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filed under: Drew Barrymore

September 24, 2008

Drew Barrymore Gets a Piece of Chuck Bass Ass
drew_barrymore_is_a_pirate.jpg We'd been hearing that Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst were in some sort of fantasy catfight that went something like this: "I'm a Mac!" "No, I'm a Mac!" And then devolved into lots of face scratching. But apparently that is so yesterday to Drew, as she's now scored herself some young (Totally not gay! Chace is just his roommate! He swears!) Gossip Girl ass. You go girl! Rawr! Get your cougar on! And so on and so forth with the lame things your fellow PTA moms will say. According to Us Weekly:
New couple alert!

Drew Barrymore and Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick were spotted "in a full-on make-out session" at a NYC concert for alt-rockers Kings of Leon Tuesday night.

Westwick's co-star Chace Crawford was also with them in the V.I.P. area at Webster Hall, but contrary to blog reports, he was not kissing Barrymore.

After the concert, Barrymore, 33, and Westwick, 21, took their PDA to Bowery Electric, according to New York's Daily Intel.

It is the second time in a week that Barrymore and Westwick locked lips, another source tells Us.

They were spotted chatting this past weekend at a Saturday Night Live after-party, which The Kings of Leon also played.

"Chemistry was there!" a witness tells Us of the two.

They then headed to NYC's hip Fat Cat Billiards, where they stayed until 6 a.m., shooting pool with Gossip Girl cast members (including Crawford), actress Ellen Page and Emile Hirsch.

"Drew was hanging all over Ed!" a witness tells Us, denying more reports that she had also smooched Crawford. "They were full-on making out!"

Adds the witness, "They were definitely all over each other. It was on!"
New couple alert! OMG, you guys, I can't believe they're dating! But they're so so perfect for each other. They would have the prettiest babies. I am so totally totally glad that Ed and Chace aren't gay; they are both so dreamy. McDreamy even. Lol. I wonder if Chace would like me? I bet he likes girls who read. He looks smart. Maybe I'll impress him with my knowledge of Twilight. Those books are so deep, he would definitely think I was smart if I talked about them. He would so marry me. And then we'd buy a house next door to Drew and Ed, and Drew would be my best friend and French braid my hair while our husbands were off filming Gossip Girl. That is so going to rock. I can't wait.

UPDATE: There's photographic evidence! more »
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September 10, 2008

A Bunch of People Who Have Too Much Damn Money
nicole_kidman_makes_a_face.jpg Most people go to the office, work super hard while their bosses are out playing golf, and instead of heaps of credit and a corner office and huge pay raises they get an FTD teddy bear bouquet as a Christmas bonus. But movie stars aren't like most people. They make a decent flick or two then it's off to A-list land, where no paycheck has fewer than seven zeros and nobody cares if you actually do good work as long as your famous name appears above the title. This is how movie stars get to foist piles of dog shit at the public, call them "blockbusters", and get paid at least 20 mil for the effort. But there are a few stars that the rich man's periodical Forbes thinks need to start earning minimum wage to learn a lesson or two.

1. Nicole Kidman
2. Jennifer Garner
3. Tom Cruise
4. Cameron Diaz
5. Jennifer Lopez
6. Jim Carrey
7. Nicolas Cage
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Will Ferrell
10. Cate Blanchett

Moist of these we understand; what a bunch of turkeys these hacks have turned out (besides the lovely, talented, irreplaceable, poured-from-porcelain Cate Blanchett, of course). But Cameron Diaz? She is worth every single shiny penny. Did you see What Happens in Vegas? That film was a touching tale of how to find love through humility that spoke to every single human being with a beating heart. And you just can't put a price on meaning like that.
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July 08, 2008

Drew and Mac Guy CtrlAltDel Their Romance
drew_barrymore_justin_long.jpgIn the IT department of love, Drew Barrymore is a busted-ass copy of Vista today, for her beau of eight months, Justin "I'm a Mac" Long, has ceased plugging his USB into her port. Star Magazine reports:
Drew Barrymore has called it quits with her boyfriend Justin Long, Star has exclusively confirmed. A rep for the Charlie's Angels actress says tells Star, "I can confirm the split but have no other comment."
What could have possibly soured in a relationship between a dude best known for a computer commercial and an international movie star who has been in 4000 relationships in the past decade? Perhaps he misrepresented himself, and took to groaning, "dude, you're gettin' a Dell!" before coitus. more »
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September 05, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices
pamela_anderson_bikini_sept_5_big.jpg• Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)

• Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)

• Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)

• Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)

• What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)

• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)

• Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)

• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)

• Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)

• Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)

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July 03, 2007

Zach Braff Disguises Douchiness, Snags Barrymore
zach braff idiot.jpg Apparently Zach Braff is on a mission to despoil lovely young actresses whom we like with his truly unique brand of scuzzy dickwaddiness. Over the weekend he was seen contaminating the otherwise pure visage of Drew Barrymore. Page Six reports:
WHEN Page Six first reported that Zach Braff was flirting with Drew Barrymore at the "SNL" after-party a few months ago, we didn't think anything would come of it - after all, Barrymore was dating Spike Jonze and Braff was dating just about everyone. But they recently reconnected and spent the weekend in East Village bliss. On Saturday, the lovebirds held hands strolling down Lafayette Street and that night made out at Beauty Bar.
And according to the Daily News:
Zach Braff - who's not a cad, according to his blog - hit the town Saturday with Drew Barrymore. The two were spotted making out at Beauty Bar on E. 14th St., sez Gawker.com.
This quote prompted us to check out Braff's website, hoping we'd get a nice diatribe defending his horrible pickup lines, but instead we got thousands upon thousands (seriously) of words filled with lame "jokes" and shameless self-promotion. Thanks, Zach! But anyhow, we thought Drew Barrymore had a bit more sense than to suck face with Zach Braff (although we had forgotten about her brief marriage to Tom Green, so we suppose it's not actually out of character). Someone needs to get this girl a copy of that Mandy Moore song right now, before he tricks her into starring in his next directorial effort, the story of an introspective aging indie-rock musician who finds love and salvation when a quirky yet adorable diner waitress refuses to fill his hash-brown order. Hilarity--and many, many songs by the Shins--ensues.
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March 28, 2007

Jane Pratt and Drew Barrymore Totally Did It! With Each Other!
drew barrymore 90s.jpg Since Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox took your elevated Friends lesbian-fan-fic dreams and crushed them like a comically oversized mallet, we'll bring a little Sapphic joy to your lives. The only catch is that you'll have to use that rusty old imagination to conjure up sweet '90s-revival images of former Jane and Sassy editor Jane Pratt and Drew Barrymore clam jousting while their flannels and Doc Martens lay in heap on the floor. The New York Post reports:
Pratt, who has been a frequent guest on Howard Stern's show, says, "One of my dreams is to return to Howard's show and tell him the truth about Drew Barrymore and me."

She said years ago, when Stern was on his terrestrial station, he had asked her if she had ever had sex with a woman. She answered "yes" but then demurred when he asked if it was someone people have heard of.

She said she would like to go back and tell him the truth. "It was someone famous. I did have sex with Drew Barrymore," she said.
While normally news of this variety would excite our private areas, in this case it sort of makes us sad. It reminds us of the wild, free Drew Barrymore who had sex with chicks and flashed her tits on Letterman. These days the most risquι thing she does is share a doob with Cameron Diaz. We miss the '90s. more »
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March 15, 2007

Drew Barrymore Jonzing for Spike
drewspike.jpgWhen Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy started dating, a friend of ours said, "When I heard that, I felt relieved, because it was just meant to be. I was like, 'Ahhh. Finally. They've found each other.'" And that's kind of how we're feeling about Drew Barrymore fornicating with director Spike Jonze. The director of quirky cuteness and the lispy patron saint of quirky cuteness. Together. And even if they didn't have that in common, we can all agree that physically, Jonze is equal parts Drew castoffs Eric Erlandson and Luke Wilson:

erlandson.jpg Luke-Wilson.jpg spike_jonze.jpg

more »
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February 26, 2007

Drew Passes Cam the Dutchie from the Left Hand Side
cameronjoint1.jpgNever did we think we'd see the day that Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz would be aping the styles of Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton. Mind you, Drew and Cam aren't really known for trendsetting--unless extreme stroke-mouth and getting Timberdumped are considered hot fads with the kids--but the smoking a j in public thing is for the 24-and-under celebutard set only, not for the elder stateswomen of Hollywood. Especially when one of the elder stateswomen was in rehab before her first training bra. After the cut, more tokeage, and more importantly, more bikinis! more »
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February 07, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Freakishly Huge Testicles
cisconudecens.jpg• Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.

• Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.

• Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.

• Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.

• Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.

• Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.

• Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.

• Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.

• Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!

• Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."
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January 18, 2007

And Now They're Porking
sienna miller dumb clothes.jpg Have you been boning the same boring person for eight years because you know that if you dumped said boring person there would just be another boring person--who would probably be less attractive or fatter or more annoying--to take their place? You should totally become a celebrity! Then you could change partners every six months and each one would be prettier and more successful than the last. Now you'll just have to work on getting talent and looks and charm. That should be easy. more »
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January 10, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: The Hottie and the Nottie
mysocalled.jpg• Billy Crudup dumped his seven-months-preggo girlfriend to throw it into Claire Danes. Now Claire Danes is rebounding from HER Crudup breakup (say that five times fast) with a dude who digs dudes. Yeah, that sounds about right.

• Paris says she is getting very, very serious about her acting. And to prove her very, very serious commitment to her craft, she is starring in the very, very serious motion picture The Hottie and the Nottie.

• Suzanne Somers's home burned to the ground. Her reaction? "YAAAAAY! COOOOOOOOL! HOORAAAAYYY!"

• Lindsay Lohan went out and partied-as-a-verb a mere two days after her alleged appendix surgery. Yeah, so? What's the big deal? You don't need an appendix to metabolize tequila and blow, DUHHHH.

• The People's Choice Awards are funny because it seems that no actual People knew that they were happening.

• DJ AM and Mandy Moore are hooking it up. After riding Nicole Richie for lo, so many years, the womanly softness of the divine Mandy must be like floating on a cloud of baby chicks wearing angora hats. Ahhhh.

• Britney's new man has a name and a MySpace. Did her vagina tell him "thx 4 the add!!!"?

• Et tu, Drew and Fab?

• Is it just us, or has Mr. Blackwell just recycled the same old "worst dressed" list every year since 2000? He's still probably pissed that he can't put Cher on it anymore.
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January 20, 2006

Celebrities Have Better Sex than You (Oh, and More Money)
When you woke up this morning you thought to yourself, "Gee, I really wish I knew what the sexual habits of celebrities were." (And frankly we're proud of you for managing to keep your sick-ass perversions in check this morning. Not like yesterday when your first thought upon waking involved Liza Minnelli getting fucked in the ass with a parsnip. Seriously, dude, get some help.) You're in luck, my friend, as today we can bring you news of the sexual stylings of Drew Barrymore and Reese Witherspoon. With their respective men. Not with each other. Sorry to get your hopes up there. more »
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January 18, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: A Kidney Stone to Build Homes
• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.
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October 06, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: "No, Srsly, Sharn. Jus Drink Da Dis'ronno."
• We're scared, and expecting Renιe Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.
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October 05, 2005

The Lohan: No Bad Deed Goes Unpunished
Karma exists. If you don't believe us, then pull up a carpet square, tiny childen, because it's storytime! Today, we have a nice fable about the little redhaired girl who was so very mean that Fate made her pretty car go boom. Everyone, look at the nice pictures! more »
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July 08, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Jen Aniston Still Sad
• Jennifer Aniston collapses on movie set, pregnancy rumors sure to follow.

• We previously reported that The Lady Federline was about to pose nude and el preggo on the cover of Vanity Fair. As it turns out, she's not. Her burgeoning bump has grown to such gargantuan proportions that they'd have to spring for a foldout.

• Hurry! Empty your bank account and place all celebrity death pool bets on Zsa Zsa Gabor, pronto!

• Drew Barrymore forced to gently care for eight peckers.

• Because we hate ourselves and can only bolster our fragile self-esteem by mocking others, please enjoy Sky's "Stars Looking Rough".

• First Neneh Cherry, now Daryl Hall . . . why are our best and brightest being struck down with Lyme disease? It's a deer tick conspiracy.

• It's Crazy Eddie's 24-Hour, 24 star liquidation sale! Our prices are crrrrazy! We've got Elisha Cuthberts on sale for the low, low price of $47! Act now, and we'll throw in a couple of Keifers at no extra cost!

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February 08, 2005

Drew De-Strokes?
Drew Barrymore has reportedly left her longtime beau, Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, asking "Is This It?" after she dumped him. Via a letter. While that doesn't have the same devil-may-care, post-post-post-ironic cajones as dumping your rock star arm candy by text message, it's still a bold, bold move on Drew's part. more »
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