filed under: Helen Mirren

Dame Helen Mirren is nearly 63, yet she has the body of a broad half her age. Basically, if you were looking at these pictures of Mirren in a bikini, you could scroll from the bottom up and not realize that you were looking at someone over the age of 30 until you saw that it was the lady from Calendar Girls. And until you caught a whiff of her intoxicating scent--a heady mix of Jhirmack Simply Silver shampoo and Boniva.






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What better way to celebrate National Breast Cancer Awareness Month than by talking about how awesome and bouncy and soft boobs are? We really can't think of a better way. And since you douchebags love lists almost as much as you love titties, Film Threat put together a little historical countdown, complete with a cleavage-fest via YouTube clips. So here they are, in somewhat chronological order, the best bazooms in moviedom:

Mae West
Jane Russell
Marilyn Monroe
Dorothy Dandridge
Jayne Mansfield
Sophia Loren
Elizabeth Taylor
Brigitte Bardot
Ursula Andress
Honor Blackman
Raquel Welch
Chesty Morgan
Tura Satana
Uschi Digard
Pam Grier
Jennifer Connelly
Monica Bellucci
Rosario Dawson
Scarlett Johansson
Eva Green
Jennifer Tilly
Asia Argento
Thandie Newton
Helen Mirren
Jessica Rabbit

Seriously? Jessica fucking Rabbit? Is that the best you could do, Film Threat? Did you think to yourselves, "Man, we've exhausted all the luscious lung pillows in Hollywood. There is not one set of sweater kittens left worth ogling. Guess we better talk about some cartoon casabas"? Did Lindsay Lohan's meaty Mean Girls-era mounds not make the list due to the creepy teenage factor? Did you disregard Elizabeth Hurley because she seems like a bit of a shrew? Did Jessica Simpson get cut because you've never actually been able to watch her on film for longer than three minutes? Was there really not one single set of Hollywood hooters that you found more appealing than Jessica Rabbit's paper-and-ink pom poms? more »

You love (semi-accurate) historic debauchery, right? And you also love sexy old dames (literally) who got super superduper naked when they were young and even hotter? During Helen Mirren's recent spate of being the hottest shit at every awards show did you have unsavory masturbation fantasies that disturbingly turned toward your granny? We've got the cure, and it's called Caligula: 4-Disc Imperial Edition, in which you can see a full-frontal 34-year-old Helen Mirren. According to IMDb:

Caligula, the 1976 film that featured such respected actors at Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, Helen Mirren, and the late John Gielgud -- all of whom were blindsided when producer Bob Guccione of Penthouse magazine fame cut x-rated scenes into the movie -- is due to be released on DVD as the "Four-Disc Imperial Edition" by Image Entertainment on October 2nd, the distributor announced Tuesday. The film has previously been released in versions that were as short as 98 minutes and as long as three hours. In a statement, the company said that the DVD set will include newly recorded, no-holds-barred commentary tracks by McDowell and Mirren. In addition, the set includes two versions of The Making of Caligula, one of which includes deleted and alternate scenes. (The movie was also the subject of the book Ultimate Porno: The Making of a Sex Colossal by Piernico Solinas, a first assistant director on the film.)

The set will include commentary by both Mirren and Malcolm McDowell, as well as many other goodies, which are detailed on the Image website and at TLA Video. And if you are under the age of thirty-five and are saying to yourself, "Cali-who?" check out the detailed history of the film at Wikipedia. It's likely the only time you will ever read the names Bob Guccione, Peter O'Toole, and Gore Vidal in the same paragraph. Unless you're a big consumer of CNW's side project, Gore Vidal fan fic, in which we re-imagine key points in the author's life. The chapter in which Vidal and Norman Mailer end up flailing each other about the face with Care Bears is a scorcher. more »

Do you ever think to yourself, "Gee, I love basketball and the thrill of picking an NCAA winner, but there just aren't enough titties during March Madness"? We're sure you have. Now thanks to Mr. Skin you can take the homoerotic joy you usually get out of watching strapping young men in silky shorts fondle balls and apply it to your love of all things mammary with March Nakedness! more »

With Lindsay currently on her best behavior, Paris skulking around following her embarrassing birthday snafu at the oily hands of Brandon Davis, and Britney safely tucked away within the confines of Promises's manicured grounds, the prospects of spying a little surreptitious celebrity labes is looking grim, friends. But like a phoenix from the vulvaless ashes, Helen Mirren rises. more »

As the Venice Film Festival wraps up, the powers-that-be are handing out awards to honor the festival's best and brightest, and the top acting honors went to Helen Mirren and Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck? more »

One of the more bizarre films screened at the Toronto Film Festival last week has to be Shadowboxer. It stars British Shakespearian actress Helen Mirren as an assassin and Cuba Gooding Jr. as her lover. (And you thought Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton in Monster's Ball was bizarre.) Helen shows a bit of her regal rear during a sex scene with Cuba, but the rest of the nudity is left to supporting cast members. But don't worry; Mirren's been naked in twelve other films, so you'll be pretty busy getting to know her body of work. Vanessa Ferlito also has a sex scene with Gooding in which she shows her breasts. There's also a sex scene between Maria Soccor and Stephen Dorff in which Maria's breasts are bouncing around--and there's a shot of Stephen's condom-covered penis, if you're into that sort of thing.
See Helen and Vanessa and Maria all at MrSkin.com.