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May 08, 2008

Talking About Your Cellulite: Hollywood's Newest Trend!

Kim Kardashian calendar 1.jpg Remember how Paris Hilton called Kim Kardashian's ass "cottage cheese inside a big trash bag" and then was all like, "Haha, that was so totally a joke. I love Kim. She's hot. I'd love to bury my face in that cheese and slurp it up" or something to that effect? And then Kim was like, "We're cool. I'm not mad. LYLAS, BFF 4-EVA." What she was really thinking was, "I hope a rat crawls into your vagina and eats you from the inside, you fake whore," though she tries to keep up the pro-Paris sham by writing about her cellulite removal on her official website:
With all of this cellulite talk you guys must think I've got it bad! For the record, it's really not that bad at all! Just a little junk in the trunk! ;) Here is how it all got started...

This Sunday of Keeping Up With The Kardashians you will get to see my super cute idea for my one year anniversary gift for Reggie. I wanted to think of something unique and special, not something anyone could just go out and buy! I came up with the idea to make him a calendar! (You can see pictures from the shoot on this post!)

I only had a few weeks of preparation so I had to think fast! I asked my dear friend Troy Jensen, who is a make up artist, hair stylist and photographer if he could help me out! It was fierce!!! We had the best shoot ever! It was so different from anything I have ever done!

In order to make this the hottest shoot ever, I had to get in shape! I worked out like crazy. It felt good... but then, my sisters and I went to the American Laser Center for our usual laser hair removal (I recommend this to everyone as well!) and the nurse informed us of a cellulite treatment called VelaShape.

You have got to read about it! It is basically a non-surgical device that massages the needed area and stimulates the blood circulation so that it minimizes cellulite. I only had time for one treatment, but I am definitely planning to go back for more!

Three months ago my sisters and I visited the American Laser Center and did a VelaShape treatment, and we filmed the entire process!

Of course, now that the episode is about to air, the American Laser Center released a press statement saying we went there for the treatment, and now everyone is assuming I am secretly hurt by Paris' comments about me having cellulite and I am now rushing to try to do anything I can to get rid of it!

Well of course that is not the case! This treatment was done months before her joking around and I wouldn't have filmed the process if this was something I was insecure or embarrassed about!

I work out extremely hard and am happy with my shape... cellulite, not so much!

LOL... What girl doesn't have a little bit of cellulite. And who wants it, anyway!
Sure, Kim says that to the public to appear all nice and sweet, but we're sure that her weekend plans include picking up this issue of The National Enquirer:

national enquirer cover cellulite.jpg
and pasting Paris's face over all of the pictures.

Kim Kardashian calendar 2.jpg Kim Kardashian calendar 3.jpg
More pics from Kim's super-special, oh-so-private anniversary gift can be found at her website.
more »
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March 26, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Pamela and Camela (Toe)

pam_anderson_bj_dog_poop.jpg• Pam Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. In the eyes of the law, that means it never happened. Let us never speak of this again. (Hollywire)

• MrSkin.com scores the first ever interview with Christian Landers, the dude behind the high-larious StuffWhitePeopleLike.com! (Mr. Skin)

• Madonna claims that her marriage is ripe with "erotica". Excellent way to work your song title in there, Madge. Was your wedding La Isla Bonita? (Female Foist)

• Kate Moss sans the clammy, crackulous influence of Pete Doherty = foxy. (Cityrag)

• Awwww. Carmen Electra has found herself another funny little eyeliner-wearing alternarocker to love. (Daily Stab)

• Sophie Monk's religious last name belies the deep cleave of her camel toe. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Renee Zellweger attended a screening of Leatherheads donning a leathered face. Sorry, Renee. You seem like a nice lady, you just make it so easy. (Allie Is Wired)

• Sorry, boys! Looks like that hot slice of preggo jailbait Jamie Lynn Spears is off the market! (The Blemish)

• I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, he's a Pepper, Axl Rose is a Pepper. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

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March 05, 2008

Jessica Alba Sez: "More Ham and Cheese, Please!"

jessica alba eats a flower.jpg You what we love? (well, besides masturbating to Judy Nails, of course.) When skinny famous ladies fall pregnant and finally allow themselves to stuff any old thing into their cake holes. The thought of preggo Milla Jovovich grabbing a cow bone and sucking out the marrow was to us what schoolgirl porn is to Charlie Sheen. Now PageSix.com reveals that Jessica Alba loves nothing more than a ham and cheese sandwich.
Attention, celeb pals of Jessica Alba, PageSix.com has a heads-up on baby gifts for the actress's much-anticipated little one: ham and cheese.

Cash Warren's fiancιe was feeling bloggyin France today, on the last stop of promoting her thriller The Eye. The bumped beauty mused on Paris fashion, Amy Winehouse and deli sandwiches while getting makeup done for her flick's French premiere (above).

Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the States, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. IT'S THE BEST.
It's almost as if harboring a fetus in one's uterus makes a an untouchable example of Hollywood perfection HUMAN. Does this mean that about once a day Jessica Alba also places her posterior upon a ring of porcelain and excretes feces? Is it possible that she is one of us?
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January 16, 2008

Celebrities Spending Writer's Strike Having Tons of Sex, Getting Knocked Up

matthew mcconaughey moose knuckle walking dog.jpg Just like your 35-year-old spinster sister, Hollywood is baby crazy. We're beginning to think that Governor Arnold secretly passed a law that every showbiz personality must spawn by the year 2010 or be forced to spend two years working the craft services table. Jennifer Aniston better start prepping her uterus, because we hear she's a mess with a chafing dish. more »
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August 14, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "You Liars. You Bulimic Liars.”

courtney_love_bazaar.jpg• Everyone in the world has an eating disorder except for Courtney Love. Or is that Janice from the Muppets, naked? (Celebitchy)

• Jessica Alba plays blind. Blind and nipply. (Yeeeah!)

• Jenna Jameson done got her face fucked screwy. (Egotastic)

• Charlize Theron ponies up some major cleavage for the movie Hancock. And now you will put your han on your cock. (Daily Stab)

• Hayden Panettiere wears shorts so short, they may as well be panties. Pantierres? Pantyerres? (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse finally says "Sure, sure, sure" to rehab. Sellout. (Hollywood Grind)

• Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. Really. That's not an obtuse metaphor. Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. (The Blemish)

• Posh Spice's blog is SO MAJOR! (Allie Is Wired)

• Hey, Diane Kruger, that water looks awful cold. (Taxi Driver)

• Angelina Jolie's getting an itchy adoption finger again. Watch out, Africa, she's comin' to gitcha. (Celeb Warship)

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July 24, 2007

The New York Times Gets Skintastic

mrskin.jpgBig ups, many shout-outs, roof-raising, cabbage patches, and vogueing going out to our friends at MrSkin.com, who were profiled in yesterday's New York Times in regards to their sweet name-drop in Knocked Up. It's a dream of ours to be legitimized in respected print like the New York Times. Actually we would be happy with a mention in Cole and Dylan Sprouse: the BOP Super Pin-Up Special. Or Spin. Ew, just kidding, not Spin.
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July 20, 2007

Courtney Love Good Write Word Stuff

courtney love gross stomach.jpg Did you wake up this morning thinking, "Crap, I got so wrapped up in in reading Jordan's novel Crystal last night that I forgot to go out and get drunk. How am I ever going to make it through a Friday at work without a hangover?" Why don't you spend the next half hour trying to read Courtney Love's MySpace blog? Although that strategy may backfire and cause your distraught and befuddled brain to shut down for good. You'd probably still be able to spell better than Courtney, though. Here's an excerpt, in which she talks about how much better she is as a musician than Gwen Stefani:
we were doing our hair( thew girls) way up in that ugly crazy building and couyld seeyou all for blocks, it was wild-= i told my peeps top go get bvoys wiuth skateboards and giurls whow ere into stefani, no offense to truyew fans i just felt like a challenge- if someone sreally into stefani to me that says they dontw anta nty trouble in thoe rlives, want very mucbh to be p[opular abnd accepted, wnatto be trendy but niot dangerous, and the idea of forcin gthat waznna be popular girl to face the fear cdoes somethin for me./plus im startinga clotyhing line this year too, just higher end and the lowerr end wont be about a font. i wouldbnt do that iu fond that crass somehow= a sportsac ten times the prio ce because it has ther same cuddle bear sweeetoe pie sign off that Rossdale used to sign hios letters to me with in a Times Courier font ? maybve its me, i know perfeume has a 800 -1200% profit markup so if one "brands" oneself well enough one can cash it in big an d hard by selling a perfume wethe rone gioves a shot about the smell opr not- kudos to madge for forgoinmg that , because nop way hads she not been asked. L.A.M.B. heh, well look its not fo rme to judge- im far mior eonteretsed in amazin g lingerie enyways and if i design a bag itll be fabulous
Oooh, Courtney, you so bad! You're so outside the mainstream, and your songs are so challenging to the establishment. Bad grammar really is the ultimate rebellion, right above painting your fingernails black and saying fuck a lot. OG riot grrrrl 1993!
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June 14, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Momiston

jennifer_aniston.jpg • Jennifer Aniston is going to adopt a baby! So prepare to listen to your middle-aged lady coworkers coo and gasp with delight and talk about what a wonderful mother that nice Aniston woman will make. And then her publicist will deny the reports and it will all be over. Ahhh. (IMDb)

• Petra Nemcova, she is a lady without a shirt but with curious symbols painted across her mammary glands. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Britney holds J.J.; allows ass cheeks to devour bikini bottoms, as if they were a delicious chocolate cake. (The Blemish)

• Furthermore, Britney mocks Lohan on her website. Hey, so what are the heating bills like in that glass house of yours, B? (Celebitchy)

• Kim Kardashian will dance with the Pussycat Dolls. And her assplants will burst forth through her regulation lace chaps. As if they were a delicious chocolate cake. (D Listed)

• The Olsens turned 21 yesterday. Remember when dudes were counting down the days until they were legal because they wanted to sexually fantasize about them without feeling guilty? And then they turned legal AND turned into doddering Miss Havishams that smell like motel ashtrays? Hahaha, that was funny! (ICYDK)
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February 21, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Never Killed a Pot Head"

tyra_banks_si.jpg• Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Say it five times fast.

• Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.

• Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?

• Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?

• Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.

• Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.

• Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!

• Or not.

• Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".

• Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.

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February 16, 2007

Hey, Y'all, It's J.J.!

jayden james.jpg That thing you're looking at to the left of these here words? That's the first picture of Jayden James Spears Federline. Or at least the first one that could be distinguished from a snap of a butternut squash wrapped in Huggies. And now that we've been formally introduced via OK! magazine (and BreatheHeavy.com), we have a few words of advice for the little tyke. First of all, pay attention to your older brother. He's learned some street smarts from being repeatedly dropped and left at home with the canine babysitter. Also, when Mommy tries to send you to your first day of school wearing a mini mesh-back that says "Mommy's L'il Pimp" and little Osh Kosh jeans cinched around your lower thigh with a shoestring, don't do it. Wear anything else, even your pajamas if you have to. Oh, and get used to the sight of the vagina from whence you came. You're gonna be seeing a lot of it. more »
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January 04, 2007

Courtney Love: New Year, New Horse

courtney love cleavage.jpg Courtney Love made a long list of New Year's resolutions. While quite interesting and in depth, the list surprisingly omits any promises to "not beat anyone (strangers, ex-boyfriends' skeezy new hookup tramps, journalists) with beer bottles, microphone stands, high heels, etc." Hmmm. It must have slipped her mind. more »
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December 07, 2006

Britney Flaps Her Lips--This Time Via Written Word

britney web statement.jpg While we greatly mourn the graphic of Britney turning into a tiger and then turning back into Britney that brought us hours upon hours of entertainment, we are happy to see that Britney Spears's official website has finally been updated. We are less happy to see that the update comes in the form of a statement obviously written by her mom. All it needs is a couple references to how funny King of Queens is and how much she loves her new Lee jeans to unquestionably convince us of its authorship. more »
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August 03, 2006

Introducing the W.T. League of Nations

Anna Nicole Smith thinks she would make the perfect gal pal for Britney Spears. We think Brit's doing just fine stuffing her ass into two-sizes-too-small cut-off Palmetto jean shorts and making her life into a not-to-be-missed train wreck. She doesn't need a tutor. Oh sorry, Anna Nicole wears Guess. Wrong '80s throwback there. more »
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July 19, 2006

Pam Anderson To Return To Holy Mam-trimony

And while we're on the topic of boulder-like man-made titties, Pam Anderson is getting married. We're sure the four of them will be very happy together. more »
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May 16, 2006

Sean Is the New God

It seemed that Britney Spears had all but abandoned her Letter of Truth as her main form of communication, as it had been nearly a year since her assistant/Mom put on the Britney wig and muumuu and let words flow onto the screen. But Friday was a magical day that saw Britney return to her ghostwritten fan communication. What knowledge did this oracle of w.t. provide? What insights into life did she share? Not a helluva lot, actually. It seems that Britney can't even employ people to put actual thoughts into her head to replace the constant stream of "Durrr . . . " more »
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February 10, 2006

Bobby Brown Must Have Saved up Some of His Crack Money to Buy a Computer

We all know that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are double-dipped in crazy, so what's it like growing up with the doody bubbles as your parental figures? Apparently it causes you to accept MySpace as your personal friend and confidante. more »
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December 28, 2005

K-Fed: the Man, the Myth, the Website

We have terrible news for all of you: Celebnewswire is through! At least, according to Kevin Federline we are. more »
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