filed under: Harry Morton

We've never really paid much attention to Shanna Moakler. That would kind of be like following the career of the girl who won the Hawaiian Tropic contest you saw when you were on spring break junior year. And while we do occasionally see Miss Hawaiian Tropic during our important business meetings with important men with briefcases at Hooters, we're not really watching to see what her next move is, employment wise. Shanna, however, is making it hard to resist her at the moment by trying to piss off Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. And we do follow the "career" of Paris and firmly believe that her next DVD hit will be Paris and Shanna Showdown: Cage Fight to the Death, hitting stores January '08. We're really not sure who we'll be pulling for. more »

• Heather Graham's swan song of succulent sexiness. Take a look, then tip out your King Cobra on the curb.

• Lara Flynn Boyle decorated her razory clavicles with flowers, tied some white ribbons around her prominent ulnae, rubbed some pink gloss on her colossal plastic lips, and got herself married. Mazel tov!

• Nicolette Sheridan donned sheer hose with no visible pants (aka "pulling an Olsen"). Pauly Shore took a long, hard look. And pop went the Weasel. Groan, sorry.

• Sienna Miller offers a hot new diet plan to impressionable teenage girls: just drink vodka! Oh, don't look at us like that. It's a much more heathful alternative than the Lohan "strawberry booger sugar diet" or the Nicole Richie "oxygen and carbon dioxide" diet.

• Or maybe Lohan's on the "energy drink and pretzel diet", how the fuck should we know?

• Your office holiday party hookup was indiscreet and regrettable, but at least no photographic evidence exists. Christian Slater and Sharon Stone's holiday jaunt isn't faring quite so well.

• The beautiful, talented, and intelligent Victoria Silvstedt really really hates shirts.

• We're glad Mollygood agrees with us: Adam Brody's Ian McCulloch hair is kinda hot.

• Miss USA Tara Connor was nearly stripped of her crown after pageant owner Donald Trump got wind of the fact that she was drinking underage, failed a drug test for cocaine, and was making out with Miss Teen USA in public. When asked why he allowed her to retain her title, Trump said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

• Lohan castoff Harry Morton is now feasting on the pink taco attached to Kimberly Stewart.

• K-Hole es no preggo.

• Martha Stewart briefly dated Anthony Hopkins, but could not bring herself to cook him fava beans with a nice Chianti.

Despite denials from Lindsay Lohan's camp, Harry Morton has admitted that they are officially finished as a couple. Oh, sure, Harry, nab the most famous young lady in America, get tons of publicity for your Pink Taco restaurant chain after you toss all of her panties in the incinerator, thereby forcing her to flash her own pink taco, then drop her. It's the oldest trick in the book. more »

Did Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton really break up? Was Linds really seen making out with our long lost favorite, Stamos Nachos? If someone took a picture of one of Lindsay's turds would we post it and call it newsworthy? And the answers are: maybe maybe not, possibly, and most definitely yes. more »

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!

Lindsay Lohan is one busy beaver lately, and we're not just talking about all that gash she's been flashing. Today must be official Lindsay saturation day, as she's coming at us from all sides. She's secretly married! No, she and Harry are broken up! She finally wears panties! But she forgets her pants! And Jane Fonda wants to cradle Lindsay in her nurturing bosom until Lindsay can learn to be a freakin' grown-up already. more »

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!

The shimmering, carefree days of summer have drawn to a close, the three-day weekend has reached its end, we all have profound hangovers and the Crocodile Hunter is dead. Just when we thought things couldn't sink any lower or get any bleaker, along comes stupid Harry Morton and his stupid shiny teeth and his stupid stupid fat wallet and his stupid grabby hands to gently dig a deeper nadir and smilingly nudge us into it. To wit:



Hey, jerk. Thanks for reminding us that we'll never be allowed to lay our paws on the smooshy bits attached to Lohan. Unless we somehow manage to get adopted by a billionaire entrepeneur willing to finance our foray into the lucrative world of vagina-themed Mexican eateries as well as our new veneers. Which might be soon, if that sweet Craigslist ad we just placed pans out. more »

Rumor has it that Hard Rock Cafe/Pink Taco crown prince Harry Morton recently visited Cartier to purchase an engagement ring for his oft-intoxicated inamorata, Lindsay Lohan.



Forgoing getting down on one knee and placing the ring on her trembling, outstretched finger, or the ever popular "surprising your best gal with a ring in a champagne glass," Harry instead chose to hide the bauble inside his love's rectum. Forget skywriting--nothing says "Will you marry me?" like a ring up the kazoo! more »