CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
Hulk Hogan is fast becoming the new Papa Joe Simpson. Actually, scratch that. Hulk has surpassed Pops Simp. At least--and this is probably the first sort-of-nice thing we've ever said about him--Joe didn't ditch his wife to hook up with some young'un who looks just like Jessica. Fox News brings us a tale about Hulk keeping a close watch on Brooke in a bikini getting ogled by Maxim's cameras:
Hulk Hogan makes no secret of the fact that he's ultra-protective of his 20-year-old daughter, Brooke Hogan, but he took things one step further when he turned up to her sexy magazine shoot for men's magazine Maxim in April, a source told Pop Tarts.
The July issue features the blonde beauty with a "come hither" expression as she's poised on beachside rocks in a bikini top with her tight jeans undone.
An insider told Pop Tarts that Hulk's appearance was a surprise to those on the set, and that he came to supervise and ensure his baby girl didn't flash too much flesh. But judging by the super-sexy outcome, we don't know how pleased daddy will be.
But Brooke claims that's just how daddies show their love, along with massaging Coppertone into daughter dearest's plump, womanly butt cheeks. Of those now legendarily creepy pics, Brooke defends old pops by saying:
I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car. He used to change my diaper!
Ah, diapers! That's the key to this mystery. Hulk isn't a perv; he just has a fetish for rubbing slippery substances onto human butts. Johnson's baby oil for the infants, SPF 30 for the grown-ups. We just don't want to know how far that fetish can be pushed when the recipient didn't spring from his DNA.
If you like looking at Brooke as much as Hulk does, visit Maxim for more pics.
Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)
Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)
Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)
Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)
Why is Katherine Heigl wearing a magenta lamι bikini on the beach? Top five possibilities:
5. Grey's writers have an oddly festive way of tar and feathering
4. Her husband has a fetish for holiday edition Hershey's Kiss wrappers
3. Borrowed it from a HuggaBunch doll
2. Sparkly fabric deflects attention from near-constant bellyaching
1. Massive fire sale at American Apparel warehouse
Model Helena Christensen is perhaps best known for getting well-exfoliated by Chris Isaak in his "Wicked Game" video. These days, she doesn't do much modeling, but she does do Paul Banks from Interpol. The couple recently enjoyed a vacation in Miami, and some pictures of them sunbathing topless emerged, which presented a terrific opportunity to teach you kids about cause and effect. Pay attention!
Cause:
Aaaaaaand effect:
After the cut, enjoy some Helena boobs and you might just be wearing the same look of utter, nard-cupping contentment as ole Paul there.
Jessica Simpson gives herself a breast exam. "Are they still big? Yep. Yep. Still big." (Egotastic)
Hey, ladies. Hold on to your panties and your cocktails, because Kiefer Sutherland is single! (Derek Hail)
Tina Turner says that Beyoncι will never be rock n' roll. Oh yeah? Well guess what, Tina? You'll never be polka! Eat that! (Female First)
Shania Twain has learned an important lesson: don't marry a straw-haired producer of bombastic rock music and live in seclusion in Europe lest straw-haired producer runs off with the manager of your Swiss chateau. Oh, that's a story as old as the hills. When will they ever learn? (Hollywire)
Gossip Girl's Blake Lively cavorts on beach with Penn Badgley. And one of them is wearing a bikini, but we won't spoil it and tell you which! (F-Listed)
Lily Allen's rawest and pinkest bits continue their rampage across Earth. First she hauled out the chips, then came the matching fish. And Lily was absolutely delighted. According to SF Gate, she said,
"I didn't know they were on the front pages of newspapers! I thought I was a Page Three girl. It's like: 'Lily, 23, from London.' Finally! My new manager left a message on my assistant's phone, saying, 'Uh, I don't know if you know, but Lily's boobs are all over the newspapers.' It's only taking a bikini top off. I've got nothing to be ashamed of about my body. We've all got them."
Twas so nice, she did it twice. After the cut, more Lily yoinkers. Want some milk for your Weetabix, old sport! We're proper chuffed!
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Kim Kardashian has an official website. And on this website, she posts little updates about her life for her fans, accompanied by cute pictures of her posing with the Jonas Brothers, cuddling koalas in Australia, and such and such. The other day, she posted this entry:
Kourtney and I went to Miami a few months back. We had a fun and relaxing time. Here are some photos we took while we were there.
If this were any other site, such a paragraph would be paired with pictures of a lady with a gunt spilling over her Old Navy cargo shorts kneeling next to a dolphin tank, and you wearing a visor reading "Bienvenido a Miami" giving the thumbs-up by some flamingos. But if you're Kim Kardashian and her sister, you get this:
We've spent so much time admiring Kim's colossal can that we've never really noticed that she's sporting some impressive front butt as well. Or maybe she just has two staggeringly huge knots of fat that travel around her torso at will, filling out areas that face the cameras. Like hookworms! Erotic hookworms.
Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl Gossip Girl! GOSSIP GIRL!!!! In a bid to increase our under-21 readership, we're only going to talk about The Hills and Gossip Girl from now on. A good place to start is GG's Blake Lively in a bikini. Unfortunately, the view is somewhat obscured by her onscreen boyfriend Penn Badgley, who appears to have taken his love jones for his costar into the real world.
Ah, looks like old Penn there learned some seduction tips from Hulk Hogan. Only Blake isn't his daughter so it isn't nearly as sexy.
And because nothing complements bikini bodies like a hearty guffaw, here is Blake's older sister Robyn Lively in the cinematic classic Teen Witch.
Lily Allen once sang that she wanted to see you smile. Today, the dream becomes reality as shots of her cliff-diving topless emerge. (Hollywood Tuna)
Some skintage flesh! Tricia Helfer nip slip circa 2007. Battlestar Galac-tit-ca. (Fatback)
The new cast of 90210 revealed! That one was for all of our under 12 and gay readers. (Bitten and Bound)
Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)
Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)
What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)
Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)
In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)
Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)
Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)
We'd love to share uncensored Mischa Barton topless pictures with you. Honest we would. Unfortunately, we cribbed these ones from Egotastic and they appear to have stars over her junk. Which probably comes as a relief to the old Mischa--who's vacationing in Australia--for she is none too pleased about the pics having been taken in the first place. She told the Sydney Morning Herald:
"We went out from Hamilton to a tiny island to relax in the sun and all of a sudden [paparazzo] Jamie Fawcett jumped out of a bush with a massive camera lens and took photos of me. He'd followed us in a boat! He's a ridiculous human being. I've never abhorred anyone more. I was so angry I went up to him and said how disappointed I was with his behaviour. He apologised but he was very insincere."
We're used to English media outlets Britishizing (Britishising?) American stars' quotes (and yes, we're aware that Mischa was born in England, but she was raised in America and is for all intents and purposes American), but this is the first example we've seen of Australia doing something similar. Although we would prefer it if they get a bit more Oz with it. "G'day! Me and my betties went to Hamilton to toss about the ole boomie and play some dij, and all of a sudden [paparazzo] Jamie Fawcett jumped out from behind a marsupial and took photos of me. What a larrikin! He's a ridiculous ocker. Throw another shrimp on the barbie that's not a knife this is a knife Yahoo Serious just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich OY! "
Here's some more pictures of Mischa so you all can talk about how her cellulite grosses you out and how you totally "wouldn't hit that butterface without triple-bagging it brraaahhh" or whatever it is you gorgeous and charming folks say in situations such as these.
Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)
Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)
'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)
Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)
Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)
When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)
The dance-off is a classic (not to mention very entertaining) concept. From West Side Story to Cameron Diaz in a club two months ago, the cabbage patch vs. the Soulja Boy will always be an endless fountain of fun. However, there is one thing that tops the dance-off every time, and that's the bikini-off! During the past 48 hours, we've borne witness to one of the most brutal battles ever committed to sand. Salt water was flying! The air was heady with Banana Boat! But who emerged the victor in the battle of bikini vs. bikini? There can be only one. You decide: Denise Richards or Heather Locklear?
It's a tough call, until you realize they both porked Richie Sambora and thus both lose.
The celebrity weeklies are just desperate for Britney Spears to drop a crapload of pounds and roll back her image to 1999 like she's the Wal-Mart smiley face. We saw where that got OK! a few weeks ago, namely, repurposing a five-year-old photo. Now Star is grasping as Slim Fasts, begging us to believe them when they whine: "She's in a bikini, that must mean she's thinner, right? Only people on diets wear bikinis, so she must be stuffing her cakehole with whole grains and leafy greens, not Hot Pockets, right? Right? Please?" Although they hold it together long enough to say this:
Britney Spears has been dieting and working out and it shows!
In the new issue of Star, we have world exclusive photos of Britney rocking her hot new bikini body at a Malibu beach.
And while she's not there yet, she has dropped 20 pounds, the cellulite is gone and her dancer's legs are back!
Unless Star is pulling some whacked out Merlin shit on us and when we open the mag to the appropriate spread her pictures will magically transform before our eyes, with the pounds miraculously melting from the page, we just don't see it. How is this body any different than the one we've been staring at every damn day for the last year and a half? Is it because her bikini covers all of her personal private areas and isn't in any way see through? Is that what they mean?
P.S. Leave the damn girl alone already. She looks fine. She does not need to look like Nicole Richie to gain CelebNewsWire's love. In fact, we'd prefer it if she never looked like Nicole Richie. That would be gross. more »
We cannot recall any movies that have been released in the past year that star Sienna Miller; however, we can name each time, place, and body part shown when it comes to Sienna appearing nude in public in the same time frame. Mostly because it happens every day. You'd think it would get old, but like other daily tasks such as brushing our teeth, emptying our colostomy bag, and humping our Xuxa doll, it's an occurrence that never seems to lose its sparkle! Follow the click through the cut and you will find yourself in a mysterious parallel universe where Sienna Miller's breasts bust their way through a bikini top. more »
Ash Wednesday is a holiday for miscreants, nogoodniks, hobos, and jerks. So we'd like to take this opportunity to declare today Ass Friday-- a holiday we can get behind. Awwww, dipping sauce! What an absolutely delectable play on words! So please, by all means, get into the holiday spirit today. Take off your pants and Porky Pig it around the office. Forget calling people "asshats" and fashion yourself an actual ass hat and wear it with pride. Give yourself or a loved one an enema. And enjoy today's crop of photos of celebrities with gigantic keisters tucked inside bikinis! To wit: Kim Kardashian:
Continuing the trend of girls with "dash" in their names who have big (d)ass(h)es: Stacey Dash of Clueless fame!:
And Serena Williams, who does not have the word "dash" in her name; however, she does dash around on the tennis court so hey, close enough!
The elderly gentleman in the last photo would do well to tune his metal detector past "nickel" and straight into the "bunz" setting, for the treasure is right before his very eyes. That was deep.
Mischa Barton: new projects! New boyfriend! And no time spent on a chain gang anytime soon, thanks to a DUI plea bargain! How does a modern gal celebrate such an upswing in her life? By getting some new honey-colored hair extensions and hitting the beach in a bikini. We can assume from these photographs that Mischa's time spent rolling fat J's and sparking up the gravity bong was well-spent. Perhaps when it comes to trimming and toning a body to taut perfection, these science brainiacs are barking up the wrong tree with their Hoodia. It's weed we should be looking at. Over the counter weed capsules. Weed pill infomercials. "30 Days to Your Dream Body Through Cheeba." Everyone in the world will be looking as fit as Mischa. Of course, worldwide productivity will take a nosedive. But on the bright side, sales of Zizzle Zounds will skyrocket.
(Images via Pacific Coast News, or, as the watermark says, "Pacfic Coast News")
Beyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (Celebitchy)
Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)
Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)
Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)
Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)
Bite-sized Heroes star Hayden Panettiere volunteered at World Children's Day, where she proceeded to devour all the babies under age two and pick her teeth with their discarded, semi-gnawed rib bones. (The Blemish)
Even when you take away her hand-held communication devices and remove her from the vicinity of assistants, Naomi Campbell will come out swinging and hissing and--yes--spitting. (Yeeeah!)
Brandon Davis, alias "Greasy Bear", aka "Fat Elvis", is no longer anti-Firecrotch. He's decided he hates black people and gays way more. (TMZ)
Angelina Jolie at a nubile sixteen! Before the blood, the Brad, the Billy Bob, the babies there was . . . really unflattering 1990s bathing suits with curious sheer cut-outs? (Egotastic)
Mena Suvari's crapper is delectable in a thong. Do we mean "butt" or "toilet"? Click here to find out the shocking answer! (Drunken Stepfather)
Anne Hathaway's boyfriend was arrested for bouncing a $250,000 check. Aw, that could happen to anyone. Oh, wait, we though that said "$2.50 check". (Celeb Warship)
Until this week we had never heard the name Simona Fusco, probably because we missed the cinematic masterpiece that was Beerfest, which we're sure was spectacular. We also somehow missed Bottoms Up (featuring Paris Hilton!) and Cougar Club (starring teeny weenied Chyna and . . . Faye Dunaway?). We really need a vacation just to keep up with direct-to-video releases. But it's amazing how much attention a lady can grab just by showing up in front of photographers wearing a bikini. Even more likely to get the snapper's (and the internet's) attention? Letting the top of said bikini completely release itself from your bosoms. Works every time. And you can see Simona working it after the cut. You'll be jerking it. more »
And here we see Penelope Cruz, international star of the silver screen, with her impressively pneumatic body poured into an expensive bikini, relaxing in a villa in the south of France, next to her boyfriend, acclaimed actor Javier Bardem, fresh off of winning an Academy Award. You'd feel a little sick, a little angry, and plenty jealous, were you not to realize just how close Penelope had come to pricking her finger and signing a Scientological pact to turn herself over to a life of indentured servitude, wide-legged Armani trousers, and uterine duty to Tom Cruise. Instead of organic dinners and Best of Al Green CDs with Jenna Elfman and Leah Remini, Penelope is Euro-chilling with a bottle of $700 wine and a hunky man taller than 5'6". Huzzah!
Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)
Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (