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filed under: Howard K. Stern
September 04, 2007
Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern More than BFFs: Secret Gay Lovers
Late last week we were made giddy by the prospect of Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern (that asshole) being in cahoots. We thought that by this point in the whole Anna Nicole saga there couldn't be any more surprises, that we could see every impossible twist coming. But holy shit were we wrong. We should have been able to say, "Of course Larry and Howie were stuffing Anna's maw full of pills then stuffing their own maws full of each other's penises." We should have seen it coming. Well, next time we'll be ready. When the zombiefied body of Anna Nicole comes back to reclaim Dannielynn and all her money, we'll be expecting that one.Totally gaytastic drawing of Larry and Howard via Pretty on the Outside. more »
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August 31, 2007
Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern: Secret BFFs
There is almost nothing we love more than a juicy Hollywood conspiracy. RFK actually killed Marilyn Monroe? Sweet. Catherine Zeta-Jones is really 82 years old and being kept alive by hourly pigeon-shit injections? We'd believe it. But the best one of all may be the possibility that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern have been in cahoots the entire time! Cahoots! Outrageous! The New York Daily News reports: An angry Larry Birkhead has vowed to sue author Rita Cosby, days before an explosive tell-all is set to hit bookstores. In "Blonde Ambition," Cosby charts the convoluted custody battle between Birkhead and lawyer Howard K. Stern, who both claimed paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl, Dannielynn. And while Cosby has not released details of the book before its Sept. 4 publication, it is believed she will allege Birkhead and Stern were secretly in collusion over the child. Dannielynn, who turns 1 on Sept. 7, could inherit hundreds of millions from the estate of Smith's late husband, J. Howard Marshall. "None of it is true," Birkhead told The News' Jo Piazza yesterday. "I'm gonna sue Rita Cosby for it." In March, Birkhead acrimoniously split with his attorney Debra Opri. She later sued for allegedly unpaid fees, though Birkhead insists it is she who owes him money. Birkhead said he believes Opri was the source of documents Cosby obtained, "so I am going to be suing both Debra and Rita Cosby. The bottom line is Rita Cosby needed something to do. She got fired [from MSNBC in 2006], and nobody wanted her." Meanwhile, OK! magazine severed ties with Birkhead over the Cosby allegations. The weekly was to have featured coverage of Dannielynn's first birthday as the final part of a $1.7 million access deal. Editor Sarah Ivens said: "It breaks my heart that OK! has to pull out of [the] shoot ... but first and foremost, we care dearly about the well-being of the young one, and my moral obligation lies with her.... My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all."This makes us so giddy that we can't even think of a joke. And since Larry Birkhead and (especially) Howard K. Stern (that asshole) are jokes themselves, we think the story stands. We just have one question: If they were in it together all along, trying to create as much publicity buzz as possible to get Extra and OK! and whatnot to hand over piles of cash, why couldn't they have taken it even farther? Would it have killed them to gift us with a Jell-O wrestling match?
April 10, 2007
Still No Daddy for Dannielynn; Candy Spelling Weighs In
We have bitten our fingernails to bloody nubs, pulled out every last strand of hair, and ground our teeth down to meth-addict stumps in anticipation, but, alas, the Bahamas do not play by our rules of time and work and order. Sure, we were supposed to find out if Larry Birkhead's sperm penetrated one of Anna Nicole Smith's eggs a few hours ago, but the judge had to go smoke a doob or sacrifice a goat or whatever it is that people do in the Bahamas, so we don't know shit. If everyone involved can leave their grass huts and stop sipping Bacardi long enough to show up in court we'll know the answer sometime after 2:30 Eastern. So until then, bask in Candy Spelling's wise words of advice to Larry Birkhead: 1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.The rest of Candy's sage words can be found at TMZ, and, no, there is nothing in there about how much time you will save by having an entire room filled with wrapping paper, silk ribbons, and pastel-colored crepe paper.
UPDATE: And it's the shocker of the century as Larry Birkhead is revealed as Dannielynn's father. The whole Anna Nicole saga with the drugs and the death and the mystery and the money has been so convoluted and so full of twists that we half expected a talking kangaroo named Jimbo to emerge at the last minute as the true father. We're kind of disappointed, actually.
April 09, 2007
Dannielynn's Da-Da Revealed . . . Real Soon Now, We Promise
We don't have it in our hearts and minds and spirits to look deep inside ourselves and come up with fresh Anna Nicole Smith material, so this is just a little post-it note to let you know that tomorrow, at long, long last, the mouth swabs will be tallied Montel-style and baby Dannielynn's sirer will be revealed. Howard K. Stern (asshole) tells TMZ that if Larry Birkhead is found to be the father, Howard will not fight for custody of the beleaguered tot. Great. Thanks for that, big guy. If he did, it would be like the time that lady at the bus stop was eating a falafel but it fell on the ground so we picked it up and started eating it. And then the lady got really mad and said that it was her falafel and we said, no, no, we bought the falafel. A fight ensued and we launched into a bitter battle over the falafel. Forensics experts were brought in, and it went all the way to the Supreme Court. In the end, we were awarded custody of the falafel but by then it was riddled with mold. Actually, that story had very little to do with the custody hearing for Dannielynn, aside from the fact that both she and the falafel are deep-fried balls of crunchy chickpea goodness. Yum! more »
March 23, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith's Death Secrets Revealed!
Medical examiner Joshua Perper isn't set to announce Anna Nicole Smith's cause of death until Monday morning (according to TMZ), but that won't stop Star and The National Enquirer from telling you that they know the answers. The tabs talked to this guy who is Perper's sister-in-law's manicurist's cousin's pool boy, and he said she was bitten by a rabid helper monkey she had hired to replace Howard K. Stern. Well, they convinced us! more »
March 01, 2007
R.I.P. A.N.S.: Funeral Tomorrow
After all the legal wrangling, haggling, and scrabbling between Larry Birkhead, Virgie Arthur, and Howard K. Stern (that asshole), it has been decided that Anna Nicole Smith will finally be buried next to her son Daniel in the Bahamas tomorrow. IMDb.com reports:
Virgie Arthur challenged a ruling to bury Smith in Nassau, and her appeal was heard yesterday morning. But judges at Florida's Fourth District Court Of Appeals overruled Arthur's bid for custody of her daughter's remains late yesterday, re-awarding the corpse to attorney Richard Milstein, the legally-appointed guardian to Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. Milstein, Smith's companion Howard K. Stern and her ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead had already agreed to bury the late model in the Bahamas, her adopted home."Awarding the corpse" is such a strange turn of phrase. "Yaaay! I won!!!" But we're just glad that Anna's wishes were taken into consideration and that her body will be laid to rest next to her son. This is not the first time that Anna Nicole's body has been laid, but it will certainly be the last. Zing! Oh, we hate ourselves. more »
February 22, 2007
What, You Don't Party With YOUR Methadone Doctor?
Keeping up with Anna Nicole coverage has become, for us, a Sisyphean task. We feel like Beastmaster slowly sinking into quicksand, only we have no charming rodent cohorts to lend us a tree branch and pull us from the muck. So we're just going to pick one update and go with it today: this video of Anna getting groped and licked by her methadone-prescribing Dr. Nick, Sandeep Kapoor. Watch as Larry Birkhead stares stonily, while Howard K. Stern (asshole!) tries to intervene, and ANS shoos him away like he's a bothersome moth. Oh, Anna. If only she had heeded the words of Mötley Crüe! He's not what you'd call a glamorous man! Dr. Feelgood might be the one that makes ya feel all right, but in the end, he's gonna be your Frankenstein! more »
February 21, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Never Killed a Pot Head"
• Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Say it five times fast.• Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.
• Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?
• Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?
• Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.
• Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.
• Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!
• Or not.
• Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".
• Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.
February 20, 2007
Druggy the Clown
As we speak, Howard K. Stern (that asshole) is in court, along with embattled probable babydaddy Larry Birkhead and Anna Nicole's estranged mother Virgie Arthur, so a judge can determine ANS's final resting place. It's a sobering time and a true tragedy when people can't even come together to decide where a poor deceased woman would want to be buried. It's depressing and tragic all around. We've spent the morning sadly shaking our heads, our eyes filling with salty--HEY! LOOK! HAHAHAHAHA! FUNNY CLOWNS!Oh, wait. That wasn't funny. That was still tragic and depressing. Our b!
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February 15, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Sexy, Sexy Babies
• Anna Nicole Smith's maid claims that ANS ordered her to underfeed her daughter saying, "Ms. Marshall was obsessed with making sure that her baby was sexy." Hopefully, the maid also put Dannielynn in crotchless thong diapers. How else are you supposed to show off that Play-Doh My First Brazilian Wax®?• The maid also says that ANS tried to commit suicide "at least twice" after giving birth to Dannielynn. Where were you and your vitamins when Anna needed you, Tom Cruise, you lousy prick?
• Anna Nicole's methadone pusher calls himself an "entertainment doctor". Must . . . refrain . . . from making . . . second Patch Adams joke in a week . . .
• Anna Nicole's body is set to be released, but to her mother, or to Howard K. Stern (asshole)? At this point, they should just sell her body to Entertainment Tonight.
• Carrot Top sure has great gams!
• Keira Knightley will be naked in her next film. We called it a "film" because it sounds classy.
• Jordan still has tetherball-sized breasts, by the way. (NSFW)
• Celebrities are so plastic! Knifestyles of the rich and famous! A cut above the breast! And other charming puns!
• Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler are back together. But at what cost? Paris Hilton was brutally battered, for what?
• Oft-nude model/celebutante/daughter of Patty/granddaughter of Randolph Lydia Hearst refused to let Britney Spears have a bag she designed, because "I'm only giving the bag to accomplished young women who are doing something positive to affect the world around them. " Oh yeah? Well YOUR mom robbed a bank, Lydia. BURN!
• Paula Abdul claims that she's never been drunk or done drugs. Tell that to MC Skat Kat, baby. Tell it to the Skat Kat.
February 13, 2007
I Had Unprotected Sex with Anna Nicole and All I Got Was This Lousy Paternity Suit
Another gentleman has run, gasping, to the current events forefront, brandishing a sweaty claim ticket for poor wee Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern--Anna Nicole's onetime bodyguard/TV chef, a burly chap named Alexander Denk. Behind the cut, an update on the baby's possible sirers, though at this point, we think they should all just move into a quirky New York City loft and raise the child together. They can have a cool art-car in the middle of the apartment and Dannielynn can date Giovanni Ribisi. more »
February 09, 2007
Anna Nicole's Death Shrouded in Mystery; Vomit
Sure, we definitely feel sad about the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith. Will said sadness keep us from posting about this train wreck in a semi-humorous fashion? Nah. The conspiracy theories, drama, and rumors are multiplying like Gremlins in a hot tub, so here's a handy list of links to the highlights. Drugs! A love child! The mysterious and untimely deaths of a mother and son within five months of each other! Intrigue! Possible murder! Incest! A huge lump sum of money from a deceased horny octogenarian billionaire! Freakishly enormous fake breasts! The life and death of Anna Nicole Smith has a little bit of everything for a little bit of everyone. It's a story for the ages. Like Patch Adams!• A source tells US that “Anna looked extremely bloated when she vomited out something white before having a seizure early this afternoon. The reaction was so violent that people in the hotel thought she had some tragic food poisoning. But we were told it was a drug overdose by the people who saw it.”
• The autopsy is underway as we speak, and authorities say that a "large amount" of prescription medication was removed from her hotel room as evidence. Please note that methadone can be considered as a prescription medication . . .
• HOWEVER, authorities also found illegal narcotics.
• Further sealing her fate, Anna may have pulled a Bon Scott.
• Alleged Dannielynn sirer Larry Birkhead has updated his personal site with a few verses about Anna. And, um . . . OK, this is embarrassing but the streaming Willie Nelson song kinda made us misty. A little. Maybe. Shut up.
• But he still wants that paternity test, and how!
• Anna's last moments, on tape, for all you snuff fans.
• The wife of Mr. Trimspa gets into a Larry King referee'ed tussle with Chyna over who was Anna's BFF 4-ever.
• Perhaps neither Larry nor Howard K. Stern is Dannielynn's real father. Perhaps the real father is Anna's deceased son, Daniel. Or maybe she impregnanted herself. Like a starfish. Or aphid.
• UPDATE: Or maybe the baby's daddy isn't Larry, Howard, or Daniel but . . . Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband?!
• UPDATE II: No, says Zsa Zsa's former rep, hubby is "a chronic fabricator who likes to inject himself into current events to see himself on television." Just like John Mark Karr!
• UPDATE III: Press conference! Officials say that not only were no illegal narcotics found in the room, there were none found in Anna's system. Toxicology reports will take three to five weeks. more »
January 23, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Does Not Want to Play "Who's Your Daddy?"
The clock is ticking--Anna Nicole Smith has about 24 hours until she must submit her miracle baby Dannielynn Hope to DNA testing to determine the child's father. Dowager Anna Nicole and her lawyers are trying desperately to have the test blocked or at least pushed back, despite her insistence that lawyer/companion/barnacle Howard K. Stern is the "proud father" of Dannielynn and that they have "nothing to hide". However, faking a DNA test takes time and effort, and it's taking Anna a lot longer than she hoped, hunched over construction paper with safety scissors, mucilage, and Howard K. sperm, carefully drawing in all those funny bars with a Crayola. We haven't been this excited to find out the results of a test since eharmony.com's Personality Profile!UPDATE: TMZ.com has somehow obtained this AOL IM chat log between embittered ex-lover--and probably parents--Anna Nicole Smith and Larry Birkhead. This might mark the first time we've seen AOL users successfully express their vitriol without emoticons. Well done. more »
January 08, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith: Making Your Taz Tattoo Look Classy
Remember that guy from your high school who turned eighteen during senior year and on his birthday he spent half the day at Tattooz, thinking he was so cool and badass and that he would be worshipped in the halls for his intense coolness and huge balls? You know, the one who got Tatu from Fantasy Island on his chest, with an oversized speech bubble proclaiming "Da plane! Da plane!"? Anna Nicole Smith has finally found a way to surpass the Tatu tattoo. more »
November 01, 2006
She's Saving the Boob Job for Dannielynn's Second Birthday
In the biggest baby-endangering shocker since Solange Knowles was accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby, Anna Nicole Smith has allegedly dyed her newborn daughter's hair to make her look more like creepazoid Nightline-investigation-waiting-to-happen Howard K. Stern. Perhaps an easier route to confirming paternity would have been to tattoo "I'm a jagbag and I'll steal all your money" on the child's forehead. more »
October 06, 2006
Anna Nicole and Howard K.'s Totally Legitimate Love, Illustrated
We struggled with these pictures of Anna Nicole Smith and attorney/possible sperm doner/definite creep Howard K. Stern pledging their love and devotion in a "commitment ceremony". Lord knows our struggle. Don't post the pictures out of respect for a grieving mother, or post them cuz they're disturbing and hilarious? In the end, the fact that ANS basically had them taken so she could sell them to the highest bidder, coupled with the 1950s Barbie lashes, was the deciding factor.
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October 04, 2006
Anna Nicole's Life: Like Dynasty, But Slightly Less Believable
There have been so many new developments in the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy drama in the last 48 hours that we don't even know where to begin. At this point, the only way to get to the bottom of this is to round up ANS, Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, baby Dannilynn, and Richard Dean Anderson, put them on Maury, and do a paternity test and a drug test. Why Richard Dean Anderson, you ask? Eye candy, my friend. Eye candy. more »
September 29, 2006
We Now Pronounce You Mentally-Challenged Guess Model and Lawyer
According to most reports, Anna Nicole Smith married her slippery, slippery lawyer/self-proclaimed impregnator Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas yesterday, resplendent in a pink bikini. However, today her publicist released a colorful statement in which she asserts that the curious pair did not, in fact, marry; they simply had a "commitment ceremony". Sadly, this was not what we had in mind when we suggested that Anna and Howard needed to be committed. more »
September 27, 2006
Anna Nicole Smith's Babydaddy Revealed!
Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King last night, and dropped a bomb, announcing with much fanfare, that he is the father of Anna's infant daughter. He then whipped off his Howard K. Stern mask to reveal that he is actually Howard Stern with no "K.", and is not only Anna's lover, but also her brother! Her twin brother! And also her father! Dun-dun-DUNNNN! more »
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