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filed under: Hilary Duff

May 29, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Hopelessly Devoted to Food

• Britney might star in Grease on Broadway. Well, she's certainly got the "grease" part down. (Daily Stab)

• Mischa Barton is refusing to promote her t.a.t.u. movie. Wonder why. (IDLYITW)

• Thank God for Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson, for it keeps Michael Lohan in the news! (Yeeeah!)

• Scarlett Johansson. Naked in a pool. (Egotastic!)

• As Hilary Duff's veneers have shrunk, so has her rack inflated. It's magic! (Cityrag)

• Mariah Carey dons her most Mimi-est of rags to kick off Japanese baseball season. Man, what a weird sentence. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Pamela Anderson returns to form with the best upskirt she can muster. (Taxi Driver)

• Angelina and Brad let their children do whatever while they dunk their sleek, genetically superior forms nakedly into their pool. (The Blemish)

• Naomi Campbell to trade glamour for the slammer. (Celebitchy)

• Bill Murray's wife says he's a drunk and a stoner and a cheater and a beater. B-b-buh . . . but . . . he's the voice of Garfield! (PopCrunch)

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February 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Boozin' and Coozin'

• More oddly smooth Britney mons pubis. We're starting to think that maybe those are flesh-toned undies. Foiled! (Faded Youth)

• But she still can't see her chitlins. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• The bottle came between Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst. The bottle, and her baby vampire fangs. (Yeeeah!)

• Denise Richards says that exploiting her children in a reality show is fine, because they said yes when she asked them if they wanted to be on TV. They're two and three. If you asked them if they wanted to have live jellyfish sewn to their faces, they'd say "Yaaaay!" (I'm Not Obsessed)

• J. Lo has checked in to the hospital! She will now proceed to birth a child from each of her buns. (PopCrunch)

• Hilary's Duff, in a bikini. (Egotastic)

• The Heidi Klum-Seal family, in a traveling version of Cats. (Derek Hail)

• Megan Fox Jacks it. (Fatback)

• Alba pulls a Lindsay and recreates old junk in photos. Only without the boobs, natch. (The Blemish)

• OMG, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden actually left the house! They're such horrible parents! Alert DCFS! (Celeb Warship)

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November 07, 2007

Guy's Lap Enjoys Hilary's Duff

Imagine Clarissa explaining it all from atop a dude's ding dong. Picture Mayim Bialik as Malloy, inserting that trumpet into her womanly chasm with a saucy wink. Entertain the thought of Moose from You Can't Do That on Television freaking Barth behind the counter of his burger joint. If these visions are difficult and/or painful for you, perhaps you'd do well to imagine drunk Hilary Duff grinding on some puck-shuffler's boner. Because that actually happened! According to The Sun:

The pretty actress - who shot to fame in kids' TV show Lizzie Maguire - treated her ice hockey star boyfriend Mike Comrie to the saucy performance at exclusive New York hot spot Tenjune.

A partygoer said: "Hilary was having a wild night, drinking Veuve Clicquot straight out of the bottle. She looked nothing like the sweet little Lizzie Maguire she once was as she treated Mike to a series of raunchy lap dances. The place was packed but Hilary didn't mind."

One's first reaction might be of slight shock that the very wee Hilary Duff has turned to underage drinking accompanied by squashing her can on a guy's groin. But keep in mind that when Lindsay was Hilary's age, she was on a first name basis with several Colombian drug lords, and when Britney was 20, she had, like, five children and was in the throes of a miserable snack cake problem. So honestly, a little champagne and a lap dance seems almost sweet in comparison. Awwwww. Drunky lapdance. How positively droll! more »

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October 16, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Digging for Nuggets

• Inspiring photo montage of Tara Reid in various stages of intoxication: the Sweaty Man-O-War, the Crotch Weeper, the Sunny Days Trailer Park Special, the Buttafuoco. (Cityrag)

• Teri Hatcher is a butt-picker. A picker of butts. (Taxi Driver)

• New Kim Kardashian sex tape footage coming soon. In your pants. Get it? Get it? Get it? Huh? Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Huh? Get it? NADS! (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Pamela Anderson is not pregnant, after all. Yeah, who cares, we have J. Lo to worry about now, babe, don't bother us. (GlossLip)

• Hilary Duff is a serious actress. You can tell by her lacy half-leggings and erect nipples. (The Blemish)

• Megan Fox is 3000% more attractive without drag queen makeup. Now, if only she could wash off the David Silver with some Pond's, we'd be set. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Wow, Scarlett Johansson sure is ugly. Isn't she a dog? Just look at her. Yuck. Man. (Daily Stab)

• Yikes, someone get Pete Doherty back on the drugs, pronto. (CelebWarship)

• Slice your wrists, get the girl. Kate Hudson is willing to give Owen Wilson another shot. In love. What did you think we meant? Oh, in the arm? Hahahaha, that's kind of funny. Here, take the keyboard, friend. (Yeeeah!)

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August 23, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Duff Muff?

• Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a giant football yesterday. (Celebitchy)

• Anna Faris makes with the cheek-smugglers. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Jessica Biel is happy to share her chest chasm with you in FHM. (Egotastic!)

• Attractive drip Adrian Grenier throws genital caution to the wind and hangs out with Paris Hilton. (The Blemish)

• Christina Aguilera's baby will not go hungry. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Sweden makes the call: Bill Murray is one beer over par! (IDLYITW)

• Mariah Carey obscures breasts with lace grandma curtain; cirrus clouds. (Cityrag)

• Lindy Loho thinks that rehab is serious business. You can tell by her no-nonsense hair bun and utilitarian mom-chic hoodie. (Yeeeah!)

• The main peril of being a housecat is accidentally drinking antifreeze. Unless you're Pete Doherty's cat, then the biggest problem is a couple of bumps of coke sprinkled atop your Meow Mix. (A Socialite's Life)

• Hilary Duff: womanly folds or crotch seam? (Taxi Driver)

• Hayden Panettiere: now old enough for lactose bukkake! (Celeb Warship)

• Jennifer Love Hewitt cries when she watches herself act. That's so funny, because we also wail uncontrollably when we have to watch her act. (Daily Stab)

• Kurt Russell sports flaccid ding dongage and a solid B-cup. (Allie Is Wired)

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July 26, 2007

Hilary Duff Hates Little Girl, Makes Her Cry

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Apparently Hilary Duff spends her down time going to orphanages and asking all the kids, "Where's your Mommy?" then stopping in to the nearest cancer ward and taunting, "How you feeling, cancer baby? You're a big fat cancer baby," while dangling her lustrous hair in their faces. Because that's what Hilary Duff does for fun: makes little kids cry. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Pop star/actress Hilary Duff drove a young fan to tears by refusing to sign autographs, according to reports.

The star was dining out with her family at Pier 36 Seafood and Oyster bar in Richmond, Texas, last week when she reportedly snubbed the child.

The young girl was accompanied by a 9-year-old pal, and both were carrying posters and T-shirts for their idol to sign -- but they arrived at the wrong moment.

A source tells the New York Daily News, "On their way out, the owner asked if Hilary would sign a menu for her daughter and she did. But when the youngsters approached, (Hilary) said, 'I don't really get to spend a lot of time with my family, sorry' and walked out the door.

"She made one of the little girls cry."

Shit, that's nothing. Hilary Duff has made us cry dozens of times. Let's see, there was that time we saw A Cinderella Story, then the time we saw The Perfect Man, then the time we were sick in bed and our dog carried away the remote and left us to watch Cheaper by the Dozen 1 and 2 on TBS. That one had to count for at least five crying fits.

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July 25, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Did Not Do Drugs They're Not Mine"

• Lindsay tells Billy Bush, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine." Well, technically the drugs they found weren't "done" yet because they were in her pocket. So . . . yeah! Innocent! (TMZ)

• Lily Allen does not suffer Courtney Loves gladly. (Celeb Warship)

• Eva Mendes sends Jane mag off to the glue factory with a hearty strippin'. (Cityrag)

• Penelope Cruz in shocking eyelash controversy! (Celebitchy)

• Kim Kardashian to bring her bustle-like humpback heinie to Playboy? (Derek Hail)

• When Hilary Duff was a baby, her mom spiked her like a football. Over and over. (Hollywood Grind)

• Jennifer Garner rocks a lacy 1998 momthong. (Taxi Driver)

• What's longer: Rihanna's legs or her forehead? The world may never know. (Drunken Stepfather)

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July 18, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Benatard

• Hilary Duff knows that love is a battlefield and hell is for children; dons Benatar pants to prove it. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Bridget Moynahan is such a bitch, getting pregnant when she did so the baby's due date coincided with her then-boyfriend's future Brazilian supermodel girlfriend's birthday. How dare she? How dare she? (The Blemish)

• Kelly Clarkson snacks upon weed cookies. (Cityrag)

• Scary Spice is set to marry her new boyfriend, who has a "much bigger cock" than Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but IS he a much bigger cock than Eddie Murphy? Ho ho, we thought not. Wait, what? (Bossip)

• Being pregnant totally grossed out Jaime Pressly. Awesome, because her naming her son "Dezi" totally grossed us out. And now we're even. (Celebitchy)

• Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for "exhaustion". Because sitting on comically giant piles of money and not making any new shows really takes it out of a guy. (Bricks and Stones)

• Jon Lovitz wiped up a bar with Andy Dick's stupid face. We Lovitz! (Derek Hail)

• Winona Ryder blames shoplifting on drugs. Which would also explain her sexual coupling with Dave Pirner. (Celeb Warship)

• Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. That's right. Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. (Daily Stab)

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April 26, 2007

Tough Tries To Snuff Duff

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When you think of celebrities who are at the most risk of receiving death threats from crazed fans/My Sister Sam enthusiasts, who comes to mind? Angelina Jolie? Paris Hilton? Tom Cruise? In any case, we bet Hilary Duff falls somewhere between Madonna's hairstylist or that creepy guy from Kyle XY. We obviously don't think like a crazed maniac though (at least not early in the morning). Canada.com reports (via Celebitchy):

Duff was being interviewed Tuesday by MuchMusic host Leah Miller on Live @ Much when a man in the crowd outside the studio started shouting at the 19-year-old star. According to an eyewitness, the unidentified man vowed to kill Duff, prompting several police officers to tackle him.

“The cops slammed his face into the pavement,” said photographer Todd Gillis, who witnessed the incident. “He was bleeding.”

The commotion happened just metres from an outdoor platform where Duff later stood to greet fans who surged forward for autographs and pictures.

Taking out Hilary Duff doesn't sound like the road to Mark David Chapman level infamy, but what do we know? We hear the guy who tried to shoot up Bret Michaels is in the top 4 on Romanian Idol.

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April 24, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Jonathan Rhyshab Meyers

• They try to make me wear a tee-shirt, I said, no, no, no. (Egotastic!)

• They tried to make Jonathan go to Rhyshab, he said, no, no, n--well, okay. (Female First)

• John Krasinski from The Office and Renée Zellweger? OK, that sounds fine, carry on. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Scarlett Johansson's handsome jumblies are SNL's new Hans and Franz. Because they'll pump (clap) you up. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Scary Spice's daughter is not named Fortuna, as previously reported. She's Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Because everybody loves Candice Bergen! (D Listed)

• Morgan Fairchild: she's still got (t)it! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Some rich Russian guy wants to pay Jennifer Lopez $2 million dollars to sing at a party. Little does he know that stateside, a J. Lo warbling usually goes for around $36.99 and a half a pack of Fruit Stripe. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

• It's been a few weeks since we've dipped our chalice into the lusty lake that is Jessica Biel's rotund squatter. Let's do. (Yeeeah!)

• Speaking of asses, here's Nicky Hilton's. She does not share her sister's unfortunate goiteresque gluteal growth. (Taxi Driver)

• Hilary Duff strokes a thick, wrinkled, fleshy tube. (Popoholic)

• Suri Cruise hits the party circuit. (Bricks and Stones)

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April 05, 2007

The Return of Stamos Nachos

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Yea! It's the day we've been waiting for! Our beloved Stamos Nachos has returned! We will once again get to bask in his ooey-gooey, Full-House-y goodness. And it's all thanks to Hilary Duff. Which, really, is not a sentence we thought we'd ever happen upon the chance to use. Unless of course the sentence directly preceding it was, "Our ears bled and bled and burned and itched from the horrible sounds emanating from the speakers." more »

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December 13, 2006

Joel Madden Dumps Virginal Hilary Duff for Loose, Wanton Waif Nicole Richie

The reason that Good Charlotte "rocker" Joel Madden recently dumped fellow Radio Disney staple Hilary Duff was not because he found it impossible to work around her tombstone veneers, but because she would not give up her maidenhead. New flame Nicole Richie is more to his liking, it seems, since she is far less chaste. Plus, no body fat to induce pesky menstruation = trysts completely free of the chance of unwanted pregnancy. Yay! more »

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November 29, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Lips and Teeth

• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

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October 13, 2006

Hilary Duff: Too Important for Just One Stalker

We have been known to jest about Hilary Duff in the past. Mr. Ed may have been mentioned, there may have been jokes about a dentist who specializes in implanting novelty teeth into the mouths of women named Hilary (Duff and Swank), disparaging remakes may have been made in regards to Agent Cody Banks or Raise Your Voice. But we do not wish Hilary Duff any bodily or mental harm. We do not enjoy stalkers because every once in a while they turn out to have some follow through like the man who shot that nice girl from My Sister Sam, and we prefer our starlets alive and healthy and capable of withstanding our constant mockery. more »

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August 01, 2006

Lizzie McVirgin No More

Remember when Hilary Duff said she was, like, so virginal she was practically a nun? Well, it's time to break out the rosary beads and the holy water, cause girl totally gave it up. Looks like Britney will finally have someone to pass on her "I'm a virgin (but this is an old shirt)" garb to. more »

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June 16, 2006

Lizzie McVirgin

We never thought we'd get the opportunity to do two stories on Hilary Duff in as many days, but when she admits she's a big fat virgin we can't ignore her. Well, maybe "fat" isn't the word we should have used. Maybe big horse-toothed, Nicole-Richie-in-training virgin would have been more apropos. more »

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June 15, 2006

Hilary Duff Sez: "Don't Judge Me, Fogey."

Hilary Duff is sick of being misunderstood as an artist. And if all you old people who make fun of her acting or her singing think she's so talentless, she'll show you. Cause you're old and poor and will probably die soon. So who's laughing now, grandpa? Huh? Huh? Who? more »

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April 17, 2006

Hilary Duff: Never in the Buff

Usually when an actress vows to never get all naked and let people film her, we cry. And we wait for the inevitable red-carpet nipple slip to placate us. But usually those actresses are your Jessica Albas and your Scarlett Johanssons, actresses who actually have the opportunity to show skin in movies we would actually watch. When Hilary Duff says she'll never do nudity, it really doesn't affect us much. Even if she were to go full frontal and have sex with a horse in Cheaper by the Dozen Part 8 we wouldn't know about it because we'd be in the next theater waiting for Jessica Simpson's bikini strap to lose its battle with gravity. more »

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November 14, 2005

Katie Holmes Retires, Hilary Duff Rests, America Weeps

We as Americans have been through a lot recently--the Nick and Jessica almost divorce, the shocking use of cocaine by a supermodel, "Y'all Ain't Ready". How are we expected to heal when we do not have wonderful diversions such as First Daughter and Raise Your Voice waiting for us at our local Loews? You're killing America, Hilary Duff and Katie Holmes. more »

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September 15, 2005

Will Someone Freaking Help Poor Hilary Duff?

Neigh! I'm Hilary Duff.

Listen, ever since I got teef implants, I've been having trouble eating. My new veneers, they're hard to work, you see. I'm really hungry over here. Could you maybe put some food into my bag? A mashed-up apple would be nice, or a tender carrot. Or some oats. How about a sugar cube or two? C'mon, I'm dyin' over here. Anyone?

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August 30, 2005

Hilary Duff Vows Not to Be a Ho Like Jessica and Britney

Hilary Duff thinks that Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears are big f-in’ whores. And somehow she means that in a bad way. more »

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