filed under: Hugh Hefner

• Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (The Blemish)

• Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)

• Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)

• Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)

• Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)

• Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)

• In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)

• Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)

• Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)

• Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)

Purveyor of awesome pop hits (seriously) Miley Cyrus continues to barrel headlong down that Slip n' Slide into young Hollywood debauchery. Recently she stated that she doesn't see the big deal about the behavior of her peers, saying,

"Everyone has their time. And I think most 21- to 25-year-olds go through this kind of thing. Basically, they're being normal 21-year-olds, especially Lindsay (Lohan). I mean, most of that's pretty normal. If you went to most high schools, I could point out Britneys (Spears) and Lindsays."

Most 21- to 25-year-olds do go to rehab after crashing their luxury SUV into a tree while under the influence of cocaine and/or get involuntarily institutionalized after refusing to give up their children to their shants-and-cornrow-sporting ex-husband, yes. True, Miley.

In other Hannah Montana news, Hugh Hefner said that when Miley turns eighteen, he would be happy to feature her in Playboy. The old reprobate! Sez Hef:

"She would be welcomed in the magazine. She's a very pretty lady."

Then Hef leaned forward and said, "Very pretty! Prettier'n Betty Grable, even! Boy howdy, I tell you what. I would pin that Cyrus dame's pinup to the dash of my Packard any old time, I would I would. Then I could look at her whenever I was driving down to the mixer to get some leg. Here, have a Werther's Original." Because he's old, see.

We know Hugh Hefner has a reputation to maintain as a world-class perv, but we're guessing what he really wanted for his 82nd birthday was a warm housecoat, some yummy strained peas, and a Matlock box set. Instead what he got was Pam Anderson waving her MagicTanned bald beaver in his face. Hopefully his cataracts prevented him from seeing more than an aura of orange rubber. Page Six tells the tale of Hef's very special day:

HUGH Hefner got an early birthday surprise the other night when he and girlfriend Holly Madison entered his penthouse at the Palm in Vegas to be greeted by Pamela Anderson, who was stark naked except for a pair of high heels. "She was holding a cake, walked over to him, tussled his hair and wished him happy birthday. Hef couldn't believe it," one Playboy insider told us. "Pam wasn't paid to do it, she just wanted to show her love for Hef." The girly-mag czar turns a spry 82 today.

Is Hef the horniest man to ever walk the earth? Shouldn't his dick have fallen off from exhaustion about fifteen years ago? Or is he living on a constant cocktail of Adderall and Viagra? Perhaps he had a steel pole installed in his wang so he wouldn't have to go through the trouble of getting it up the old fashioned way. One of his rotating cast of girlfriends could just climb on while he's taking a nap. more »

First we're going to assault your brain with a concept that will infest its every corner, forever poisoning you against another hazily-lit pictorial of a fake-boobed blonde partially covered in organza. According to The Palm Beach Post:

There could be an unusual role in Tom Cruise’s future: Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. I’m told by a SoFla-based movie insider that the 45-year-old star of Mission: Impossible and the upcoming Valkyrie is now eyeing the role of the sexual revolutionary Hef in a biopic set to start filming at Universal Pictures next year.

Miami Beach product Brett Ratner (X-Men 3 and Rush Hour 3) got the Playboy director’s job after Oliver Stone lost it and has sent the script to Cruise.

Word is that Cruise is tickled by the project, although no decision has been made.

“A lot of people consider Tom for a lot of roles,” a Cruise publicist said.

Somehow we don't think Tom's choices in characterization would fit with the pic. Unless in his private life Hugh Hefner actually screeches like a girl and yells, "Ew, boobies!" when presented with a naked lady.

And now we will assault your senses of sight and sound with the trailer for Tommy's upcoming film Let's Kill Us Some Hitler. No, that's not right. Valkyrie. It's called Valkyrie.

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."