filed under: Guy Ritchie

Yesterday, Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg issued a statement asserting that Madge and spouse Guy Ritchie were absolutely not divorcing. And to drive the point home, Madonna and Guy went to dinner last night, holding hands, and took special pains to get photographed as much as possible. Diabolical! Ah, just look at their joyous faces. The very picture of marital bliss. Three guesses as to what Guy is carrying in that quilted floral bag. The first two guesses don't count. The third guess is "his own nuts".





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We guess that going on a spouse-free vacation and returning with the gift of an adopted African child instead of a T-shit that says "My Wife Went To Malawi and All I Got Was a Case of Dysentery" can take a toll on a marriage. Rumor has it that Madonna has (finally, expectedly) started divorce proceedings against accomplished filmmaker husband Guy Ritchie. UK gossip Holy Moly has the exclusive scoop:

Sources have revealed exclusively to Holy Moly that Madonna has hired Britain's toughest divorce lawyer, Nicholas Mostyn QC, to kick start divorce proceedings against her husband of eight years, Guy Ritchie.

Mostyn will no doubt strike fear into the heart of Guy – he is the man who sorted out Heather Mills, trounced Earl Spencer and almost destroyed Ray Parlour in his previous high profile divorce cases.

Suggestions made seem to indicate that, surprisingly, Madonna and Guy do NOT have a pre-nup in place, leaving Guy in line to walk away with up to half of Madge's fortune (according to Forbes she earned $72m last year alone).

Long standing rumours of a rift between the couple are finally confirmed with this news, as Holy Moly's sources suggest nothing more than "growing apart" as the reason for the split. They have spent increasing amounts of time apart with both Madonna's new album and tour and Guy's revived movie career are cited as reasons. The adoption of David Banda attracted a huge wave of negative publicity, allegedly putting further strain on the relationship. The couple have one other son, Rocco, and Lourdes, Madonna's daughter from a relationship with her fitness instructor Carlos Leon.

Madge's meeting with Nicholas Mostyn took place at his London office just over ten days ago.

Don't put any bets on seeing this dragged into the courts McCartney-style though – we can only assume that both Madonna and Guy Ritchie will want to keep this a very private affair.

Having said that, Madonna is theoretically entitled to half of Guy's fortune too – which at least means she'll be able to continue making money out of Snatch. Pleasure.

Holy Moly has approached Madonna's UK representative and is awaiting a response.

What Ritchie is likely to receive as a settlement: enough cash to fund a couple dozen Kabbalah-deprogramming centers (he'll be the first client); the master prints for Swept Away, some liter fluid, and a book of matches; Madonna's faux British accent. What Madonna will walk away with: a completely new identity. And if she has trouble coming up with yet another personality on short notice, we don't think Celestia is getting much use these days; perhaps Madge could co-opt and revive her. more »

If there's one thing Madonna is good at, it's marketing herself. She knows to never allow the public to grow tired of you. That's why she changes her image every eighteen months. Variety. And apparently she takes the same approach when it comes to her family. She and Lourdes represent North America, Guy and Rocco Europe, David Africa. Now she wants to expand to Asia via the Indian subcontinent. After she blazes through South America and Australia, though, she's kind of screwed, as there probably aren't too many orphans wandering around Antarctica, unless you count penguins. Our gossip genealogist, FemaleFirst, reports:

Madonna is set to adopt a baby from India.

The '4 Minutes' singer - who is in the final stages of formally adopting two-year-old Malawian son David Banda - is keen to open her home to a disadvantaged Indian tot after she fell in love with the country following her visit this year.

During the trip - on which Madonna was accompanied by husband Guy Ritchie, David and her two other children Lourdes, 11, and seven-year-old Rocco - the family spoke to Bollywood choreographer Sandip Soparrkar, who has adopted an Indian baby.

Sandip said: "We spoke about how there are so many children in India who need homes."

Madonna - who has given up her attempt to adopt a little girl from Africa after growing frustrated with the process - and Guy initially clashed over the idea but they have now decided it will be good for the family.

A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "Madonna was very taken with Sandip. He told her there were orphans who would melt her heart. Guy was against the idea, but when she wants something, she gets it.

"After the stress of adopting David, Guy thought Madonna was mad to want to go through it all again. But they talked and talked and decided adopting a baby from India would be easier."

Why is that when Angelina Jolie pulls this whole "global citizen" thing we buy it, but when it's Madonna it seems completely inauthentic? It's not like Angie has a proven track record of sticking with her trendy character quirks. She's abandoned lesbianism, gothiness, incest. That's worse than Madonna abandoning cone bras and cross burning. And Madonna has stuck with this whole Kabbalah thing for a really long time, so there seems to be a better-than-average chance that Madonna won't tire of her Indian baby in a year and half and try to pass it on to Sharon Stone or someone. more »

Recently we watched the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies. And after a whole lot of dick jokes from Justin Timberlake, we were surprised by Madonna's speech. She seemed nice and warm and overall human, and she even dropped her faux British accent after the first couple of minutes. It reminded us of why we loved Madonna when we were in the third grade. Plus, seeing a shirtless Iggy Pop jump into the audience of old white dudes and yell at them to "feel the music" while singing "Ray of Light" was kind of genius. But you know what we thought was odd? Not only was Madonna's husband, Guy Ritchie, not in attendance, Madge didn't so much as mention him during her entire speech. She thanked her publicist for three whole minutes, but there wasn't even a passing mention of Guy. Weird, right? Well, maybe not so much, as the couple is barely on speaking terms these days and hopes to soon have an entire ocean between them. Page Six reports:

IS Madonna about to get into the groove as a single woman again with a dramatic relocation from London to New York - without Guy Ritchie?

The pop queen and her movie-director husband's seven-year marriage is on the rocks, according to Page Six sources and reports out of Britain.

"Madonna is said to have lost respect for Ritchie when she found out he had embellished his past," one in-the-know Briton told us. "Far from the tough, working-class London dude he adoringly echoed in 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,' he's actually a privileged, prep school boy who chose to affect a gangland accent and walk with a street swagger. Brits can spot this at 100 yards, or hear it in an accent. Yanks, alas, can't."

But while Madonna might feel she has worn out her welcome in England, Ritchie is loath to leave his native country. "He's known in the UK as a moviemaker homeboy-made good," our source explained, "while in the US, he's just the foreign half-wit who took Madonna from her American homeland and made her talk all funny."

The couple's pals told Britain's Sun newspaper yesterday they're already living separate lives, having divided their country and city homes into "his and hers quarters" to avoid each other. "The marriage is hanging by a thread. No one doubts they adore their three kids, but the children seem to be the only reason they are living this strange loveless existence," one friend of the couple told the paper.

Madonna is headed to Manhattan with Lourdes, 11, Rocco, 7, and David, 2, Britain's News of the World reports, quoting one source: "Madonna and Guy are over. It's all very amicable. They've just fallen out of love with each other."

Baloney, says Madonna's rep, Liz Rosenberg. "All is well and wonderful in the Ritchie household," she told us. "Their marriage is definitely not hanging by a thread. Madonna has no plans to move to New York . . . Separate wings? I think not. I am delighted to confirm [they] remain happily married . . . They're still both sharing Cloud 9 - as opposed to Client 9, ha-ha!"

Still, speculation about the Material Mom's second marriage has been in overdrive. Ritchie wasn't with his wife when she was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last week. And he skipped her Raising Malawi charity drive at the United Nations last month.

Ho, ho, Client 9, how timely. You really are a card, Liz Rosenberg. We can see why you got such a glowing thanks during Madonna's induction speech. All Guy Ritchie ever did was take Madonna's already limping, cancer-ridden acting career, pump it full of arsenic, stab it a couple of hundred times, and put a silver bullet in its head. He definitely didn't deserve a thank you. more »

So Madonna. You've got a pretty big purse there. And it looks like it might hold a tube of lipstick, a couple of tampons, and your wallet. So why the hell didn't you stick your Purple Penetrator in your damn purse instead of letting the paps catch snaps of your fake penis? Also, shouldn't you own roughly 8,000 strap-ons by now? Did you lose your collection to customs when you moved to England? Or did Guy not want Dennis Rodman's ass cooties coming near his orifices?

For the Purple Penetrator close-up, check out Yeeeah!

Madonna plans to meditate over some water and use it to save the planet from nuclear waste. That is if she isn't kidnapped by the Russian mob first. more »