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filed under: Eminem

January 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Ambrosio of the Gods

• Model Alessanda Ambrosio is out Victoria's Secret undies. Yayyy! And into a bikini. Boooo. No, wait. Yay. (Egotastic!)

• "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)

• We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)

• Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)

• Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)

• Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)

• Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)

• Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)

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February 07, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Freakishly Huge Testicles

• Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.

• Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.

• Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.

• Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.

• Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.

• Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.

• Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.

• Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.

• Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!

• Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."

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February 06, 2007

You Only Get Three Shots/Do Not Miss Your Chance to Blow (It)

According to to Entertainmentwise.com:

Rapper and friend of Eminem, Akon, might have spilled the beans about their third engagement. He said, “Eminem still loves Kim. They have one of those relationships where they are off one minute and back together the next. He can’t live with her and he can’t live without her. But they are meant for each other. They are engaged again.”

Yeah, he just wants his money back.

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August 29, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".

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April 06, 2006

Well, This Should Inspire Some Interesting Lyrics

Eminem is filing for divorce from wife Kim after 82 days of wedded bliss. So, she was his wife, then his ex-wife, then his ex-ex-wife-slash-wife. Now she's his estranged ex-ex-wife, and soon she will be his ex-ex-ex-wife, AKA his ex-wife to the second power. more »

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January 20, 2006

Love is So Much Sweeter the Second Time Around

Awwww. Look at the photo from Enimem's January 14th wedding to ex-wife Kim Mathers.

That soft, sweetly faraway look in her eyes just says, "I'm serenely joyous to be marrying the one and only love of my life, my lover and best friend, my childhood sweetheart and father of my child. Blessed be!"

Oh, wait a second. No. No, the look in her eye actually says, "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$".

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December 29, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: She's Like the Bling Through My Tree

• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".

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December 07, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Canoodling and Clam-Mams

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.

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August 19, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Sizemore Schtups for All to See

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

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August 09, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: A False Paris Walks Among Us

• Christina Aguilera reaches out one manicured hand and gleefully sounds the death gong on Britney's career.

• Choo-choo! All aboard the Breakup Train 2k5! Keira Knightley and her arm candy split, and Sadie Frost cut her pet boy loose after she was awarded $10.5 million clams in her Jude Law divorce settlement. See ya, sucker!

• Mike Tyson: philosopher. Poet. Testicle-stomper.

• Now, don't you go gettin' yerself a swoll head, Paris. Having an imposter is a nice start, but you haven't truly arrived until you have your very own stalker.

• Walking in Memphis. Shot in Denver.

• Heidi Klum: pregnant, praying, licking? Whatta country!

• Eminem busts out his most hard-hitting lyrics yet!

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December 01, 2004

Eminem: Gayer Than He Thinks

Grumpy white rapper Eminem may need to reexamine his own homophobic lyrics after reportedly dropping £60,000 on cosmetics during a recent trip to London. Cheers, Marshall, you've officially out-metrosexualed David Beckham! more »

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CNdb: Eminem Review