filed under: Heath Ledger
June 10, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: CBT

Brittany Snow not naked, but well-versed in cock and ball torture in
On the Doll! (
Fatback)
In case you were wondering if
Pam Anderson's nipples were still inching their way towards her armpits, the answer is a resounding yes! (
Taxi Driver)
Abigail Clancy: dumpy name, glamorous naked boobs in a bikini. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Despite her assertions to the contrary,
Jessica Alba is most definitely shopping around pics of her baby. (
Cityrag)
Awwww.
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, happy and hugging. Not as exciting as groaning and fingerblasting, but we make do with what we're given. (
Yeeeah!)
Sienna Miller enjoys sleeping with . . . . . . . . . . . Heath Ledger's pajamas. (
CelebWarship)
Heather Locklear throws some gang signs. Yo yo yo, northeast siiiiiide, Bev Hills, dis ya girl Heathuh! Brentwoooooood! Respect! (
The Blemish)
Paul Newman has lung cancer. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. (
Hollywire)
Elizabeth Hurley continues to dress her son like he's Little Lord Fauntleroy. (
Allie Is Wired)
Does
Christina Aguilera have her eye on another, nonsimian man? (
Hollyscoop)
Firecrotch-spouter
Brandon Davis has gone from Fat Elvis to slightly less fat Elvis. (
Faded Youth)
April 01, 2008
The Timing Here Is So Convenient

When a beloved celebrity dies tragically, a logical course soon follows. First comes shock. Then mourning. Then tributes. Then squabbling over the estate. Then strange creepy ladies claiming to have bourne the celebrity's young, and coincidentally would perhaps like a nice piece of said estate. Right on time appears a dame with a possible
Heath Ledger Jr. Reports Australia's
Daily Telegraph:
Ledger was a 17-year-old schoolboy when he had an affair with an older woman who is thought to have only discovered she was pregnant after their relationship ended. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair. Yesterday, Ledger's uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: "There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father."
What is it with these tragic Australian celebrity deaths? If they're not getting their assets choked by the mothers of their secret babies, they're
choking on their own vom or
choking themselves while jerking off. Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, Jocko: please take care, stay away from nooses, and chew your vegemite well.
March 11, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Weird and Scary

Ashley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (
Female First)
Kate Beckinsale does
Anna Karina for
Mean magazine. Eat your tits out,
Lohan-as-Marilyn! (
Popbytes)
Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (
Egotastic!)
Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (
Taxi Driver)
Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Some yahoo called 911 on
Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself.
Denise Richards, you prankster. (
CelebWarship)
Heath Ledger never updated his will to include
Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (
Celebridiot)
Button, button, who's got the button?
Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (
Drunken Stepfather)
Jenna Jameson dresses up as
Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (
The Blemish)
Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (
I'm Not Obsessed)
Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (
Popoholic)
February 06, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: The P Word

Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (
FemaleFirst)
And speaking of
Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of
The L Word. (
The Superficial)
The results are in:
Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (
TMZ)
Godspeed to you,
Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (
IMDb)
Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (
Cityrag)
Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (
Celebitchy)
Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring
Eva Longoria! (
PopCrunch)
Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (
Derek Hail)
J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (
Evil Beet)
Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (
The Blemish)
Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or
can you? (
Daily Stab)
January 31, 2008
Britney Re-Hospitalized and Other Melancholy Tales

Ugh. Today
sucks. It's like the universe has been saving up every downer gossip story and is releasing them all on the same day. This morning we were assaulted by the following mood-dampening tales:
Farrah Fawcett's
cancer has returned, Daniel Smith probably
killed himself (and professional asshole
Howard K. Stern took pictures of his dead body because they might be worth some money one day), Jethro Hillbilly's girlfriend
killed herself,
Entertainment Tonight and
The Insider obtained video of
Heath Ledger snorting coke, and of course
Britney Spears has been
re-hospitalized for a psychiatric evaluation. What, Christina Aguilera couldn't fit in a little infanticide? Angelina Jolie was too busy figuring out how to
profit off of fetuses to change her mind about Pax and send him back to the orphanage? We hope that no other gossip comes along today to bum us out, because we don't think we could take it. But there is a tiny bit of an upside to all this crappiness, and that's that Britney isn't seeming to fight off the hospitalization, meaning that maybe all of our prayers that she would come around and get help and become normal and happy and contented and a good mom have been answered. Those other prayers--the ones involving a three-day orgy with Heidi Klum, Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, and the hot chick from
Cloverfield--those we're still waiting on.
January 23, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: No, No, No. Ella, Ella, Ella.

Heath Ledger's autopsy proved to be "inconclusive". (
The Hollywood Gossip)
However, cops are saying that drug packets were found in his room, along with a $20 bill rolled up in a "suspicious" fashion. Maybe it was origami-folded into the shape of Snidely Whiplash! (
TMZ)
Possibly the last picture of Heath taken (very Depp!), on the set of his movie,
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Which sounds like a poor man's
Dr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium. (
Derek Hail)
Sylvester Stallone says that he's nothing but a "tiny fairy". Don't do 'roids, kids. (
FemaleFirst)
The
fat kid from
Stand By Me is not only married to
Rebecca Romijn, he does a high-larious Tom Cruise iimpression. (
Yeeeah!)
Keeley Hazell is pretty. She has big breasts. Let us gaze upon her image and swell with joy and erectile tissue. (
Popoholic)
Whoops! Guess
she said "no, no, no" after all. Fantastic, we wouldn't have wanted her to harm the integrity of her hit single. (
A Socialite's Life)
Rihanna, half naked, covered in water. Insert obligatory "Umbrella" joke. (
Cityrag)
Attention, France! Your do not have supermodel-singer Carla Bruni as a first lady. Haha, France! In your face! You lose! Although you do produce very delicious breads and cheeses and berets. We'll give you that much, France. (
Celeb Warship)
Here is a list of Oscar nominations. Not only are we witty and rich and can bench 550 pounds, we're helpful, too! (
Allie Is Wired)
January 22, 2008
R.I.P. Heath Ledger

According to
TMZ:
TMZ has learned that 2006 Academy Award nominee Heath Ledger has died in NY.
He was found dead in his bed in one of his residences in Soho by his housekeeper at 3:35 PM ET today. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they believe it was not a crime, adding prescription pills were found near his body.
The 28-year-old actor has a two year old daughter with former fiancee Michelle Williams -- they separated in September, 2007. He plays The Joker in the upcoming Batman film, "The Dark Knight."
According to NYPD a masseuse arrived at Ledger's apartment and was let in by a housekeeper. When he didn't answer his bedroom door, the housekeeper and the masseuse opened it and found him unconscious. They attempted to wake him, and when they couldn't they called 911.
We're told when paramedics responded, the actor was in full cardiac arrest. They attempted to perform CPR on him, but were unsuccessful. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
Ledger may be best known for his groundbreaking role as Ennis in "Brokeback Mountain."
Out of all the things we could not have predicted on any given day, "Heath Ledger passing away" would be right up there at the top of the list alongside "Amy Winehouse going to rehab". Bummer times a billion.
December 04, 2007
Firecrotch Gets Poked by Joker
Riley Giles's ass has
not yet stopped smarting from
Lindsay Lohan's Louboutin-clad foot, and she's already found herself a new man. And he comes from a land Down Under. According to various Australian and American reports, newly single
Heath Ledger smiled and gave Lindsay his vegemite sandwich. A source told Australia's
New Weekly magazine that the pair hooked up over Thanksgiving weekend, and Lindsay got her goose stuffed but good:
"Lindsay and Heath hit it off straight away. When she left the club she started texting him straight away and they hooked up a few times while she was still in New York. They were meeting late at night for sex. It was purely physical."
When asked about the pairing, Lindsay's much put-upon publicist, the silver-tongued
Leslie Sloane Zelnick, outdid even her former
"haters" quote, and said:
"This is gross. She and Heath are friends."
Notice she didn't deny the hookup. She just let us know that the the couple knows each other, and that it is gross. Imagine Lindsay and Heath in bed, limbs entwined, her Camel Light breath hot on his neck, her Mystic Tan streaked over Heath's groin, as she paws his topknot in ecstasy. "Gross" doesn't even begin to cover it, sister.
November 27, 2007
Working with Ang Lee Doesn't Earn You Soap-Buying Money

Here at CelebNewsWire we are highly interested in the odoriferous qualities of celebrities. We're pretty sure that
Paris Hilton smells like dried semen and white lillies, and
Britney Spears surely stinks like a combo 7-11/budget hair salon. But those are just informed guesses; we have no anecdotal proof that those smells would offend our olfactory organs were we ever in the proximity of these ladies. What we do know is that
Tara Reid has the funk of a
wino on the subway, and thanks to our gossip parfumeur,
FemaleFirst, we now know that
Heath Ledger would make a suitable companion for Miss Taradise.
Heath Ledger disgusted fellow subway passengers in New York at the weekend with his "unwashed" stench, it has been claimed.
The 'Brokeback Mountain' star was spotted carrying his two-year-old daughter Matilda through a station during Thanksgiving weekend, and commuters who crossed his path insist he was giving off an unpleasant smell.
One onlooker said: "He was pushing past the crowds on a staircase and I got quite a whiff. He smelled pretty unwashed!"
Heath - who split from Matilda's mother Michelle Williams in the summer - was wearing red-framed sunglasses, an oversize lilac knitted hat and a fleece-lined jacket, which passengers also claim needed a good wash.
The witness added to America's OK! magazine: "His jacket has clearly never seen the inside of a washing machine. He seemed to be going for the hobo-chic look!"
God, you are so uptight, "onlooker". What do you smell like, cinnamon buns and freshed-brewed coffee? Heath's just trying to be human, man, connect with his true, natural self. Plus, it's hard to find time to shower and do laundry when you're busy trying to schtup every under-forty female in New York City. That takes time and dedication.
November 12, 2007
That Penny Lane Sure Is a Busy Street

We thought that
Kate Hudson led a pretty busy life, what with raising her flowingly locked child and avoiding guilt over the whole Owen Wilson suicide thing. But maybe Ryder's been spending time with Dad, learning how to roll doobs or something, because Kate's had plenty of hookup time lately.
Just Friday we reported on her
Orlando Bloom face sucking, and now it appears she's also been spelunking
Heath Ledger's oral cavity. Plus, somewhere along the line she risked life and limb and communicable douche disease by hooking up with
Dane Cook. She's one brave girl.
Page Six reports:
FORGET Dax Shephard; Kate Hudson has moved on to an actual movie star. Hudson, having dumped funnyman Shephard, was linked to Dane Cook, but Thursday night she only had eyes for Heath Ledger. Spies at Beatrice Inn said they spent their evening at the trendy watering hole "kissing and making out." A rep for Hudson said, "This is absolutely untrue. They ran into each other and chatted briefly, but that was the extent of it." But our spy insists on the liplock.
Maybe Heath had seen Ryder's pretty, pretty hair and was just trying to convince his mommy to donate it to a needy balding actor.
September 12, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Fetuses and Weave Fits

Mischa Barton becomes Mrs. Roper. (
Derek Hail)
Joe Francis wants
Vanessa Hudgens to sign a deal with Girls Gone Wild. "Lucrative and record-breaking Disney franchise, or cokehead in a jail cell?" Her mind must be a veritable cacophony of tumult right now! (
WWTDD)
Faulkner. Hemingway. Didion. Joyce.
Tommy Lee. (
IDLYITW)
Jennifer Lopez fetuswatch 09/07 begins. (
The Blemish)
And speaking of fetuses,
Posh Spice is starting to look like one after an hour of broasting in a cajun marinade. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Stacy's mom has got an upskirt goin' on. (
Taxi Driver)
We'd never seen a praying mantis that likes reverse cowgirl until we saw these pictures of
Jenna Jameson's plastiface. (
Evil Beet)
Britney Spears does not suffer Ken Paves gladly, and a Ken Paves wielding faux hair never. (
Celeb Warship)
AND! She's a
Brit . . . house. Forget the poon, THIS is quite a spread. (
Allie Is Wired)
Heath Ledger hits the party scene to celebrate his newfound single status, as well as the last clinging remains of his hair. (
Celebrity Mound)
September 04, 2007
Brokeup Mountain

Our favorite bundles of love and sunshine have reportedly broken up. Reports MSNBC:
The three-year romance between Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams is officially over, according to Us Weekly.
A source close to the couple confirmed the split to the magazine. The relationship had been rocky recently. They tried very hard to make it work but finally decided to separate. They just grew apart.
The source also told Us Weekly that despite the amicable parting, one thing would always bond them. They have a beautiful daughter and they are both committed to being great parents.
Their daughter, Matilda, was born in 2005, just a year after the couple met on the Brokeback set.
They must have felt guilty for monopolizing all that joy and happiness and confining it in one relationship. Seriously, when two people seem to be so god damn miserable all the time, they should stick together instead of polluting the dating pool with their dourness. It's the same with extreme stupidity. You wouldn't want the Beckhams to unleash their brainpower on unsuspecting, possibly mildly intelligent singles, would you?
more »
September 15, 2006
Come See My Movie; It's Nothing Like That Piece of Shit Superman
Heath Ledger, who has signed on to play The Joker in the next Batman movie, says he fucking hates comic book movies--but the one that he's in will be really awesome. That's like having sex with Mo'nique and saying, "I fucking hate fat chicks. Oh, but not you, baby, you're different."
more »
August 16, 2006
Your Childhood Toys, All Grown Up

Aw, look. Herself the Elf and My Pet Monster got married.
more »
August 02, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Celebrity Nip-Off
K-Fed and
Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid
Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called
People.
Jessica Simpson's mother
does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a
semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.
Heath Ledger: what a
joker.
Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception.
Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and
naked nipples.
In some circles,
Tom Cruise's crotch is known as
The Punisher. Poor
Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.
And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a
Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.
What's more entertaining than a
Mel Gibson mugshot?
Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.
Would you like to see
Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan
boxing". So sorry.
Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some
vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.
June 08, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Six Times in Two Hours
Heath Ledger got
squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!
Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of
mom,
dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra
here.
We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from
Lindsay Lohan's
firecrotch.
Speaking of Lindsay, she
incurred the fiery wrath of
Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.
Elle MacPherson is still a
foxy MacPerson.
Nicole Richie, mad with hunger,
throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?
Jessica Alba pulls a
Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with
tape. Son of a bitch.
Katherine Heigl wants to show off her
Grey's Anatomy on a
sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.
PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes
Mariah's
nipples hard.
Chris "
alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the
beard that
Topher Grace just shaved off.
February 02, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: RARE OOP JORDAN BOOBS BREASTS JUGS EMO L@@K!
Katie Holmes: putting the "tard" in
"unitard".
Penelope Cruz dons the itsy bitsy teeny weeny
yellow bikini, sans polka dots.
Reese was like "OMG I totes
slept through the Oscar noms cuz I sooo don't care, whateverrrrr, tee hee hee" and then
Heath and
Michelle were all "Oh like us too, that illegitimate baby of ours can be a real shit so we were catching some Z's and like we got nominated and
didn't even know it cuz we are sooo coooool LOL" and then we were like, "shut up, asswipes."
Elle MacPherson toasts her tater tots in the sun. Again. Plus bonus
Kylie Minogue shots (maybe old, but those breasts look perfectly healthy and cancer-free to us).
Love is blind. Really, really, really blind: Zach Braff and
Mandy Moore to
wed.
Crazy, cardboard-colored, bewigged
Jordan is going to update her tits, trading her 32FFs for a more "pert" pair, and selling the old ones on eBay (natch). "I've had them eight years now," she says of her old pair. That's like 48 in fake tit years.
Lisa Loeb ponies up
a little bra to match the thong. Either she's really desperate for attention or she just likes to show off her underoos. Either way, you have an erection.
November 16, 2004
Gyllenhaal and Ledger: Painfully, Painfully Gay
Jake Gyllenhaal claims he was left battered and bruised after shooting delightfully brutal gay love scenes with Heath Ledger for the upcoming flick,
Brokeback Mountain.
more »