filed under: celebs in court

Anne Heche is totally broke and can't pay child support! This is Celestia's fault, we just know it. That greedy little tramp probably ran off with Anne's credit cards and spent wads and wads of money on lesbian hookers. Or maybe she spent it all trying to fix her busted space ship so she could finally get home and live in peace with her own kind. Aw. Poor, lonely Celestia. She just wants a home. We'll never blame her for Anne's woes ever again. TMZ reports:

Anne Heche got a break from the judge in her custody war today after appearing in court, claiming she doesn't have a pot to pee in ... even less than her deader-beat ex-husband. An L.A. County Superior Court judge has suspended Heche's obligation to pay child support for July. Heche has been forking over $14,798 in monthly support.

In her declaration, Heche noted that her TV show, "Men In Trees," had gotten the ax. She says since January, "I have been unemployed and had no income....except for one very short term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000."

Heche says she has a grand total of $34,840.93 in her accounts. She claims she can't continue paying for Homer's private school tuition, her Canadian mortgage, L.A. rent, auto and other expenses. She says she's $364,000 in the hole.

BTW, Anne was spotted at the Malibu Beach Inn over the weekend. She blew $30 on appetizers, not including tip.

Oh my God, what a bitch. We can't believe Anne would spend $30 on appetizers--appetizers!--when her ex-husband Coley Laffoon (hehe) doesn't have enough child support left over from months and months of $14,798 checks to buy poor little Homer any Louis Vuitton socks for summer camp. He is going to get teased so badly. But mostly because his name's Homer Laffoon and his mom is a former lesbian with a secret alien identity begat by God. Kids don't give a shit what kind of socks you wear. more »

We haven't paid much attention to this whole Rob Lowe possible-forced-nanny-schtuping thing, mostly because A) it's not in any way the most scandalous thing to enter Rob Lowe's life, B) making jokes about sexual harassment is way sleazier than making up yet another word to describe Sienna Miller's boobs, and C) it doesn't involve anyone who has ever flashed her vagina in public, at least not that we're aware of. But when something becomes newsworthy enough to hit the Today show, boy, do we listen. Because we're 82. And bedridden. And have no friends. And love to know what's happening in our neck of the woods. People magazine (another beloved source of amusement for friendless, bedridden 82-year-olds) has the full rundown of the nanny's Today show interview, where she muttered a string of "um"s and "I don't know"s in between walls of silence. Most of the actual speechin' was handled by publicity-seeking pitbull lawyer Gloria Allred, who cut off the nanny every time she tried to utter more than three syllables. (And, yes, we are aware that the nanny has a name, but constantly referring to her as the nanny makes us think of Fran Drescher, and then we laugh.) What we're really interested in though is the following video of the appearance. This is a case involving sexual harassment. And Gloria Allred has her hand practically on top of her client's cooter throughout THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW. Perhaps Allred's new tactic is to employ as many visual aids as possible in order to win a case. First there was the whole nipple-piercing thing, now this. "Mr. Lowe touched my client here and here and here."

When we think of Shia TheBeef, one word pops into our head: BAD. As in, "Oooh, he so BAD!" We really can't believe that he's managed to stay out of jail for this long. He does things like of-age drinking! And Harrison Ford cajoled and threatened, but TheBeef told us the name of the new Indiana Jones movie anyway. He didn't care how many times he got a cane to the back or Poligrip slipped in his morning coffee. Because he's a rebel. We heard he even likes to pull kittens' tails. Also landing in his pro column is smoking on a public street. TMZ reports:

We've learned a warrant has been issued for the arrest of Shia LaBeouf.

LaBeouf received a ticket February 18 in Burbank for unlawful smoking, a misdemeanor. He was supposed to appear in court at 8:30 AM, but neither he nor a lawyer showed -- so a $1,000 bench warrant was issued for Shia's arrest.

Shia was allegedly smoking on the sidewalk outside a shop called Skyblupink, a gift shop, when cops cited him.

Oooh, smoking less than fifteen feet from the entrance of a retail store! That is so high up there on the list of societal taboos. TheBeef might as well shoot someone in the head in broad daylight now, cause he's pretty much fucked.

We're pretty sure that if we were lucky enough to make the leap from "educational sex manual" model to the wife of one of the richest musicians alive, our divorce proceedings would end when said musician offered us 83 bucks and a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni. We're cheap. But Heather Mills has let her divorce proceedings from Paul McCartney drag on for the better part of two years in the hopes of landing $250 mil. The AP gives the full scoop on how the Mucca muckety-muck went down:

Paul McCartney was ordered Monday to pay Heather Mills $48.6 million to settle their divorce.

A document released by the Family Court said the judge awarded Mills a lump sum of $33 million plus the assets she currently holds worth $15.6 million.

"I'm so, so happy with this," Mills told reporters following the closed hearing.

The court also ruled that the couple's 4-year-old daughter Beatrice should receive a "periodical payments order" of $70,000 per annum. On top of that, McCartney will pay for the child's nanny and school fees.

"I'm so glad it's over," Mills said at her impromptu news conference.

"It was an incredible result in the end to secure mine and my daughter's future and that of all the charities that I obviously plan on helping and making a difference with — because you know it has been my life for 20 years," she said.

McCartney left the court without making any statement.

While pleased with the financial settlement, Mills intends to appeal to prevent publication of the details of the settlement for the couple's daughter.

Some might say that she got screwed with the less than $50 million settlement, but we're of the camp that thinks that any number above, say, $5 million is pretty much the same. Heather's probably a little upset that she won't have enough scratch to cover every surface in her home in precious metals, but we're sure that Heather's friends won't even notice that the guest bathroom commode is only 14 karat gold plated instead of pure platinum, but those are the just the little sacrifices she's going to have to make.

Well, we got our wish. Yesterday we bitched and moaned about how boring Britney Spears had become and pleaded with her to do something interesting again. And quite frankly, we're pretty shocked that she reads CelebNewsWire and wants to please us so much (not as shocked as we are that she can read, period, though). But holding her kids hostage? A police standoff? Getting hauled off to the hospital in restraints and being put on suicide watch? That's a bit much, Brit. We were really only hoping for you to leave the house without your extensions or completely naked. We didn't want you to get the kids involved. Because that makes us sad. The whole thing is pretty sad, actually. Girl has problems and she needs help. And we still think back to pre-Fed Britney and want what's best for her. We hope that this is--finally--rock bottom and things will get better for her. We think that it's time for Brit's fellow celebrities to band together to lend their support. First there could be a "We Are the World" style benefit song in her honor, though we're not quite sure what it would actually benefit, as Brit can surely afford her own Zoloft and life coach. Then Julia Roberts could offer to have Brit move to her ranch in New Mexico for six months, where Jules could teach Brit the finer points of parenting, like how to properly stow a tot in a car seat, prepare nutritious meals out of things that once grew in the ground, cover electrical outlets, lock up knives and booze, and supply Sean P. with a more appropriate peek-a-boo device than the plastic Ralph's bag he loves to put over his head. Then some really, really smart person could invent a device that Brit could point at potential friends and semen suppliers that would tell her which ones were total asshats using her for money/fame/Howard K. Stern-style manipulative urges. We think that last one would be very helpful.

And in case you haven't already spent half of your working hours pouring over the minutia of the Brit Brit saga, check out Us Weekly's handy timeline, I Don't Like You in that Way's succinct wrap-up, or TMZ's exhaustive coverage. We're sure that details will be pouring in all day. The latest: Brit's not on drugs or booze. Which means that only her own fragile, completely f'ed up mind is to blame. That's really scary.

We know you've been hard at work the past three days planning out how to keep your New Year's resolutions. You've paid gym fees, bought protein powder, dug out your workout clothes from the back of the closet. But let's face it: nobody's gonna give a shit if you lose ten pounds. Why don't you instead make some resolutions for someone else and try to convince the universe to fulfill your wishes? Every night before bed you can pray to your Furby to give Britney Spears the common fucking sense to answer the phone when her lawyers call. Because a Furby definitely has more brain power than Britney and could probably get things done. We've never heard of a Furby being repeatedly dumped by their legal representation. TMZ reports:

The high-powered firm of Trope and Trope filed legal papers today asking to withdraw as Brit's hired guns in her custody dispute with K-Daddy.

In the legal papers, attorney Tara Scott from Trope and Trope wrote, "There has been a breakdown in communications between [Britney] and Trope and Trope making further representation of her interests impossible."

Sources tell TMZ the reason Trope and Trope withdrew is because Britney just didn't listen to her lawyers' advice, and her behavior was generally sinking her case.

Oh, and in case you thought Brit's only errand for the day was running to the Circle K to buy some pork rinds, she was supposed to be in court this morning, but she didn't show. Again. TMZ again:

TMZ has learned Britney Spears' deposition was scheduled today and she didn't show -- again!

If we're counting correctly, this is the fifth time her scheduled deposition in the custody case didn't happen. Last month, Britney claimed she was too ill to sit for her depo, yet TMZ caught her out partying that same night.

Sources say the fact that she didn't show for the depo was a factor in her lawyers' decision to file papers today asking to withdraw as counsel, but it was only one of many reasons. As one connected source put it, "Her whole life has become insane and it's impossible for anyone to get through to her."

We have now written pretty much the same goddamn story about twelve times here. There is no way left to make this funny. What happened to the Britney Spears who wanted to shock us, who was always trying new ways to get our attention? We miss that girl. Now she's like Michael Winslow in Police Academy 6: City Under Siege. Sure, up to, say, Citizens on Patrol Michael was feeling fresh, really getting into making the fake police-siren noises and horse-hooves-on-cobblestone noises, but by PA6 he was just showing up for the paycheck, not really putting his heart into it. God help us if Britney ever reaches the level of Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow.