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filed under: Charlize Theron
March 19, 2008
Jenna Jameson Fingers Charlize . . . As Her Sex Heir
In addition to keeping herself busy with various and sundry plastical surgery procedures, Jenna Jameson has been enjoying her run as a spokesperson for PETA. So much that she's conceiving ideas for other possible advertisements and PSAs. Jenna says,
"It would be amazing if Charlize Theron did one of our 'Go naked' campaigns. I saw her just the other day and she just blew me away. Charlize is so sexy - I would totally love for her to go naked. I'd die for that. Bettie Page was the ultimate sex icon. Then next came Marilyn Monroe, then Pamela Anderson, then me. Now I'm on the lookout for the next woman to pass my title onto. Charlize would be perfect."Ah, yes. The storied Passing of the Sex Icon Torch ceremony. Only it's not much of a literal torch. It's more of a flaming dildo. Flaming with the clap. Ow, that burns! more »
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January 21, 2008
Charlize Theron Hungary for Geography Lesson
Today Charlize Theron proves that you don't have to qualify for Mensa to repeatedly star opposite Keanu Reeves. PageSix.com reports: Oscar winner Charlize Theron, who has never been considered an airhead, made a serious geographical gaffe when she mixed up her Eastern European cities in a recent interview.We're going to let Charlize slide of this one. Turkey is really far away and not very glamorous. If she had said that London was in Spain, that would be funny, because everyone loves London. Besides, Charlize is still probably way smarter than other celebs. We're guessing that if you asked Paris Hilton where Malibu was she'd say, "I dunno. Colorado?"
While promoting the UK release of In The Valley of Elah, the South African actress waxed poetic about her visit to the Turkish city of Budapest... except Budapest is in Hungary. She had meant to say Istanbul.
"We went to Turkey. When we got over there, we rented a car and we drove all the way to Budapest," the 32-year-old told London's Daily Mail of her spring 2006 trip with actor beau Stuart Townsend. That would have been one impressive drive, considering the capital of Turkey is about 660 miles from Budapest.
"By the time we got to Budapest it was like the Cannes Film Festival, I'd never seen anything like it," she said. Charlize, that was the popular Istanbul International Film Festival you attended.
She also described visiting a Turkish bazaar where she purchased various local rugs. In one sighting, a tipster from A Socialite's Life observed Charlize throwing down $380,000 on silk and traditional Turkish rugs at Istanbul's historical Grand Bazaar.
"When we travel, it's like backpacking," she said of her desire to keep a low profile. "We don't stay in fancy hotels. We like to go and be part of the culture."
October 10, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Keifer in the Klink
Brittany Murphy's husband is Artie Lange??? (Bricks and Stones) Lindsay says that rehab was a "sobering experience". You don't say. (IDLYITW)
Tara Reid in FHM looking . . . good? Oh, look, a flying pig. (Hollywood Tuna)
Charlize Theron is Esquire's Sexiest woman. Which is a nicer honor than being Esquire's Stinkiest Belly Button. Yeah, we're still bitter, Esquire. Screw you jerks. (Egotastic!)
Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'. Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (Derek Hail)
Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail. God, he is always trying to ape Paris's steez, man. Always. (The Blemish)
Man of God proves that Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . . Gayken! (Celebitchy)
Everybody on earth knows that J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (CelebWarship)
September 14, 2007
Charlize Theron and Stuart Townshend Get Pretend Married
Ah, the sacred covenant of marriage. Eva and Tony did it. Katie and Tom did it. And now, Charlize Theron and actor Stuart Townshend have done it. In the magical land of make-believe! The pair wore matching wedding bands at the Toronto Film Festival, and Townshend told the press:
"I didn't do a church wedding or anything, but we're married. We're husband and wife. We love each other and we want to spend our lives together. We didn't have a ceremony, I don't need a certificate or the state or the church to say otherwise. So no there's no big official story on a wedding, but we are married ... I consider her my wife and she considers me her husband."That's cool. We consider chocolate cake with buttercreme frosting to be a nutritious vegetable packed with minerals and antioxidants. Does that make it so? Yes. Yes it does. We don't need a fancy blessing from a "nutritionist". The fact that our cholesterol is 332 is just a "technicality". We don't buy into your authoritative patriarchal "rules", man. more »
September 10, 2007
Charlize Theron Ready to Bust Out the Polident
Wonder what Charlize Theron's been busying herself with recently? Oh, not much. Just withering like a crone and watching her formerly plump and ripe breasts turn into walnuts lying at the bottom of two ancient plastic grocery bags. She recently admitted:
"I'm 32 and as you get older you get wrinkles and your boobs sag. You get wisdom too, so it's not all bad. But you can't really do anything about aging."Tell that to Debbie Harry, girlfriend. If you had any sort of self-respect, you'd be overseas hunting down various sundry pregnant farm animals, snatching their placentas, and rolling in them.
August 14, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "You Liars. You Bulimic Liars.
Everyone in the world has an eating disorder except for Courtney Love. Or is that Janice from the Muppets, naked? (Celebitchy) Jessica Alba plays blind. Blind and nipply. (Yeeeah!)
Jenna Jameson done got her face fucked screwy. (Egotastic)
Charlize Theron ponies up some major cleavage for the movie Hancock. And now you will put your han on your cock. (Daily Stab)
Hayden Panettiere wears shorts so short, they may as well be panties. Pantierres? Pantyerres? (Drunken Stepfather)
Amy Winehouse finally says "Sure, sure, sure" to rehab. Sellout. (Hollywood Grind)
Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. Really. That's not an obtuse metaphor. Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. (The Blemish)
Posh Spice's blog is SO MAJOR! (Allie Is Wired)
Hey, Diane Kruger, that water looks awful cold. (Taxi Driver)
Angelina Jolie's getting an itchy adoption finger again. Watch out, Africa, she's comin' to gitcha. (Celeb Warship)
August 08, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: All Upskirts and Boobs Edition
Robert Rodriguez is awfully proud of dating Rose McGowan's nipples. (Hollywood Tuna) Still puttin' the "ghey" in "McConaughey", Matty M is laying some serious pipe in those Old Navy cargo shorts. (Allie Is Wired)
Charlize Theron ain't gonna let a little thing like her beans get in the way of donning a bikini. (The Blemish)
Gwen Stefani is afraid that her son is going to bite her tits clean off. (FemaleFirst)
Britney sideswiped some dude's car, and then popped a squat to survey the damage. But the real damage is her to'-up upskirt view. Ooooh, high five, girlfriends! So bitchy! (Drunken Stepfather)
If that ain't enough for you, here's some Britney pantaloons. (Cityrag)
The beautiful Lauryn Hill is bringing Skidz back, at long last! (Socialite's Life)
Denise Richards and Chuckles Sheen: still in hate. Story now with 100% more semen. (Celebitchy)
Mischa Barton (remember her?) dyes hair; eats food. (Celeb Warship)
Eva Herzigova shows what's Herzigunda her dress. (Taxi Driver)
March 14, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Welcome to the World, Liam Aaron McDermott
Donna Martin procreates! Donna Martin procreates! Leonardo DiCaprio's bodyguards were arrested for roughing up the locals in Jerusalem. Hahaha. Leonardo DiCaprio has bodyguards. Plural.
Charlize Theron, a bikini, a baby, and puppies. Which of these things is the adorablest?
Don't you dare keep Woody Harrelson from taking his wine to go, or you might find your teeth embedded in your larynx.
Don't you dare block Lindsay Lohan's way, or you might find yourself with Pirelli tracks on your dome.
Mischa Barton? Mischa Barfon.
Sienna Miller topless pictures from a few weeks ago: new, improved, high quality, more. The best part? She's not donning her typical crapwear!
Diva baby? Child actors gone wild? Can't control the Sprouse twins on the set of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody? Call SHILOH!
February 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Freakishly Huge Testicles
Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T. Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.
Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.
Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.
Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.
Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.
Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.
Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.
Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!
Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."
January 18, 2007
Hot Legs, Charlize is Wearin' Me Out
A flame-painted PT Cruiser pulls up to the curb. The door opens. Out pops four pump-shod women, one of whom has just been given the trampy makeover of her life by the other three. They wreak havoc on the denizens of a diner as three men--two bearded and one just named "Beard"--apparate, chuckling and throwing gold-plated keychains around. The made over woman is Charlize Theron. She's got legs. And she knows how to use them. more »
March 01, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Zaid I Want to Fugh Her."
Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.
Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?
The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.
Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.
A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!
Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.
Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.
Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.
Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?
The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.
Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.
A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!
Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.
Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.
Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.
February 28, 2006
Parize Theron
Paris Hilton shows about as much range in her "acting" as a limp hot dog (although such foodstuffs might actually inspire a bit of erotic excitement in Ms. Hilton), yet she thinks that she'll soon be competing for the same roles as Oscar winner Charlize Theron. Hey, if Cuba Gooding Jr. can win one of those things, it might not be that difficult. more »
February 21, 2006
The Look of Lesbo Love Is in Your Eyes
The men, they love the lesbians. Something about the intertwining of soft lips and silky skin and the promise of swelling breast flesh gently touching swelling breast flesh really excites the ol' weenis. However, the reality of true-life lesbians doesn't usually live up to the male fantasy. But reality and fantasy are about to collide in the most prostate-tingling of ways when Kate Moss and Charlize Theron (fantasy) bump gorditas in a film adaptation of deceased lesbo Dusty Springfield (reality). Hoorah for movie magic. more »
February 01, 2006
Ask Men's Masturbation Cheat Sheet
Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak. more »
September 27, 2005
BREAKING NUDES: Chicago International Film Festival Lineup Announced
We Chicagoans like to complain a lot. Our sports teams suck, winter lasts about nine months, and the wind is constantly messing up our hair. But at last we have something that the rest of you dont: The first (and possibly only) U.S. screening of the highly anticipated and probably boob-filled film Havoc will happen at the 41st Chicago International Film Festival. Suck on that, Cleveland. more »
September 22, 2005
Charlize Theron Gets a Piece of Ass
We know that youve spent many restless nights thinking about Charlize Theron getting on her knees and kissing the ass of a fellow actress. But were guessing that in those fantasies the other actress was never, not once, Shirley MacLaine. more »
January 31, 2005
Theron Torso Treat for Your Case of the Mondays
It's Monday, and you're most likely returning to the cheerless walls of your cubicle, the last vestiges of your weekend hangover still stubbornly clinging to your brain. You turn on your computer, take a huge chug of your $5.49 mocha crappalatte, and contemplate returning home and stuffing your head in the oven all Sylvia Plath style. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is Charlize Theron, and you can see her boob! more »
January 11, 2005
Touchin' Theron Tit with Kyra and Kevin
Brad and Jen could've learned a thing or two about keeping the fire alive from Hollywood's most adorable couple, Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon, who've been bonding over the magic that is Charlize Theron's boob. more »
December 08, 2004
And You Thought Your Job Was Shitty
Taking the whole "personal assistant" thing to the next level, Charlize Theron now employs a personal pooper-scooper for her four dogs. I'd love to see that lucky person's business card. more »
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