filed under: Celebrity Sex Tapes
June 25, 2009
CNW Junk Drawer: Personal Pan Perry

•
Katy Perry nude with some pizza. Extra cheesy! (
ONTD)
• One of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (Danielle Staub) has a sex tape. We're shocked that "NJ housewife sex tape" is a thrilling story. What a world! What a world we live in. (
Yeeeah!)
• If you are a bartender and you do not serve a very drunk
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, then he is the manager of the Black Eyed Peas and you are Perez Hilton. Only maybe without the weepy YouTube pleas. (
The Blemish)
•
Lindsay Lohan tried 2 dance with
Justin Timberlake and he was like O HELL NO and then she totally got mad and 2 get back @ him she Tweeted he was cheating on
Jessica Biel & then she wuz hacked but she wasn't OMFG! (
CelebWarship)
• Stills from Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie. It's not half as creepy as the '80s TV version with Carol Channing and Ann Jillian. Still gives me the heebies. (
Amy Grindhouse)
•
Hilary Duff is kind of useless and probably a total choadball, but whatever, she looks hot in a bikini. (
Anything Hollywood)
•
Jessica Simpson has a new reality show. To quote Nancy Kerrigan, "WHHHHYYYYYYYY?" (
Websters)
•
Kristen Stewart and
Rob Pattinson have been made into dolls. Dolls that are much more charismatic than their
Twilight counterparts. (
Daily Stab)
• Here is
Denise Richards in a bikini on the beach with a giant parrot. Um, that's about it. (
Drunken Stepfather)
June 19, 2009
OMFG! It's B from GG Giving an FJ!!!!

Celebrity sex tapes usually involve Playboy Bunny types, or reality stars, or
Chyna's roid-wiener. A sex tape featuring an A-list star--a very comely and popular and young A-list star--is like finding a unicorn in a field of donkeys, so we were skeptical about the promise of a
Leighton Meester sex tape. But then we remembered that she was
born behind bars (that sounds like a country song) and the whole tale seemed slightly less preposterous.
TMZ says:
Spotted ... "Gossip Girl" star Leighton Meester having sex with her BF... on video.
We've learned a Meester tape is being shopped around town. It was shot a few years back, and shows Leighton in mostly innocuous though nude scenes -- with several big exceptions ... one involving her very talented feet.
Leighton is one of the top role models for tweens--one can't set foot into a Forever 21 without being inundated by Blair Waldorf-esque headbands and preppy dresses laden with oversized bows, so it will be cool when the Delia*s catalog starts selling cucumber-melon scented footjob lotion--now with extra sparkles!!!!
P.S. We're too scared of Leighton siccing her old prison buddies on us, but if you want to see some teaser pics from the tape (and you do, doy), go to
Celebhotline. Sounds a lot like CelebNewsWire, no? Maybe we'll get some runoff traffic. Choice!
June 15, 2009
This Is Not a Rihanna Sex Tape, but You'll Watch It Anyway

So. Rihanna. You think you
saw her naked, right? We're not so sure. We still don't trust nudie pictures without a face. Just too sketchy. But we're willing to leave it open to debate. Maybe the intention of those pictures was to keep us guessing. Maybe Chris Brown has a really rare fetish wherein he likes his naked chicks decapitated (at least we hope that's rare). Who knows. But this. This we don't buy. AT ALL. After the cut is a short clip that is reportedly from a
Rihanna sex tape. But honey, no. This here is some chick from the Bronx whose boyfriend said, "You look like that Rihanna. She's hot right now. I could make a lot of money if you let me tape us having sex. I've got this sweet camera from like 1999. I swear I'll buy you shit when I make lots of money off of our fake Rihanna sex tape. You like candy necklaces, right?" Watch the NSFW clip yourself after the cut.
more »
April 14, 2009
CNW Junk Drawer: Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Salomon-Padgett

• So they're saying
Pamela Anderson is set to wed again. This time to scuba diver Jamie Padgett. Eighteenth time's a charm! (
Yeeeah!)
• Jamie Foxx wants Miley Cyrus to do heroin, smoke crack, make a sex tape, and get chlamydia from a bicycle seat. Uh, it was a tractor and my doctor said it totally can happen, thank you very much. (
Pop on the Pop)
• Porn star
Marilyn Chambers slips behind the green door of life and into the great beyond. RIP, lady. (
Mr Skin)
•
Angelina Jolie named Most Beautiful Woman by
Vanity Fair. That's so fucking controversial, man! Can you even believe it? We're outraged! Outraged!!! (
Celebitchy)
• Remember yesterday, when we posted pics of
Jessica Simpson in a muumuu and said we liked the look? Well, we were right. Because now there are naked ass upskirt shots. Ka-BOOM. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• Phil Spector: to know, know, know him is to love, love, love him. Unless you're
Barbarian Queen Lana Clarkson. Then he kills you. (
CelebWarship)
•
Lindsay Lohan shows all the depth of your seventh grade production of Pecos Bill and Slue Foot Sue Meet the Dirty Dan gang in a new video for FunnyorDie. (
DailyStab)
• Hey, look! Naked babes with strategically covered nipples in
Allure! (
The Blemish)
March 20, 2009
CNW Fantasy Corner: Chris Brown and Rihanna Sex Tape Edition

We're going to preface this by saying that if every supposed celebrity sex tape we heard rumors about were real, your celebrity-sex-tape collection would rival any "brought to you by Judd Apatow" movie collection in hugeness. But whatevs. You might get to see
Chris Brown giving
Rihanna a different kind of pounding. As in, with his penis. Says
Star:
The leaked police photo of Rihanna's battered face stunned and horrified the world. But now Star has learned that the pop princess worries that other shocking images could go public — wild sex tapes of her with abusive boyfriend Chris Brown!
In the March 30 issue of Star — on sale now — we report that Rihanna allowed Chris to record some of their, um, intimate moments and — she worries that the racy tapes could ruin her — especially after seeing how quickly Chris turned on her once before.
"Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality," a source tells Star. "But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out!"
Insiders say Rihanna is still emotionally fragile and vulnerable since the Feb. 8 assault that left her nearly unconscious.
"This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible," explains the insider.
Generally we're into the idea of celebrity sex tapes. We've seen offerings from both Chyna and Screech, so you know we're committed (or maybe that is
should be committed). But we don't like the idea of seeing a Chris Brown/Rihanna sex tape. We think the experience would be icky, kind of like seeing two crackheads making out in the back of a public bus. Sure, you would be seeing Rihanna's tits, but you'd know what her future held and you'd just want to yell, "No, Rihanna, no! Don't go in the basement!" But she's gonna go in the basement. Doomed.
January 21, 2009
Paris Hilton Makes Sex Tape, Freaks Sting

Oft-
nude Paris Hilton has been keeping a low profile since her breakup with a Madden. Sure, there was the
nip slip that wormed its way into
Repo! The Genetic Opera, but that was filmed long ago and doesn't count. So we're glad to hear she's over her self-imposed hussy exile and is back to doing what she does best: making sex tapes and wiping her ham tunnel on random famous guys. According to
Fox, Paris is having a good time at Sundance, grinding on
Sting:
Sting and the hotel heiress were happily dancing together when things got a little dirty and the moves turned into grinding. Apparently the photographers intentionally refrained from snapping the twosome to stop rumors from running rampant, although Sting’s wife of almost 18 years, Trudie Styler, was present at the party and laughed the promiscuous performance off as “a bit of good fun.”
Oh, and also the CEO of MySpace, says NYDN:
A source told the New York Daily News newspaper: “They were grinding each other on the dance floor forever, before lying together on a banquette. Then the couple began sucking face hard. They left out the back door, with her hand in his pants pocket.”
Although a MySpace spokesperson refused to comment on the story, an insider at the social networking website said: “This is what happens when altitude affects your brain. They’re just having fun.”
And there may be another Paris Hilton sex tape out there. Says
The Sun:
PARIS HILTON made ANOTHER sex tape of herself, according to a new book.
The hotel heiress, 27, is "seen in a state of arousal in a New York taxi" in the footage, according to explosive new tome Six Degrees of Paris Hilton by MARK EBNER.
As well as the racy footage, he says there are also excerpts from Paris’ grandmother’s funeral.
At this point, we think the funeral footage is probably more erotic than the sex tape. Everyone's seen Paris banging. Even inmates in solitary confinement are like, "Paris sex tape? Ehhhh, no thanks, I'll just sit here and play tic tac toe on my shin with a fingernail."
September 30, 2008
Britney Spears Sex Tape: The Rumor that Won't Die

OK, here's the situation: My parents went away on a week's vacation. Wait, what are we saying? That was just automatic. What we meant to say was, OK, here's the situation: You're a lowly paparazzo trying to be the next big thing by catching another snap of
Britney Spears's cooter when, miraculously, she notices your meticulously coiffed face pubes and takes a liking to you. Lucky for you, girl's in her loony-as-Daffy-Duck phase and doesn't notice you're a total sleazebag. And being such, you take advantage of her vulnerable state and tape yourself porking her. So naturally once you've been banned from the Spears house by a well-intentioned parent you start looking for new ways to make some cash. And, hey, lucky for you sex tapes featuring really famous ladies (or people who know really famous ladies like Kim Kardashian) make for easy money. Reports
The New York Daily News:
Britney Spears' paparazzo ex-boyfriend has revealed he owns a sex tape starring himself and the former Mouseketeer – and he will sell it, if the price is right.
Adnan Ghalib, the shutterbug and former flame who infamously dated Brit during her breakdown, told Heat magazine, "There is such a tape, but I won't discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further."
The alleged adult footage, which was filmed in Mexico, runs about two hours and features the singer wearing nothing but a pink wig, an unconfirmed source tells Britain's The Sun newspaper.
Of course, "sources" say there is no such tape, but c'mon. We all know it's out there. Whether it's with Adnan or KFed or Paris Hilton or a rabid coyote that wandered into her yard, there is some variety of Britney Spears sex tape somewhere in the universe. Only problem is, it's probably from a time in Brit's life when she was more scary than sexy, and watching it will probably make you sad. Unless of course you have no soul, then jerk away.
more »
September 02, 2008
Josh Hartnett Gives New Meaning to "Heading to the Library for Some Cramming"

Despite having eyeballs the size of M&Ms and less charisma than a package of Lunchables,
Josh Hartnett somehow stumbled upon a successful Hollywood career and
Scarlett Johansson's jugs. And now, we can see that famous wooden emoting style on camera yet again in his latest cinematic offering: Josh Hartnett and Some Gal Screw on Tape in a Hotel Library. According to
The Mirror, Josh took a lady back to his hotel in London and did some advanced studying in the private stacks and it was all caught on security camera. Oops. A source said:
"Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy. After stumbling in quite late, they legged it to the library and immediately closed all the curtains so that no one could see in.
"Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place - the library included. This means their every spit and cough was recorded, and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh's X-rated moves. No one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.
"Josh didn't seem bothered that the library wasn't locked and anyone could just burst in. He just kind of went for it.
"After the event, someone had a quiet word in Josh's ear and he was asked to take his personal business elsewhere in future. Josh took it on the chin and didn't kick up a fuss. He's been as good as gold since."
OK, haha funny story and everything, but seriously, we can't believe anyone talks like this, even in England. It's like the Mirror takes a normal quote like "Josh Hartnett was caught on video cramming it into some girl in a hotel" and they send the clip down to their editorial department for sprucing up. And said department consists of a nineteenth century Cockney bootblack looking over the copy through a monocle, quill dipped in red ink and poised to make it all the more jaunty. "'Josh said he understood and went back to his hotel room'? Nae! 'Josh took it on the chin and didn't kick up a fuss.' Oye, that's much improved, by gum! Now where's me cards, it's time for a trifle and a spot of whist."
July 21, 2008
Jessica Simpson and Madonna Sex Tape! Jessica Simpson and Madonna Sex Tape?

Yes!
Jessica Simpson and
Madonna sex tape. No, not
together, dummies, so kindly tame your vomity visions of Madonna rogering Jessica with a Kabbalah water bottle. According to our personal gossip pope,
Female First, a tape featuring
Alex Rodriguez slipping Madonna the ole A-Rod on a couch exists and is being shopped around despite being wildly illegal:
Madonna is reportedly at the centre of a sex tape scandal. A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa. He is trying to sell the tape - allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons - for £1 million.
The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago.
A legal source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper that the implications of the secret filming could be dire for the cameraman, saying: "If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. But more than that he would not have had his friend's consent to install the camera and must have entered the apartment without approval to hide it.
"He would be guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he'd be going to jail for a few years."
In similar big-breasted-blondes-with-knuckleheads news, there may also exist a tape featuring Jessica Simpson having God-sanctioned matrimonial sexual intercourse with ex-husband
Nick Lachey. Says
Showbiz Spy:
Rumours have emerged that a sex tape starring Jessica Simpson will appear online. According to the Daily Sport, the home movie, which features popstar and actress Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey, has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's holiday sex video.
A source said: "Jessica is horrified her name and 'sex tape' are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a girl of high morals and principles."
The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.
Listen, Madonna and Jessica. That's all fine and good that you're copulating on camera, but in the last couple of years, the celebrity sex tape bar has been raised quite a bit. We've had
golden showers, night vision,
wieners on dames, and
midgets. If you want to make it in this cutthroat, dog-eat-dog world, you're going to have to step it up. And actually cut throats or eat dogs. Soon to be a Belladonna release, coming to a video store near you.
more »
June 26, 2008
Mini Meat

What is that eerie mollusk looking for a hole? Is that a geoduck? Oh. No, no . . . we've just been informed that it's
Austin Powers star
Verne Troyer's tongue feverishly inching towards a woman's mouth.
TMZ has a clip of this insanely arousing sex tape, and reports:
Yes, that's Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple's apartment. A third party has snatched up the tape and although no deal has been made, we hear dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris' video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness. We would have thought the tape was worth at least ONE BILLION DOLLARS.
A rep for Troyer could not be reached for comment.
Oh, sure, you can sit there behind your computer screen making barfing noises and spouting internet catchphrases like "do not want!", but the truth of the matter is that these days, porn isn't considered hot unless it involves forked wangs and Go-Gurt enemas and entire legs inserted into ladies, so this is timely. Tame, even. Oh the times, the are a-changing. The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind. They paved paradise and put up a dildo store.
June 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke

•
Mary-Kate Olsen,
Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (
The Blemish)
•
Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (
Yeeeah!)
• Mario Lopez kissed
Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (
Hollywire)
•
Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (
Faded Youth)
•
Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (
CelebWarship)
•
Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (
Celebridiot)
• In case you were wondering,
Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (
D-listed)
•
Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (
Cityrag)
•
Anne Hathway's now-
ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (
Daily Stab)
•
Katherine Heigl ditches the
Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (
Drunken Stepfather)
May 16, 2008
Wiggin' Out: 1 Night in Britney

Ladies, let this be a lesson to you: if you are entertaining the idea of making it on tape with a fame-sucking paparazzo, said tape is probably going to be sold. And then everyone will assume you are a lesbian because you're frenching a dude whose chin looks like a porn star's poontang. Shocker of the year:
Britney Spears's objectionable hump-chum of yore,
Adnan Ghalib, is reportedly shopping around a sex tape.
Splash sez:
"Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing," said the insider. "She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there in Rosarito. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'"
Well thank Christ for this mysterious source who's there to tell us that an episode of sexual intercourse begins with one of the parties removing clothing. Man, that sounds filthy! We're left wondering what completely lewd and depraved shit happened next. Kissing?
Touching?
more »
April 29, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: She's Still Got (T)it!

•
Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (
The Blemish)
•
Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (
Female First)
•
Tom Cruise was once
Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (
Hollywood Grind)
• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over,
Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(
I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of
Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (
The Hollywood Gossip)
• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter
Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (
Derek Hail)
• When
John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (
Yeeeah!)
•
Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (
Holy Taco)
• Former
Full House fox
Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved
90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (
Hollywire)
April 16, 2008
Marilyn Monroe and the Hummer Hoax

So remember that
Marilyn Monroe sex tape we told you about the other day? Yeah, it's probably not real. Sorry about that. But you were never going to be able to see it anyway, so it doesn't really make any difference to you, now does it?
Defamer used their fancy-pants skills to whip up a convincing case that the story is totally bogus and the memorabilia dealer involved in the supposed sale is a total jagbag and the Marilyn-memorabilia-collector's version of Heidi Montag. They used tactics they learned in journalism school, like talking one-on-one with leading experts in the field. We didn't go to journalism school, so we don't know how to do that. We did go to clown college, though. We can't write a lede for shit, but, boy, can we work a seltzer bottle. Some of the highlights of Defamer's investigation:
There are too many holes in the Keya Morgan story. Having talked with Mr. Morgan in our own interview over the phone in the summer of 2007, he spoke quickly and non-stop of his planned television documentary, of conspiracy theories into Monroe's death, and about his alleged friendships with all three Monroe husbands.
In general Mr. Morgan was a name dropper, especially when it came to those notorious for supporting the conspiracy theories involved with the story of Marilyn Monroe. However, he wove into our conversation his claim that he dated Mariah Carey and Renée Zellweger.
The film was supposedly made of Marilyn Monroe as a starlet. If filmed in this time period of Monroe's life, why would the feds have cared about the activities of a young starlet, considering that Marilyn Monroe had not reached the heights of fame at the time this footage was claimed to have been filmed?
"You see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe - she has the famous mole." This is a quote by Keya Morgan, which is one of the flimsiest pieces of evidence ever presented. Just because this alleged film has a person with a mole, it's instantly Marilyn Monroe?
Essentially Morgan is claiming that this is a bootleg copy of a classified FBI film. So if an original is classified, why would the FBI allow this public brouhaha in the press and not stop this sale from taking place? Why would this film copy not be destroyed?
Are they trying to tell us that unscrupulous people make up things about celebrities? Well, golly gee, that is shocking. We must contact our local minister at once so as to secure all those liars a nice warm spot in Hell. For shame.
more »
April 14, 2008
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (Giving Blowjobs)

We all love a celebrity sex tape, right? We would never watch an actual movie involving the likes of
Chyna or
Screech, but catch them in the act of porking and we will devote hours upon hours of our life to them. But when a sex tape involves one of the biggest stars in history, does it matter that she's been dead for forty-five years? Nah. Not really.
The New York Post reports:
Some really like it hot.
In the sordid tradition of peddling raunchy video footage of celebrities a la Paris Hilton, a long-buried sex movie of Marilyn Monroe recently hit the market, a top collector told The Post.
An illicit copy of the steamy, still-FBI-classified reel - 15 minutes of 16mm film footage in which the original blond bombshell performs oral sex on an unidentified man - was just sold to a New York businessman for $1.5 million, said Keya Morgan, the well-known memorabilia collector who discovered the film and brokered its purchase.
The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-'60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe's sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.
The silent black-and-white flick shows Monroe on her knees in front of a man whose face is just out of the shot.
He never moves into the shot, indicating that he knew the camera was there, but Monroe never looks at the lens, said Morgan, who saw the footage.
Morgan said he discovered the film while doing research for a documentary on Monroe, after talking with a former FBI agent who told him about a confidential informant who tipped G-men to the existence of the film in the mid-'60s.
The feds eventually confiscated the original footage - but not before the informant made a copy of it, which is what was just sold by his son, Morgan said.
There are heavily redacted, declassified FBI documents talking about a "French-type" film.
They state the informant "exhibited [to agents] a motion picture which depicted deceased actress Marilyn Monroe committing a perverted act upon a unknown male," Morgan said.
The informant was with at least one mobster at the time, the documents state.
According to the documents, "Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.
"Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom."
Morgan said he got the deceased informant's name from the former FBI agent who tipped him off to the flick - and was floored after he found the mole's son in Washington, DC, and the man retrieved a film canister from a safe-deposit box and spooled it up.
"You see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe - she has the famous mole," Morgan said.
"She's smiling, she's very charming, she's very radiant, but she's known for being radiant," he said. "She moves away, and then it [the footage] stops."
Last month, he brokered its sale, leading the informant's son to a wealthy New York businessman who wants to keep this unseemly part of Monroe's past buried.
"He said he's just going to lock it up," Morgan said.
"He said, 'I'm not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I'm not going to sell it, out of respect.'"
We wonder what Hoover's investigation into the tape consisted of. Did his operatives slip JFK a sleeping pill before bed and then steal into his chambers with a sturdy ruler, trying to match his member to the one in the film? Or did Hoover don his favorite party dress and lure RFK into a coat closet, where he then took penile photographs for comparison purposes? So many possibilities. Also, we can't wait till it is discovered that the buyer of the reel is actually
Lindsay Lohan's newest paramour, and his intentions are to have LiLo recreate the clip to further prove her artistic abilities.
more »
March 25, 2008
Lindsay Lohan Knows Her BJ Skills When She Sees Them

We weren't the only ones duped by that supposed
Lindsay Lohan beej photo that was floating around last week; Lindsay thought it was real too! But to give her self recognization skills a little credit, there's no possible way on God's green earth that Lindsay could ever remember every situation in which she's given a blow job. You could probably show her a picture of Alexis Arquette blowing Kevin Federline on the Small World ride while Charo looked on and applauded and Lindsay would be hard pressed to remember if the bj queen in the photo was her or not. The details just kind of go out the window when you've got a dick in your mouth.
The Sun reports:
Pals say that Lindsay made a series of abusive phone calls to GEORGE BEST’s lothario son after a porn-style photo, said to be of the two of them, was posted on the Internet.
The blurry clip is thought to have been filmed on Calum’s phone when they were an item last year and then forwarded on to one of his friends.
A source, who overheard the rant, said Lindsay was screaming: “I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone.
“I should never have f***ing trusted you."
Lindsay screeched down the blower for so long that she had to leave another voicemail to finish her abusive tirade.
The Mean Girl continued: "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"
God, Lindsay, you have such a big mouth. (And, no, that's not a comment about the size of Calum's member.) Had you just zipped it we would have went on believing that pic was just some random no-name blonde. Or maybe Dina.
March 20, 2008
I Know Who Blew Me

It's celebrity dong-smoking week here at CelebNewsWire! Invite your pals over for Li'l Smokies, don your best foam fingers and cram them down the gullets of your neighbors!
Lindsay Lohan caused a bit of a stir when she simulated oral sex on camera for the movie
Georgia Rule (see left). Today, life imitates art as a questionably fuzzy yet undeniably entertaining shot of someone appearing to be the fierycrotched one bestowing a blow job on a dude rumored to be former boyfriend
Calum Best popped up. After the cut, take in the photographic evidence. Move over,
Kristin Davis's
bacon--there's something leaner! And it's rubbing against Lindsay Lohan's brains!
UPDATE:
It's not Lindsay. But you're still going to look anyway, aren't you, you perv.
more »
March 19, 2008
Charlotte-gate 2008 Update

Yesterday we were convinced that the whole
Kristin Davis sex-tape thing (which is now known to not actually be a sex tape but instead a series of nudie pics) was totally bogus (like, fer sure, bra). But today we're just confused.
Fleshbot still thinks it's fake, but
TMZ thinks it's too legit to quit. Who to believe? Take a peek after the jump and judge the very NSFW pics for yourself.
more »
March 18, 2008
Kristin Davis Goes from Deck the Halls to Licking Balls?

If we were asked which oversexed minx from
Sex and the City we'd most like to see in a hardcore sex tape, we're pretty sure our first response would be Charlotte. We'd be taking a bit of a chance on that one, as there's a fifty-fifty chance that the uptight WASP would either be totally boring and uncreative or bed or she'd be a total fiend full of hellfire and willing to do just about anything. Most of those prep-school girls are capital B Bad underneath, right? Well, yesterday it looked like we might get the opportunity to see which side was dominant when news of a
Kristin Davis sex tape surfaced. But, alas, it seems to be a hoax.
TMZ reports:
Holy Charlotte York! Rumors have been floating around the Internet that there is a sex tape featuring "Sex and the City's" Kristin Davis. Well, not exactly.
TMZ has learned that approximately 20 salacious photos dating back five years have re-surfaced featuring what looks like Davis in several compromising positions. We hear the pics were taken by an ex-boyfriend and are now being shopped by a broker from California.
The big question is, why are these being shopped now? "SATC" is ovah! Well, for starters, the movie is coming out in May. That can generate some buzz. Also, the market for sex tapes and racy photos was not what it is today (thank you very much Paris Hilton).
As for Kristin, her rep tells us unequivocally that she's seen one of the pics and "This is not a photo of Kristin Davis. There is no sex tape."
We're actually inclined to believe an actress's flack for once. Remember back in 2006 when
pics surfaced of Steve Martin frolicking in the surf with a petite brunette who was the spitting image of Kristin and for what seemed like months everyone thought The Jerk was courting The York? That turned out to be
New Yorker staffer Anne Stringfield, whom Martin later married. So the obvious conclusion here is that we're not looking at a snap from a Kristin Davis sex tape, we're looking at a snap from an Anne Stringfield sex tape! Our deductive skills are unparalleled. We're thinking of donating our brain to MIT when we die (of autoerotic asphyxiation).
If you absolutely must view the peener that "Kristin" is licking in the above photo, visit
I Don't Like You in That Way.
more »
March 12, 2008
Gisele Bunchen and Tom Brady Sex Tape: Full-Bodied with Bold Tannins

Models and athletes are paid for what they do with their bodies and not so much for their Marilyn Vos Savant brand of brains, so it comes as no surprise that they like to film said rippling, lithe bodies entangled in sexual ecstasy without thinking about the consequences of such a film being released to the public. The latest victims of sex tape folly: homewrecking supermodel
Gisele Bundchen and her dimple-chinned quarterback lover,
Tom Brady. According to
Page Six, the pair were busted joining groins in the wine cellar of a New York restaurant:
Philippe on East 60th Street has allegedly videotaped celebrity customers as they frolicked in what they thought was a private room. The restaurant's private wine cellar is outfitted with hidden security cameras. And employees at the Chinese eatery have screened the videos after the stars leave, says an insider. "They've watched tape of Diddy and Sienna Miller hanging out and Tom Brady and Gisele [Bundchen] hooking up. They get a kick out of it, they laugh and comment on people," said our source. "Only a small circle of staffers there [knows] what's going on." A rep for Philippe confirmed there are cameras in the private rooms, especially where expensive wine is stored, "for security purposes," but claimed that "all tapes are deleted. It is completely and utterly false that anyone has access to view the videos at Philippe, which are maintained off-site at our corporate headquarters," said flack Ronn Torossian. "The privacy of our clientele is our foremost concern. . . . Any statement saying to the contrary is utterly and completely false." Bundchen's rep had no comment and Brady's rep did not return an e-mail.
With all the riches and diamond tiaras and bars of gold that celebrities have, it's nice to know that when it comes down to it, they still prefer to hook up in dank, musty, cold, dark holes, just like the rest of us mortals. And by "mortals" we mean "voles and groundhogs". Nothing like the scent of rotting cork and the sensuous touch of cobwebs on your bare ass to really get that genital batter flowing.
more »
February 20, 2008
Lick It Up: It's a Gene Simmons Sex Tape!

With a tongue as storied as the Excalibur in the stone, you'd expect Gene Simmons to make good use of it during the act of coitus. But you'd be wrong, as this chilling new
sex tape (link NSFW, friends) confirms. It depicts the Kiss bassist Porky Piggin' it in just a T-shirt, injecting a pigtailed, besiliconed energy drink spokesmodel with his Love Gun. We suppose that after allegedly boffing over 2000 women or whatever, sex becomes as mechanical as what you see depicted here. Though we are impressed with the rather inspired choice of "I Want to Know What Love Is" as the background song. Personally, were we to be hitting the sheets with Simmons, we would have gone with something off
Foreigner 4, perhaps "Jukebox Hero". Or, judging from the woman's rather repulsed reaction to Simmons, "Urgent".
December 20, 2007
Cokeheads on Film Part II
Back in July we told you about the shocking, racy, totally sexy and raunchy video footage
Porky Petey Dough-erty possesses of
Kate Moss. It included such embarrassing moments as Kate singing. Wow. If something like that got out it would totally ruin her career as a really skinny person who can be made pretty with loads of makeup. Now Pete wants to turn the footage into a TV show and Kate is pissed.
Page Six reports:
SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has her lawyers busy trying to gag her drug-addict ex-boyfriend, Pete Doherty. The Babyshambles frontman is negotiating with Britain's ITV2 network to tell all about their romance and share his home videos of her in a documentary titled "Kate & Pete: A Love Story." Doherty, who split with Moss last summer, could make $1 million, a source said, adding, "Producers hope he'll let them use a lot of film he and Kate shot on camcorders." But an insider told PageSix.com, "Kate is furious with Pete. She has contacted her lawyers and plans to get an injunction to stop the production." Moss will be horrified if the tapes surface. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else," we're told. "She'll feel betrayed."
We're hoping Kate's lawsuit isn't successful and the TV show will air. Mostly because we assume it will be just like
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, but with fewer "y'all"s and pot and more "cheerio, guv'nor"s and coke.
December 05, 2007
Britney and Paris Return to Sixth Grade

It's good to know that while
Britney Spears is embroiled in a bitter divorce and custody battle, is being investigated on child abuse claims, and is dealing with her career being flushed down the crapper, she's keeping focused on the important things. Like making sure that mean old
Paris Hilton gets her just desserts. And if Britney loves anything in this crazy world, it's desserts. According to our gossip sensei,
Female First, Brit is threatening to leak some photos of Paris twaddling uvulas with some girl:
A source said: "Britney and her pals wrote to Paris and told her they are hearing rumours of a new sex-tape scandal. The letter also claims the tape shows footage of Paris locking lips with one of Britney's female friends at a party. It warns Paris that if she continues being rude to people, the footage will be leaked online."
How perfectly diabolical. Britney, you mad genius. A picture of Paris Hilton pecking the lips of a female friend! That will surely wipe that wonk-eyed grin right off her face and drag her chaste reputation through the mud. Perhaps next, Britney will threaten to expose
Tara Reid as a drinker of alcoholic beverages, or release illicit photographs of Amy Winehouse smoking a
cigarette. No one is safe from the vigilantism of Britney Jean Spears. Street justice has a new name. And it's "Weavetracks McGee".
more »
November 09, 2007
Kim Kardashian Superstar Goes All The Empire Strikes Back On Us

This morning we found out that
Kim Kardashian Superstar Part 2 was going to be released by Vivid and our victorious huzzahs filled the air. "Finally!" we thought. "The elusive tinkling footage is here! We'll finally see Kim playing the part of a dusky-skinned, bald-beaved, giant-assed urinal cake!" KimKSuperstar.com's release (hee hee hee hee hee hee hee) states:
The uncut version of Kim Kardashian Superstar runs over 100 minutes and features over an hour of never-before-seen footage. A trailer on the site promises added sex scenes and candid footage of Hollywood socialite Kardashian and her then-boyfriend, ex-child actor and hip-hop artist Ray J. The revamped website also includes a scandalous voicemail message from Kim to Ray J recorded just after Kardashian found out about the release of the sex tape."
Excitedly, we viewed the new
trailer, rubbing our hands in pee-ticipation, only to get wee-wee blue balls! Where is the piss, people? Do we really need more footage of Ray-J saying, "HELLO?" into a phone? Is it totally necessary to include a voice mail of Kim whining, "You're sick? No, seriously? You're disgusting? And you wont, like? Return my calls? Actually? Don't return them at all? Because you're, like? Sick?" We never thought we'd complain about a preposterously pneumatic girl cavorting in a well-lit sex tape, but that was before rumor and innuendo tainted us with the promise of pee. We live in the age of Belladonna and 2Girls1Cup, friends. Anything less than quad anal while balancing a decorative bowl of loose human stools on one's back and it's like, ho hum. Vanilla.
more »
October 31, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: When the Zubas Come Off

• Make way for the Amy Fisher sex tape. Wonder if she gets fuoco'ed in the butta? (
PopCrunch)
•
Bai Ling in her natural state in Photographie magazine; i.e., nips out. (
Nudography)
• Hot holy shit on a cracked pepper cracker, is
Angelina Jolie growing Infant Superbeauty El Gorgeoso Baby Part II in her womb part? (
Derek Hail)
• Well,
Jennifer Lopez sure is, says her costume designer. (
GlossLip)
•
Lindsay Lohan will not be hosting a large, alcohol and drug-soaked party in Las Vegas. Well, shit. Now how are we supposed to ring in 2008? (
Yeeeah!)
•
Sienna Miller continues the true hippie spirit of free love and no bras. (
The Blemish)
• God bless
America. My bone, sweeeeeet booooonnnnne. (
Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
October 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Digging for Nuggets

• Inspiring photo montage of
Tara Reid in various stages of intoxication: the Sweaty Man-O-War, the Crotch Weeper, the Sunny Days Trailer Park Special, the Buttafuoco. (
Cityrag)
•
Teri Hatcher is a butt-picker. A picker of butts. (
Taxi Driver)
• New
Kim Kardashian sex tape footage coming soon. In your pants. Get it? Get it? Get it? Huh? Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Huh? Get it? NADS! (
The Hollywood Gossip)
•
Pamela Anderson is not pregnant, after all. Yeah, who cares, we have
J. Lo to worry about now, babe, don't bother us. (
GlossLip)
•
Hilary Duff is a serious actress. You can tell by her lacy half-leggings and erect nipples. (
The Blemish)
•
Megan Fox is 3000% more attractive without drag queen makeup. Now, if only she could wash off the David Silver with some Pond's, we'd be set. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• Wow,
Scarlett Johansson sure is ugly. Isn't she a dog? Just look at her. Yuck. Man. (
Daily Stab)
• Yikes, someone get
Pete Doherty back on the drugs, pronto. (
CelebWarship)
• Slice your wrists, get the girl.
Kate Hudson is willing to give
Owen Wilson another shot. In love. What did you think we meant? Oh, in the arm? Hahahaha, that's kind of funny. Here, take the keyboard, friend. (
Yeeeah!)
October 08, 2007
Britney Burgled!

Recently there has been a surge in celebrity burglary. Anyone who's ever been on the cover of
Us Weekly is urged to lock up their minks and their naked photos and their Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards and beef up security. Last week found Nicolas Cage the victim of
a naked burglar, and this week
Britney Spears has been hit. Our gossip bodyguard, FemaleFirst, reports:
The 25-year-old star was left in tears when she returned home from a night out at the five-star Peninsula Beverly Hills hotel at around 2am to find thieves had raided her $6 million property.
The burglars are believed to have made off with Britney's collection of raunchy homemade sex tapes as well as a selection of the singer's steamiest photographs.
Some of the uniforms Britney allegedly wears for kinky sex games and personal pictures of her sons, two-year-old Sean Preston, and one-year-old Jayden James, were also taken.
Do you think Britney actually bought herself a camera, learned how to use it, and snapped candid shots of her two oh-so-loved children, or did Sean P. and JJ's baby books consist of pics snipped from tabloids stuffed inside a couple of blank envelopes? Also, famous people, if you enjoy videotaping yourself having sex, buy a motherfucking safe and lock that shit up.
October 03, 2007
Britney Spears Does Horizontal Hula on Tape?

In today's inevitable
Britney Spears news: Britney continues her iron-fisted reign as fashion's prettiest princess by donning a
terrycloth scrunchie. Also, you might get to see some random schmoe battle whiskey dick to stuff his flaccid ding dong into her whoziewhatsit. According to
In Touch:
A guy who met Britney while she was on vacation in June has told In Touch that he made a video of them having sex — and the tape might become public. So far, the only thing, he claims, holding him back from releasing the video is that he was so disappointed by his own performance, he is embarrassed to let the rest of the world see it! The 28-year-old man, who was living on Hawaii’s Big Island at the time, says he left his camera rolling without Britney’s knowledge as they became intimate at a bungalow at the Four Seasons hotel on the Kona-Kohala Coast on June 7.
Quoth Britney's steed on his studding performance:
"It was just normal, we didn't do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out."
Is this like when dudes say, "Yeah, I dunno, I'm pretty small, like only nine and a quarter inches"? "The sex was disappointing, it lasted 25 minutes" translates to "2 and a half minutes of trying to penetrate anything that felt like a hole followed by an hour of hairstroking and sobbing 'don't hit me, Mommy.'"
UPDATE: There's an alleged still from the tape
here. You can't see any faces, which is suspect, but the really questionable part is that there are no visible dribbles down the girl's front, pleather boots from Chernin's Shoe Outlet, or weave tracks. We call foul.
more »
October 01, 2007
1 Night in Eva's Beava

For once the Unsubstantiated Rumor of the Day does not involve
Jennifer Lopez's uterus OR
Angelina Jolie buying more children from countries with funny names. Instead, we turn to
Eva Longoria and the possibility that a sex tape involving her and husband/French dude
Tony Parker exists. According to
The Sun:
Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby Tony Parker.
If the tape is genuine, it is tipped to become the biggest sex tape unearthed since Paris Hilton’s One Night In Paris.
However,
Celebitchy does not suffer fools gladly and gets to the bottom of the situation:
1. You can download a supposed clip from a torrent, but once you try and view it you have to subscribe to a site called “Celebrity Orgy” to see it.
2. No one who is reporting on this has even seen the tape.
3. The video has not been leaked yet
4. The title of the video suggests they just threw Eva’s name in there for good measure.
It’s called “Eva+Longoria+Home+Video+hot+MILF+caught+FUCKING+in+stolen+Sex+Tape”
If such a tape exists, it should be fairly easy to discern whether or not it's the real Eva and Tony. Just watch for the midget with the vulva tattoo
gently guiding the virginal French giant's penis from her belly button towards the correct orafice.
more »
September 24, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: What's Red, White, and Screwed All Over?

•
Nicole Richie in a bikini. Now with more boobs and fetus; less jutting latissimus dorsi. (
Egotastic!)
• Drummer gets pounded: Meg White sex tape? We say not her, but here's a challenge: if someone can find and send us a picture of Meg wearing the "D" necklace featured in the hump flick, we will believe. (
Derek Hail)
•
George Clooney suffering from road rash. "Road rash" to become the new "exhaustion". (
A Socialite's Life)
•
Salma Hayek laid her hot bod down, spread her sexy thighs wide, and . . . pooped out a squalling baby. Mazel tov! (
Yeeeah!)
• So now
Marcia didn't finger Jan? What a rip! (
Dlisted)
• Here are things
Lindsay Lohan has destroyed: countless bottles of Grey Goose, cars, her own career, and now, some dude's marriage. (
IMDb)
August 03, 2007
Pam Anderson: Clowned by Camera

We've long suspected that
Pamela Anderson isn't exactly Stephen Hawking or Einstein or Marilyn vos Savant. Dunno why. Dunno what it is. Just a funny hunch. As it turns out, we may not be too far off the mark. Pam recently appeared on Tom Green's internet talk show, and when a caller asked her how to break into the adult film industry, Pam answered,
"Just marry a rock star. Date a rock star and when they say there's no film in the camera, there really is!"
Well, when you're up against a staggering intellectual powerhouse like
Tommy Lee, something like this is bound to happen. "Here, honey, point your tang at the camera. Just for fun, there's no film in it."
"Okay!"
"Now let me just bring out a klieg light and put the camera on a dolly to get a nice zoom shot of you smoking my hog."
"But you said there wasn't any film in it!"
"There isn't, baby, I swear."
"Okay!"
Just a word to the wise--if he's using anything more sophisticated than a Disney Viewmaster with scenes from
Pinnochio, there's film in the camera. Has
One Tree Hill taught us nothing?
more »
July 23, 2007
Cokeheads on Film

Perennial CNW favorite
Kate Moss is shaking in her moccasins over the prospect of her doughy, clammy ex love
Pete Doherty releasing racy tapes of the couple's intimate moments. "Who gets custody of the sex tape?" is the most pressing question facing celebrities after a breakup. It's a difficult enough decision when the bust-up is amicable, but when one of the members of the couple runs on crack and heroin the way cows run on grass, it takes it to a whole different level of trainwreck.
Yeeeah! quotes the
Sun:
"There are still some bits and pieces floating about of Pete with Kate. "She has got rid of most of it. Six out of eight tapes have been destroyed. But she wanted to bury the lot before he could humiliate her by selling them or putting them on the internet. Pete could do what he wants with them." Referring to the video clips previously posted online, the source adds, "If they made that public, just think what could be on the tapes they held back."
Yeah, those previously posted clips are
here and
here and involve Kate and Pete singing a song in an attic, and then Kate and Pete singing the same song while dressed in uniforms. Soooooo, yeah. If they made that public, man, can you imagine what's on these unreleased ones? Maybe Kate and Pete singing the same song while wearing badger costumes. Or Kate and Pete singing a
different song. Racy! Anyway, do you really want to see these two going at it? He looks like a hairless, overgrown toddler. His dong probably resembles a crippled, sad mollusk trying to find a shell home. Man, that was evocative. We're deep!
more »
July 18, 2007
Sadie Frost Gets Nipply, Eva the Diva Gets Licky

We blew our "Sexy Lady Story" wad on Monday with
Paris,
Lindsay, and
Ashley, so it's only fitting that today be marked by nothing more erotic than
dogfighting busts and
Posh Spice taking the kids out for some Jack Daniels battered shrimp at
TGI Friday's. Luckily,
Taxi Driver came through with this sweet pic of Jude Law's ex,
Sadie Frost, her nipples blasting their way through a bra and a layer of cotton. And for all you little shavelings who are more
High School Musical than
Dracula, let us make things slightly more current:
America's Next Top Model alum
Eva Marcille/Pigford
may have a sex tape. Commenters on the site have helpfully pointed out that the eye color of the girl in the picture is not that same as Eva's, and the sex girl has a mole on her chin, so it's probably not her. We've conducted our own thorough analysis and research involving a graphing calculator, an abacus, and nonstop masturbation and have concluded that the the girl in the picture has a penis on her face. Thanks, just throw that physics Nobel Prize on the pile next to the others.
more »
June 20, 2007
Tyra Banks Works the Sex Tape, Fiercely

Paris Hilton performing night vision penilingus. Chyna sporting a
bigger ding dong than her dude. Screech's upper lip
turd-smear. Eve making a colossal dildo
disappear before our very eyes.
"Touch my balls and my ass." There's been a creepy lull in the celebrity sex tape scene, and nary a whisper has been heard since empty promises of
Kim Kardashian being urinated upon, but the next star to step up to the grainy, pixellated plate might just be
Ty Ty Baby Banks, her weave bobbing unsteadily above a lucky man's groin.
more »
May 24, 2007
Pam Anderson's Kids Learn About Mommy's Most Famous Film
Pam Anderson has admitted that her sons are not only aware of her image as a scantily-clad lady of sin, but also of her infamous
Tommy Lee sex tape. She recently had an interview with
The Sun:
- What do your kids think of your public image? They must be aware of it?
They're not really. They've never seen Baywatch. They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had and I said: 'There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat.' And they go: 'We know about the magazines.' So that was one gone!
We had to discuss that and I can't imagine kids their age are all watching that film but then again I live in a town where everyone's in the movie industry and their kids watch a lot more. My kids don't but I did sit down with them and watch Borat.
- What did you do while it was on?
I kind of went 'la la la la la la la' over the parts I didn't want them to hear!
- Which were?
The sex tape. Actually I did tell them, I said: 'You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. 'Everybody's naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape.' And I remember when we were watching the film and Dylan goes: 'You mean everybody has seen this?' And I said: 'Yes.'
There comes a time in every child's life when that child realizes that his mother is large-breasted sex symbol of print and film who men across the planet masturbate to, who also has a widely-distributed pornographic video involving said child's mother having all manners of intercourse with his father. Like one's first shave or first fistfight, it's a young boy's right of passage. Paul Reiser wrote about it in
Babyhood.
more »
April 13, 2007
We're Not Interested In an American Idol Sex Tape if Sanjaya Is Not Involved
American Idol's Olivia Mojica (season two) has a sex tape. You can watch a preview of the sex tape of
American Idol's Olivia Mojica
here. A source referred to the tape as "the nastiest I've ever seen." We watched it and man, it was nasty! Olivia took off her clothes. And then she said the f-word in conjunction with the p-word. And then she had intercourse with a man we presume she is not legally wedded to. Yecccch, so kinky and disgusting.
February 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: A Banjo, Some Clothing, a Gold Record

• Just a reminder:
Jennifer Love Hewitt still has
enormous bewbs.
• Those pictures of
AI's
Antonella Barba smoking some dude's dork are
fakes. But weep not, for it will still be entertaining to see the shame in her eyes as she belts out some Diane Warren song tonight.
• When we see a headline about
Paris Hilton getting
impounded, we generally take that to mean "in the butt", not her car.
•
Naomi Watts is 100%
with child. You know
Nicole Kidman is seething with jealousy.
•
Cameron Diaz's butt cleave threatens to devour her
bikini bottoms in one chomp.
• Wolfgang Puck serves up a hearty lamb-and-
hepatitis stew to half of Hollywood.
•
Dannielynn Has
Two Daddies.
•
Britney's problem might be
post-partum depression. Solution:
make Jayden James pay.
• "It was a dark and stormy night. One of my streetwalking employees just sat on
Bruce Willis's face." Breathtaking prose from a former
Hollywood madam!
•
Kate Moss continues to show excellent judgment by allowing
Pete Doherty to
move into her home. He brought with him a banjo, clothing, a gold record, and a big pile of crack.
•
Lohan's got the
DTs. Or she's just scared, whatever.
• You'll have to wait just a
little bit longer to
illegally download use your working and legitimate credit card to purchase a copy of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
•
Anna Nicole might have died from being loopy! Oh, wait, no.
Lupus.
Lupus.
February 09, 2007
"Directed by Ray J. You Know What I'm Sayin'?"

In spite of the fact that
Kim Kardashian still claims she is not behind the promotion and sale of her
Getting Crammed by Moesha's Baby Brother sex tape--in fact, she says
she's suing--more clips have been leaked today. And if these clips prove anything, it's that there is nothing in the world that is more erotic than a woman with, alternately, hair extensions glued to her gloss-gooey lips or absentmindely joggling her breasts while gnawing on a wad of gum in bed. You can check out the clips
here and
here. We're not going to host them here because her father is a hot shot fancy California lawyer, who, even though he died in 2003, would still be more than happy to get hauntingly litigious on our asses from beyond the grave. He'd appear at our door as a spectre with rattling, ghostly chains and say, "Booooooo! You've been served!" And we'd say, "A . . . a . . . a . . . g-g-g-g-ghost!" Great. Now we're going to have to sleep with the lights on tonight. Thanks a lot, Robert Kardashian as a ghost.
February 07, 2007
Kim Kardashian Getting Peed On . . . Right in Your Own Living Room

Uggggghhhh. We've been trying to ignore the hoo-ha about the
Kim Kardashian sex tape because the name of the blog is CelebNewsWire.
Celeb. As Kim Kardashian is semi-known only for risking chancre infection via a close
Paris friendship and having a father who defended O.J., she doesn't necessarily qualify. However, we thought back to the humble beginnings of Paris herself, who started her "celebrated" "career" as nothing more than the gently retarded progeny of hotel folk with a predilection for dancing on tables with her sister. And look at her now!
Besides, Kim got peed on.
more »
January 29, 2007
Paris Exposed Again, and This Time She Brings Cisco Adler Along

It's our
third straight day of Paris Exposed, just in case you were wondering about the extent to which a
Paris may be exposed. Many more pictures and documents have been spread, like Paris's storied herpes of yore, throughout the internet this weekend, and although it's impossible to feign any interest in more pictures of Paris choking on a one-hitter, we were definitely about to lift our weary eyes to the screen long enough to take a passing interest in the picture of
Cisco Adler sans clothing. The operative phrase there being "long enough", which you'll note after the not-safe-for-work (and, possibly, not-safe-for-retinas) cut.
more »
January 26, 2007
Valtrex: That's Hot!

A few more details (and
videos!) have reared their naked and fluid-filled heads in regards to the
Paris Hilton Repossessed Estate. Frankly, we're just happy that when writing about P in the future, we can go ahead and imply that she's chancre-riddled without being liars. According to
IDLYITW, the skanky bounty also includes:
* Prescription bottles for Hydrocodone, a painkiller similar to OxyContin used to manage anxiety disorders, post-party sleep aid Ambien and the herpes medication Valtrex.
* medical bill from a Los Angeles clinic, billing an "Amber Taylor" - with the same birth date as Paris - for a miscarriage in March 2003.
* A journal analyzing her booze-fueled dreams.
* Her reality TV co-star Nicole Richie's University of Arizona ID card.
* Sister Nicky's Nevada marriage certificate.
* Several bank statements, including one with an ending monthly balance of just $9.26.
* Home videos she shot of visits with her sick grandmother.
* To-do lists that include an assortment of errands, including a reminder to buy Christmas gifts.
Visits with Grandma, dream journal, bank statements, shopping lists. That could almost be the contents of your great aunt Connie's hall closet, only with more miscarriages and herpes and less crochet and pearl Kleenex box covers.
more »
January 25, 2007
"I Got F*cked in the Butt for Coke"

It's taken nearly a year for it to come to fruition, but the
Paris Hilton repossessed
storage facility crap has finally been made pubic. Public. Whatever. Gah, after poring through hours of Paris footage, plenty of which involves the eye-singeingly objectionable mug of Joe Francis and his curiously long and immobile upper lip, we're having trouble . . . making . . . tongue . . . do . . . word . . . things.
more »
January 17, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Brangelina in the Big Easy

• You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray J, or you can call me the penis in the
Kim Kardashian sex tape, but ya doesn't hafta call me
Whitney Houston's new
boy toy. Oh wait, yes you do.
• Friends think
Britney is
pregnant again because she is bloated, barfy, and "relaxed and happy". Sounds more like a few too many mangotinis to us.
•
Keith Urban is
out of rehab and on the loose! Now he can get down to the important business of realizing he has nothing in common with his
wife aside from Australianism. Divorcewatch begins now.
•
Mischakini.
•
Brad and
Angelina rescue orphans from life-threateningly dangerous foreign countries only to
move them to . . . life threateningly dangerous American cities.
• The Beckhams are coming! The
Beckhams are coming! And they're bringing
nipples!
•
Keeley Hazell seems to have
lost her dignity along with her garments.
• There will be a
formal inquest into the death of
Anna Nicole's son, around the same time she will be forced to have her baby undergo a paternity test so we can find out if the father is her glassy-eyed money-grubbing lawyer/houseboy or the frosted-tipped money-grubbing paparazzo. And then she will find out that Larry Birkhead was her brother all along, and that she has a twin who faked her death, and that she actually has been suffering from amnesia this whole time, and is a Russian czarina!
•
Halle Berry gives herself a
titty twister. Why? Shrug. Just cuz.
•
Paula Abdul explains away her recent Michael J. Foxish television appearances, and says she takes being a role model seriously. Too bad nobody else takes her seriously as a role model.
more »
January 16, 2007
Pip Pip! Tally-ho! It's Keeley Hazell's Sex Tape!

England is a weird, magical, far-off land where ring tones by be-donged cartoon frogs can become #1 on the pop charts and all the men are jug-eared, tombstone-toothed, knobby twits while all the ladies are gargantuan-breasted and of dubious fame. Although no one will ever take the place of our beloved
Jordan,
Keeley Hazell and her regulation tetherball-sized--and seemingly unaugmented--breasts are high up on the list. A personal, private sex tape involving her distributing a hearty horn-polishing to a faceless male has surfaced (Unbelievably NSFW caps and clips and cans and clits at
IDLYITW), causing men across Britain to joyously throw scones in the air, yell "cor blimey, guv'nah!" and dunk their uncircumcised penises into boiling pots of tea. That's what people do in England, right?
more »
December 28, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "Animal"

•
Diana Ross would like to give
singing lessons to
Mariah Carey and
Christina Aguilera. We can only imagine how that would go. "No, honey, more nasal! I said MORE nasal! That's too classically perfect and on-pitch, girl; could you maybe get a slightly whinier tone there?"
• James Brown died last week, and his wife, Rae Hynie, was immediately locked out of their home, as she's apparently
not his "legal" wife. Funny story, but you know what's funnier? The name "Hynie". What's funnier than that? "Hynie-Brown".
• Kim Kardashian might have a sex tape. With Brandy's brother. Who calls himself "Ray-J Jawn". Talentless rich girl engaged in coitus on video with no-name dude attached to penis? Sounds like a
recipe for superstardom!
• You will look at these pictures of
Jessica Biel forming the
camel toe in a bikini, and you will want to have sexual intercourse with her, but she would pick you up and smash you against her forehead and toss you, crumpled flat, in a pile.
•
Paris Hilton calls
Britney "Animal". Not because of her penchant for partying, but because of her red fur, proficiency at drumming, and tendency to shout "WO-MAN!"
•
Pamela Anderson dresses up as
Santa for the holidays. If Santa were a woman with staggeringly overstuffed fake breasts and flashed, panty-clad crotch. Which, we hear, is how he's usually depicted in traditional Norwegian folklore.
•
Adam Brody muses on
Bilson,
Barton; gets
munchies.
•
Kylie Minogue. She sure does
like to fuck.
•
Mr. Skin raps to the
Sun-Times about
Salma Hayek's cans and
Ali Larter's thong.
• Goddammit,
Tara, you told us that you fixed
that crap!
•
Eva Longoria says that
fame is like a hurricane. And that she'd like to maybe experience it someday, God willing. Hee hee hee hee hee.
•
Christina Aguilera bought a
shit ton of baby junk for
Puffy Diddo's newly-minted twin girls. Hopefully included amongst the gifts were a couple of new names.
November 28, 2006
Jessica Suckson Caught on Tape?
We absolutely, unequivocally believe that we are just moments away from seeing
Jessica Simpson and
Nick Lachey perform the hillbilly interpretation of sex on our very own moving-image-machine thingy. But then again, we also believe that we are a magical creature birthed of the union of a unicorn and a hallucinogenic mushroom and that we can shoot diamonds encased in fire out of our ass. So what we believe might not hold much water.
more »
November 22, 2006
Oops! . . . I Dildo'd It Again Just a Figment of Your Imagination
When celebrity couples break up we are usually reduced to crying and screaming and weeping and kicking passing puppies in the head. But when
Britney Spears and
Kevin Federline broke up we baked a twelve-layer cake, drank a case of two buck Chuck, and took the good jewels out of the vault. It was a party. But the crying and screaming et al. can now commence, as Kevin claims that no Ferderspears sex tape exists.
more »
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Know How to Learn Anything I Want to Learn."
•
Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo
nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.
•
John Mayer and
Jessica Simpson are
together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the
first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.
• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the
Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of
24. Fleshbot has their own
review. And screencaps.
•
Agent Scully had a
baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.
• Australian
Holly Valance's
nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!
•
Keira Knightley is
engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"
•
Penelope Cruz half naked for
Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?
•
Janet Jackson has made whoopee
on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?
•
Will Smith says that he and
Jada are
homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
November 20, 2006
Paris and Britney: Sisters in Sex Tapes?
Paris: Everyone knows that I'm, like, super super hot, but I just figured something out. If I stand next to people who get their clothes out of the Salvation Army drop box and can't keep their weaves on straight--like
this girl--I look even hotter.
more »
November 16, 2006
Get Saved by the Smell All Over Again for the Very First Time
Christmas is coming (haw) and if you're in a quandry in regards to what to stuff in the stockings of various family members, might we suggest a new, shrinkwrapped copy of
Saved by the Smell, the soon-to-be-released
sex tape featuring
Dustin "Screech" Diamond, his rumored
long dong, a couple of dames, and a schmear of feces on someone's upper lip? This tape has been an object of much excitement around the CNW offices, and now a brand new "trailer" has been released
here. No storied wang, but we do get to hear Screech utter the phrases "the D-Man" and "the brotherhood of the bros" and see a couple of ladies crack snacking. However, the part that interests us the most is the ad below the video player touting a "discrete adult shop". A porn store involving no calculus whatsoever? Sign us up!
November 13, 2006
Federline's Only Marketable Asset: Britney Sex Tape
It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning
Britney Spears and/or
Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and
Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.
more »
November 09, 2006
K-Fed Hoping Tao Has Full-time Babysitter
Today in
Britney news: You can stop the "analysis" you've been conducting of that supposed Britney Spears sex tape. It's a fake. But if your perversions run more toward reckless child endangerment rather than wagging wangs, then you're in luck, as
Kevin Federline is suing Britney for custody of their two children. And we're almost 87% positive that Kevin has enough tact not to resort to a Sean P./Jayden/Apple Martin sex tape for cash. 87%.
more »
November 08, 2006
Britney Spears Sex Tape! Britney Spears Sex Tape?
On most days pictures of a re-hotted
Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e.
her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also
lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!
more »
November 07, 2006
Paris's Parents' Sex Tape Pride
You thought it was odd when your parents said they were so proud of you after you rode the school bus by yourself. You thought it was stranger yet when they proclaimed their pride after you fouled up your lines in your church's Christmas pageant and said, "Unto you a child is burned!" But
Paris Hilton's got you beat--nothing makes Rick and Kathy Hilton beam with pride quite like their eldest daughter's X-rated undercover sex video.
more »
November 06, 2006
ScarJo BloJo?
Celebrity sex tapes: not just a fad for also-rans and F-listers anymore. No, friends, esteemed thespian
Dustin "Screech" Diamond and his
Dirty Sanchez have elevated the previously mockable medium to a legitmate art form, and now even silver screen heavyweights are getting in on the action. Like . . . maybe . . .
Scarlett Johansson? Possibly? Mayhaps?
more »
September 28, 2006
Screech Sex Tape: The Leaking Begins
Yesterday we brought you the tale of
Screech and the Dirty Sanchez. Today
TMZ has tape. Of course the clip they have is so tame even the word "poop" is censored. But there is a shot of
Dustin Diamond in a candle-lit bubble bath to get your panties creaming. Or your bile bubbling. Whichever.
more »
September 27, 2006
Oh, Screech, Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhh!
As the celebrity-sex-tape market gets glutted, our sensitivities become numb.
Scott Stapp and Kid Rock getting blown by groupies while bro-ing down backstage? Eh, kind of gross.
O.J. Simpson getting nasty on tape and letting his conquest get away alive? Mildly shocking. But not since we were subjected to
Chyna's engorged clitoris/teeny teeny weenis have we been so frightened by the prospect of seeing a "celebrity" getting their nuts toasted on camera. And just why are we so frightened, you ask? Because of these five words:
Dustin Diamond, threeway, dirty sanchez.
more »
September 12, 2006
1 Night in Lachey
Perhaps you are the world's biggest
Jessica Simpson and/or
Vanessa Minnillo fan and your heart yearns to view these chaste, ripe young things engaged in triple-X action. Or, possibly, you are obsessed with the dreamy blue eyes of
Nick Lachey, spending your days cutting his face out of Bop magazine and pasting it atop the models of the International Male catalog. Well, guess what? You're S.O.L., because the dude is not planning on making a Paris Hilton style sex tape with his ex or present love anytime soon.
more »
June 08, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Six Times in Two Hours
•
Heath Ledger got
squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!
• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of
mom,
dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra
here.
• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from
Lindsay Lohan's
firecrotch.
• Speaking of Lindsay, she
incurred the fiery wrath of
Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.
•
Elle MacPherson is still a
foxy MacPerson.
•
Nicole Richie, mad with hunger,
throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?
•
Jessica Alba pulls a
Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with
tape. Son of a bitch.
•
Katherine Heigl wants to show off her
Grey's Anatomy on a
sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.
• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes
Mariah's
nipples hard.
• Chris "
alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the
beard that
Topher Grace just shaved off.
June 05, 2006
The (Baby)Juice is Loose!
The celebrity sex tape is a no-win situation. Sure, you'd like to see your favorite famous person having 100% actual totally real sexual intercourse on camera in a medium you can watch in the comfort of your own home. However, the stars who have actually filmed and distributed tapes aren't exactly the cream of the crop. Sure,
Pam Anderson is exciting enough, but watching her bobble atop the meat tubes of various sundry '80s pap-rockers kind of ruins the experience. Today, a new tape has been released featuring O.J. Simpson and we never thought we'd say it, but it's making us look fondly on the
Tom Sizemore tape.
more »
March 01, 2006
New Book Alleges Fonda Made Turner Her Bitch
She's Fonda threesomes, and she'll Turner him over to administer a hearty rogering. Last names gain new hilarity as author Allan MacDonell, in his new book
Prisoner of X, writes of viewing a sex tape involving
Jane Fonda, then-husband Ted Turner, a random woman, and a strap-on.
more »
February 20, 2006
Paris Films Her Cooch. Again.
Yada yada yada . . .
Paris Hilton sex tape . . . lesbian . . . Playboy Playmate . . . blah blah blah . . . Is this story even necessary at this point? Shouldn't we just assume that Paris has made sex tapes with everyone from Snuffleupagus to Yakov Smirnoff?
more »
February 16, 2006
With Legs Wide Open, Under the Sunrise
If you were to ask us to make a list of two celebrities we'd want to see together in a sex tape, "
Kid Rock and Scott Stapp" would fall somewhere between "Biz Markie and Carol Channing" and "Harvey Weinstein and a bag of fat sucked out of Star Jones's neck". But alas, nightmares have become reality. Safe for work preview after the jump.
more »
January 11, 2006
Wanna See Colin Farrell's Weiner? Too Friggin' Bad
When you arrived home from work last night we bet you cracked open a can of Fancy Feast for Mr. Winkles, popped a Lean Cuisine entree into the microwave for yourself, and then got on the internet and went directly to DirtyColin.com with hopes of filling your long evening with nothing but
Alexander cock. And when you got there you waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and nothing happened. You never got a peek at Colin's Dirk Diggler dick. And then you cried.
more »
December 20, 2005
Britney's Tarnished Reputation Worth Ten Mil
We saw
Britney & Kevin: Chaotic; we know that somewhere, hidden beneath baby Sean's jars of pureed Cheetos and fried chicken, there is a sex tape. And finally we have discerned the advantage in not being on the
Us Weekly payroll (other than not getting the shit beaten out of us by Cameron Diaz, of course): When we talk about a probable
Brit and
Kev sex tape, only a couple of skeevy old pervs pay attention. When
Us Weekly talks about it, they get sued.
more »
October 28, 2005
Paris Hilton: "I've Never Met Tom Sizemore. Also, I've Never Starred in Amateur Porn."
We have never believed one single word that has come out of the mouth of
Paris Hilton. Whenever she said, "That's hot," we thought, "That's not even as hot as a polar bear screwing a penguin." And to our knowledge she has never said, "My cooch smells like a year-old bag of Doritos." That we would believe. So whatever crap she's spewing today about whether or not she met and/or boinked
Tom Sizemore pretty much sounds like "Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" to us.
more »
October 25, 2005
Paris Hilton's Port-a-Porkin'; Plus, Liesmore 'bout Sizemore
After its engagement-induced period of relative hibernation,
Paris Hilton's vagina is hungry once again. Hungry for Greeks bearing gifts. Penile gifts.
more »
October 19, 2005
Paris Pleads Sizemorean Ignorance
Paris Hilton wants you to know that although she may have banged
Nick Carter, Rick Salomon, Jason Shaw,
Simon Rex, Deryck Whibley,
Vincent Gallo (deep breath, deep breath),
Paris Latsis, and
Stamos Nachos, she's gotta draw the line somewhere, and that somewhere is
Tom Sizemore. However, we feel that Paris may have found some sort of handy carnal loophole--maybe she means that she dorked his
phony baloney in lieu of an actual flesh-to-flesh liaison.
more »
October 05, 2005
Britney and Kevin Sex Tape: File Under "Comedy"
Like the rest of you, we watched
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic with a combination of fear, revulsion, glee, confusion, and explosive diarrhea. Like you, we thought to ourselves, "Selves, it is a possibility--nay, a
given--that these two mental pygmies have one or two or thirty sex tapes hanging around their home, most likely not well-hidden." Well, we're all a bunch of regular Encyclopedia Browns and Flossie Bobbseys because we were right! Oh, God help us. We were
right.
more »
August 19, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Sizemore Schtups for All to See
• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed
Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.
• Are
Sienna and
Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his
little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.
• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes,
you have a shot with
Jessica Alba!
• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today,
the former is confirmed.
• The first time
Goldie Hawn and
Kurt Russell had sex, it was
an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!
• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.
• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.
• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.
August 04, 2005
Anna Nicole Smith: Hollywood Weiner Inspector
We haven’t yet adequately expressed our deep love and admiration for
Anna Nicole Smith. Anyone who has read her column in
The National Enquirer knows why she is so loved. Part of it is written by her dog, for Liberace’s sake.
Mariah Carey may just have to scooch over on that pedestal we erected (hehe, erected!) for her and make room for Anna Nicole. And if Anna Nicole succeeds in her quest to get
Colin Farrell to give her a private screening of
his sex tape, Mariah’s gonna have to get caught in a threeway with
Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell to regain the top spot in our hearts.
more »
July 21, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Tom and Katie Search Mythical Cabbage Patch for Baby
•
Colin Farrell gets restraining order against
Nicole Narain--he's afraid that pesky
sex tape will harm his "reputation and career". His reputation is that of a serial ass-tapper; his last movie was
Alexander. Dude has nowhere to go but up.
• Joss Stone has
a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!
• Scotty's remains are
going to be beamed up FOR REAL.
•
Journalists dish all:
Tom Cruise is creepy,
Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!
•
Angelina and new baby Zahara
enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.
• If you're friends with
Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off,
churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.
•
Tom and
Katie "
can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.
• Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The
Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with
Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.
July 19, 2005
Farrell Prevents Playmate Ex From Peddling Pork Tape
For the moment, legendary Hollywood greasewad/cocksman
Colin Farrell has cast aside his dreams of
boffing an octogenarian to concentrate on more important things, like preventing his sex tape with
Playboy Playmate
Nicole Narain from seeing the light of day. 158% of heterosexual men would be awfully proud of such a tape, so one can only assume that Mr. Farrell posesses something that he doesn't want the public to see. Like a vestigial tail. Or a Wham! tattoo. Not that we know anything about Wham! tattoos or anything. God, we fucking miss Andrew Ridgeley.
more »
June 29, 2005
Eve Responds to the Sex Tape We Showed You LAST FRIDAY
Remember when we brought you the
videotape of rapper Eve getting a faux dong slammed into her secret special lady-place? You may have to think back pretty far, since we brought it to you
last Friday, long before any other blogs or sites. Because we are
champs. At any rate,
Eve is none too pleased, and she has issued a statement in regards to this sex tape. You know, the one we showed you last Friday.
more »
June 24, 2005
E-V-E Shows V-A-G
Take our hand, won't you, and come with us on a trip in the Way-Back Machine. Hold on tight now--we're heading clear back to the 20th century, to a little year called 1999. America was mourning the Columbine tragedy, Clinton was still getting bjs in the White House,
American Beauty was topping the box office, a sexy young upstart named
Ricky Martin was setting the world alight with his infectious brand of Puerto Rican-flavored pop, and rapper
Eve took on a very large dildo on videotape. WHAZZZAAAAAP!
more »
June 08, 2005
Tom Sizemore: Saving Private Ryan and Showing Private Parts
Oh God. Oh heavenly lordy God. No. Please,
please.
OK, listen. This whole "celebrity sex tape" rumpus
has got to end now. Right now. We never thought we'd call for a terminus on naked famous people on film, but that was before we heard the whispers of the existance of a Tom Sizemore sex tape.
Fred Durst getting his balls and his ass touched seems like taking 'luudes and enjoying cotton candy while riding on the back of a unicorn in comparison to the idea of seeing Tom Sizemore's furry, clenched buns.
more »
February 28, 2005
Stiff Bizkit
We know we've been a little slow in bringing you coverage of the whole Fred Durst sex tape debacle. The truth of the matter is that we learned about it Friday morning like the rest of the internet, but after viewing the offending clip, we became as shell-shocked as we were after our tour in 'Nam. We spent the entire weekend holed up in a basement closet, weeping, straddling a tenuous line between reality and some sort of unspeakable Durstian hell. After taking four baths in undiluated bleach, we're feeling a little better, and ready to bring you the dish.
more »
January 06, 2005
Paris Steals Her Own Sex Video
She authorizes the mass release of her hump tape, she happily purchases a copy with cameras flashing, then she tries to stop a video store from selling it, and finally, she steals a copy. We may never understand the mercurial, complex being that is Paris Hilton.
more »
December 23, 2004
Trading Fluids?
Celebrity sex tapes aren't limited to hotel hussies and 'roid-riddled rasslers anymore, no sir. Why, rumor has it that even
Trading Spaces cutie Paige Davis has hitched her hornwagon to the homemade porn train!
more »
December 17, 2004
Copulation Proves Too Much Work for Paris
We all know that Heiress Paris would never sully her billion-dollar paws on any sort of physical labor, but it now appears that even schtupping is proving to be an insurmountable task to our skanky heroine.
more »
December 15, 2004
Sex, Steroids, and Videotape Part II: Electric Boogaloo
So WWE wrestler Chyna's sex tape has been released, and in case you've been living under a rock or on a commune in Montana or are Amish or something, there's a . . . surprise.
more »
December 08, 2004
Finally, A Celebrity Sex Tape We Can All Enjoy
Paris Hilton has committed many crimes in her short time in the spotlight -- mostly of the fashion or grammar variety -- but this just might be the worst: Paris has inspired Jeremy Irons to make his own sex tape. (Pause for collective "Ewww.")
more »
December 06, 2004
Sex, Steroids, and Videotape
So. Say you consider yourself a connoisseur of celebrity hump tapes. Say you enjoyed
1 Night in Paris but, while viewing, thought to yourself, "Gee, self, this is nice and all, but wouldn't it be great if Paris were a little more . . . you know . . . manly?" Well, wish no further, because a sex video featuring the gynocological stylings of the WWE's Chyna is on its way!
more »