filed under: celebs in rehab
August 29, 2008
David Duchovny Has Too Much Sex

So maybe you've heard:
Fox Mulder likes to fuck. Like, a lot. And apparently this is a bad thing that he has to go away to cure. Where exactly is the too much fucking line drawn? If you'd rather schtup than eat pie, is that a problem? What if you've been wearing the same pair of Fruit of the Looms for eight days straight and while you're throwing together a load of laundry you yell, "I can't do this! I've gotta stick my wiener in something"? David Duchovny has completed a highly successful movie and TV series in the past year or so, so he obviously takes time out of his humping schedule to get some work done. We're confused. Maybe
People can explain:
David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation center for sex addiction, his lawyer, Stanton "Larry" Stein, tells PEOPLE exclusively.
"I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction," the actor says in an exclusive statement. "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."
Duchovny, 48, has been married to actress Téa Leoni since 1997. They have two children, daughter Madelaine West, 9, and son Kyd, 6.
At first we thought that this might be a ploy to promote the upcoming season of
Californication. Hank Moody does like the porking. Fornication is even in the title. But as the season premiere is still about a month off, the timing just doesn't seem quite right. So we're just stumped. Too much sex. Huh. Wonder what that's like.
May 30, 2008
Steven Tyler Can't Walk This Way Very Well

Trendwatch: rehab is still hot, so long as you're not there for substance abuse. Hot on the heels of
Eva Mendes checking in for role research and
Kirsten Dunst going away for depression, we finally get wind of the reasons
Steven Tyler headed to 'hab. From
TMZ (again):
Rocker Steven Tyler just issued a statement to TMZ about his recent stint in rehab. He claims his "trademark athletic performances" injured his feet, requiring surgery and causing him a bunch of pain. Guess it was hard on the knees!
Tyler tells TMZ "The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time. The 'foot repair' pain was intense, greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, AEROSMITH has no plans to stop rocking. There's a new album to record, then another tour."
A dude notorious for drug ingestion checking into rehab for a hurty foot. Dunno, dudes. We're not buying it. Now
scarf burn, on the other hand . . . that would be a different story.
None of today's stories were particularly sexy (except for the Clay Aiken one, which was positively erotic) so here's Adriana Lima in
Elle mag.

May 28, 2008
Cirque Lodge: The New Hotspot for Celebs Who Aren't Addicted to Anything!

Hollywood Trend Alert! Just going to rehab is so 2007. The new thing is to check yourself into Cirque Lodge with little to no explanation, then leave quietly and go about your life, and a couple of months later casually tell a reporter, "Oh, I'm not an addict. No, no, no. I was
researching a role/I was just really, really sad." And it sure is a good thing that
Kirsten Dunst has jumped on
Eva Mendes's bandwagon (
again), because it easily explains away all those times Kiki is spied sipping on the hooch. Booze cures depression! It's like medicine!
E! reports:
“I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse,” Dunst tells me exclusively during a lunch break on All Good Things. “I went there for depression.”
The 26-year-old Hollywood veteran makes a point of explaining that while she consulted doctors along with family and friends about treatment, it was ultimately her decision to make.
“It was a good six months before I decided to go away,” Dunst says. “I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”
You know, that kind of makes sense. If we were depressed, we think that seeing a roomful of
Lindsay Lohan's contemporaries would snap us right out of it and have us feeling pretty damn good about ourself.
Oh, and in case you were wondering:
“I am not,” she says with a laugh, “dating Ryan Gosling!”
That's right, Keek. Fucking isn't dating. Touché! We gossips should learn how to better choose our words.
more »
May 23, 2008
Eva Mendes Addicted To Acting, Not Booze

Movie stars have all the luck. If they get caught doing something illegal or embarrassing, they can just say they're researching a movie role. But when you get caught sticking your wang into the glory hole in the Rt. 9 rest stop bathroom (again), you can't very well claim that it was research for your next job as a bagger at Piggly Wiggly. But when
Eva Mendes goes to rehab, she's not all jacked up on the hooch, she's doing it for her
craft. Reports
WENN:
Eva Mendes may have checked herself into rehab in January to prepare for a new movie, in which she plays a Spanish drug lord. The 30-year-old actress entered Utah's Cirque Lodge to "proactively" attend "to some personal issues", her representative explained at the time. The move shocked Hollywood, until Mendes landed a role alongside Josh Hartnett and Sir Ben Kingsley in Queen of the South, which follows her character Teresa Mendoza, who flees Mexico for Spain when her drug-runner boyfriend is murdered. Gossips are speculating she may have been researching the role in rehab - a theory backed by leading acting coach John Kirby. He tells Star magazine, "It's not unusual at all for an actor or actress to go to the extreme of checking into rehab to prepare for a character. In fact, I would encourage that for my students, because you want to fully immerse yourself in the role."
We've got to admit, at least Eva's on the right track here by actually following up the claim of research with a movie role. What killed
Winona Ryder's credibility was never actually stealing shit on camera after her big
designer heist. So kudos to Eva for having follow-through.
more »
May 22, 2008
Dude Looks Like a Druggie?

And here's our third story on the biggest stars of the late 1980s and early 1990s. Aerosmith's rubbery, bescarved frontman,
Steven Tyler, is in rehab. Again. Our gossip NA sponsor,
Female First, writes:
Steven Tyler has checked into rehab.
The Aerosmith frontman - who claims to have been sober for 20 years since cleaning up his act in rehab in the mid-80s - is being treated at Las Encinas Hospital's drug rehabilitation clinic in Pasadena, California, for "substance abuse".
Steven, 60, previously credited his film star daughter Liv, 30, and his Aerosmith bandmates for helping him recover from his previous alcohol and drug addictions.
He previously said: "Four rehabilitation centres for drug abuse later, I've been able to take a long, hard look at my behaviour."
He is currently dating Erin Brady - who has a penchant for the rock 'n' roll lifestyle and was once thrown out of a casino hotel for brawling.
The clinic at Las Encinas Hospital has been made famous by hit TV show 'Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew'.
We did a little sleuthing around to try to find out what substance, specifically, Mr. Tyler was having problems with. We questioned friends, family, and crew, we used bugs and hidden cameras, and we staked out the rehab facility. But actually, the one thing that truly tipped us off and unlocked the secrets of Steven Tyler's addiction was his own lyrics. Specifically, the lyrics for the haunting dirge "Pink". Allow us, if you will, to share these disturbing couplets with you. Prepare to enter the mind of a tortured poet.
Pink – it’s my new obsession.
Pink – it’s not even a quession.
Pink as the bing on your cherry.
Pink – ‘cause you are so very
‘Cause pink is the new kinda lingo.
Pink, like a deco umbrella: (Yeah)
I want to be your lover.
I – I wanna wrap you in rubber.
As pink as the sheets that we lay on
‘Cause pink is my favorite Crayon.
Yeah, pink when I turn out the light!
Ah, yeah, pink – it’s like red, but not quite.
Only a high person would sing such evil.
March 26, 2008
Amy Winehouse's Cape Town Clean Up

If watching the New Year's Day marathon of
Intervention on A&E has taught us anything about drug addicts, it's this: gay guys really love meth. Especially when they were raised Mormon. But aside from that, it's taught us that sometimes it takes more than one or two or three stabs at rehab before it sticks. Here's hoping that's the case with be-beehived, lesion-faced chanteuse
Amy Winehouse, who is apparently headed back to recovery. According to
CelebWarship, a source close to Winehouse says:
“Amy has admitted she needs to check into rehab again. There are too many temptations for her in the UK, people around her in London are making it impossible for her to stay clean for any length of time. Her management had considered flying her to a clinic in Israel but are now looking further afield. They are assessing a clinic in Cape Town in South Africa.”
As for the scabs covering her body, Amy’s rep claimed she suffered from a bacterial infection called impetigo, however, that might not be the full truth.
Doctor Carol Cooper said: “The damage is quite severe, but not unusual with crack cocaine abuse. She’s got a number of sores, some of which look infected, and others that have formed ulcers.”
Hey, man, it took Lohan three tries. It took Robert Downey Jr. about forty. It's just funny that Amy's people think that Israel's not far away enough. Perhaps they should look into a research facility at the bottom of the Coral Sea. Or one on Melmac. Or how about at the Los Angeles Celebrity Scientology Center? We hear that nice Tom Cruise has
personally helped people off drugs. Because
he knows.
He knows.
February 07, 2008
Kirsten Dunst Fills Eva Mendes-Shaped Void at Cirque Lodge

Today on an all-new episode of
Celebrity Rehab Swap,
Kirsten Dunst and
Eva Mendes will switch places, with Kirsten taking up Eva's abandoned bed at Cirque Lodge, trying to rid her system of intoxicating substances while challenging her fellow 'habbers to
farting contests, and Eva trying to make it on the outside, avoiding tequila shots while crying about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon and constantly readjusting her bra-free tits. It's sure to be a hit!
Life & Style dishes on Eva:
Eva Mendes is out of rehab and back in Los Angeles, Life and Style can confirm.
The 33-year-old actress left Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab clinic on Feb 6 and boarded a flight to Los Angeles shortly after 9pm (pst) after spending a number of weeks in rehab.
At the time her spokesman said: "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much needed time off to attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support."
And that empty bed may just be full o' Kirsten keister, says
FemaleFirst:
Kirsten Dunst is in rehab.
The 'Spider-Man' actress - whose partying lifestyle has lead to her being nicknamed 'Kirsten Drunkst' by gossip bloggers - has reportedly checked into Utah's Cirque Lodge facility to receive help for an unknown problem.
A source inside the facility told America's Star magazine: "She desperately needed help. She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.
"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."
Kirsten's self-committal comes after she behaved erratically at Utah's Sundance Film Festival.
A source said: "Kirsten is on the verge of a breakdown. She came late, left early and acted erratic at all the Sundance events."
Kirsten's spokesperson denied she acted strangely at the festival saying: "Kirsten is fine."
The 25-year-old actress is a keen supporter of the campaign to get marijuana legalised in the US.
She said: "I drink moderately, I've tried drugs. I do like weed. I have a different outlook on marijuana than America does.
"I've never been a major smoker, but I think America's view on weed is ridiculous. I mean - are you kidding me? If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place."
Yeah, we're pretty sure Amy Winehouse has said the same thing about crack, but we're not about to listen to her advice.
February 04, 2008
Eva Mendes Is Addicted to Something

Some stars have very public implosions (complete with pubic explosions), horfing two foot long rails before jumping into an Escalade to drive it on an off-ramp at a high rate of speed with a baby strapped to the ski rack. And others quietly slip into rehab like Houdini or something. And
Eva Mendes is one of 'em!
TMZ scoops the poop:
We're told the "Ghost Rider" star is at the famous Cirque Lodge, near Sundance. The Lodge, which treated Lindsay Lohan and other stars, is one of the most respected treatment facilities in the country. Eva has been at Cirque for several weeks.
Her rep tells TMZ "Eva has been working hard for the past year and made a positive decision to take some much-needed time off to proactively attend to some personal issues that, while not critical, she felt deserved some outside professional support. Out of respect for Eva's privacy, we do not wish to discuss further details."
Eva doesn't really strike us as much of a party girl. We can't picture her behind the DJ booth, a jug tumbling out of her top next to Steve Aoki, nor do we envision her staying up all night in a hotel room in New Mexico with Tom Sizemore. So what is she addicted to? Pinkberry? Clarins Bronzer?
Law & Order marathons on TNT?
Scrabulous? We hear Eva is pretty ruthless when it comes to sniping triple word scores. Once she even put down "OS" for a mere six points, just to block the space, after a thirteen-hour all night game bender, ingesting nothing but frosting out of a can and Paris Hilton brand champagne. "Eva, don't do this to yourself. You have too much talent. Please get help," a friend pleaded on her SuperWall, while another attempted to distract her by lobbing sheep and high fiiiiiiiving her repeatedly.
more »
January 30, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "Stinkin'. S-T-I-N-K-I-N."

•
Uma Uma Uma mow mow ma ma Uma mow mow. In a bikini. (Though, going by the cast on her arm, these may be old, mow mow) (
Hollywood Tuna)
•
Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (
Taxi Driver)
•
Kate Hudson says that
Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (
IMDb)
•
J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the
costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (
Daily Stab)
•
Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (
Celeb Parasite)
• In the midst of a family intervention,
Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (
GlossLip)
•
Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (
Holy Taco)
January 25, 2008
Amy Winehouse Trying to Be Amy Cleanhouse

We've covered drunken upskirt lady biz and fetuses, now for the third element in our daily Hollywood triumvirate: drugs.
Amy Winehouse is in rehab, for real this time. Swear. A statement from Universal, her record label, reads:
"Amy Winehouse's planned appearance at the NRJ Awards in France on Saturday has been cancelled as the artist has entered a rehabilitation clinic. Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors. She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction and prepare for her planned appearance at the Grammy Awards. Amy entered the facility by mutual agreement and continues to receive the full support of all concerned."
Good show, Wino, old girl. Good show, indeed. However, now you're going to have to change the words to your infamous song. May we suggest "They tried to make me tame my beehive, I said 'fro, 'fro, 'fro?" No? How about "They fried and baked me dungeness crab, I said mo'! Mo'! Mo'!"? No? C'mon! C'mooonnnn. Fine, we'll just take our superior jingle-making skills on over to the Red Lobster down on Route 19. We'll sell that last one to their ad geniuses and then turn that place into a hit factory! The Brill Building never had a Seaside Shrimp Trio and delicious cheesy biscuits, baby.
October 18, 2007
Lohan: Stolen Innocence, Stolen Boyfriend

When will stars of stage and screen learn? Wearing anything that isn't barnacle-clingy means that you are definitely pregnant, and wearing any sort of jewelry on or even near your left hand ring finger equals engagement. Professional substance-ingester/sometime thespian
Lindsay Lohan is allegedly betrothed to snowboarder Rilo Kiley or whatever his name is.
IMDb claims:
"Lindsay Lohan has sparked rumors her romance with snowboarder Riley Giles is deadly serious after stepping out with a subtle ring on her wedding finger. Lohan sported the sparkler as she hit the Hollywood party scene on Tuesday night in an all-black mini-dress and beret combo."
And here's the first sighting of Lindsay's new, uh, fiance in something other than a Wu Tang shirt:

It's nice to see that Riley and Lindsay have something in common in addition to a love of abuse of illegal substances. Because similar interests really are the glue that holds relationships together. Fine dining, Victorian literature, hot air balloon racing, falconry, standing hollow-eyed in front of a police photographer after you've been busted glugging 60 ounces of rum and getting behind the wheel of a Escalade . . . these are just a few of the things that make two young, yearning hearts join and beat as one.
After the cut, and in-depth comparison of Lindsay's vagina and a dirty stairwell. Which is more cavernous and filled with social diseases? Only one can emerge the victor!
more »
October 15, 2007
Lindsay Lohan Snorted Her Roth IRA

Between the Chanel and the nose candy, it's no wonder
Lindsay Lohan is allegedly broke. Sources say that the only reason she's presently headed back to Hollywood to film some tango movie is because she needs quick cash. Because
Dina's highlights-and-Alli habit is probably pretty expensive. A snitch told
News of the World that:
"Lindsay doesn't have much choice as she is totally broke. The only reason she's coming back to Los Angeles is to try and get some film work and earn some money fast. The amount she has wasted putting cocaine up her nose is disgusting. Even she has lost count."
It's rather odd to imply that Lindsay Lohan would even keep track of her drug spendings in the first place. We can't really picture her whipping out her checkbook and a calculator at Hyde after buying a bag of blow. "Hm . . . subtract $250 . . . carry the one . . . da da da . . . well! It certainly looks like someone will be calling her financial advisor in the morning, ho ho! We'd previously allotted $38K to my yearly cocaine fund, but it appears that we're in the red." At any rate, Lohan may be broke when it comes to cash flow, but she's rich in other ways. Rich in cleavage, that is. When it comes to gigantic breasts the size of jumbo loaves of garlic bread, Lohan is wealthy in ways none of us could ever imagine. She's like the CEO of the bank of hard nips. Member FDIC.
more »
Samaire Armstrong Secretly Ails
OC/
Entourage/
Dirty Sexy Money chippie
Samaire Armstrong has entered rehab. Or therapy. Or a clinic. Or something. But she definitely has some sort of problem, and is seeking a type of help to maybe deal with said problem. Maybe? Her publicist made a statement to
People.com, apropos of nothing:
"Samaire Armstrong decided to enter an outpatient facility to deal with some personal issues in a therapeutic atmosphere and is doing very well. She continues to work on her show and will be completing her treatment in a matter of weeks."
Is this the publicist's version of laughing to yourself, then, when someone asks, "What's so funny?", saying, "Oh, ha ha ha. Nothing. It's just . . . oh, nevermind! I shouldn't say anything. No, really. Forget I said a word, tee hee hee"? Using our own superior logic skills, we can take the "outpatient" and "matter of weeks" to assume that Samaire isn't suffering from severe cocaine addiction--
Lohan's taught us that it takes at least 2 months to treat it. Similarly, she's not dealing with exhaustion, as that takes 24 hours in a hospital and a cancellation of obligations and responsibilities. And it's obvious that she's not a crack-smoking alcoholic with a heroin habit on the side, since
Winehouse is successfully dealing with that by scratching her husband's face off and eating a lot of fast food.
more »
October 11, 2007
Lohan Romances a New Sort of Snow-Lover
Lindsay Lohan is movin' on up. To the northwest side. To a dee-luxe cabin in Utah. She's finally got a sober piece of the Mormon pie-ie-ie-ie.
NYDN wrote:
The Utah mountain air certainly agrees with Lindsay Lohan. Fresh out of rehab, she told friends Tuesday she wants to move to the Beehive State permanently.
The reason, she says, is to be with her new boyfriend, Riley Giles, a 25-year-old snowboarder from California.
Lindsay will be receiving outpatient care near the Cirque Lodge rehab facility at least through the end of the week.
Well, if there is one state in America that's the best influence on a recovering addict and indiscriminate trollop, it's probably Utah. Then again, if
Big Love has taught us anything, it's the Utah dwellers are total sex maniacs. Whoops. Oh, and here's
a picture of the guy who's tamed the Firecrotch. Nice "DEATH" tattoo, hardass. We have to wonder if they met when Lindsay held her
"BREATHE" tattoo up and said, "Look. It's fate." And then he said, "Yeahhhh. Your ink is all about, like, living. And mine's about . . death, man." And then Lindsay said, "They even rhyme." Get it? Because she's retarded.
more »
October 10, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Keifer in the Klink

•
Brittany Murphy's husband is Artie Lange??? (
Bricks and Stones)
•
Lindsay says that rehab was a "sobering experience". You don't say. (
IDLYITW)
•
Tara Reid in
FHM looking . . . good? Oh, look, a flying pig. (
Hollywood Tuna)
•
Charlize Theron is
Esquire's Sexiest woman. Which is a nicer honor than being
Esquire's Stinkiest Belly Button. Yeah, we're still bitter,
Esquire. Screw you jerks. (
Egotastic!)
•
Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'.
Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (
Derek Hail)
•
Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail. God, he is always trying to ape Paris's steez, man. Always. (
The Blemish)
• Man of God proves that
Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . .
Gayken! (
Celebitchy)
• Everybody on earth knows that
J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (
CelebWarship)
October 08, 2007
Lindsay Lohan Leaves Rehab, Does Not Proceed Directly to Hyde
Lindsay Lohan has officially been released from rehab. And the folks at Cirque Lodge were so fond of the drug ditcher that they sent her home with a parting gift: Sonny Bono's son. On the Lindsay-being-cured front, IMDB reports:
Actress Lindsay Lohan has checked out of rehab in Utah after two months of treatment. The Mean Girls star checked into the Cirque Lodge facility in early August to seek counseling following two drink-driving charges earlier this year. Lohan's third stint in rehab, following previous visits to Los Angeles clinics Wonderland and Promises, came to an end on Friday. Lohan's mother tells website People.com, "I'm proud of her. She's moving ahead with her life. Things were getting out of control. She took action. She took responsibility. She really needed to heal."
And as for LiLo's most recent commingling of genitals with the nearly famous,
The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Lindsay Lohan has fallen for late hippie icon Sonny Bono's son Chesare, according to reports.
After reportedly helping to break up rocker Tony Allen's marriage to British heiress Stephanie Allen, the star has now found love again in rehab.
And this time, the object of her affection is Bono's teen son.
Chesare, 19, checked into the same Utah rehab facility as Lohan to battle a painkiller addiction this summer and friends claim the two have become an item.
A source tells the Globe, "Chez is telling pals that he and Lindsay have fallen for each other big time.
"They plan on moving in with one another just as soon as they get out of rehab. He is telling people they spend every moment they can together and lean on each other for comfort."
But the source suggests the romance might not be great news for Chesare's mother, Republican congresswoman Mary Bono.
The insider tells the publication, "I would think she would be troubled by Chez getting seriously involved with Lindsay right now."
We're in an optimistic mood this morning, so we're hoping that Lindsay's release means that Cirque has replaced Lindsay's appetites for coke and Hyde with healthier appetites for oatmeal cookies and family game night. Also, we hope that Chesthair is a very nice and sensible young fellow and that he and Lindsay will be very happy together. God, look at what concern for Lindsay's well being has done to us. We've gone soft. We're a fucking pussy. We should be punched in the testicles. We'll go take care of that now.
October 04, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Spears n' Jeers

•
Brit can visit her kids; might be headed back to rehab. In related news,
Kevin Federline showed up to court wearing an eyepatch. Because he's a responsible p-arrrrrrrrrrr-ent. (
GlossLip)
• George Takei now has his own asteroid. His own tight, firm, assteroid. (
IMDb)
•
Anakin Skywalker still throwing it into
Rachel Bilson. But more importantly, does his hat say "
RAPE"? (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
J. Lo gutwatch '07 continues. People, we have expansion. (
Allie Is Wired)
• Speaking of ab-related embiggening,
Eva Mendes blames hers on rotini and brownies. (
Daily Stab)
•
Jennifer Aniston sells magazines. At a stand on the corner of 5th and Walnut, because her career is in the john. Naw, just jerkin' your bird. (
The Blemish)
• See the general area from whence Harvey, Junior, and Princess Tiaamii issued:
Katie Price upskirt! (
Taxi Driver)
•
Angelina Jolie just the way we like her: with satin grazing her vagina. (
Derek Hail)
• Hanson brother has pulmonary embolism. MMMMMclot! (
TMZ)
October 03, 2007
Happy Early Lohanween

Every Halloween, The Great Pumpkin rises out of the most sincere pumpkin patch and flies through the air, bringing toys to all the good children of the world. This particular patch seems fairly sincere, fairly humble, and
Lindsay has spent the last two months being a very good little girl, indeed. If The Great Pumpkin is as benevolent as the legend promises, she'll cut open that pumpkin and find a shiny new coke spoon, a sixer of autumn wheat beer, and twenty large-donged dudes ready to service her.
more »
October 02, 2007
Lindsay Livens Up Rehab

It's been a long two months with
Lohan tucked away in rehab. Luckily, we've had
Britney to shovel meth-tinged scoops of skanky concrete in the trainwreck-hole inside our souls. But hold up, could Lindsay possibly not be making the promised strides in rehab? Instead of enjoying sober fun with her fellow addicts, playing Old Maid and seeing how many Saltines they can stuff in their mouths and still whistle, could Lindsay possibly still be getting faced on booze and powders? According to
Star, yes:
An insider says she tested positive for cocaine! “She admitted that it wasn’t the first time she had done it while at Cirque,” an insider reveals. “No one can figure out who’s slipping it to her.”
Another source… claims Lindsay “gets a buzz” by combining the diet pill Fastin with the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. “I’ll think she’ll take whatever pills they allow her,” says the source. “It’s obvious to me she’s high, because she acts loopy and can’t seem to walk in a straight line!”
“She had a friend of hers sneak vodka in an Aquafina bottle into one of the AA meetings she goes to,” the insider says. “She smells like booze, and the staff does nothing about it. When they’re not around, she tells people she’ll drink as much as she damn well pleases.”
When asked about the alleged drug use, Lindsay's silvertongued publicist, our idol,
Leslie Sloane Zelnick, said in her inimitable way:
“This story is the result of haters and people not wanting Lindsay to succeed.”
Sloane Zelnick then said, "You don't even know me, man! Y'all don't know me! Y'all haters! Jealous-ass h8rs, dog. Let the haters hate and the players play, knowwhatimsayin? WORD," flashed her grille in a sneer, and gave us all the finger.
more »
October 01, 2007
Michael Lohan to Cure Lindsay--or at Least Report Her Every Move to the Daily News

Celebrity rehabs don't seem like the most effective places. But maybe the one treating
Lindsay Lohan has stumbled on a winning idea: if they can't cure you in two months, they'll lock you away in the middle of nowhere for a couple of days with the person who caused all your dependency issues in the first place. A grand idea. It's sure to be a success. IMDB reports:
Lindsay Lohan will be spending five days of "quality time" with her father Michael next week - in a secret location away from her Utah rehabilitation clinic, according to reports. The Just My Luck actress, 21, checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah in early August to seek counseling following two drunk driving charges earlier this year. Her mother Dina Lohan recently insisted the star's third stint in rehab will not be coming to an end any time soon, despite reports to the contrary, and now ex-convict Michael says he will be whisking Lindsay away as part of the rehab center's out-patient therapy program. He tells the New York Daily News, "I'm looking forward to spending the next week with her. We've been in constant phone contact. She's in a great, great place now. I've never heard her so honest, contrite and focused. Lindsay is weeding out all the bad. She's taking a step back and reevaluating her life. What she tells - her honesty and openness - has brought me to tears. It's beyond words how proud I am of her." And Michael - who has become an ordained minister since being released from jail in March - hopes his visit will encourage Lindsay to kick her drug and alcohol addictions completely, because of his own experiences with illegal substances. A source says, "They believe Michael's the best person for Lindsay to be with now. Not only is he her dad - someone with her best interests at heart - but he's also someone who successfully turned his own life around after battling substance abuse."
We're not saying that Michael Lohan is a bad person--we've never seen him handing out crack lollipops at a pre-school or anything--but do you think that maybe he's not the best person to babysit Lindsay straight out of rehab, seeing as he seems to be the root of her fucked-up-ness? That's kind of like saying to a young Johnny Depp, "You're having bad dreams? Why don't you go spend a week in the wilderness with this nice man in the striped sweater. Don't be afraid of his knife fingers; they're harmless."
September 25, 2007
Welcome Back, Lohan, We've Missed You So

Like an injured peregrine falcon nursed back to health,
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly set to be released back into the wild this weekend. And like that majestic bird, Lohan must learn to spread her wings and fly into the cold, cold brume. She may fall, she may encounter obstacles such as bobcats, inclement weather, and really tasty bottles of bourbon, but by God, she will prevail! Peregrine falcons drink Knob Creek, right? Right. Anyway the
NYDN says:
Lindsay Lohan is about to be a free woman. A pal of the recovering actress tells us she is set to leave rehab this weekend. Asked where she was headed on her release, the pal responded, “I don’t think she knows yet.”
Sounds like a plan. Lord knows that when you release rehabilitated, indiscriminate drug addicts from a manditory, court-ordered two month stay in a treatment facility, the best thing to do is turn them loose with no real solid goals. "So, Cracky Jones, after you robbed the retirement community and defiled its female population with their own walkers and as a result were sent to rehab, what do you think you'll do when you get out?" "Eh. Whatever." "Excellent!" Way to earn that $10,000 a week, Cirque Lodge! Lindsay might not know where she's sleeping when she leaves, but by god, she'll know how to muck a horse stable!
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September 24, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: What's Red, White, and Screwed All Over?

•
Nicole Richie in a bikini. Now with more boobs and fetus; less jutting latissimus dorsi. (
Egotastic!)
• Drummer gets pounded: Meg White sex tape? We say not her, but here's a challenge: if someone can find and send us a picture of Meg wearing the "D" necklace featured in the hump flick, we will believe. (
Derek Hail)
•
George Clooney suffering from road rash. "Road rash" to become the new "exhaustion". (
A Socialite's Life)
•
Salma Hayek laid her hot bod down, spread her sexy thighs wide, and . . . pooped out a squalling baby. Mazel tov! (
Yeeeah!)
• So now
Marcia didn't finger Jan? What a rip! (
Dlisted)
• Here are things
Lindsay Lohan has destroyed: countless bottles of Grey Goose, cars, her own career, and now, some dude's marriage. (
IMDb)
September 18, 2007
Might As Well Face It, Lindsay's Addicted to Love

Weep not for the fate of
Lindsay Lohan, tenderhearted readers. According to her father, she's jim dandy, so long as she's got a pair of pruning shears in one hand and a shovel laden with fresh steaming horse turds in the other. Michael Lohan squealed to
News of the World:
"Lindsay laughed with excitement as she told me how she spends her days. She spends hours writing songs about what she has been through. And she helps look after the horses. Every day she helps muck them out, feed them and ride them. She has taken up gardening and loved showing me the roses she helps look after."
But a Cirque Lodge insider thinks that our beleaguered
firecrotch is still wrestling with a demon or two, and tells
Star:
"She's been having erotic dreams about her former lovers, like Calum Best, Wilmer Valderrama, and Jared Leto. Her counsellors are trying to get her to understand that she's substituting one addiction for another . . . Besides the obvious dangers of STDs, having indiscriminate sex can lead to emotional heartbreak, and that can lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If she doesn't come to grips with this, Lindsay is going to find herself back in rehab--sex addiction."
Having sexual fantasies about a balding Englishman, the frontman of 30 Seconds to Mars, and Fez from
That '70s Show certainly does sound like an incredibly serious problem worthy of all sorts of concern. But hey, she was able to replace that pesky coke and booze addiction with weeding and equine care, so taking up lanyard-braiding or falconry should cure that yen for Leto wiener post haste.
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August 30, 2007
Lindsay Lohan in Sex, Drugs, and Rehab-Roll

Well, it's been a blissful few (nearly)
Lohanless weeks, but all freckle-free things must come to an end. Although safely tucked away in the heart of Mormonland, our intrepid trollop has found a way to indulge her favorite vices in rehab. According to a
Cirque Lodge source, she was busted doing drugs:
"Lindsay got called into the director's office on August 15 and was questioned about drugs. When ordered to take a drug test, she reluctantly complied but screamed and cursed at the medical director before storming out the room. She was told that if she couldn't conform to the program she'd have to leave."
Furthermore,
ShowbizSpy reports that she was caught en flagrante in the bathroom:
“Staff were alerted to the bathroom because there were strange noises coming from inside and two voices could be heard,” a source says. “When they opened the door, Lindsay was in a compromising position with the guy – who’s also at Cirque for drug rehab.”
“Rumors spread like wildfire across the place that they’d been having sex. When staff found them they were all flustered and Lindsay’s hair was all over the shop,” the source adds. “She was livid that she was given the miserable task of cleaning the bathrooms so the theory was she’d do something really dirty in there.”
Soooo, she was mad that she had to clean the bathroom, and as a logical response, she grabbed some random meth head and sat on his wiener atop the john. That's a mature and sensible reaction. We're going to adopt this approach for all aspects of our life. Like when we have to get our driver's license renewed, we're going to douse everyone in front of us in gasoline and set them alight because fuck waiting in lines, right? And when the landlord wants that rent check, we'll just club a baby seal and put its festering carcass in a box and mail it to him. Who likes paying rent? Nobody! And when Mom's birthday rolls around and she's all, "where's my present?" we'll just blow some rails and then get in someone's SUV and chase her through the Hollywood Hills. Yes indeedy, the Lohan way of life is a humble and spiritual path. Kind of like the Amish.
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August 24, 2007
New Trends in Celebrity Jail Time, Featuring Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie

So