filed under: David Hasselhoff

• Paula Abdul has a new contorted face! Look into her stretched eyes! Oh oh! She's been tellin' lies! (Yeeeah!)

• Larry Birkhead thinks Dannielynn has her mom's pouty lips, long legs and chubby toes. Jury's out on who she takes after in the implant and veneer department, though. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Britney stormed out of a photo shoot in a huff, never to return. Turns out they only had honey BBQ pretzel bites, not the buffalo ranch. (Daily Stab)

• German magician attempts to make Pam Anderson's breast ooze its way out of her bathing suit. (Hollywood Tuna)

• You know David Hasselhoff's ex-wife must be insanely f'ed up, because he got sole custody of the kids. Yaaaay, it's cheeseburger night! (Star Herpes)

• An odd fashion choice, even for Ashley Olsen. Perhaps she has joined a harem and is planning on seducing the sheik with her mysterious, semi-sheer, snakelike undulations. (Drunken Stepfather)

• How Jessica Simpson lost the baby Mayer weight. (IMDb.com)

• Here are some surprisingly hot pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Bryan Adams. Because when you want to sex up your image, where else to turn than a pockmarked Canadian adult contemporary artist? It makes perfect sense. (Egotastic!)

• Angelina and Brad are thinking about adding a Czech orphan to their multi-hued brood. NO. F U. MORE SHILOH. (Derek Hail)

• Brooke Hogan performs in frayed denim chaps. We haven't seen such creative scissors-meet-fabric self-styling since Billy's Squier's "Rock Me Tonite" video! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nicole Richie pregnant. Yeah, rite. (Female First)

• Jennifer Aniston gets back at Brad for shacking up with Hollywood's most beautiful woman with the only possible revenge: dating a model. (Hollyscoop)

• Criss Angel dedicates a magic trick to new girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Uhhh, we think that sort of romance only works with musicians dedicating songs. Then again, who knows, maybe there are dentists out there saying, "This root canal goes out to my boo, Debbie. I love you, babygirl." (Celebitchy)

• Christina Aguilera and her husband. They sure do like costumes. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Elle MacPherson: She's still got it! And by "it" we mean "nipples". (Taxi Driver)

• Dawn Wiener's sweater puppies in Hostel 2. (Don't Link This)

• The Hoff got hassled by ex-wife and cops. (Yeeeah!)

• Katie Holmes threatens to bake up a fresh batch of Cruise juice into more spawn. (Glosslip)

• The Butterscotch Stallion to freely roam the plains again, whinnying and rearing and tossing his golden mane. (Lainey Gossip)

Our love for The Hoff used to be deep and seemingly untouchable. But in recent months he has become almost like a caricature of himself. Sometimes it's difficult to discern whether we're seeing the actual David Hasselhoff or a Saturday Night Live skit with Alec Baldwin standing in for the Knight Rider. We think Alec's been pretty busy lately pissing off anyone he's ever met, so we're going to have to believe that was indeed The Hoff in an assumedly drunken appearance on British TV. more »

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!

• Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."

• David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

• Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

• Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

• I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

• Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

• Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

• Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

• Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.

In bygone days we were the first to avow undying love for David Hasselhoff. The famous "Don't Hassel the Hoff" T-shirt? The idea was cribbed from our own black-Sharpie-on-Fruit-of-the-Loom design. But lately our devotion has waned due to the Hoff seeming to turn into a world-class jag bag. But getting kicked out of Wimbledon for being soused? That's pretty damn rock 'n' roll. Well, except for the whole tennis part. That's pretty John Tesh. more »

• Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!

• Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.

• When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!

• Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."

• Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.

• Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.

• In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!

• Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.

• Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergι egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.

We always knew that if it came down to it we would jump out of a window, stuff our ears full of dynamite, or even listen to an entire Clay Aiken CD for the chance to meet David Hasselhoff, but we thought we were the only one. Apparently we were wrong. more »

And you thought nothing could rival the triumph, heartache, and thrill of Showgirls . . . Make way for Baywatch: The Movie. more »