filed under: Dina Lohan

Everyone had a friend in high school who had a mother like Dina Lohan. She enters the rec room in an impossibly low-cut blouse and whispers, "wanna get stoned?" to her daughter's male friends with her damp Benson and Hedges breath. But those mothers do not have a child whose (pendulous, succulent, masterful) breasts are featured in a national magazine. But ever the "cool" mom, Dina wants us to know that when it comes to Lindsay's naked New York magazine spread, it's thumbs up all the way. According to Celebitchy, she said:

“It was very tastefully done. I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother. . . Trust me, I wouldn’t have sent my 14-year-old to the set [if the shoot was in bad taste]. And obviously Lindsay wouldn’t do anything with her sister there, that was risqué.”

Ali Lohan: celebrity sibling. Cockblocker. If Lindsay was willing to haul out funbags and firecrotch and wave them around like a pinwheel in the spring breeze, one has to imagine what she would have been up for had her sister not been there. We're thinking ice dildoes. Ice dildoes and Gogurt enemas. Curse you, Ali Lohan! more »

• Now that it's raining more than ever/know that Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (Egotastic!)

• Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

• Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

• Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

• Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

• Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

• And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

• Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

• Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)

Oh my God. Lindsay. Psst! Lindsay! Listen! Hey! Lindsay! OK, we don't mean to creep you out but, um, there's a reaaaaally gross parasitic creepy-crawly thingie next to you. Don't freak out, don't move! It's to your left. No, your LEFT. Shhh, no, don't let it see your fear! Just take off that gigantic shoe and squish it fast. Now! Squish it! Get it! Kill it! Kill it! Ew. God, those things are sick. They camouflage themselves with freckles and highlights and then feed off fame. Yeeeauurgh. more »

• If Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (Drunken Stepfather)

• I know why the caged Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (FemaleFirst)

• What will Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (Yeeeah!)

• While Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (Hollywood Backwash)

• A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's Clay Aiken! (ONTD)

• Once upon a time, Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (Derek Hail)

• Germany has banned Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (Celebrity Hack)

• Hef: the Movie. (Hollywood Grind)

• V.I.L.E. henchmen Timberlake and Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (FemaleFirst)

• Michael Lohan claims that Mama Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child, Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (Celebitchy)

Dina Lohan is just like any other mother. When her eldest and earningest child gets wise to the fact that normal Hollywood managers don't take a 40% cut of their clients' salaries, she gives her up as a lost cause and turns to exploiting her more gullible and still befreckled and cuddly offspring. But when you've got a TV show all about your excellent mothering skills to promote, visiting your forgotten child in coke detox becomes a necessary nuisance. BestWeekEver reports:

Lindsay Lohan’s manager-mom Dina is en route to Los Angeles, to visit Lindsay at Promises rehab in Malibu, BestWeekEver.TV has exclusively learned.

Dina’s visit will mark the first visit by a family member, since Lindsay entered Promises last week. “First and foremost, Dina is a mother, and Lindsay and Dina can’t wait to see each other,” a source tells BWE.tv. “Lindsay is in a great place, emotionally and physically, and this is great for her.”

The source adds that while in L.A., Dina will also play babysitter - to Lindsay’s dogs! Awww….

Were Dina a normal mom visiting her daughter in rehab, this visit would've happened a week ago and consisted of many tears and encouraging words, and possibly a care package from Krispy Kreme or Sephora. But this is Dina we're talking about. The conversation probably centered on which bouncers at Hyde would let thirteen-year-old Ali through the door and which nights they worked, and the care package probably consisted of a couple eightballs stuffed inside a hollowed-out teddy bear with a removable head and some blank checks made out to Dina for Lindsay to sign. more »

Dina Lohan is finally realizing her destiny of becoming the white Oprah. Except her only topical guest is her daughter, whom she'll talk to over and over and over until Lindsay gets mad and yells in Dina's camera, "God, Mom, why don't you get your own life. Don't you have friends who are old like you that you could hang out with? You could go shopping for pantsuits and have some early bird specials or clean your dentures together or whatever old ladies do." more »

And for our next act, we will let Page Six shock and amaze you with their tale of a tawdry under-table tickling:

WHILE Lindsay Lohan is off filming in Hollywood, her mom, Dina Lohan, is busy showing where Lindsay might have picked up her moves. Dina, spotted in a "really short dress and boots," made some fellow diners at Kobe Club lose their appetites Wednesday night. A guy sitting next to Dina was "all over her," we're told. "Dina had a napkin in her lap and hiked up her dress," our source says. "The guy put his hand under her napkin . . . It went on for like five minutes." After the guy realized he was being watched, he stopped whatever it was he was doing. A rep for Dina said, "That's a disgusting lie and it's completely untrue."

We're sure the kindly gentleman had heard about Lindsay's recent battle with appendicitis and, fearing such things run in families, was checking for inflammation. He was concerned about Dina's health, obviously. Also, Dina Lohan has a rep? That's kind of like Kevin Federline having an accountant.

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

Your weekend: clearing the dog BM from your yard, a quiet housewarming party in the suburbs, washing the car, a little light cleaning.

Lindsay Lohan's weekend: cussing out her drunk, coked-up mother in public, dodging flying cookies, a trip to the ER.

Advantage: Lohan. more »