CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Eva Longoria
September 17, 2008
Longoria No-whore-ia
Oh, we're sure this happens to everybody. It's Friday night, you're feeling a little lonely, you somehow find yourself in front of your computer browsing an online escort service and you see her. The girl of your dreams! Available for around $2500! You've seen her on Desperate Housewives, you've seen her on the sidelines of Spurs games, and now she can be YOURS! She's Eva Longoria! So you place an order, the doorbell rings and . . . it's not Eva Longoria. It's a Ukrainian runaway with a meth problem. You got clowned! TMZ scoops:
A British escort agency is pimping out a working girl named Valentina on their website (1500 pounds for an "overnight" visit). The problem -- in the photo Valentina uses to advertise herself, she looks a helluva lot like Eva Longoria ... because it is Eva Longoria. In fact, the same photo appears on several Eva Longoria fansites.We wonder if Valentina comes equipped with a similar personality to Longoria. Perhaps she'll show up at your house armed with a barrel of dildos, complain that she's fat, and then insult your manhood. Erotic. more »
comments (0)
send to a friend
September 04, 2008
Eva Longoria Full of Sandwiches; Not Babies
Former underwear model/full-time pygmy shrew Eva Longoria fueled ongoing pregnancy rumors this weekend when she hung around Las Vegas in a dumpy tent dress, eschewing alcohol and sushi. But you can all stop looking at the Petit Tresor website and turn your bump watch radars down to a yellow alert, because Eva insists she's not knocked up, and according to IMDb, said:
"I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat. I gained 5lb over the summer so instead of a size zero, I'm a size one."FIVE pounds? A size ONE? Well, somebody call Seattle Sutton before this massive sow causes a nationwide famine after eating the bulk of the country's food supply. Boom babba bom, oink oink oink, and so forth. more »
August 28, 2008
Eva Longoria Used To Wear Underwear. Or Something.
Are you a gay male aged 35 to 45 who loves nothing more than to take a few swigs of your Chablis and yell "You go, girl!" (or whatever the 2008 equivalent may be) at the TV screen every time Eva Longoria does something catty or backhanded on Desperate Housewives? Good, because that is pretty much the only demographic who will find interest in these pics of Eva from back when she was a (racy! scandalous!) lingerie model. These are about as sexy and scandalous as those Angelina Jolie teen swimsuit photos. Oh my God, she's showing stomach. Quick, honey, run and get the spare burka, we've got a harpy to save!
more »
August 14, 2008
We Can See Right Through You, Eva Longoria
We know our readers. If our comments are to be believed, they all live in, we're guessing, India, have a minimal grasp on the English language, and love "soxy woman," "bobbs," and "neeples." We are here to serve you, oh semi-literate foreign lover of flesh. So we know that you do not want to hear about Eva Longoria "desperately" trying to have a baby (ho ho, US, you do possess the wit, don't you?). No, you want to see a picture of Eva Longoria's dark nipple desperately trying to free itself from a light-colored sheer dress. You are the master, and we are here to serve. more »
July 01, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Christ, Superstar
Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!) Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)
Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)
Cameron Diaz is beginning to look a bit Wildensteinian. (Cityrag)
Eva Longoria gets plugged. Fireplugged, that is! (The Blemish)
Pharrell thinks tattoos and skin are like wallpaper. (FemaleFirst)
Lindsay Lohan and chick chum Samantha Ronson get cutesy together. (CelebWarship)
Zooey Deschanel is everyone's favorite. You there. Go. Look upon her in a swimsuit. (Don't Link This)
Bridget the Midget's nip slip proves that not ALL of her is tiny. (Taxi Driver)
Amy Winehouse hit a fan (and it felt like a kiss). (Allie Is Wired)
Eddie Murphy wants to retire from movies. Well, see ya. (Daily Stab)
June 04, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Rhys Is in Pieces
Sienna Miller finally cuts loose her improbably-named, leonine lover Rhys Ifans. (CeleBuzz) Angry whelp Miley Cyrus wrecks equipment on the set of her new video. "Grrrr! I'm so mad! Like a bear! Grrr! Like a fluffy bear! With a bow around its neck! Grrr . . . awwww." (Drunken Stepfather)
Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minnillo dressed as cheerleaders, Carmen Electra in jazzercise gear. You're welcome, pre-verts. (The Hollywood Gossip)
The fetus is out there. And by "there" we mean in Gillian Anderson's womb. (F-Listed)
Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen married Brooke Whatsherguts last weekend. We didn't report on it because it didn't involve insulting Denise Richards. (Allie Is Wired)
Lily Allen's hair is pink, her face is green, and her liver is pickled yellow. Fun drunk shots! Luv u Lily. (Derek Hail)
Astley Tisdale: prepare for mass RickRollage. (The Blemish)
Vanity Fair is in deep shit for implying that Gina Gershon let Bill Clinton's presidential peen into her Oval Office. Crystal Connors, NO! (Defamer)
Eva Longoria is sporting what appears to be an inflated pregnancy rack, highlighted by the most burnt sienna of tan-spackle. (D-listed)
April 16, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Oh, Behave
Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab) Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)
Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)
"Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a
John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)
Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)
Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)
Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)
Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)
April 01, 2008
Eva Longoria Likes Own Butt; Cannot Lie
Hey guys! Guess what? Britney Spears is posing naked in Playboy and then after that she's going to run for president and then go to the moon and then become a Franciscan nun! LOLOLOL fooled yoooou! April Fool's! Oh ho ho, such delicious folly! What a hilarious coup on our behalf! Oh lord, the chuckling! The chuckling!
Now that that's out of the way, Eva Longoria remains obsessed with her ass, and talking about her ass. That will never change, and we find it somewhat comforting. Reports our gossip gym spotter, Female First:
Eva said: "I love doing squats in the gym. When I do them my butt beefs up and I fill out my jeans better. I'm constantly working on my butt because of, you know, gravity."You know another good way to fill out your jeans? Incontinence. Having no control over your bowels or bladder. Which is something, coincidentally, that can happen after childbirth. So worry not, tiny Eva. If pregnancy leaves you with a sub-par ass, just let loose with a torrent of urine to plump up the fibers in your Juicy sweatpants. Instant bootiliciousness! And next day diaper rash. It's cool, though. Desitin is the new Gentle Warming Lube. more »
The 33-year-old actress - who married basketball star Tony Parker last July - fears it will become harder to keep her bottom in trim after she has had children.
She said: "I'm nervous about what's going to happen back there when I have children. I'm full of fear. I don't want anything happening to the butt."
March 18, 2008
CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"
Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted) Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)
Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)
Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)
Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)
Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)
Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)
Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)
Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)
Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)
February 06, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: The P Word
Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (FemaleFirst) And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)
The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)
Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)
Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)
Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)
Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)
Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)
J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)
Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)
Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)
January 16, 2008
Celebrities Spending Writer's Strike Having Tons of Sex, Getting Knocked Up
Just like your 35-year-old spinster sister, Hollywood is baby crazy. We're beginning to think that Governor Arnold secretly passed a law that every showbiz personality must spawn by the year 2010 or be forced to spend two years working the craft services table. Jennifer Aniston better start prepping her uterus, because we hear she's a mess with a chafing dish.
more »
December 13, 2007
Longoria Just Not That Into Hubby's Dongoria
A wise woman named Rose Nyland once said of her roommate Blanche's oversexed ramblings, "I've found that the more people talk about sex, the less they have it." Who, in Hollywood, talks about sex the most? Eva Longoria, of course. And who is now rumored to be a secret prude? Apparently, Mr. Longoria, Tony Parker, was so dissatisfied with Eva's puritanical bedroom antics that he was forced to search elsewhere; i.e. inside French model Alexandra Paressant, for that elusive facial. Paressant told X17 Online:
"I met Tony at Hyatt Park and we spent wonderful moments together. We had room service. He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives you acne."Eva and Tony, of course, deny any wick-wetting on Parker's part, telling People:
Tony: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband."Perhaps this Alexandra Paressant can take some lessons in writing the perfect erotic Hollywood hookup tell-all from Dessarae Bradford. I Let Tony Parker Ejaculate Onto My Waiting Face just screams "Pulitzer".
November 26, 2007
Eva Longoria Takes Posh Spice Dildo Shopping
If you were new to L.A. and searching for advice on where to get your bob trimmed or your labes waxed or who sells the very best Swarovski-encrusted butt plugs, surely you'd turn to Eva Longoria just like Victoria Beckham did. That Posh is a smart girl. Our gossip KY enthusiast, FemaleFirst, reports: Eva Longoria has taken Victoria Beckham on a tour of Los Angeles' sex shops.Yeah, we're pretty sure Eva just took Posh into her special sex-toy closet, where each dildo is arranged by color and size and kept in its own cashmere bag. We hear it's nearly as big as Dodger Stadium.
The 'Desperate Housewives' actress - who is married to basketball star Tony Parker - has been bonding with the Spice Girl over their shared passion for bedroom experimentation and has taken Victoria out to buy sex toys.
A friend of the Latina actress said: "Eva has pointed Victoria in the right direction in Hollywood - the best beauticians, the best places to go for a wax, where she can pick up sexy lingerie and where to buy sex toys. I think David will be pleasantly surprised."
It seems Victoria - who moved Stateside with her family when her husband David signed a contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team - has already been stocking up on goodies for David.
The 33-year-old singer was recently spotted buying various massage products and a vibrating doll from Los Angeles sex boutique Pleasure Chest.
October 01, 2007
1 Night in Eva's Beava
For once the Unsubstantiated Rumor of the Day does not involve Jennifer Lopez's uterus OR Angelina Jolie buying more children from countries with funny names. Instead, we turn to Eva Longoria and the possibility that a sex tape involving her and husband/French dude Tony Parker exists. According to The Sun:
Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby Tony Parker.However, Celebitchy does not suffer fools gladly and gets to the bottom of the situation:
If the tape is genuine, it is tipped to become the biggest sex tape unearthed since Paris Hiltons One Night In Paris.
1. You can download a supposed clip from a torrent, but once you try and view it you have to subscribe to a site called Celebrity Orgy to see it.If such a tape exists, it should be fairly easy to discern whether or not it's the real Eva and Tony. Just watch for the midget with the vulva tattoo gently guiding the virginal French giant's penis from her belly button towards the correct orafice. more »
2. No one who is reporting on this has even seen the tape.
3. The video has not been leaked yet
4. The title of the video suggests they just threw Evas name in there for good measure. Its called Eva+Longoria+Home+Video+hot+MILF+caught+FUCKING+in+stolen+Sex+Tape
September 04, 2007
Eva Longoria Cracks Open a Warm One
We used to live to crack wise about Eva Longoria and her vibrators and her vagina tattoo. Merry were the days when we could write a post about her having sleepovers with Eva Mendes or her questioning her man's boudoir skills. Then she got married and her show got less popular and we became obsessed with exciting new upstarts like Amy Winehouse, and we can't even muster up even a flutter of good-humored bile. Mommy wow, we're kinda mature now. After the cut, see Eva's can crackage. more »
July 06, 2007
Eva Longoria No Longer Desperate; Now Housewife
Today, the star of waning ABC soap opera married some random athlete guy in France. These two are media masterminds because they somehow foresaw July 6, 2007 as the slowest and most boring celebrity gossip day in history, and planned accordingly. "I'll be on the cover of every magazine!" Evil Eva sneered, rubbing her hands together menacingly. "I'll sell my wedding photos for two million dollars! OK! will do a spread on 'Eva's Dream Dress'! Me, me, ME! Muahahahaha!" And France guy twisted his villainous French mustache and echoed, "Je blah vous vlah blah blah francais blah blah zhe de la blah! Muahahahaha!"
more »
July 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Ambien And Candie's
Scarlett Johansson dons septum piercing, (fake?) tattoo; dresses like Hot Lips Houlihan. (CityRag) Hunkosaurus Rex John Stamos blames his recent slurry interview on Ambien. Right now, David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul are cursing themselves for not thinking of that one first. (Glitterati Gossip)
Crack-addicted, clammy, rotten-toothed, smack-shooting, overgrown fetus cheats on beautiful multimillionaire supermodel icon. What? (Yeeeah!)
Thanks to Fergie, product-plugging in songs is about to get even more prevalent. We can't wait for Jay-Z to namecheck Palmettos and for the new Avril Lavigne album, "Heartache and Kraft Singles, Which Are Made with 100% Real Milk". (Allie Is Wired)
Michelle Rodriguez does public chin-ups, though she probably also does pubic chin-ups. With girls. (Derek Hail)
The reason we haven't seen totally naked, total-body, high-def pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo full-on boning in a hot tub? M-O-N-E-Y. That, and the fact that no one really cares about 'em much. (Celebitchy)
More Megan Fox. Now, 22% more see-through. (Popoholic)
Eva Longoria has a serious problem involving an ass crack, hungry for spandex. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
May 22, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Burp Rags
Rachel McAdams pulls a Beyoncι; might just be 63. (IMDb/WENN) Janice Dickinson's high contrast upskirt gristle mitt. Believe it. (Taxi Driver)
Scary Spice spent several hundred dollars on rags to belch upon. Stars, just like us, etc. (MSNBC)
Pam Anderson in a bikini, careening willy-nilly towards Mamie Van Doren territory. (Derek Hail)
Britney wears bikini, old man fedora. Your penis won't know whether to pop a boner or do the Lindy Hop while sucking down a Tom Collins. We suggest both! (Hollywood Tuna)
Play volleyball with Eva Longoria's butt! No, wait, we mean Eva Longoria's butt plays volleyball. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Oprah's dad is writing a tell-all about her, and she sadly states, The last person in the world to be doing a book about me is Vernon Winfrey. The last person. That's weird. The last person we'd expect to be doing a book about Oprah Winfrey is Jesse Camp. Or maybe Bruce Boxleitner. Or Lionel Bart. Because not only was he a composer, not a writer, he is dead. (Yeeeah!)
May 15, 2007
Maxim Overturns Accepted Order of Sexiness
It seems that every month or so some magazine or website or other collective of undersexed males declares who, at that very moment, every man on earth should want to do dirty things to more than any other living female. For a while there it looked as if Angelina Jolie would top every such list for eternity, but apparently scooping up the world's orphans one by one and making them crazy sexy cool isn't that hot. Recent months have seen Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel duking it out, with the boobs winning out in the winter months and the butt emerging like a spring tulip to entrance all comers. But today we have a long-lost dark horse pulling out in front. Can you stand the suspense? Really, really, can you? Aw, crap. We put her picture right there next to these words and ruined the surprise. We suck. more »
May 08, 2007
Eva Longoria Heeds Words of Georgia Satellites, Disallows Hugging and Kissing Until She Gets Wedding Ring
There was once a time in CelebNewsWire history when we would be forced to write a story about Eva Longoria and her proclivity towards discussing matters of the crotch, as if compelled by some unseen, semi-sexy force. After she and athlete/awesome rapper Tony Parker were engaged, she suddenly stopped talking about her vagina and all the things that go in it an on it, and we haven't dedicated an entire story to her in five rapturous months. But like a boomerang with a vulva tattoo, she has returned! She appeared on Jimmy Kimmel's show and revealed that she has instated a "no sex" rule in the house, swearing off intercourse with Parker until their wedding night. She said,
"Luckily, we're getting married after the play-offs and then we need to consummate the marriage. I scheduled it that way."Furthermore, they're marrying on July 7, and Eva says they chose the date because "it's the only weekend we're both off." Man, not touching your spouse-to-be for months and then squeezing a wedding in between playoffs and sitcom shooting, hurriedly timing your much-waited for connubial coitus before the new ABC season? Someone should alert A Wedding Story because this sounds like a dream come true. more »
January 18, 2007
Hot Legs, Charlize is Wearin' Me Out
A flame-painted PT Cruiser pulls up to the curb. The door opens. Out pops four pump-shod women, one of whom has just been given the trampy makeover of her life by the other three. They wreak havoc on the denizens of a diner as three men--two bearded and one just named "Beard"--apparate, chuckling and throwing gold-plated keychains around. The made over woman is Charlize Theron. She's got legs. And she knows how to use them. more »
December 28, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "Animal"
Diana Ross would like to give singing lessons to Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. We can only imagine how that would go. "No, honey, more nasal! I said MORE nasal! That's too classically perfect and on-pitch, girl; could you maybe get a slightly whinier tone there?" James Brown died last week, and his wife, Rae Hynie, was immediately locked out of their home, as she's apparently not his "legal" wife. Funny story, but you know what's funnier? The name "Hynie". What's funnier than that? "Hynie-Brown".
Kim Kardashian might have a sex tape. With Brandy's brother. Who calls himself "Ray-J Jawn". Talentless rich girl engaged in coitus on video with no-name dude attached to penis? Sounds like a recipe for superstardom!
You will look at these pictures of Jessica Biel forming the camel toe in a bikini, and you will want to have sexual intercourse with her, but she would pick you up and smash you against her forehead and toss you, crumpled flat, in a pile.
Paris Hilton calls Britney "Animal". Not because of her penchant for partying, but because of her red fur, proficiency at drumming, and tendency to shout "WO-MAN!"
Pamela Anderson dresses up as Santa for the holidays. If Santa were a woman with staggeringly overstuffed fake breasts and flashed, panty-clad crotch. Which, we hear, is how he's usually depicted in traditional Norwegian folklore.
Adam Brody muses on Bilson, Barton; gets munchies.
Kylie Minogue. She sure does like to fuck.
Mr. Skin raps to the Sun-Times about Salma Hayek's cans and Ali Larter's thong.
Goddammit, Tara, you told us that you fixed that crap!
Eva Longoria says that fame is like a hurricane. And that she'd like to maybe experience it someday, God willing. Hee hee hee hee hee.
Christina Aguilera bought a shit ton of baby junk for Puffy Diddo's newly-minted twin girls. Hopefully included amongst the gifts were a couple of new names.
December 01, 2006
