filed under: Eva Mendes
May 23, 2008
Eva Mendes Addicted To Acting, Not Booze

Movie stars have all the luck. If they get caught doing something illegal or embarrassing, they can just say they're researching a movie role. But when you get caught sticking your wang into the glory hole in the Rt. 9 rest stop bathroom (again), you can't very well claim that it was research for your next job as a bagger at Piggly Wiggly. But when
Eva Mendes goes to rehab, she's not all jacked up on the hooch, she's doing it for her
craft. Reports
WENN:
Eva Mendes may have checked herself into rehab in January to prepare for a new movie, in which she plays a Spanish drug lord. The 30-year-old actress entered Utah's Cirque Lodge to "proactively" attend "to some personal issues", her representative explained at the time. The move shocked Hollywood, until Mendes landed a role alongside Josh Hartnett and Sir Ben Kingsley in Queen of the South, which follows her character Teresa Mendoza, who flees Mexico for Spain when her drug-runner boyfriend is murdered. Gossips are speculating she may have been researching the role in rehab - a theory backed by leading acting coach John Kirby. He tells Star magazine, "It's not unusual at all for an actor or actress to go to the extreme of checking into rehab to prepare for a character. In fact, I would encourage that for my students, because you want to fully immerse yourself in the role."
We've got to admit, at least Eva's on the right track here by actually following up the claim of research with a movie role. What killed
Winona Ryder's credibility was never actually stealing shit on camera after her big
designer heist. So kudos to Eva for having follow-through.
more »
May 08, 2008
C'mon! Vogue! Let Your Feet Rub the Boobies!
Eva Mendes recently graduated from
rehab, and she wants to make damn sure we all know that she is 100% OK. According to various academic texts like the Bible,
Introduction to Modern Physics, and Choose Your Own Adventure #45:
You Are a Shark, the best way to do this is by showing your boobs. Eva did just that in the latest issue of
Italian Vogue. After the cut, jugs! Jugs filled with sobriety!
more »
March 18, 2008
CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (
Flisted)
Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (
Yeeeah!)
Clip of
Brit's appearance on
How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (
The Superficial)
Nicole Richie and
Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (
Celebitchy)
Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (
Daily Stab)
Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (
Bitten and Bound)
Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (
The Blemish)
Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (
CelebWarship)
Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (
Holy Taco)
February 07, 2008
Kirsten Dunst Fills Eva Mendes-Shaped Void at Cirque Lodge

Today on an all-new episode of
Celebrity Rehab Swap,
Kirsten Dunst and
Eva Mendes will switch places, with Kirsten taking up Eva's abandoned bed at Cirque Lodge, trying to rid her system of intoxicating substances while challenging her fellow 'habbers to
farting contests, and Eva trying to make it on the outside, avoiding tequila shots while crying about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon and constantly readjusting her bra-free tits. It's sure to be a hit!
Life & Style dishes on Eva:
Eva Mendes is out of rehab and back in Los Angeles, Life and Style can confirm.
The 33-year-old actress left Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab clinic on Feb 6 and boarded a flight to Los Angeles shortly after 9pm (pst) after spending a number of weeks in rehab.
At the time her spokesman said: "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much needed time off to attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support."
And that empty bed may just be full o' Kirsten keister, says
FemaleFirst:
Kirsten Dunst is in rehab.
The 'Spider-Man' actress - whose partying lifestyle has lead to her being nicknamed 'Kirsten Drunkst' by gossip bloggers - has reportedly checked into Utah's Cirque Lodge facility to receive help for an unknown problem.
A source inside the facility told America's Star magazine: "She desperately needed help. She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.
"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."
Kirsten's self-committal comes after she behaved erratically at Utah's Sundance Film Festival.
A source said: "Kirsten is on the verge of a breakdown. She came late, left early and acted erratic at all the Sundance events."
Kirsten's spokesperson denied she acted strangely at the festival saying: "Kirsten is fine."
The 25-year-old actress is a keen supporter of the campaign to get marijuana legalised in the US.
She said: "I drink moderately, I've tried drugs. I do like weed. I have a different outlook on marijuana than America does.
"I've never been a major smoker, but I think America's view on weed is ridiculous. I mean - are you kidding me? If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place."
Yeah, we're pretty sure Amy Winehouse has said the same thing about crack, but we're not about to listen to her advice.
February 04, 2008
Eva Mendes Is Addicted to Something

Some stars have very public implosions (complete with pubic explosions), horfing two foot long rails before jumping into an Escalade to drive it on an off-ramp at a high rate of speed with a baby strapped to the ski rack. And others quietly slip into rehab like Houdini or something. And
Eva Mendes is one of 'em!
TMZ scoops the poop:
We're told the "Ghost Rider" star is at the famous Cirque Lodge, near Sundance. The Lodge, which treated Lindsay Lohan and other stars, is one of the most respected treatment facilities in the country. Eva has been at Cirque for several weeks.
Her rep tells TMZ "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details."
Eva doesn't really strike us as much of a party girl. We can't picture her behind the DJ booth, a jug tumbling out of her top next to Steve Aoki, nor do we envision her staying up all night in a hotel room in New Mexico with Tom Sizemore. So what is she addicted to? Pinkberry? Clarins Bronzer?
Law & Order marathons on TNT?
Scrabulous? We hear Eva is pretty ruthless when it comes to sniping triple word scores. Once she even put down "OS" for a mere six points, just to block the space, after a thirteen-hour all night game bender, ingesting nothing but frosting out of a can and Paris Hilton brand champagne. "Eva, don't do this to yourself. You have too much talent. Please get help," a friend pleaded on her SuperWall, while another attempted to distract her by lobbing sheep and high fiiiiiiiving her repeatedly.
more »
January 28, 2008
Eva and Cameron Seal Friendship with Flatus

Picture
Eva Mendes. Her skin creamy cocoa latte. Her hair like bronzed silk. She comes to you at night in a diaphanous robe, a halo of soft light illuminating her indecent beauty. She leans toward you, closer, closer . . . she smells like fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. A sexy, shy smile tugs at the corners of her full, ripe lips. Closer yet she comes, and then . . .
then . . . she rips an enormous, flappy whale of a fart louder than a sonic boom and ranker than a dumpster in Chinatown. According to our gossip gastroenterologist,
FemaleFirst, Eva claims that she and pal
Cameron Diaz traveled to Nepal for Cam's travel show, and they passed the time by passing something else. You know. Gas. Says Eva:
"Cameron is a big old belcher, but I can't belch. One night I had a heavy dinner, so I combated her belching with something I could do. We were in side-by-side beds, so it was her disgusting bodily function versus mine. It was an Eva-Cameron fart-belch off."
Unfortunately, Eva does not elaborate and tell us who won. And hopefully, it was not a draw. According to the Official Fart-Belch Off Rulebook, fifth edition, revised, ". . . In the instance of a tie, the first opponent to produce a gaseous eruption 'with change'; i.e. a fecal leak in the case of the flatulence opponent, and what is known colloquially as 'throwing up in [one's] mouth a little' in the case of the orally gaseous opponent, shall be declared the victor." Let's just say that after the maids had to come and take care of Eva and Cameron's hotel room, Nepal was no longer known as a peaceful land.
January 17, 2008
Eva Mendes: A Slippery Nipply

Nipple slips have become so commonplace that we are about to manufacture and market an entire line of jewelry based on the tit-spigot snafu. All of our lovely brooches will be in the shape of nipples--some pink, some brown, some large, some small--and made with 100% genuine Swarovski crystals. Pin them to your blouse and ensure that your nippo will always slippo, even when it's not! Our
Bai Ling model is noticeable to all no matter where you pin it, and our
Christina Aguilera version comes in two styles: 2001 Dirrty Pierced and 2008 Baby, the latter with "milk" droplets made out of real cultured pearls! After the cut, our newest addition: the
Eva Mendes Areola!
more »
January 16, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Leg-Spreading and Fetus-Getting

Cleava Mendes. (
Drunken Stepfather)
"Dear
Brad Renfro. We came over to fuck you but you were dead. Love, Tiffany and Amber." Rest in peace, Brad. (
Fatback and Collards)
We want to "LEAVE
BRITNEY ALONE!!!!", honestly we do, but we just can't when she keeps flipping us her outer labes. (
Taxi Driver)
Jenna Jameson swears that she will "never spread her legs" for the porn industry again. She will spread Philadelphia's whipped strawberry cream cheese, though. It's the wonderfully spreadable, sweetly fruity topping with only 60 calories per serving! (
IDLYITW)
Alessandra Ambrosio caught Pregnant, too. (
The Blemish)
Zac Efron was rushed to the emergency room for an emergency highlighting. Those buttery chunks ain't gonna streak themselves. (
Derek Hail)
Lumps on
Halle Berry's torso: now there are three. (
Daily Stab)
"Now that bulbs flashing more than ever/You can see under
my dress, fellas. Ellas. Ellas. Ay. Ay." (
Cityrag)
Jennifer Garner may have been the original target of Tom's Cruise missile of love. (
Superficial)
December 07, 2007
Eva Mendes Ponies Up Seat-a for PETA

Apparently,
Eva Mendes would rather go naked than wear fur. We wonder if Eva is aware that there are more than just two options. One can go naked, or one could wear fur, OR one could don a Rowdy Roddy Piper costume, or a Hazmat suit, or a Gordon Gartrell shirt, or an adult diaper gravid with stools. The possibilities are endless, yet PETA constantly makes it out like it's a battle between fur and flesh, with flesh emerging the victor, triumphantly holding a fist aloft, wobbling yammos conquering all. A diabolical scheme, to be sure. After the cut, the full ad.
more »
November 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Matt n' Mandy, Sittin' in a Tree

Is our sweet angel
Mandy Moore getting
Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (
Yeeeah!)
Our favorite opiate connoisseur,
Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (
Drunken Stepfather)
And Pete's ex,
Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (
Taxi Driver)
Jerry O'Connell has
hot wife; poor self-esteem. (
The Blemish)
Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (
Cityrag)
Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (
Daily Stab)
Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (
Egotastic!)
Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (
Derek Hail)
Rihanna and
Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Which is causing poor
Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (
PopCrunch)
Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (
TMZ)
October 17, 2007
Eva Mendes Likes Constant Nudity, Except for in the Flickers

The much-maligned
Eva Longoria and her mouth full of TMI seem to have disappeared off the radar, post-wedding. But cut off one of the seven heads of the sexy-talkin', Eva-named hydra, and another sexy-talkin', Eva-named head will grow in its place, even stronger than the one preceding it. Well, maybe not stronger, but definitely less gnomish and with better taste in
swimwear. According to
Nudography,
Eva Mendes really likes being naked; in fact, she completes mundane tasks such as pruning and weeding in the raw, saying:
I love being naked. I do everything in the nude, even the gardening! Were Cuban, and its a hot island. Why not go nude?
However, although stripping off your garments and squatting in the dirt to yank up some ragweed that's precariously close to your girl-wiener is perfectly natural, being naked in front of a camera still gives Eva the creeps, and she says of her
We Own the Night sex scene with
Joaquin Phoenix:
"Its not a natural thing on camera, so its always going to be a little awkward.
It was tough. That morning I was so nervous that the director was like, Why dont you put a little vodka in your orange juice? So I did. It took the edge off.
"Its weird to see myself in bed with Joaquin up on the big screen. I told my mom she has to come 15 minutes late. She wouldnt live through that first scene - shed have a heart attack. The poor lady would keel over in the movie theatre.
Keeping in mind that Joaquin Phoenix is a very very recently
recovering alcoholic, watch said sex scene with a critical eye and see if Joaquin's tongue has a certain urgency as it darts around Eva's luscious mouth, as if seeking out delicious pockets of Grey Goose clinging to her molars, like the ice cube-licking lady in the Disaronno ads.
more »
October 16, 2007
Eva Mendes, Shirtless to the Max(im)

The movie
We Own the Night just opened in theaters. It's a harrowing drama about suicide, murder, and the Russian mafia (hey, just like
Eastern Promises!). And what better way to celebrate such tense tragedy than by losing your laundry and humping a wall for
Maxim? Oh,
Eva Mendes, you are a master of marketing. Nothing says "my loved ones got sprayed full of lead" or "No, Vlad, please don't stick my thumbs in a pencil sharpener, I'll talk, I'll talk!" quite like lounging on a flotaki pillow in little more than Cosabella booty shorts and a pearl necklace.
more »
October 04, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Spears n' Jeers

Brit can visit her kids; might be headed back to rehab. In related news,
Kevin Federline showed up to court wearing an eyepatch. Because he's a responsible p-arrrrrrrrrrr-ent. (
GlossLip)
George Takei now has his own asteroid. His own tight, firm, assteroid. (
IMDb)
Anakin Skywalker still throwing it into
Rachel Bilson. But more importantly, does his hat say "
RAPE"? (
Drunken Stepfather)
J. Lo gutwatch '07 continues. People, we have expansion. (
Allie Is Wired)
Speaking of ab-related embiggening,
Eva Mendes blames hers on rotini and brownies. (
Daily Stab)
Jennifer Aniston sells magazines. At a stand on the corner of 5th and Walnut, because her career is in the john. Naw, just jerkin' your bird. (
The Blemish)
See the general area from whence Harvey, Junior, and Princess Tiaamii issued:
Katie Price upskirt! (
Taxi Driver)
Angelina Jolie just the way we like her: with satin grazing her vagina. (
Derek Hail)
Hanson brother has pulmonary embolism. MMMMMclot! (
TMZ)
July 25, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Did Not Do Drugs They're Not Mine"

Lindsay tells Billy Bush, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine." Well, technically the drugs they found weren't "done" yet because they were in her pocket. So . . . yeah! Innocent! (
TMZ)
Lily Allen does not suffer
Courtney Loves gladly. (
Celeb Warship)
Eva Mendes sends
Jane mag off to the glue factory with a hearty strippin'. (
Cityrag)
Penelope Cruz in shocking eyelash controversy! (
Celebitchy)
Kim Kardashian to bring her bustle-like humpback heinie to
Playboy? (
Derek Hail)
When
Hilary Duff was a baby, her mom spiked her like a football. Over and over. (
Hollywood Grind)
Jennifer Garner rocks a lacy 1998 momthong. (
Taxi Driver)
What's longer:
Rihanna's legs or her forehead? The world may never know. (
Drunken Stepfather)
July 10, 2007
Celebrity Bikini Round-Up

Christ on a cross, there are so many pictures of female celebrities in bikinis floating around today, we don't even know what to do with ourselves today. Aside from "playing" with ourselves, but that's generally frowned upon in the workplace, which we found out when we were working the night shift at the medical examiner's office. Stupid sexy corpses.
1.
Hayden Panettiere
Hayden's on
Heroes. She plays a cheerleader. She's seventeen years old, but she's not exactly naked. Still, if you look at these pictures on your computer, Chris Hansen will show up at your house with a camera crew and you will cry at your kitchen table with your hands over your head, saying, "Mah life's overrrrr!" (More pics
here)
2.
Eva Mendes
Eva once claimed that she could magically control the size of her
bajoongas. Today she deflated them for maximum swimming speed. That was an incredibly weak joke but she looks completely un-make-funnable. Humbled. (More pics
here)
3.
Mariah Carey
It's our beloved Glitterfly, Mimi. How does one achieve a state of constant cheesecakey pinup posing? Does she have assistants contort and tape down her body into various Vargas poses at night? (More pics
here)
4.
Hilary Swank
Haha, just fooling! That's Matt Damon in a bikini. (More pics
here)
June 26, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Outrageous and Delusional

If
Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (
Drunken Stepfather)
I know why the caged
Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (
FemaleFirst)
What will
Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (
Yeeeah!)
While
Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (
Hollywood Backwash)
A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's
Clay Aiken! (
ONTD)
Once upon a time,
Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (
Derek Hail)
Germany has banned
Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (
Celebrity Hack)
Hef: the Movie. (
Hollywood Grind)
V.I.L.E. henchmen
Timberlake and
Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (
FemaleFirst)
Michael Lohan claims that Mama
Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child,
Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (
Celebitchy)
May 30, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Stuff on My Lohan

Jessica Simpson dons dress with Venetian blind chestpiece. (
Yeeeah!)
Fun with Photoshop: "Stuff on My
Lohan". Hee hee hee hee hee! (
Cityrag)
Hollywood romance meets the
Primetime weekend mystery:
Brittany Murphy has awesome taste in men! (
ICYDK)
Claire Danes and My So-Called Nip. (
Taxi Driver)
Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias have broken up. It was all downhill after he chopped the Raisinette off his face. (
Hollywood Tuna) UPDATE: They're
still together, choco-krispie or no.
Eva Mendes admits that she had a swig or two of booze to calm her nerves before shooting a sex scene opposite Joaquin Phoenix. As a recovering alcoholic, he surely found the taste of Beam on the breath an intoxicating impetus to make the scene that much more authentically passionate. Man, was that too mean? (
Derek Hail)
Lindsay's dad offers up some Christian advice whilst wearing a tank top. (
GlossLip)
When
you're faced with a daunting jail sentence after violating parole following a DUI, how to lift your spirits? Build-A-Bear Workshop, girlfriend! (
Celebrity Puke)
May 15, 2007
Maxim Overturns Accepted Order of Sexiness

It seems that every month or so some magazine or website or other collective of undersexed males declares who, at that very moment, every man on earth should want to do dirty things to more than any other living female. For a while there it looked as if
Angelina Jolie would top every such list for eternity, but apparently scooping up the world's orphans one by one and making them crazy sexy cool isn't that hot. Recent months have seen
Scarlett Johansson and
Jessica Biel duking it out, with the boobs winning out in the winter months and the butt emerging like a spring tulip to entrance all comers. But today we have a long-lost dark horse pulling out in front. Can you stand the suspense? Really, really, can you? Aw, crap. We put her picture right there next to these words and ruined the surprise. We suck.
more »
May 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Powderpants

Kate Bosworth takes off her bikini just long enough to slip a bit of nip. (
Egotastic!)
John Voight finds his
daughter "fascinating" and "attractive". And "stunning". If Papa Joe Simpson ever gets out of the daughter managing/ogling game, he might have a worthy replacement. (
GlossLip)
Sienna Miller slips both nip and panty waistband in the same outfit. Now that's multitasking.
Slutty multitasking! (
Drunken Stepfather)
Busta Rhymes got Busta-ed. What a hilarious play on words! (
Yeeeah!)
Vanessa Minnillo shills for Bongo jeans. Bongo's still around? What's next,
Jessica Alba for Palmetto and
Mischa Barton for Camp Beverly Hills? Anyway, cleavage. (
Derek Hail)
Eva Mendes either showing a swath of upskirt panties, or she has a crotch that is a colorless, shadowless void. But which? (
Taxi Driver)
Kate Moss turns up with white powder on her pants. We dunno, Kate is pretty much a pro at blowing rails--it's hard to believe she'd let some go to waste hanging out on her Tsubis. (
The Blemish)
Scary Spice is taking Norbit to court, cuz she's mad at him, haaaay. (
TMZ.com)
Carmen Electra: in Soviet Russia, booty short and yarn bra wear YOU! (
Cityrag)
March 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Spread 'em!"

Courtney Love says she saw a gigantic pile of
white powder at
Paris Hilton's birthday party. So? It was just talc for Paris's new orange body/chalk face kabuki look (left).
Elizabeth Hurley got
married. So . . . that's great. For her. Good job, or something.
Sienna Miller says, "This year is the
Year of the Slut! Spread 'em! That's my motto for 2007." Chinese New Year was just a few weeks ago, try. Now, we can't remember, is the Year of the Slut before or after the Year of the Tiger?
Drop a little sumthin down some celebrity plumber's
baby's daddy, too, LOL!" Yes, yes, O.J., we see you, honey. Yes, we're paying attention. That's very nice, sweetheart.
Nicole Kidman pooped her bikini bottoms! Aw, we're just jerking your bird--it's just sand. Sandy
poop!
And speaking of sand,
Shauna Sand seems to have
lost her bra, along with the "Lamas".
Eva Mendes,
nude yet covered, featuring curious, hairless, cleave-less, poreless Barbie crotch.
Britney is reportedly
"struggling" in rehab. Apparently, she didn't know that there wasn't any ecstasy in there, y'all!
Nicole Richie's boyfriend
punched a lady in the titty!!!
The power of
voodoo. Who do?
Angelina do. Do what? The voodoo.
January 17, 2007
Eva Mendes Sports Impressive "Bajoongas" in Ghost Rider

Some actresses possess lovely singing voices. Others are able to dance like Ginger Rogers. Some can play the flugelhorn, some speak five languages fluently, and some can fit entire pool balls into their cakeholes. But
Eva Mendes's rιsumι boasts the most useful hidden talent of them all: the ability to make her breasts and butt grow and shrink at will. Like the Barbie Grow n' Style Head, only with more T&A.
more »