filed under: Christina Applegate

When people get cancer, it's sad. When famous hot ladies get cancer in their titty parts, it's even sadder. Why, God, why? Lovely and charming actress Christina Applegate is unfortunately afflicted with breast cancer, but she'll be fine. Her rep issued this statement:

"Benefitting from early detection through a doctor-ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery."

Warm wishes to our beloved Ms. Applegate for a speedy recovery. But we still raise an anguished fist to the heavens and ask why? Why, of all the body parts of all the people in the world, did this tumor pick Christina's flawless breast? Why couldn't it have chosen Paris Hilton's ass flap? Then she can get it cut off and insurance will pay for it. And we all win. Yaaaayyy! more »

Some people live by the gun and die by the gun. Not us. We live by People and die by People. We float, directionless, every week until that glossy mag appears in our mailbox and teaches us exactly how Eva Longoria safely gets her bronze glow, to relay a tender tale of how a family schnauzer saved a 92-year-old woman, and that always hilarious "Oh Baby!" picture* of some irrepressible little moppet. So we're happy to report that the annual People's 100 Most Beautiful list is out. Finally, we have a sanctioned list of acceptable celebrities whose faces we will now masturbate to, which includes Kate Hudson, Sarah Silverman, the cast of Gossip Girl, Christina Applegate, Isla Fisher, Julianne Moore, and Rumer Willis. Rumer Willis! Someone famous simply for being the offspring of Ashton Kutcher's wife and the guy who did the Return of Bruno record! Good God, you have brought shame upon the once-respected institution of the Most Beautiful list!

* So that's the Enquirer. Whatever. But doesn't the uplifting message of toddlers with birthday cake all over their mugs just scream People? Or at least Baby Bukkake Monthly.

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.

Married . . . with Children's own Kelly Bundy, Christina Applegate, recently took in a nice live sex show in Amsterdam and labeled it "really sweet." Applegate then confessed that she thought Belladonna movies were "adorable" and that German scheisse porn was "perfectly darling." more »