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The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Fergie
June 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke
Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (The Blemish) Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)
Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)
Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)
Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)
Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)
In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)
Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)
Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)
Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)
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March 20, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Pregalicious
Her bump. Her bump her bump her bump. Her lovely baby bump. Check it out. (Yeeeah!) Pete Wentz says he one attempted suicide with a bottle of Ativan and some Jeff Buckley. Hell, Pete, if it's uncontrollable vomiting you're after, try listening to your own music. BURN! (Celebitchy)
Scary celebrity faces. Poor Busey never gets a damn break. (Cityrag)
Adriana Lima beans! The virgin model gets nude for GQ. (Popoholic)
Kate Moss and her boyfriend sing and dance on Jim Morrison's grave. Then afterwards they made a slam book and drank a wine cooler and totally stole one of Kate's mom's Virginia Slims and pierced each other's ears with safety pins!!! You guys are sooo busted!!!! (FemaleFirst)
Eliot Spitzer's paid lady companion, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, once Went Wild. (Drunken Stepfather)
Is there a Jennifer Aniston tell-all in the works? We are on the cusp of finally, finally learning how she gets that glass-like hair sheen! (PopCrunch)
Gaze upon the spawn of J. Lo! Admire them! Bow! Bow, minions! (Allie Is Wired)
February 11, 2008
Fergie Tells Kids: "No Humps, No Humps, No Teenage Sexy Humps"
If we were in high school and were battling with the decision of whether or not to have sex, we're sure a special assembly in the gym at which a famous person told us not to do it would be very helpful. Sure, we'd probably still end up getting a girl to feel sorry for us, take her out to Burger King, then try to hump her leg in the car on the way home. But maybe if it were Fergie telling us to keep it in our pants we'd listen. According to Starpulse (via Celebitchy): Singer Fergie took to the stage at a New York high school on Tuesday to teach students about AIDS prevention and safe sex. The Black Eyed Peas star, who was once addicted to crystal methamphetamine, urged the 10th graders at Murry Bergtraum High School to never allow themselves to be pressurized into sex without a condom.We're really glad that Fergie is concerned about kids being "pressurized" into sex, which we think means that she is against airplane-bathroom hookups involving teens, but we're disappointed that she didn't mention the tactics she's come up with to turn her boyfriend off of sex, i.e., letting him see her with urine all over herself. Although she was talking to teenagers, who have a statistically high probability of dating R. Kelly, so maybe that tactic isn't foolproof.
She told the assembled 15-year-olds, In high school I cheated on my boyfriends - whatever! (But) do you really want that person whos just going to like you if you have unprotected sex?
Speaking after the event, Fergie added, Its about building self-esteem. Thats what its going to take for young people to have protected sex. They have to stick to their guns.
December 28, 2007
CNW Holiday Junk Drawer: 'Tis the Season to Be Drunky
Please allow these links to tide you over until January 2, when we will be hangover-free and ready to devote ourselves to bringing you nipple slips and Tinseltown fetuses once again. Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI and drug possession. Way to be Scrooges, cops. (TMZ)
Fergie is engaged! To a man, even! Flossy, flossy. (A Socialite's Life)
Jessica Alba is also engaged. Awwww, now her baby won't be a bastard. Cute! (Derek Hail)
Robin Wright and Sean Penn are not engaged, however. In fact, they are getting a divorce. Perhaps she finally got a glimpse of him in the cold hard light of day. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Et tu, Brendan Fraser and wife? Oh, Encino Man, why can't you and your onion field hair plugs make love last? (Celebitchy)
The sirer of Jamie Lynn Spears's unborn doohicky might not be Casey Aldridge. It might, instead, be Kevin Federline. Juuuuuust kidding, it's some old dude. (Yeeeah!)
Gaze upon these photos of Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini and be revived. And then note sadly that Michael Bolton is the master of that body, and shrivel, groaning in pain. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sharon Stone trots out those nips for a trip around the block. (Celeb Warship)
Lindsay Lohan might as well face it, she's addicted to dong. (Egotastic!)
Leelee Sobieski. TeeTee Boobichesti. (The Blemish)
December 20, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: David Silver's Best Gal
Megan Fox seems to have misplaced her shirt. We all win! (Egotastic!) Brad Pitt thinks that orphans come from his anus. (Allie Is Wired)
Britney's not the only one who enjoys mama's lollipops in front of Sean and JJ. Only Daddy's lollipops come in a pretty glass container and smell funny. (Yeeeah!)
Fergie is coming clean about her dirtied drawers. (Cityrag)
Ashley Tisdale's new nose gives you glad tidings. (Drunken Stepfather)
Britney proves she owns undies. (Taxi Driver)
Tony Parker is not just French, he's litigious. Doubly obnoxious! (Daily Stab)
Tom Cruise's older children call Katie Holmes "Mom". They call Tom "Intergalactic Overlord Patriarchal Cyborg Unit #6599202B". (Celebitchy)
Tara Reid sports a bikini. And what appears to be Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat from 2002. (The Blemish)
Monica Bellucci has thingies. They're, like, round things. Kind of pinkish? They're a little bit below her collarbone. You know, whosiwhatsits. (Hollywood Tuna)
October 31, 2007
Duhamel Desires Fergie Baby, Doggie Style
Josh Duhamel is ready to make babies with his significant other, Fergie. Aw, that's so cute. He thinks she's not a dude. He tells OK! mag:
Ive got a lot of friends with kids. Two of my friends have three kids. They all have kids except for meso I got to get on the horse!"Horse" isn't really the most appropriate term to use when describing your longtime girlfriend. Though it is Fergie. "Pug" would be appropriate. So would "Hyena-dinosaur hybrid". Josh goes on to say that his experience as an expectant father on Las Vegas has prepared him for what's in store:
Ive never been through that and its sort of dawned on me as I go wait, that probably would happen. Maybe she would take it as you not being sexually attracted to her when in fact, maybe youre just worried that youre going to hurt the baby. . . And you realize you cant hurt the baby. Youve just got to do it doggie style. NO!We like that Josh's first reaction to imagining normal sexual relations with Fergie is "NO!" Later, when the interviewer gently explained to Josh that making Fergie pregnant would also involve him placing his penis inside of her vagina and releasing his semen into said receptacle, Josh dropped to the ground and clutched his lower abdomen, writhing in pain and anguish, before asking what he was supposed to do with her penis during all of this. more »
August 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: An Elle of a Bod
If you're "board", Elle MacPherson in a bikini will make you whip up a batch of your own sex wax. Har de har. (Drunken Stepfather) Someone give Renee Zellweger a part in Bridget Jones 3, stat. (Yeeeah!)
Paris Hilton rubs her nipple on a bear. (Egotastic!)
Madonna: arms of an ultimate fighter, hands of an ancient oak tree. (Cityrag)
Owen Wilson's funnyman exterior belies the coketacular pain within. (GlossLip)
Diora Baird stars in the upcoming film Young People Fucking. How cryptic. What could that possibly be about? (The Blemish)
Keira Knightley is all, "Being famous sucks. I'm ugly. Tits." (Daily Stab)
Fergie's got it coming out of both ends now. (Dlisted)
Not satisfied with ingesting nicotine the old-fashioned way, Keith Richards eats a cigarette onstage. Next up in is quest for a new buzz: ketamine eye wash and crack rock earplugs. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
July 11, 2007
Josh Duhamel Gives Fergie the Pole
We say "Scarlett Johansson working a stripper pole" and what's your reaction? Pupils turning into beating hearts, groin-tingling, a little tongue lolling? Now we say "Fergie on a stripper pole" and what happens? Anguished wailing, dry heaving, rocking and involuntarily shaking? Right. Curiously enough, Fergie's saintly boyfriend, actor Josh Duhamel, is actually excited about the prospect of a Cabbage Patch Kid with cornrows rubbing her mons pubis on an object in his domicile. Page Six says:
Josh Duhamel . . . just installed a stripper pole at home so live-in girlfriend Fergie can entertain him with a little bump and grind. "Fergie is taking lessons, but she won't get on it until she knows what she's doing, 'cause she doesn't want to look stupid," Duhamel tells next month's Glamour.Thank God. We wouldn't want Fergie to look stupid. more »
July 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Ambien And Candie's
Scarlett Johansson dons septum piercing, (fake?) tattoo; dresses like Hot Lips Houlihan. (CityRag) Hunkosaurus Rex John Stamos blames his recent slurry interview on Ambien. Right now, David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul are cursing themselves for not thinking of that one first. (Glitterati Gossip)
Crack-addicted, clammy, rotten-toothed, smack-shooting, overgrown fetus cheats on beautiful multimillionaire supermodel icon. What? (Yeeeah!)
Thanks to Fergie, product-plugging in songs is about to get even more prevalent. We can't wait for Jay-Z to namecheck Palmettos and for the new Avril Lavigne album, "Heartache and Kraft Singles, Which Are Made with 100% Real Milk". (Allie Is Wired)
Michelle Rodriguez does public chin-ups, though she probably also does pubic chin-ups. With girls. (Derek Hail)
The reason we haven't seen totally naked, total-body, high-def pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo full-on boning in a hot tub? M-O-N-E-Y. That, and the fact that no one really cares about 'em much. (Celebitchy)
More Megan Fox. Now, 22% more see-through. (Popoholic)
Eva Longoria has a serious problem involving an ass crack, hungry for spandex. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
May 15, 2007
Maxim Overturns Accepted Order of Sexiness
It seems that every month or so some magazine or website or other collective of undersexed males declares who, at that very moment, every man on earth should want to do dirty things to more than any other living female. For a while there it looked as if Angelina Jolie would top every such list for eternity, but apparently scooping up the world's orphans one by one and making them crazy sexy cool isn't that hot. Recent months have seen Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel duking it out, with the boobs winning out in the winter months and the butt emerging like a spring tulip to entrance all comers. But today we have a long-lost dark horse pulling out in front. Can you stand the suspense? Really, really, can you? Aw, crap. We put her picture right there next to these words and ruined the surprise. We suck. more »
May 09, 2007
Fergie and Alessandra Ambrosio Get Literal
New trend alert! Fergie and supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio graciously wearing labeled garments that handily point out what said items are, and/or to be used for. Fashion comes in cycles, and it's exciting to be able to hit storage and bust out our 1982 mug that says "mug", bag that says "Le Bag", and Le Car once again. Yes, we can fit a Le Car into our cedar chest. It's a big cedar chest, F U.
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March 15, 2007
She Be Up in Maxim, Just Workin' on Her Titness
Fergie(licious) is kind of like Kaia from the Real World: Hawaii. Facially objectionable with no discernible talents or personality, she still perseveres at convincing everyone around her that she is desirable. You have to admire her commitment to self-promotion, and the perfect forum for this is Maxim. Their team of photo retouchers, airbrushers, and Photoshop experts rolls 200 deep and works late into the night to remove all semblance of anything human about their models--pores, hair, legs that aren't the circumference, texture, and sheen of a Granny Smith. So today, we salute Maxim's treatment of Fergie. They not only removed her embarrassing eyebrow ring, but the urine stains on her drawers. They've made her look almost female. And almost T to the A to the S T E Y?
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March 14, 2007
Fergalicious not Flyalicious
If you would have asked us this morning possible reasons why Fergie might be forbidden to board a plane, we probably would have come up with the following answers: 1) In an effort to curb a possible terrorist threat, Homeland Security has put a temporary ban on carrying Fergalicious upon any aircraft; 2) Since her passport claims Sex: F, no one believed that the person attempting to board the plane was actually Stacy Ferguson; 3) She exceeded the airline's highly scientific "urine stench" limit. But our gossip godmother, FemaleFirst, brings us the real reason: The singer, real name Stacy Ferguson, was due to fly from Los Angeles to the UK with bandmates Will.I.AM, Apl.DE.AP and Taboo, but was forbidden to board the plane because of her drunken state.We can't be certain, but we think the airline might have made a mistake. What they perceived to be Fergie falling all over herself and drunkenly ranting was actually an impromptu performance of her latest single, complete with original dance moves. more »
An onlooker tells British newspaper the Daily Mirror, "She was falling all over the place and had to be supported. She was in no state to fly.
"But when she was prevented from boarding she couldn't believe it. She was drunkenly ranting at staff but could barely string a sentence together. It was very embarrassing."
Ferguson delayed the flight for an hour while her luggage was removed, but her three bandmates remained on board the plane bound for London.
A spokesperson for airline Virgin Atlantic says, "We can confirm a female passenger was denied from boarding as she appeared intoxicated and was therefore unsuitable for travel."
February 06, 2007
No No No No Don't Phunk with Her Drawers
We don't normally put an upskirt shot behind a cut if panties are involved. However, if the panties are clinging to the underportions of Fergie, we can only assume that you'll end up spending the better part of the workday scrutinizing the nylon-clad crotch for telltale penile protuberances, so we feel compelled to minimize your chances of getting fired by secreting the shots in question behind a bloggy burkha. more »
January 31, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Bustin' Makes Her Feel Good
Fergie goes jogging while wearing her Ghostbusters costume. Mike Tyson joins the Lohan at Wonderland rehab facility. Now we just need Charles Nelson Reilly to check in and we've got ourselves The Surreal Life 7!
Sienna, Factory Girl shooting is over. You're not Edie Sedgwick anymore. Take off the leotard and slowly back away.
Brandy killed somebody with her Land Rover, now the victim's family is suing her for $50 million. Meanwhile, her brother Ray-J peed on Kim Kardashian and is throwing it into Whitney Houston. Fate is not smiling beatifically upon the Norwood family.
Hey, friends, we entertain you every weekday, right? Give you the ole ha-has, never ask for a thing in return. So maybe you could do just this one thing for us, as a tiny little favor? Could you go here and download the amazing Paris Hilton demo song culled from ParisExposed.com? It's more retarded than "PopoZao" and "My Humps" put together. It's life-altering. Trust us. Do it. Do it. Do it.
And speaking of Paris songs and ParisExposed, don't miss this soft, lilting tune crooned by Paris on video, and you'll finally get context for the "I got fucked in the butt for coke" line, in addition to a bunch of lovely racial verses.
The Factory Girl sex scenes between Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen are rumored to be the real thing. Great, but that doesn't change the fact that nobody will see it.
Dustin "Screech" Diamond was "exiled" on the set of Celebrity Fit Club because he threatened to "make a dildo of my cock and fuck [former American Idol contestant] Kimberly Locke with it." As far as empty threats go, that one's pretty elaborate.
Headline of the day, part one.
Headline of the day, part two, (because we're in seventh grade [it's the Jessica Lange story]).
Gwen Stefani the second celebrity parent to be stricken with blobbish progeny.
January 19, 2007
Fergalicious Ain't Promiscuous, She's Engaged
A typical reaction to Josh Duhamel on the TV program Las Vegas: "What an attractive and lovely young man. That's a nice suit he's wearing." A typical reaction to Josh Duhamel in real life: "Oh my god, he F's trannies!" And now, apparently he marries them too. more »
November 15, 2006
Fergie's London, London Bridge Controlled by God
We haven't made a joke containing the words "Fergie" and "pee" or "Depends" in quite a many months, and as much as we want to, we better restrain ourself or else she may send us to Hell. Apparently Fergie Ferg is God's homegirl, he loves her humps and her London Bridge, he doesn't phunk with her heart, etc. etc. etc. more »
September 21, 2006
Her Hump, Her Hump Her Hump Her Hump
Normally, we refer to our lead story as "The Sexy Lady Story" and like to feature some sort of facially or corporeally attractive famous female in various states of undress, discussing her anus, and such and such.
Today, the term "Sexy Lady Story" is a misnomer, or possibly an outright lie. Gentle reader, accept our heartfelt apologies. more »
Today, the term "Sexy Lady Story" is a misnomer, or possibly an outright lie. Gentle reader, accept our heartfelt apologies. more »
September 19, 2006
Fergie: Just Say No to Meth. And Blogging
September 12, 2006
Fergie Is One Cranky Lady
Fergie--the singer, not the former royal--has been speaking out about her erstwhile crystal meth addiction, likening the drug to a bad boyfriend. IMDb's headline today is "Fergie: Meth Was 'Hardest Boyfriend'", which doesn't really say much about poor Josh Duhamel. Zing! more »
July 26, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Apologies; Pregnancies
Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."
David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some prettygay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.
Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.
Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.
I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!
Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!
Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.
Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.
Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty
Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.
Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.
I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!
Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!
Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.
Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.
Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
June 29, 2006
Josh & Tommy: Stolen Punches
We always suspected that Josh Duhamel was about as sane as Judy Garland at an all-you-can-swallow pharmacy. His choice of Fergie pee pee pants as his "girl"friend pretty much proves some sort of chemical imbalance. But picking a fight with Tommy Lee? His penis could knock you clear across the room and he wouldn't even have to look up from his drink. more »
May 12, 2006
Pisseidon
Right now you might not know quite who Josh Lucas is (unless you're one of the few who clings to your copy of Sweet Home Alabama as if it were a loaf of bread and you were Jean Valjean), but soon you'll know him as that guy who admitted to drinking pee. Ol' piss drinker. Pee-pee-mouth McGee. Tinkle tongue. You get the picture. more »
March 03, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Two Aspirins on an Ironing Board
Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.
Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!
Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Port
Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!
Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Port