riding the highs, surviving the lows, and leaning into the wind. It’s all an attitude thing to me. Being positive and knowing that things are going to get better.” After son Nick, 17, was involved in a car accident last summer in which the passenger still remains in critical condition, “My main concern in life is my son, and his situation with the boy in the car,” says Hogan. “Everything seems to be getting better in that situation.”

To which the press replied, "Really? Aren't you also concerned about Brooke?" And Hulk looked really confused and said, "Yes, that's what I just said. My main concern in my life is my son."

• Jennifer Love Hewitt is the new Kardashian. Bla-DOW! (The Blemish)

• Flash go the cameras, and out winks the Halle Berry cotton cheek-splitter. (Taxi Driver)

• Brendan Fraser got his head replanted for the winter. (Cityrag)

• Something something about the Hogans . . . something divorce, lawsuit something something-or-other? Oh, whatever. You'd never see the Iron Sheik in this embarrassing position. (Derek Hail)

• Vintage Cindy Crawford--before the Pepsi commercial, before the Gere, back when Aaron Neville face goober was but a freckle on the horizon. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse has cancelled all her tour dates. Her doctor cites "the rigors involved in touring" and "emotional strain" as the reasons. Which sound like legitimate medical excuses, right up there with "the vapors" and "consumption" and "the grippe". (The Hollywood Gossip)

• "Greetings and salutations. My eyebrows are on top of my skull." (Dlisted)

• Eva Green is a gorgeous gothick angel sent from crazy Joan Collins style heaven and placed upon this earth to teach us all about beauty and love and eyeliner. (Lainey Gossip)

• Face it--you're never going to touch Jessica Alba. So instead, set your sights on her slightly more attainable stunt double! (Daily Stab)

Reporting on Hulk Hogan's son Nick being seriously injured in a car accident is probably the right thing to do, since it's big news in Gossiptown today. But when have we ever had any sort of journalistic integrity? Do you refer to us as "Celeb 'Scoop' Newswire"? You don't. Do you see a paper with "press" stuck in our fedora? You don't. Our business is show business, baby, and showbiz ain't drag racing in Florida with the Hulkster's progeny. Besides, Nick is going to be OK--or, as OK as someone can be with a mahogany-colored dad. Godspeed, Nick Hogan, we toast your recovery with these shots of Jennifer Aniston in a groin-sweatingly skimpy bikini, coming dang near close to flashing her clam cleave. Look upon these images and be revived. Come away from the light. You too, Owen Wilson.

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We figured you were growing a little tired of seeing picture after picture after picture of corporeally-gifted starlets with their jiggle-free hardbodies poured into gossamer little bikinis, so we're mixing it up a little and offering a new take on the old bikini picture post. Behold! Hulk Hogan in a pair of fluorescent chartreuse grape-smugglers!



He looks like a photo negative of Juan Valdez. more »