filed under: Halloween costumes

There are two basic ways to approach Halloween. One, you want to scare people, or at least impress people with how elaborate/creative/over-the-top your costume is. These are the Roseanne and Dan Conner types, who answer the door holding their own bloody severed head. Or two, you want to give men boners. There are the Paris Hilton/every bimbo in Hollywood/Wet Seal shopper types who stuff themselves into some get-up from Frederick's of Hollywood, slap on some kitten ears, and call it a costume. We see a lot more of the latter category in the celeb-watching blogosphere. Every year we see sexy firefighter, sexy police officer, sexy bumblebee, sexy librarian, we even once saw a sexy chihuahua. But there is one glaring exception to this sexy trend: supermodel Heidi Klum. It makes sense that someone who gets paid to look incredibly hot day after day would jump at the chance to ugly it up once a year. A sort of nice reverse dress up. This year Heidi added a few extra arms to portray the Indian goddess Kali. And while we wholly appreciate Heidi embracing Halloween's campier side, sometimes we just want to see boobies. So, after the cut, get a peek at Keeley Hazell's Halloween costume. And here's a secret: It doesn't include a shirt! more »

Back in the day, Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman fought crime with her magic lasso, roping in miscreants and forcing them to tell the truth. These days, Kim Kardashian is a wondrous woman, fighting crime with her magic ass-o, rubbing it on miscreants and forcing them to have unwelcome boners. Which may not be as implicating as admitting one's misdeeds, but a powerful crimefighter all the same.

Things that go rump in the night:





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For once we're going to do a story about extreme stupidity that involves Paris Hilton and Hilty isn't the one being a dumbass. We'd say that this backwardness would soon lead to stories about Paris Hilton not being a total skank, but we've already seen her myriad Halloween costumes, so that's not likely. Anyway, girl's gettin' sued. According to IMDB:

Paris Hilton is being sued by a woman who claims the blonde socialite 'stole' her look. The Simple Life star has been accused of causing "emotional distress" to fellow Californian, Nicolle O'Neill, who fancies herself as an inspiration to the party-loving heiress. In a bizarre personal injury complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court earlier this month, O'Neill alleges that she suffers psychologically because of Hilton and accuses the 26-year-old of ripping off her style, including fashion-related "patens" (sic) and "stiling" (sic) tips. Two pages of documents spell out specific charges against Hilton, including a claim that she stole O'Neill's idea to expose her underwear under her trousers. O'Neill also claims Paris swiped her idea to shop in vintage stores for retro dresses. Hilton has yet to issue a response to the allegations.

Poor Nicolle. Knowing that you're supposed to be the orange herpes farm with her hand on her hip and a wonk in her eye on the red carpet must be killing you. But, girl, if Paris deserves to be sued by anyone for flashing her beav cleav in public, it's us, the innocent gossip watchers who will never forget such a whorrific sight. Or maybe Sharon Stone.

Oh, and speaking of whorrific, here are a couple more Paris Halloween costumes for your perusal, because a world-class tramp can never limit herself to just one choice from the vast slutty _____ category.

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Honey, it's not a costume if you just threw on some shit you already had in your closet. Better luck next time.

Paris went for the natural look for Halloween. I.e., she's in her natural state. I.e. coated in white seamen.

After the cut, eyeball more Paris and other celebrity "slutty _____" costumes! more »

Here is a picture of Paris Hilton and Travis Barker mingling tongues on Halloween.



And here is a picture of a fellow partygoer's reaction.

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• Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

• Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

• Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

• Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

• Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.

Really, Paris? A sexy cop? Is that the best you can do? What, was sexy nurse already taken? We're just going to assume that this is your way of saying to the world that you've given up, that tomorrow you will completely give up on putting together outfits that require one nanosecond of clear thought and you will leave the house with a dish towel draped over your shoulder and the contents of a Kleenex box pasted to your naked body. But hopefully that will prepare you for next Halloween, when you can use all your pent-up sartorial energy to put together a costume with a tiny shred of creativity, like a bicycle, maybe, with your breasts acting as the horn and the bell. Or you could at least switch up the "sexy" genre of Halloween costumes and go as a sexy Wal-Mart employee or a sexy crack whore. more »

Part of an ongoing, helpful series in which we lend a friendly helping hand and brainstorm Halloween costume ideas, so you don't have to!

Step 1: Wax or shave chest. Women may skip ahead to Step 3.
Step 2: Apply bronzer liberally all over entire body.
Step 3: Pillage local thrift shop or wacky uncle's closet. Procure Jamz shorts, preferably clamdigger style.
Step 4: Insert toothbrush into mouth, roam around on Pacific Coast Highway.

All done. You're Matthew McConaughey! Truly chilling!
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All Hallow's Eve is upon us, and like many Americans, you are most likely asking yourself, "Whatever shall I be?" We at CNW would like to spare everyone another year of wading through a sea of thousands of Ali Gs, ghosts, and sexy kitty cats and offer our readers step-by-step instructions on how to whip up a piss-easy costume inspired by our favorite celebutards.

Step 1: Procure softball from sports store or local playground.
Step 2: With sharp knife or saw, cut ball in half.
Step 3: With double-sided tape or chewed bubble gum, attach ball halves firmly to chest. Do not use superglue!
Step 4: Paint self terra-cotta.
Step 5: Voila! You're Posh Spice! Spoooooooky!

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We're the kind of people who leave our Christmas lights and animatronic waving Santa out until April. The type who likes to have Turkey leftovers until Dec. 17th. And the type of people who thumb our nose at The Man and plant trees allll fuckin' year, man, not just Arbor Day. So we'd like you to join us in extending the Halloween season. Take our hand, and together we'll enjoy watching young Hollywood turn Halloween into HO-lloweener. more »