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filed under: Cisco Adler

July 25, 2007

Ew Part 2.

Like the genital linking of Kimberly Stewart and Tommy Lee, the commingling of herpes strains between Paris Hilton and Cisco Adler was inevitable. TMZ reports:

The scariest scene at Guy's karaoke night on Tuesday wasn't Paris "singing," it was her make-out session with ballsy Cisco Adler! Nuts!

A TMZ spy spotted Hilton and Mischa Barton's grungy ex-boyfriend kissing all over each other at the club last night, with Paris going so far as to give Adler a little lap dance. Careful of the boys!

When she wasn't getting randy in the crowd, Paris graced the stage with a rendition of "Bette Davis Eyes," followed by a medley of her hit "Stars are Blind."

This is the universe trying to punish us, isn't it? Now we're never going to get the image of Paris Hilton trying to slurp up Cisco's enormous, pendulous balls like a couple of oysters on the half shell out of our head.

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February 08, 2007

Cisco Speaks Sac

Cisco Adler loves his balls, and he doesn't care what all y'all bitches say about them. Mostly because he knows he could slap you in the face with his saggy scrotum from a standing position. Oh, and Mischa didn't dump him. She loves his dangly donuts. more »

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February 07, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Freakishly Huge Testicles

• Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.

• Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.

• Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.

• Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.

• Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.

• Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.

• Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.

• Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.

• Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!

• Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."

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January 29, 2007

Paris Exposed Again, and This Time She Brings Cisco Adler Along

It's our third straight day of Paris Exposed, just in case you were wondering about the extent to which a Paris may be exposed. Many more pictures and documents have been spread, like Paris's storied herpes of yore, throughout the internet this weekend, and although it's impossible to feign any interest in more pictures of Paris choking on a one-hitter, we were definitely about to lift our weary eyes to the screen long enough to take a passing interest in the picture of Cisco Adler sans clothing. The operative phrase there being "long enough", which you'll note after the not-safe-for-work (and, possibly, not-safe-for-retinas) cut. more »

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January 22, 2007

Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler Narrowly Escape Harrowing Pot Raid

Mischa Barton and her slack-jawed craprocker beau, Cisco Adler, were allegedly minutes away from being busted at a major raid on a Los Angeles "medical marijuana distribution center" last Wednesday. The story is highly (har har) dubious, especially considering the fact that if DEA agents are so keen on cleaning up drugs in Hollywood, they could just perform a raid on Nicole Richie's SUV or Lindsay Lohan's nasal cavity. Man, this Leno 3000 Topical Joke Generator works like a charm! more »

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November 22, 2006

Mischa Barton Vastly Overestimates Cisco Adler's Importance

Mischa Barton, sad over her waning career and slovenly unwashed paramour, cries and cries and demands an engagement ring and threatens to kill herself and take her poor dog with her. We're not sure what's more disturbing: Puppy murder or thinking Cisco Adler makes an ideal life mate. more »

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June 19, 2006

Who Cares About Album Sales? Cisco's a Luv Machine

We never thought he could sink lower than riding around on a flatbed truck shilling real estate, but we were wrong. Cisco Adler's Black Crowes tribute band Whitestarr (the extra R means they're extra raw, brah) is selling worse than Kevin Federline. Their first album, "Luv Machine" (you've gotta be fucking kidding me), has sold only 812 copies in almost six weeks of release, with only 75 copies sold last week. We don't really have a joke here, folks. We just wanted to share with you the most pathetic story we heard today. But if we find a cache of 812 Whitestarr CDs with "Mrs. Adler" and hearts drawn all over them under Mischa Barton's bed, we'll let you know.

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February 07, 2006

Cisco Loves Mischa's Spacious Balcony and Ample Closet Space

That Mischa Barton is one lucky girl. She's got a hit TV show, she's young and rich and gets invited to all the hot parties, and she has a boyfriend who can take a break from selling real estate from the back of a flat-bed truck to sing her a little song. If only we were all so lucky. more »

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November 28, 2005

Engagements and Disengagements of the Non-stars, with Special Guest Mischa Barton

Surely you are familiar with the name Mischa Barton. She's on that show that's like 90210 but not, and with better and more expensive clothes; she enjoys throwing lawn furniture into pools and pretending she's a lesbian. And if you like truly heinous music you may be familiar with her current paramour, Cisco Adler. He was once engaged to Kimberly Stewart, who sprang forth from the loins of Rod Stewart, some old dude that ladies in the '70s thought was sexy. But now Cisco is engaged to Mischa and Kimberly has ended her two-week engagement to some guy who's even less famous than Cisco. more »

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