filed under: Heather Mills McCartney

We're pretty sure that if we were lucky enough to make the leap from "educational sex manual" model to the wife of one of the richest musicians alive, our divorce proceedings would end when said musician offered us 83 bucks and a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni. We're cheap. But Heather Mills has let her divorce proceedings from Paul McCartney drag on for the better part of two years in the hopes of landing $250 mil. The AP gives the full scoop on how the Mucca muckety-muck went down:

Paul McCartney was ordered Monday to pay Heather Mills $48.6 million to settle their divorce.

A document released by the Family Court said the judge awarded Mills a lump sum of $33 million plus the assets she currently holds worth $15.6 million.

"I'm so, so happy with this," Mills told reporters following the closed hearing.

The court also ruled that the couple's 4-year-old daughter Beatrice should receive a "periodical payments order" of $70,000 per annum. On top of that, McCartney will pay for the child's nanny and school fees.

"I'm so glad it's over," Mills said at her impromptu news conference.

"It was an incredible result in the end to secure mine and my daughter's future and that of all the charities that I obviously plan on helping and making a difference with — because you know it has been my life for 20 years," she said.

McCartney left the court without making any statement.

While pleased with the financial settlement, Mills intends to appeal to prevent publication of the details of the settlement for the couple's daughter.

Some might say that she got screwed with the less than $50 million settlement, but we're of the camp that thinks that any number above, say, $5 million is pretty much the same. Heather's probably a little upset that she won't have enough scratch to cover every surface in her home in precious metals, but we're sure that Heather's friends won't even notice that the guest bathroom commode is only 14 karat gold plated instead of pure platinum, but those are the just the little sacrifices she's going to have to make.

• Teri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV)

• Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)

• Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)

• Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)

• John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)

• Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)

• Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)

Heather Mills is all, "Whoooo hooo! Look at meeee! I'm dating again! Look at my boyfriend! He's a sculptor and haberdasher of sorts and is well-known amongst certain classes in one section of London, perhaps! La di da! I'm so fannnncy!"

And then Paul McCartney's like, "I still have ten trillion dollars and I'm seeing Rosanna Arquette, who has really big boobs." And then Heather really can't say anything because you can't argue with that, plus the song "Rosanna" was written about her and, like, come on. It's Toto.

• Cameron Diaz has tiny nipples atop her tiny breasts underneath a tiny shirt. No tiny bra in sight. (Drunken Stepfather

• Jennifer Garner may have allowed Ben Affleck to ejaculate into her vaginal canal during ovulation again. (FemaleFirst)

• Angelina got more ass between juice breaks in kindergarten than you're getting now. (Bricks and Stones)

• Victoria Beckham is aging like a fine wine--kinda sourly. (Hollywood Tuna)

• The Lohan says that she is the protector of the family. She protects them by horfing rails. (A Socialite's Life)

• The people of India are angry at Richard Gere after he kissed Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty in public. Hey, they were lucky he didn't greet her by pantsing her and cramming a shaved hamster up her can. (IMDb)

• Jessica Alba, caught making out with a real dog. (MollyGood)

• Sabrina the Teenage Ass Crack. (Taxi Driver)

• Heather Mills fall down go boom! (Yeeeah!)

• John Travolta equates his level of fame to that of Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. Um, try Marilu Henner or John Ratzenberger. (The Blemish)

• Paris is scared that jail time will ruin her career. Her career consists of showing up to parties thrown by beverage companies, so we're pretty sure she'll be fine. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

• Larry Birkhead cuddles his $weet little $ugarpie. (TMZ)

If there's one thing CelebNewsWire finds more amusing than our annual Valentine's Day ritual of skinning a neighborhood squirrel and fashioning it into a sexy bra-and-panty set for our sweetheart, it's seeing an amputee kick a paparazzo in the ass with her fake leg. What grace! What form! You can almost hear her yelling "Goal!!!" Perhaps we should send her our squirrelkini this year, as that restraining order prevents us from giving it to our "girlfriend". We're sure Heather would appreciate it.

Find the entire Heather kicks photog suite at Splash News.

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.

• In case Paris Hilton's nipples weren't enough for you the first one thousand and eight times, here's more.

• No, no one is shocked by Kate Moss's boogar sugar use, but still, repercussions. Don't fire Kate, fancy fashion people! Don't force little Lila Grace to wear last season's Burberry!

• Looks like Jude and Sienna may be back on. CoughBABYcough.

• Debra Messing consults her nip-oracle for post-Will and Grace career advice.

• Ewan McGregor gets his dong sucked.

• Jennifer Lopez is a barbarian. She will skin an animal with her bare hands, slap its bloodied hide on her back, and then beat you with your own prosthetic leg. This story made us laugh, because we are dark and cold and bad inside.

• And because we were too lazy to post it yesterday, here it is: Prez Bush forges a bathroom pass.