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filed under: Elton John

September 03, 2008

Hold Me Closer, Tipsy Drinker

The bitch is back! Elton John: gaptoothed, queeny, favors oversized novelty eyewear and wieners. Lily Allen: has third nipple, drunk, favors tit slips and Courvoisier. Put them together in the same room and it's like putting Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger in a burlap sack and then shaking it up. The pair cohosted the GQ Man of the Year Awards ceremony last night and after Lily began tossing back the sauce, hilarity ensued. Says Yeeeah! (via the Daily Mail):

When Miss Allen came to announce ‘…and now the most important part of the night’, [so-host] Elton John chipped in ‘What? Are you going to have another drink?’ She fired back: ‘Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!’

The shocked audience fell silent. A clearly rattled Elton replied ‘I could still snort you under the table’. To which she replied: ‘Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.’ When Sir Elton made reference to 82-year-old crooner Tony Bennett’s age as he was given the Inspiration Award, Miss Allen interrupted: “I’ll still fuck him.”

She also drunkenly blurted out the news that her brother had got engaged to girlfriend Jaime Winstone, much to the couple’s shock since they had not even circulated the news among their friends.

Miss Allen could be seen pouring herself champagne from a bottle she had hidden behind the lectern, gulping it down in between awards, and finally slumping down at the back of the stage. Such was her state that she barely made it off the stage after the awards ended. She went on to drink even more champagne at the afterparty and had to be helped out to her car by her ever-present bodyguard.

This is why England is way cooler than we are. England picks a known sloppy-ass inebriate to host an awards ceremony and when she starts launching f-bombs, insulting a knight, and practically falling face first into her own puke, the show rolls on. Here in America, at the first sign of Ellen Degeneres getting a little slurry, we'd yank her off the stage and replace her with Robin Williams doing funky gay rasta man voices for three and a half hours.

UPDATE: Video here!

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December 20, 2006

Making You Hurl(ey)

It's nice when B-listers go all stoolie on us, describing bigger stars's shortcomings. Why not? What do they have to lose--an upcoming CSI: Cleveland guest spot? Today's tidbit comes courtesy of the underrated and charming Samaire Armstrong, describing her experience at Elton John's wedding to David Furnish:

"It was an amazing party. I sat beside Prince Andrew and Fergie . . . Sharon, Jack, Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne were there and so were Sting and Liz Hurley--who didn't wash her hands when she left the toilet!"

Our first reaction was "Hahahahaha. Liz Hurley has tinklefingers." And our second reaction was incredulity that Samaire Armstrong was invited to Elton John's wedding. Perhaps there is a clause in the Gay Constitution stating that any guy-guy wedding must be attended by at least one (1) cast member of a popular teen drama. more »

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December 21, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Scars on Titties and Whiskers on Kittens

• Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.

• Heidi Klum probes her husband.

• Which one's cuter?: Mischa Barton with a kitty! Awww! Awwww! Awwwwwwwwww!

• 50 Cent will let his little boy mock murder people and watch porno, but cussing's where he draws the line.

• Lindsay Lo-ho and Keanu Reeves might be heading for a shack-up. One can only imagine the stimulating conversations these two have.

• Nip slip? Bah. Lip slip? Soooo two days ago. Rhona Mitra goes next level with an implant scar slip. Jealous, bitches?

• Sorry, boys! Elton John is officially off the market!

• The terrorists will never win when we have freedom on our side! Freedom, and Alyssa Milano's breast.

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December 15, 2005

NBC Hates Knockers, Puppies

It's like NBC doesn't even want people to watch their stinky old channel. First they insist on keeping both Joey and Will and Grace on the air despite nary a laugh to be heard. Now they won't let Pamela Anderson dance around a pole while wearing pasties because it will hurt the poor little children. If they think that will hurt the kiddies, wait till our army of undersexed pervy old men take to the streets and start beating the kids with baseball bats because they're so irate over not being able to see the better part of Pamela Anderson's breasts on prime-time television without turning on Fox. That will really hurt. more »

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May 27, 2005

Naked Ladies for Charity! Naked Ladies for Charity! Hooray!

Charity is cool. Giving is cool. Not just because such a thing offers a chance for us all to feel warm n' fuzzy and/or superior when we fork over some dough to help people, and not just because of those nifty tax deductions, but because very nice-looking famous ladies often get naked in the name of charity. more »

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March 07, 2005

Timberlake = Elton

Justin Timberlake was delighted when he was offered the role of Elto--sorry, Sir Elton John--in a forthcoming biopic. There was just one problem--the script was all rock n' roll, sans the sex and drugs JT craves. more »

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February 10, 2005

B-B-B-Benny On the Jets

Dirt cheap budget airline Air Tran is slapping Elton John's bloated, gap-toothed mug on the sides of 20 jets. Because nothing says "cramped, tight spaces," "huge, hard phallic object," and "irrational fear of imminent doom" quite like Elton! more »

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