filed under: Halle Berry
May 14, 2008
Finally We Can Talk About Engagements That Don't Involve Ashlee Simpson

First he gave her a little baby bundle capable of challenging Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's title as World's Sexiest Baby, and now
Modelman has given
Halle Berry an engagement ring. According to
Showbiz Spy:
New mom Halle Berry is engaged to her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry after he gave her his grandmothers ring.
Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family, a source close to the couple said.
The ring belonged to Gabriels grandmother it was her engagement ring.
The X Men actress, 41, was snapped flashing the diamond ring in Hollywood this past weekend.
Berry gave birth to the couples first daughter, Nahla Ariela, in March.
Halle and Gabriel, 32, started dating in November 2005.
Way to get a jump on all those other Hollywood unwed mothers, Halle.
Nicole Richie and
Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn Spears are going to have to try really hard to keep up with you, you wily minx.
Also contemplating a walk down the aisle,
Reese Witherspoon and
Jake Gyllenhaal, although they're planning on having the wedding first, then moving in together, then having the babies. God, what a coupla squares. Reports
OK!:
Sitting in a cozy booth at the Hominy Grill in Charleston, S.C., on May 3, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal were the picture of happiness. Though the cheery couple, who arrived holding hands, brought their appetites, their minds weren't on food.
"They couldn't keep their eyes off each other," Hominy Grill manager Brandy Mangum tells OK!. "The entire time, he was so attentive. It was really sweet. They really do make the perfect couple."
Friends of the pair say it won't be long now before Jake pops the question to his lady love. "They've been talking marriage for a while," a source close to Reese reveals to OK!. "They'll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."
But don't expect these two to go down the route of so many Hollywood couples who move in together and start families before getting hitched. "This is a very serious relationship," the Oscar-winner's pal explains. "But Reese is very conservative and traditional. I'm sure she doesn't want her kids to see her 'living in sin.'"
When asked about their clients' plans for walking down the aisle, Reese's rep had no comment, while Jake's people claim there are no immediate plans for a wedding.
Aw, Jake will make a lovely bride. We wonder what color his bridesmaids will wear. Probably teal.
more »
May 07, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump

Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (
ONTD)
Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Mariah Carey and
Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (
Celebitchy)
What mysterious pull do these Maddens have?
Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's
Nicole Richie's Madden, not
Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (
Yeeeah!)
Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (
Holy Taco)
Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
In other
Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (
The Blemish)
Blake Lively may play a high schooler on
Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (
Fatback)
Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (
Cityrag)
Post-birth,
Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (
Flisted)
March 19, 2008
And the Kids on the Playground Shall Call Her "Ball-a Areola"

The sure-to-be facially gifted
offspring of
Halle Berry and professional handsome guy
Gabriel Aubry has a name! Welcome to the world . . . Nahla Ariela Aubry??? Reports our gossip Lamaze coach,
FemaleFirst:
[Halle says,] "We didn't have a name picked out until just before we left the hospital. For us it was hard to name the most important person in our life until we met her."
Nahla translates as honeybee in Arabic, while the Hebrew name Ariela means lioness of God. However, there could be a link to two Walt Disney films - 'The Lion King' and 'The Little Mermaid'. In 'The Lion King', the main lioness is called Nala, while Ariel is the lead character in 'The Little Mermaid'.
A source close to the actress said: "Halle has always been a huge fan of the Disney films. She wanted to make a reference to her favourite two films with the name, but added her own take on them too."
Et tu, Halle? First
Jennifer Lopez names her kids
after characters from
Dragon Tales, now Halle Berry goes Disney. Can't wait for Angelina Jolie to birth
Stormer and Cynergi and Tori Spelling to give us little
Master Blaster McDermott.
more »
March 17, 2008
Halle Berry Farts Out a Girl

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt now has a new rival. In the race to become America's Sexiest Baby, only one can be the victor, and it might just be Baby Girl Aubry, the brand new daughter birthed to
Halle Berry and her devastatingly dashing lover,
Gabriel Aubry.
Star quotes a source who says:
"Halle Berry had a 7lb 4 oz girl at 10:17am Sunday morning, March 16, at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. The actress had checked into the hospital for the second time that day after feeling contractions earlier Saturday morning . . . Halle was overcome with emotion when she finally held her little girl. She said everything she had gone through was worth that moment. The tears kept coming as Halle didn't even want the nurses to take her baby to clean her up and measure. It was a truly beautiful scene."
Of course it was a beautiful scene. For the love of Christ, it was Halle Berry with her legs spread next to a male model. When the doctor asked Halle if she'd like a mirror so that she could witness the birth, she and Gabriel probably jockeyed for position in front of it and stared, mesmerized, at their own flawless features as the baby plopped, forgotten, onto the floor. There were probably wind machines going in the delivery room.
more »
February 04, 2008
Halle Berry's B.A.P.s

So if it isn't enough that
Halle Berry consistently tops every "Sexiest Prettiest Hottest Most Desirable and Attractive Comely Dame" poll and is widely assumed to be one of the most physically fortunate persons alive, she has to go and put on a shirt made of black spiderwebs or cheesecloth or something. Just to prove that in the ninth month of her pregnancy, when most women are cursing life and in hideous discomfort, she still looks better than most 22-year-old beachwear models. Even with that curious Oprah '07 coif. And for all of you miscreants crying into your keyboards because today's Sexy Lady Storyฎ is about a pregnant lady: hey, look at that belly button. It's like getting
three nipples.
(More pics at
Drunken Stepfather)
more »
January 16, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Leg-Spreading and Fetus-Getting

Cleava Mendes. (
Drunken Stepfather)
"Dear
Brad Renfro. We came over to fuck you but you were dead. Love, Tiffany and Amber." Rest in peace, Brad. (
Fatback and Collards)
We want to "LEAVE
BRITNEY ALONE!!!!", honestly we do, but we just can't when she keeps flipping us her outer labes. (
Taxi Driver)
Jenna Jameson swears that she will "never spread her legs" for the porn industry again. She will spread Philadelphia's whipped strawberry cream cheese, though. It's the wonderfully spreadable, sweetly fruity topping with only 60 calories per serving! (
IDLYITW)
Alessandra Ambrosio caught Pregnant, too. (
The Blemish)
Zac Efron was rushed to the emergency room for an emergency highlighting. Those buttery chunks ain't gonna streak themselves. (
Derek Hail)
Lumps on
Halle Berry's torso: now there are three. (
Daily Stab)
"Now that bulbs flashing more than ever/You can see under
my dress, fellas. Ellas. Ellas. Ay. Ay." (
Cityrag)
Jennifer Garner may have been the original target of Tom's Cruise missile of love. (
Superficial)
November 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: The Rigors of Touring

Jennifer Love Hewitt is the new Kardashian. Bla-DOW! (
The Blemish)
Flash go the cameras, and out winks the
Halle Berry cotton cheek-splitter. (
Taxi Driver)
Brendan Fraser got his head replanted for the winter. (
Cityrag)
Something something about the
Hogans . . . something divorce, lawsuit something something-or-other? Oh, whatever. You'd never see the Iron Sheik in this embarrassing position. (
Derek Hail)
Vintage
Cindy Crawford--before the Pepsi commercial, before the Gere, back when Aaron Neville face goober was but a freckle on the horizon. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Amy Winehouse has cancelled all her tour dates. Her doctor cites "the rigors involved in touring" and "emotional strain" as the reasons. Which sound like legitimate medical excuses, right up there with "the vapors" and "consumption" and "the grippe". (
The Hollywood Gossip)
"Greetings and salutations.
My eyebrows are on top of my skull." (
Dlisted)
Eva Green is a gorgeous gothick angel sent from crazy
Joan Collins style heaven and placed upon this earth to teach us all about beauty and love and eyeliner. (
Lainey Gossip)
Face it--you're never going to touch
Jessica Alba. So instead, set your sights on her slightly more attainable stunt double! (
Daily Stab)
October 25, 2007
Halle Trades in Berries for Melons

We're guessing that some Hollywood lackey is currently getting his ass handed to him over the
Halle Berry/Benicio Del Toro movie
Things We Lost in the Fire. "I can't believe you didn't know there would be a huge, devastating fire in California
the same week we planned to release a movie with fire
right in the title! What the hell do we pay you for anyway, if not to look into the future and predict any calamities that may befall our wondrous work of genius and cause it to net anything less than eleventy billion dollars?!" Well, we've got a nice consolation for you, Mr. Hollywood lackey: Halle Berry's preggo boobs. You may no longer have a job and your house may be nothing but ashes, but, hey, those things are pretty spectacular. Gazing upon their plump rotundness may cause you to go into a daze of ecstasy, and when you snap out of your bonerfied state in mid 2008 the whole of southern California will be rebuilt and the Hollywood studio system will have been dismantled, replaced by an industry that forgoes things like plot and costume and just gives you pictures of naturally swollen mammaries the size of small watermelons.
more »
October 10, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Keifer in the Klink

Brittany Murphy's husband is Artie Lange??? (
Bricks and Stones)
Lindsay says that rehab was a "sobering experience". You don't say. (
IDLYITW)
Tara Reid in
FHM looking . . . good? Oh, look, a flying pig. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Charlize Theron is
Esquire's Sexiest woman. Which is a nicer honor than being
Esquire's Stinkiest Belly Button. Yeah, we're still bitter,
Esquire. Screw you jerks. (
Egotastic!)
Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'.
Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (
Derek Hail)
Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail. God, he is always trying to ape Paris's steez, man. Always. (
The Blemish)
Man of God proves that
Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . .
Gayken! (
Celebitchy)
Everybody on earth knows that
J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (
CelebWarship)
September 05, 2007
Somewhere, J. Lo is Wailing and Throwing Things
Halle Berry has announced that at long last, she and her beau, model Gabriel Aubry, have procreated. Man, is that going to be an ugly baby or what? Just look at those two, yeeeesh.
Halle broke the news via email to
Access Hollywood anchor Nancy O'Dell. IMDb/Wenn reports:
In the email, Berry wrote, "Yes, I am three months pregnant! Gabriel and I are beyond excited, and I've waited a long time for this moment in life. Now the next seven months will be the longest of my life... You heard it from ME first!" Thrilled O'Dell, who became a first-time mom earlier this summer says, "I am beyond ecstatic for my friend Halle! I told her she is about to embark on the best time of her life! She is such a sweet person... so genuine... and therefore, will make an incredible mom. And can you imagine how gorgeous this baby is gonna be! Halle sent me the most adorable bunch of clothes for my new baby... I can't wait to do the same for her."
O'Dell went on to say, "Seriously, this is so great for my really good friend Halle Berry! When we were hanging out last week I was like, 'Halle, my best boo, you sure do look pregnant,' but she didn't say anything then, although we laughed and linked arms like best best girlfriends do! Then my really close friend Halle Berry and I had a spa day and went shoe shopping and wound up the day with a sleepover where we exchanged lockets that say 'BFF'. Also, I know Halle Berry!"
more »
April 11, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: If Everyone Smoked Weed

Kirsten Dunst is all, "Like, if the whole world smoked weed, man . . . there would be no wars and crime and stuff. You knowwww?" Oh
man. Totally, dude. Seeeriously. (
Yeeeah!)
Selma Blair's boyfriend is rumored to be shopping for rings in preparation for popping the question. Which is better than swabbing your anal ring in preparation for pooping. OR IS IT???? (
IMDb)
Rachel McAdams and that
Notebook guy are also going to get hitched. Mazel tov. (
D Listed)
Halle Berry bare-ys her berries (kinda) in
Esquire. (
Egotastic!)
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn: reunited? And it feels so . . . eeeuuughhhh. (
Cityrag)
Jordan gets her fetus pierced! (
Faded Youth)
FHM goes heaving on the smoothing tool in Photoshop, makes
Kim Stewart look slightly less embarrassing. Young Turks be free tonight
indeed! Wait, what does that mean. (
Hollywood Tuna)
Howard Stern (not K.) luxuriates in the warm, comforting, leathery glow of Don Imus's verbal gaffe. (
Radar)
Brad and
Angelina allegedly purchase $140 million yacht made of marble and gold, because they are Liberace. (
PopSugar)
Par-ass Hilton. (
Taxi Driver)
Snoop Dogg is facing up to four years in prison. Comeback album entitled
From the Dogghouse to the Big House . . . and Back Again dropping in 2011. (
Celebitchy)
Jessica Alba busts out her pantaloons to assuage our Dane Cook-assaulted eyes. (
IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
April 04, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "A Shadowy Flight Into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist."

Usher Raymond's life is unnecessarily
complicated.
OMG,
KITT is for sale! For a mere $100K, you can own a 1982 Trans Am that doesn't actually speak.
Tori Spelling's new bundle of joy
graces People, has mom's original nose.
Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder
shucks bra for a magazine called
Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch
cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.
We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it
happens to
Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.
Suri Cruise:
silent naked weave-styling (last item).
Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with
cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.
Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does
Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that
"oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.
Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of
celebrity lipo.
March 07, 2007
Mr. Skin Presents March Nakedness 2007

Do you ever think to yourself, "Gee, I love basketball and the thrill of picking an NCAA winner, but there just aren't enough
titties during March Madness"? We're sure you have. Now thanks to Mr. Skin you can take the homoerotic joy you usually get out of watching strapping young men in silky shorts fondle balls and apply it to your love of all things mammary with
March Nakedness!
more »
January 18, 2007
Hot Legs, Charlize is Wearin' Me Out

A flame-painted PT Cruiser pulls up to the curb. The door opens. Out pops four pump-shod women, one of whom has just been given the trampy makeover of her life by the other three. They wreak havoc on the denizens of a diner as three men--two bearded and one just named "Beard"--apparate, chuckling and throwing gold-plated keychains around. The made over woman is
Charlize Theron. She's got legs. And she knows how to use them.
more »
January 17, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Brangelina in the Big Easy

You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray J, or you can call me the penis in the
Kim Kardashian sex tape, but ya doesn't hafta call me
Whitney Houston's new
boy toy. Oh wait, yes you do.
Friends think
Britney is
pregnant again because she is bloated, barfy, and "relaxed and happy". Sounds more like a few too many mangotinis to us.
Keith Urban is
out of rehab and on the loose! Now he can get down to the important business of realizing he has nothing in common with his
wife aside from Australianism. Divorcewatch begins now.
Mischakini.
Brad and
Angelina rescue orphans from life-threateningly dangerous foreign countries only to
move them to . . . life threateningly dangerous American cities.
The Beckhams are coming! The
Beckhams are coming! And they're bringing
nipples!
Keeley Hazell seems to have
lost her dignity along with her garments.
There will be a
formal inquest into the death of
Anna Nicole's son, around the same time she will be forced to have her baby undergo a paternity test so we can find out if the father is her glassy-eyed money-grubbing lawyer/houseboy or the frosted-tipped money-grubbing paparazzo. And then she will find out that Larry Birkhead was her brother all along, and that she has a twin who faked her death, and that she actually has been suffering from amnesia this whole time, and is a Russian czarina!
Halle Berry gives herself a
titty twister. Why? Shrug. Just cuz.
Paula Abdul explains away her recent Michael J. Foxish television appearances, and says she takes being a role model seriously. Too bad nobody else takes her seriously as a role model.
more »
January 04, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Federlohan

Halle Berry might be
preggo. For no other reason than to stick it to Julia Roberts.
Justin Timberlake is just not that into
Cameron Diaz. Sound the
death gong.
Adrianne Curry dons her
new plastic breasts on the red carpet.
Owen Wilson will break up a
lady's marriage, then
refuse to commit to her. Don't you know he's loco?
Oh,
Kid Rock. You may be an "American Badass" but you cannot
beat up Tommy Lee OR a family of four.
And to think we were one chlamydia-riddled
hookup away from Federlohan!
Console yourselves with more pictures of more
Lohan in yet another
bikini.
You might keep calling
Rosie fat and lezboish,
Donald Trump, but you know what? Your
wife is
naked. That's right. We said it. Naked. How you gonna get out of this one, Trump? Huh? Huh?
Though Donald might allow soiled Miss USA
Tara Connor to
pose for Playboy. Somewhere, right now,
Vanessa Williams is saying, "aw HELL no."
Pam Anderson really
classed it up for her
Howard Stern appearance.
Leo DiCraprio has jumped on the bandwagon and
adopted an African child. Well, like, she won't be coming back to America to live in his palatial homes or eat food prepared by his personal chef or be educated in the finest schools. She'll stay in her homeland and every once in a while Leo will send her a check or call her on the phone. So basically she's not getting a dad, she's getting a deadbeat dad. Nice.
June 09, 2006
ScarJo's Got the Best of the Breast
So what were the serious journalists over at
In Touch doing while
People was negotiating their $4.1 million buy of the
Brangelina family fun pics? They were rating celebrity racks. Because who cares about Piloh Shitt when there are boobs to ogle?
more »
June 01, 2006
Halle Berry: Rated X, Man.
Halle Berry recently told Conan O'Brien that she occasionally wears her X-Men costume in the bedroom when she's entertaining her gentleman caller. You'll recall that
Hugh Jackman made
similar claims not too long ago. But there's one big difference--when Halle Berry wears her X-Men costume in the bedroom, she takes it off to accept a human male's penis into her body. And when Hugh Jackman wears his X-Men costume in the bedroom, he takes it off to accept a human male's penis into his body. Huh. Guess that's not a big difference at all.
more »
May 24, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Cleavage, Cleavage, Cleavage
Nicole Richie and DJ AM have
officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.
Ryan Seacrest
pulls a Heather Chandler.
Naomi Campbell "
keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.
Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes:
Halle Berry's
berries!
Up next:
Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her
old girls!
And finally,
Alyssa Milano's Micelli
mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!
Michelle Rodriguez is heading
back to jail. Must be a
dream come true for her.
Michelle Williams's dad was
jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.
Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son
Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.
Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter
Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.
May 18, 2006
Brett Ratner: Artist First, Sleazetrap Second
We can only think of one person who comes close to being a bigger pile of cat turds than Brandon Davis, and that man is
Brett Ratner. (OK, maybe
Chris "no fat chicks" Klein.) Ratner has spent the last few years yelling "Action!" and "Cut!" and pretending he knows what those words mean, but it h