filed under: David Beckham

• Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab)

• Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)

• Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)

• "Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a parperp pupozee parparotzy man and kissed on him. rainbows r pritty!!!!!111" Britney Spears has video diaries and they may be released, woo hoo! (Hollywire)

• John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)

• Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)

• Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)

• Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)

• Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)

So you know all those things you've heard about Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than someone. PageSix.com reports:

A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out. * The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.

What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).

Spend $50,000 on a pair of diamond-dust encrusted panty hose that claim to make your legs so skinny you'll look like a pair of children's safety scissors? Victoria Beckham says, "Of course!" But hand over wads of cash to a religion that promotes the love and acceptance of her alien brethren? F that. more »

Our second Posh Spice story in as many days! We truly are obsessed. Today, she's making headlines due to the outrageous, Mariah Carey-like list of demands she and husband David gave to a London hotel to ensure that their stay was a comfortable one. Your hotel requirements might be: towels, a working toilet, decent water pressure, and sheets with the minimal amount of bodily fluid on them. Posh's are much different. more »

Posh Spice's rather unflattering severe new bob was widely covered in the gossip blog pages a few weeks ago. Some speculated that it was a way to balance out her terrible, terrible boobs, some said she wanted to spark a new trend, but the truth of the matter is that the penile ministrations of husband David Beckham were hearty enough to cause her extensions to fall out. In essence, he fucked her weave off. more »

David Beckham says that he was able to get over the shock and stress of being dropped from his soccer team through the gentle guidance of his good friend Tom Cruise, who, with a positive attitude and a reassuring grin, helped Becks realize that he was surrounded by a healthy family and wonderful best friends and a pretty house and a lot of talent. And then the two of them held hands with Barney and took a ride over the rainbow on the Great Space Coaster so they could teach Knock-Knock and Edison all about sharing, caring, and cooperation. more »

Once in a while we jump on a story that may not be based in anything that resembles fact. Like if we heard a story about Britney Spears's plans to gain a bunch of weight, don a muumuu, and take to the stage as a Divine impersonator, we'd run with it. Sure, we might have to run a retraction, but we'd get a few laughs out of it first. But sometimes we get things wrong and it's not the fault of our lack of journalistic ethics or even our extreme laziness. Sometimes famous people are really, really dumb. And today David Beckham happens to fall in that category. more »

In case you were under the mistaken impression that an eighty-eight-pound body with all the curvy womanly features of an eleven-year-old is insufficient to support human life, Victoria Beckham proves your assumption wrong by gestating her fourth child. more »

After exhausting his list of Scientological compatriots (Leah Remini) and tight-lipped celeb cronies on the L. Ron payroll (the Pinkett-Smiths, Penelope Cruz), Tom Cruise is branching out and inviting other celebrities to bear frankincense, myrrh, and designer Baby Bjorns, follow the star in the north and come to gaze upon baby Suri No Middle Name as she lies in her plexiglass, thetan-repelling hyperbaric cradle. He's invited Posh Spice and her well-waxed husband David Beckham to come visit the child (after agreeing to adhere to a list of creepy rules, natch), but we just think he wants to throw the fact that they haven't yet been able to produce a girl-child in their faces. more »

This tidbit is FemaleFirst-penned, so take it with a Hummer full of salt, but Posh Spice and equally groomed hubby David Beckham are reportedly having sex standing up, because they heard that's a surefire way to conceive a girl. In related news, the Beckhams also say that you can't get pregnant when you do it doggy-style, and if you use tampons, you're like totally not a virgin anymore. more »

There are a few things we know for sure about Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham: She has a face like Mr. Ed's long-lost bastard daughter, she could beat both Jessica Simpson and Catherine Zeta-Jones in a game of "Look how much empty space I have in my skull," and she has very fertile lady parts. The rest of these things are currently just conjecture: Vic may be knocked up again, her marriage may be nothing more than a surprisingly good acting performance, and she may be bowing down to our lord and savior, Xenu. more »