filed under: Hilary Swank

• Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

• Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

• Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

• Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

• Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

• Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

• 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

• Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

• Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Get a black snake bone. Look at Christina Ricci in a bikini. (The Blemish)

• Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)

• Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)

• Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)

• Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)

• Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)

• Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)

• Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)

• Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)

Christ on a cross, there are so many pictures of female celebrities in bikinis floating around today, we don't even know what to do with ourselves today. Aside from "playing" with ourselves, but that's generally frowned upon in the workplace, which we found out when we were working the night shift at the medical examiner's office. Stupid sexy corpses.



1. Hayden Panettiere

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."

Shannon Elizabeth wears tape over her nipples and has a no-nudity clause. Hilary Swank eshews any and all nip shields and will shuck her shirt in the blink of an eye and the whirr of a camera. Guess which one is getting sued by her Neanderthal ex-mate, and which has two Oscars? (Hint: that's a trick question!) more »

Blah blah Oscars blah Crash blah gay cowboys blah blah. We watched the Oscars. We were bored silly. We have no follow-up stories to bring you other than the fact that last night, we noticed for the very first time that Hilary Swank is actually Matt Damon in a dress.

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She's won a couple of shiny statues for straddling that masculine/feminine line but will always be Steve Sanders's unwed-mother girlfriend in our minds. And he got a couple of slightly-less-important statues for pretending to have AIDS on Life Goes On, but we can't think about him without wondering if he's got a hidden copy of his brother's teen-twiddling tape. The really sad thing about the separation of Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe is that the previous two sentences were the most interesting things we could say about them. Welcome to Hollywood's most boring breakup. more »