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filed under: Chris Martin

July 10, 2008

Apple and Moses, Meet Your New Brother, Chewbacca

You think that Sunday and Levi are names worthy of getting a kid 's teeth knocked out behind the jungle gym? Wait till you meet little Chewy Martin. Luckily his parents won't have any trouble understanding his strange language, as to them names and words and such are nothing but noises. The San Francisco Chronicle reports on Chris Martin's baby-name theory:

Coldplay rocker Chris Martin is sticking up for celebrities with unusually named children, insisting names are "just noises."

Martin and his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, delved deep into the baby name book to hand their 2-year-old son the Biblically themed Moses, after giving daughter Apple, 4, a fruity moniker.

But the singer insists there's nothing odd about choosing a unique name.

He tells Blender magazine, "People make a big fuss over names. Names of babies, names of albums, names of bands.

"There's nothing weird about calling your baby Chewbacca if that's what you want to call your baby. It's no stranger than Sarah.

"A name is just a noise, and, if you like it, then [bleep] what everyone else says."

Thanks for the idea, Chris. We just found this really sweet size 2T head-to-toe fur snowsuit, but we weren't sure what infant on earth would be worthy of such couture. But now that Chris has so helpfully chosen the perfect baby name for us, we better get to procreatin'!

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January 16, 2008

Celebrities Spending Writer's Strike Having Tons of Sex, Getting Knocked Up

matthew mcconaughey moose knuckle walking dog.jpg

Just like your 35-year-old spinster sister, Hollywood is baby crazy. We're beginning to think that Governor Arnold secretly passed a law that every showbiz personality must spawn by the year 2010 or be forced to spend two years working the craft services table. Jennifer Aniston better start prepping her uterus, because we hear she's a mess with a chafing dish. more »

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April 10, 2006

Paltrow Pops Moses Martin

Here we've been watching Katie Holmes through our gossip telescope waiting for her to deflate the pillow under her shirt and magically turn it into a real live baby (Scientology makes you magic, people), and we were so distracted that we totally forgot that Gwyneth Paltrow even existed, let alone that she was carrying a spawn of her own. Now Gwyneth has produced (Ha! Produce! Apple!) another tiny human, proving once and for all the old hypothesis that incubating a Martin takes about four months, while incubating a Cruise takes roughly three and a half years. (We learned that one in chemistry class right after memorizing the periodic table.) more »

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February 14, 2006

Chris Martin's Pants Hate Him Just as Much as You Do

We thought that between the two of them Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Chris Martin had about as much of a sense of humor as Droopy Dog, but apparently we were wrong. Martin at least can crack a joke. It just takes his pants falling down in front of thousands of people. more »

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January 13, 2006

Gwyneth Paltrow's New Fetus: A Day Late and a Whole Lotta Sex Appeal Short

So Gwyneth Paltrow has officially announced that she's pregnant. Usually this would be big news and people would joke over what the kid would be named. (At this point we think that the Paltrow-Martin household uses the "pick up the first reading material you see and point to a word" strategy of child naming, with Apple coming from a Macintosh catalog and the rumored Capone coming from an encyclopedia on American crime. The kid's just lucky its parents don't read The Wall Street Journal, cause if they did the poor thing could have been saddled with something like Fiduciary.) But since this announcement comes the day after we officially learned of the Jolie-Pitt super fetus, we just say, "Enh." more »

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January 03, 2006

Gwyneth's Baby Already Mocked in the Womb

And you thought she couldn't top "Apple" . . . the name Gwyneth Paltrow has chosen for her new baby is pure crapple. more »

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October 26, 2005

Gwyneth Paltrow: Baby Factory

Gwyneth Paltrow and her fey Coldplay husband Chris Martin have reproduced yet again. Tears of joy, awe, congratulatory handshakes, hearty high-fives, gasps, over-the-top chest-clutching, impassioned dancing in the streets, fainting, tickertape parade, baby animal sacrifice, etc., to come. more »

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April 19, 2005

Celebrity Suicidal Ideation Is the New Ugg Boot

We thought we were pretty good at predicting the next big thing. Back when Elaine was pitching the urban sombrero we were saying, "No, no, it'll be the urban poncho." But the latest celebrity trend just completely surpassed us. What are the hip kids doing these days? Why, admitting that they contemplated suicide, of course! Everyone from Tom Jones to Mickey Rourke is doing it, so you know this thing is going to catch on. more »

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