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filed under: Gwyneth Paltrow

September 17, 2008

Gwyneth Platrow Eats Like a Horse (Apples and Oats, Apples and Oats)

Gwyneth Paltrow just can't diet, guys. She can't! It's too hard! So don't ask her to diet, cause she won't do it. No siree, she won't. She told Oprah:

I just cannot diet. I think maybe it's the idea that you can't have something ... I just can't do it. It's worth it to me to do that extra exercise so I can eat what I want and not think about it.

Because cramming about twenty carrot sticks (plain carrot sticks, mind you, not dipped in fatty, delicious hummus) into your mouth and calling it lunch before hopping on the treadmill for three hours isn't a diet; that's just Gwyneth's normal state of being. Girl likes carrot sticks. more »

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July 10, 2008

Apple and Moses, Meet Your New Brother, Chewbacca

You think that Sunday and Levi are names worthy of getting a kid 's teeth knocked out behind the jungle gym? Wait till you meet little Chewy Martin. Luckily his parents won't have any trouble understanding his strange language, as to them names and words and such are nothing but noises. The San Francisco Chronicle reports on Chris Martin's baby-name theory:

Coldplay rocker Chris Martin is sticking up for celebrities with unusually named children, insisting names are "just noises."

Martin and his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, delved deep into the baby name book to hand their 2-year-old son the Biblically themed Moses, after giving daughter Apple, 4, a fruity moniker.

But the singer insists there's nothing odd about choosing a unique name.

He tells Blender magazine, "People make a big fuss over names. Names of babies, names of albums, names of bands.

"There's nothing weird about calling your baby Chewbacca if that's what you want to call your baby. It's no stranger than Sarah.

"A name is just a noise, and, if you like it, then [bleep] what everyone else says."

Thanks for the idea, Chris. We just found this really sweet size 2T head-to-toe fur snowsuit, but we weren't sure what infant on earth would be worthy of such couture. But now that Chris has so helpfully chosen the perfect baby name for us, we better get to procreatin'!

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July 07, 2008

Madonna Ruins (Someone Else's) Marriage, Kisses Gwyneth

Madonna is still insisting that the Ciccone-Ritchies are one big happy family, but supposed schtup mate A-Rod's wife filing for divorce and citing second-hand Madge vadge cooties as the primary reason makes Madonna's story sound a little fishy. We try not to care too much about who's porking who, mostly because famous people go through hump partners like we go through underwear (so about once a week, we're estimating), and it's just too hard to keep up, especially when one of the people involved is a sports star. Give us a good Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie marriage-ending affair, and we're interested. But Madonna f'ing some guy who plays with balls for a living? She might as well be doing a regional accountant for Costco. They have about the same level of fame to us. One thing this affair has done though is distract us from the real story (that Madge, she's wily): Madonna's estranged brother's upcoming tell-all. The Sun reports on the book's first leaked story:

A biography by the Queen of Pop�s brother claims to lift the lid on Madge�s sexual conquests, love affairs, drug-taking and rows with husband GUY RITCHIE.

And it will tell how Madonna, now 49, flirted with Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow at a glamorous New Year party thrown by leading fashion designer DONATELLA VERSACE.

The Like A Virgin singer was dancing on a table at 4am when she dragged Gwyneth up to join her.

Younger brother Christopher Ciconne will tell how he watched as the pair started dancing together.

Then � as party-goers watched in amazement � Madonna grabbed Gwynnie, pulled her to her and kissed the stunned Hollywood star full on the mouth.

Oh my God, we are so shocked. Madonna has never done anything this shocking. (Yawn.) We can't believe she kisses girls. Our world is shattered, life has ended, etc, etc, etc. What's next, brother Christopher? Are you going to tell us that Madonna dyes her hair? more »

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May 20, 2008

Gwyneth Paltrow Recaptures Youth by Flashing Boob

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Young actresses will go to great lengths to get noticed, even (or perhaps especially) if they've been given a leg up by their famous parents. And by "great lengths," of course we mean showing off their kajooblies on film. But then they get the accolades, pop out a few kiddos, and it's curtains (and shirts) closed. But while Angelina Jolie seems to be sticking fast to this template, Gwyneth Paltrow is yelling, "I'll show you, world; I don't adhere to your rules" by giving up one solitary boob. Reports Roger Friedman of FOX News:

You don�t really think of Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow as the racy type.

But in her new film, "Two Lovers," which debuted at the Cannes Film Festival Monday night, she quite surprisingly bares a single breast. The shot is, shall we say, head-on into the camera. And it�s for more than a couple of seconds. This is no wardrobe malfunction. It�s on purpose. (To paraphrase a great "Seinfeld" quote: "They're real � and they�re spectacular!")

Of course, this moment � it�s the left breast, by the way � is meant to be part of the story; it�s exactly what her manipulative character would do to land her man, in this case a character played by Joaquin Phoenix. In "Two Lovers," Phoenix plays a mentally jumbled lonely guy who tries to juggle romances with both Paltrow�s selfish car crash of a mistress and Vinessa Shaw�s girl next door.

Since popping out little Apple and Moses, Gwyneth hasn't allowed anything to pop out of her top, so this breast baring, while seemingly minor, is a nice surprise. Not as nice of a surprise as a leaked sex tape featuring Gwyneth and Chris Martin engaging in mopey, weepy sex while Gwyn waits for a batch of flax crackers to bake, but nice nonetheless. more »

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January 16, 2008

Celebrities Spending Writer's Strike Having Tons of Sex, Getting Knocked Up

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Just like your 35-year-old spinster sister, Hollywood is baby crazy. We're beginning to think that Governor Arnold secretly passed a law that every showbiz personality must spawn by the year 2010 or be forced to spend two years working the craft services table. Jennifer Aniston better start prepping her uterus, because we hear she's a mess with a chafing dish. more »

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January 15, 2008

Get Well Soon, Gwynnie

Pretty-haired thespian Gwyneth Paltrow has been admitted to the hospital after suffering a mystery disease. Acute uppitiness? According to US:

Gwyneth Paltrow was admitted to New York's Mount Sinai Hospital yesterday afternoon, Usmagazine.com has learned.

"She was slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin," an eyewitness tells Us. "She looked not well."

At 6:30 p.m., a bag � labeled "Gwyneth Martin" � from NYC organic home supply store Organics Avenue was delivered.

A source tells Us she and Martin were spending the night.

The reason for the hospitalization is unknown.

Her rep tells Us, "We are not commenting as it's a personal matter."

"Personal matter" is the excuse that girls used in 9th grade gym class when they didn't want to go swimming, so we're just going to assume that this is nothing serious and that Gwyneth Paltrow is simply sitting on a Carefree maxi, refusing to use a tampon because that would mean she wasn't a virgin anymore. Either that or she has something really embarrassing, like green diarrhea or a marble shoved in her nose or the clap. Excuse us--the correct medical terminology is "crotch rot".

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February 26, 2007

Glamour, Glitz, and Taped-Down Tits! It's Oscar Fashion!

Hey, the Oscars were last night. Some people won some stuff, Beyonc� attempted to outsing Jennifer Hudson, Ellen Degeneres vacuumed, but most importantly, there were these people who did shadowy somersaults to form interpretations of movie logos with their bodies, making us clap like wind-up monkeys and cry "Again! Again!" Oh, and famous ladies wore dresses worth more than our salaries, so peruse the fashion here and here. In case you're wondering why we chose Gwyneth Paltrow to illustrate this post, it's not because we think she was the best-dressed. It's because this one time when we were seven years old, we went to the Franklin Mall with our mom and ate a cheeseburger and an Orange Julius. We bought some ColorForms, and because we were playing with them during the drive home instead of looking out the window, we got carsick and barfed all over the backseat of the Opel. And we'd never seen that cheeseburger, Orange Julius, and stomach acid color again until now, via Gwyneth's Zac Posen. Hey, you asked.

Once we figure out who slipped nip at the show, we'll be back with more! more »

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June 28, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Out-Divaing the Divas

� Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

� So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

� Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

� Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

� Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

� Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

� Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

� Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

� Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

� Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!

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April 20, 2006

Moses Martin Does Not Suffer Fools.

Tiny Moses Martin just seems to instinctively know that the golden-maned woman clutching him to her bosom is the very same beast behind his unbelievably stupid moniker, and naturally shrinks, wincing and horrified, from her touch.

more »

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April 10, 2006

Paltrow Pops Moses Martin

Here we've been watching Katie Holmes through our gossip telescope waiting for her to deflate the pillow under her shirt and magically turn it into a real live baby (Scientology makes you magic, people), and we were so distracted that we totally forgot that Gwyneth Paltrow even existed, let alone that she was carrying a spawn of her own. Now Gwyneth has produced (Ha! Produce! Apple!) another tiny human, proving once and for all the old hypothesis that incubating a Martin takes about four months, while incubating a Cruise takes roughly three and a half years. (We learned that one in chemistry class right after memorizing the periodic table.) more »

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March 30, 2006

Guinness Paltrow

So pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow drank a Guinness. Big fuckin' deal. Our mom drank a bottle of Jim Beam and smoked three packs of Pall Malls a day when she was pregnant with us, and that tail was really easy to remove. more »

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February 22, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Stay Golden, Betty

� A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

� Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

� Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

� An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

� PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

� We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

� Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

� Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

� Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!

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February 14, 2006

Chris Martin's Pants Hate Him Just as Much as You Do

We thought that between the two of them Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Chris Martin had about as much of a sense of humor as Droopy Dog, but apparently we were wrong. Martin at least can crack a joke. It just takes his pants falling down in front of thousands of people. more »

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February 07, 2006

Actually, Basil Pasta Sounds Pretty Good Right About Now

Gwyneth Paltrow is hoping and praying that, despite raising her in England, her daughter Apple will develop an American accent, because she hates the way Brits pronounce "basil" and "pasta". We guess saying "Ahhhn-tony Hupkins" is fine, however. more »

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February 02, 2006

Ice Ice Paltrow

Remember the time you heard about the rumored remake of Dirty Dancing that was going to star Ricky Martin and Britney Spears but then it never happened? You thought that was the greatest cinematic missed opportunity in history. Well, you were wrong. That distinction belongs to the never materialized pairing of Gwyneth Paltrow and Vanilla Ice. (OK, so maybe modern-day, golden-showers-loving Ricky and unwashed, Tato Skins-bloated Britney could have surpassed that.) more »

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January 13, 2006

Gwyneth Paltrow's New Fetus: A Day Late and a Whole Lotta Sex Appeal Short

So Gwyneth Paltrow has officially announced that she's pregnant. Usually this would be big news and people would joke over what the kid would be named. (At this point we think that the Paltrow-Martin household uses the "pick up the first reading material you see and point to a word" strategy of child naming, with Apple coming from a Macintosh catalog and the rumored Capone coming from an encyclopedia on American crime. The kid's just lucky its parents don't read The Wall Street Journal, cause if they did the poor thing could have been saddled with something like Fiduciary.) But since this announcement comes the day after we officially learned of the Jolie-Pitt super fetus, we just say, "Enh." more »

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January 04, 2006

Gangsters and Ghosts and Rabbits, Oh My!

Remember how yesterday we told you that Gwyneth Paltrow might be naming her ~~excuse for getting fat~~ incubating baby Capone and you thought she had gone the route of Tom Cruise and was never coming back from that land where unicorns eat people and shit smells like fresh-baked cookies? Well, now she thinks ghosts are after her. It's going to take more than an infant-sized gat to scare her back to reality. more »

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January 03, 2006

Gwyneth's Baby Already Mocked in the Womb

And you thought she couldn't top "Apple" . . . the name Gwyneth Paltrow has chosen for her new baby is pure crapple. more »

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December 28, 2005

Apple Ruined Gwyneth's Apples

Apple Martin, the fruit (haw!) of Gwyneth Paltrow's loins, rendered the fruit (guffaw!) of her mother's chest twisted, hideous, misshapen, sagging, eye-singeingly deformed. Thanks a bundle, Apple, you ungrateful little shit. more »

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December 14, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Desperate Housewhite

� Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

� Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

� Die Hiltons!

� Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

� And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

� Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

� Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

� When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

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October 26, 2005

Gwyneth Paltrow: Baby Factory

Gwyneth Paltrow and her fey Coldplay husband Chris Martin have reproduced yet again. Tears of joy, awe, congratulatory handshakes, hearty high-fives, gasps, over-the-top chest-clutching, impassioned dancing in the streets, fainting, tickertape parade, baby animal sacrifice, etc., to come. more »

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September 29, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Bared Boobies N' Big Bellies

� The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.

� Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!

� Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.

� Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.

� Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.

� Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.

� Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.

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May 19, 2005

Gwyneth's Apple Eats Apples (Is That Cannibalism?)

Gwyneth Paltrow is determined not to let her daughter Apple grow up to be a freak. So we're guessing she's had a bit of a change of heart since she named the kid Apple. more »

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Mr. Skin's Nudity Review: Gwyneth Paltrow
CNdb: Gwyneth Paltrow Review

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