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filed under: celebrity parents

November 20, 2008

Jon Voight Is Still Delusional

jon_voight_angelina_jolie.jpg Can we pass some sort of law that requires Jon Voight to wear a muzzle? Fuck energy independence; that's what this country really needs. OK! magazine reports (via Celebitchy):
“The twins! Holy smokes…I’m hoping, so we’ll see,” he tells OK!. Voight and daughter, Angelina Jolie, have had an infamously estranged relationship in recent years. And while the two are reportedly trying to mend their broken bond, the actor has yet to meet his twin grandchildren.

“I think she’s very happy,” Voight tells OK!. “I saw her here before the twins came, and she was so happy. I’ve never seen her that happy. And she’s got this beautiful film with Clint [Eastwood] out, so there’s going to be a lot of energy around that one as well.”
We believe Jon Voight about as much as we believe anonymous sources who blab to the Enquirer. He might as well be saying, "I saw their personal family photos (in People magazine), and I even know their middle names. I am so on the inside of this thing. I know way more about Cox and Valentine than you do." more »
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October 29, 2008

Britney Spears Will Never Make Her Own Decisions Again

Britney Yikes this hat is ugly1.jpg It's probably a good thing that Britney Spears never bothers showing up to court when she's being sued, prosecuted, stripped of her rights, etc., because if she did girl wouldn't have time for anything else. She would spend more time in a courtroom than Ally McBeal. We stole that joke from Jay Leno. Funny, right? Anyhoo, this time Brit is being permanently placed under a conservatorship. Reports TMZ:
Lawyers in the Britney Spears conservatorship case have just asked the court commissioner to make her conservatorship permanent. And the judge said she would grant the request.

The conservatorship was scheduled to end on December 31.

Sources say one reason why Brit & Co. wanted to extend the conservatorship is that it makes it easier for her to regain custody of her kids -- the family law commissioner will feel more comfortable giving her added face time if there is a safety net.

The conservators will now also be responsible for handling her business affairs and career opportunities.

As for why they suddenly asked for a permanent conservatorship -- we're told the commish doesn't want to keep extending temporary power...that it makes more sense to make the conservatorship permanent and then just lift it when Brit is safe and sound.

Under the permanent conservatorship a medical team will oversee Britney's career to make sure what she does will not compromise her mental health.

The commish said, "The conservatorship is necessary and appropriate for the complexity of financial and business entities and her being susceptible to undue influence."
So does this make Britney a ward of the state? We're thinking that might be a good thing, mostly because the word ward makes us think of things like Ward Cleaver, Montgomery Ward, and TV's Robin, Burt Ward. And all of those things are sort of calming, as they've brought joy to scads and scads of old people throughout the years, and Britney could definitely use a good dose of calm in her life. more »
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September 04, 2008

Britney Spears: VMA Appearer, Teen Sex Haver

britney_spears_bubble_gum.jpg It's now time to check in on the non-bikini-ensconced life of one Ms. Britney Jean Spears. Where will life find her today? Doing laundry and changing diapers like any typical mother of two toddlers? Probably not. Planning her 1,278th comeback? Now you're talking. Our girl will once again be opening the MTV Video Music Awards, airing this Sunday. Brit said in a statement:
MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I'm excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.
And according to TMZ, Brit won't sing or dance at the awards, but that's not so shocking. She didn't actually sing or dance during her performance last year either, so maybe Spears will end up hitting the stage. Semantics. We're sort of hoping that Brit will appear onstage in a straight jacket, her polyester hair all wild and disheveled. That, or she should come out in manpris and cornrows as a tribute to early Kevin Federline and the beginning of her own decline.

And speaking of men who have visited Brit's clam chute, her mommy claims Britney was humping like mad at fourteen. According to our gossip baby mama, FemaleFirst:
Britney Spears had sex at 14 and started taking drugs aged 15, according to her mother.

Lynne Spears' shocking revelations also include claims Britney began drinking at 13 and was introduced to drugs when she went to Los Angeles to record her first hit.

The 'Toxic' singer was even allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former pop star boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says in her book 'Through the Storm' her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old American football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood, Louisiana, for a year before becoming a teen pop star.

Lynne admits she allowed Britney, aged 16, to sleep with Justin.

A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "Lynne thought Britney was in love and Justin was good for her."
Does Lynne expect us to be shocked that she has a room in her house equipped with a deluxe king-size pillowtop and lots and lots of lube with a sign on the door that says "Teen Sex Room"? Cause we are. Shocked. Outraged. Appalled. But most of all just wishing that we could go back in time and implant our little fetal self in Lynne Spears's womb. Sure, the genetic crazy would be tough, but that teen sex room sounds awesome. Way better than the Panasonic and Barcalounger room of our teen years. more »
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July 14, 2008

Move Over Shiloh; You've Got Some Competition

angelina_jolie_pregnant_and_scary.jpg We've been gypped. Somewhere along the line some lonely blogger with a neglected boner heard the words "Angelina Jolie" and "twins" and immediately started to resurrect his very detailed Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield fantasies, only with poutier lips and billions more dollars. And somehow that rumor spread, until everyone on the interwebs thought it was fact that the Jolie-Pitt kiddies would pop out sans baby wieners. Not so. Angie was cut open on Saturday, and one messianic boy and one female bundle of perfection were pulled out. Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline now join the ranks of Max and Emme Anthony and Phinnaeus and Hazel not-Roberts as A-list mixed-sex twins. Way to go, Angie. We thought you had more individuality in you. Like maybe you'd blow everyone's minds and birth twin raccoons named Bandit and Scamp. Brad really has turned you conventional.

You may be racked with sadness over the missed opportunity to polish off you old Olsen twins countdown-to-legal-twincest calendar for a greater purpose, but you know who's even sadder about this birth than you? Jon Voight. Sure, as soon as he heard the announcement during a Living Lohan commercial break on E! he was on the phone with every press contact in his Rolodex (which by the way looks like this: New York Daily News, New York Post, People, Star, Us Weekly, James Van Der Beek, and a couple of pages marked "Angie" and "James" with the contact info left blank). He gushed and gushed about how happy he was for his daughter, telling The Insider:
"I'm over the moon - it's magnificent. In this world, all we can hope for is that mommy and the kids are healthy. I'm very excited. If I were called today, I'd be there."
We're pretty sure that as soon as that phone call ended he cried into his Hungry Man dinner. But we can't really feel sorry for him. We're guessing that if that call from Angelina ever comes, Jon will equip himself with high-tech hidden cameras a la a John Stossel investigation and sell the footage to Access Hollywood. more »
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June 30, 2008

LiLo's Half Sis--Figment of Daddy's Attention-Seeking Imagination?

lindsay lohan karate chop.jpg By now you've heard the story that broke late Friday about Lindsay Lohan possibly having an illegitimate thirteen-year-old half sister. Our question to you is, did Michael Lohan make up the whole thing to get the publicity? (What "projects" he needs to publicize we have no idea.) And if so, did he hold a casting call to find the perfect mini Lindsay, referring not to his precious memories and photographs of his dear daughter, as he probably has none, but instead to a Tivo'd airing of The Parent Trap on ABC Family to find the best lookalike?
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June 25, 2008

Keira Knightley + Mom = One Hot Sex Scene

Keira Knightley pouts.jpg It's looking like the promotion for the Dylan-Thomas-and-a-couple-of-hot-lesbians movie The Edge of Love, which doesn't open in the U.S. until this fall, is going to last longer than the spirit-crushing onslaught of Sex and City hype. Every day this week it's been Keira Knightley this, Sienna Miller that. And we're just as excited as anyone to see them get it on, but hearing them talk about nudity and their hot sex scenes every day knowing we won't actually see any of it for months is a bigger tease than a Christian high-school cheerleader. Today's dish involves Keira revealing that she's, like, totally not grossed out that her mommy wrote her sex scene. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Actress Keira Knightley was happy to film a sex scene for her new movie "The Edge of Love," even though her mother wrote the naked romp.

Knightley's mom, Sharman Macdonald, penned the movie's screenplay. She also served as a producer on the project.

Knightley insists that knowing her mother is capable of writing about steamy clinches didn't faze her and she was happy to strip off wherever necessary.

She says, "She dared to put a sex scene in it. It didn't worry me that my mother knows what sex is.

"Come to think of it, I was found under an apple tree. My mother is a virgin. I had no hissy fits when she presented me with the scene."
From what we know of Keira "Tits" Knightley, we're guessing that she and her mom don't exactly have an uptight relationship. We wouldn't be surprised if Keira's bedtime stories as a tot weren't The Little Engine That Could and Goodnight Moon but The Story of O and the collected works Henry Miller. more »
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June 09, 2008

Jamie Spears To KFed: "Do My Daughter Again, I'll Give You Millions"

kevin federline britney spears laughs.jpg We know that living with Britney Spears isn't exactly akin to spending the day at Six Flags. Sure, there's probably an equivalent amount of ice-cream topped elephant ears, warm pork rinds, and overflowing toilets, but the water rides aren't nearly as fun. So we can understand Kevin Federline's reluctance to accept Daddy Spears's bribe to move back into the Brit pit (and, yes, we do mean both her home and her cooze coaster). According to Dlisted:
Brit Brit Spears has never loved a tool the way that she's loved KFed and Daddy Spears knows this. That's why he's offered KFed $4.5 million to remarry Brit so says Star Magazine.

A source said that Daddy Spears has been trying to get KFed back in Brit's life for a long ass time now. He's been in negotiations with KFed while keeping it from Brit.

The source went on to say that Daddy's latest offer to KFed is $4.5 million. I hope he's not dipping into Brit's frapp fund. That wouldn't be funny. The source said, “His latest offer is $4.5 million in cash and a trust account set up with another $5 million if Kevin moves back in with Britney within a year. If they actually remarry, Jamie will add another $5 million to Kevin’s account.”

KFed is playing hard ball and he wants $20 million and refuses to sign a prenup when they remarry.
Why would Kevin consider such a proposition? If he stays away from Britney, he has control of the kids, he has his own house (which is presumably free of piles of dog shit in the corners), he gets loads and loads of money every month to rear the little'uns, and he doesn't have to live with Britney. Plus, when Sean P. says "Mommy doesn't have any panties," he won't have to listen to Britney's inevitable grammar correction: "No, no, honey, it's Mommy don't got none." more »
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May 12, 2008

Kim Cattrall Returns for Sex and the Titty

kim cattrall falls down.jpg It feels like the Sex and the City movie has been in theaters for about six months now, with all the hype surrounding it, but in reality it won't be released until May 30th. So get ready for three weeks of publicity overdrive, with all the main players talking constantly about everything sexy and city-y. Hopefully this media blitz won't include Sarah Jessica Parker reflecting on the conception of James Wilke and whether or not the phrase "fill me up" was involved. What we do have is Kim Cattrall gushing about her self-induced gushings and her movie nude scene, as well as Kim's mom telling everyone how proud she is of her nudie offspring. Our gossip nudist camp counselor, FemaleFirst, reports on the clitty diddling:
Kim Cattrall says masturbating from a young age is the secret to a successful sex life.

She said: "The earlier you learn to masturbate, the better your sex life will be. It took me years of self-discovery to get there - I even read books by sex therapists and stood naked in front of a mirror to try to learn how to get in touch with my body.

"Experimenting at an early age would have provided me with a basis for a more fulfilling sexual relationship."
And about the booby baring:
Kim Cattrall dieted and exercised to prepare for her nude scene in 'Sex and the City: The Movie'.

The 51-year-old actress was very nervous about the raunchy sequence, and made sure she did everything she could to look her absolute best.

She said: "I exercised and I dieted. I wanted to look the best I could.

"For me, turning 50 is like when I turned 40. I thought, 'Oh, can I be a sex symbol? Can I play this character? Can I do this?' And I just sort of thought to myself, 'Yes I can.' I will diet, I will make my a** do what I want it to do."
And Mommy Cattrall muses:
Kim is a role model for 50-something women. Much has been made about her nudity in the film, but I think she looks fabulous. Anyone who knocks that is jealous. All this fuss about a bit of nudity is ridiculous.
Thanks for the spoilers, ladies. Now we know that Kim Cattrall will be naked in the movie and all the suspense is gone for us. What are you going to tell us next, that Carrie wears really ugly clothes? more »
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April 17, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Forsakes Father, Baby Jesus

michael and lindsay lohan father.jpg After Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab that one time, she was seen somewhere in the vicinity of her father, Michael, a few times, she in her leggings, he in his turtleneck. But since then we don't think the father and daughter have so much as shared air in the same state. Yet Michael is constantly calling up Ben Widdcombe or some such, bragging about all the great projects he has lined up and how Lindsay is "so excited" to help him in his endeavors. Yet in reality, we're guessing that Linds doesn't even remember her dad's first name. "I think it's Mitchell or something. He was in jail once. I know that." Still, In Touch and other "news sources" buy into his E.B. White-level fairy tales of his perfect daddy-daughter relationship (with the marketable one, of course; that other girl was ceded to Dina years ago). Actually, E.B. White was far more believable. We saw a talking pig at McDonald's this morning when we were picking up our McGriddle. Says the mag:
Lindsay Lohan may soon be volunteering her time — and it’s not part of her parole. According to Lindsay’s dad, the recovering party girl has signed up to do missionary work with Times Square Church Missions. “She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along,” Michael Lohan tells In Touch of their plans. “Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims.” Michael, an ex-con-turned-youth minister, says that Lindsay, 21, is also considering other international missions. “Lindsay’s very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable,” Michael tells In Touch.
Yet hollywood.tv counters:
LINDSAY LOHAN has laughed off her father MICHAEL's claims she is planning to work as a missionary in India.

Born again-Christian Michael told a U.S. tabloid the star was eager to join him on a trip to the country next February (09) with New York's Times Square Church Missions.

He said, "Our trip encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping AIDS victims. She (Lindsay) has made it clear she definitely wants to come along."

But Lohan Jr. has shot down the claims, with her representative telling the New York Daily News, "Per Lindsay, this isn't true."
Or, in Lindsay's words: "Missionary? Oh, no no no. I'm reverse cowgirl all the way."
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March 31, 2008

Kate Beckinsale Keeps Her Knockers Covered--for the Children

Kate Beckinsale looks at her butt.jpg Kate Beckinsale doesn't want to whip out her Beckinboobs anytime soon so as not to upset her pre-adolescent daughter. That makes perfect sense. One should always wait until their offspring is at least in high school before flashing funbags on film. It's just proper manners. Contact Music reports (via Celebitchy):
Kate Beckinsale has vowed never to appear naked in a movie, after she was bullied at school when her actress mum stripped on TV. The episode traumatised Beckinsale - whose mother is veteran British TV star Judy Loe - and she is determined not to subject her nine-year-old daughter Lily to the same humiliation. She tells AOL Movies, “My mum was an actress, and she did a nude scene on television when I was about 9 or 10, and the crisis I had when everyone came to school the next day and told me they’d seen my mother naked just makes me kind of, you know … I’m not in a big rush to do that to my child. “She’s embarrassed enough that I’m an actress at all, without me being naked as well.”
Aw, poor Kate. It must have been a blow to her fragile emerging self-esteem for all the boys to ignore her flat chest and brag about seeing her mom's mams. It sure is a good thing that Kate's daughter will never have to deal with such trauma, because that would be truly devastating . . . wait, what's that? Kate's casabas have already been captured on celluloid for all to see? Drats. Foiled again. But yay! Boobies! more »
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March 13, 2008

Britney Spears Misses Her Exciting Frappuccino-Hunting Lifestyle

britney spears and justin timberlake.jpg Aside from finally landing a job and being stalked by a dildo, Britney Spears has been pretty much MIA lately. She hasn't caused any paparazzi car crashes, we haven't heard rumors about the occupation of her womb in at least a week, and we have no idea whether or not she's been able to keep to her waxing schedule under Daddy's rule. It's because girl is grounded. Jamie Spears is earning his $2500 a week by going all Dollanganger on Brit and locking her in the house. According to OK!:
For the last six weeks, Britney Spears has essentially been grounded by her daddy, Jamie Spears, in a desperate measure to save her life. Of course, there are worse places to be holed up than her $7.2 million, 7,400-square-foot Mediterranean-style villa in Studio City.

As part of her dad's restrictions, the 26-year-old is no longer allowed to hit the night clubs in L.A., hang out with her paparazzi pals or make frequent, erratic stops at gas stations, fast-food joints and public bathrooms. A friend of the the singer tells OK! that Brit recently snuck a text message to them saying, "I'm so bored. I hate my life."

Now, a typical day with Britney includes spending hours alone in her bedroom, which a frequent visitor to the home tells OK! is "like a princess' room with several walk-in closets and a spa tub, plus a long counter where she used to keep all her wigs."

Jamie, who stays in a room downstairs, leaves his daughter alone when she's in her private suite. And since she's no longer allowed to go out, the pop star now spends hours in front of the mirror trying on different outfits.

"Changing clothes all day long must seem harmless enough, so her dad doesn't interfere with that," a friend of Britney explains to OK!. "She'll change three or four times on days when she's not leaving the house."

Some of those clothes include "fat clothes" that Britney likes to wear when she's feeling bloated or out of shape. Friends say the singer keeps a secret closet stocked with these loose-fitting garments for just these occasions.

One thing visitors to Britney's home are surprised to discover is that the seemingly scatterbrained star keeps a clean house. "Her life may seem out of control, but the inside of her house is very ordered," a friend of the singer tells OK!. "She's very clean and has no clutter."

An even bigger surprise inside the house — a shrine to ex boyfriend, Justin Timberlake!

Sources tell OK! that few people have seen Brit's collection of private mementos from her years with the pop superstar. "She's obsessed with him," the source reveals. "She has pictures of them together and has devoted a private area just to celebrate him."
Can you blame the girl? Since she broke up with Justin, she married a sleezy backup dancer who has since won the world's sympathy, went to rehab a couple of times, shaved her head, went to a mental hospital a few times, got a succession of extremely budget weaves, had a couple of kids that she doesn't get to see, and had her life taken over by her daddy. Maybe she's spending those hours holed up in her room studying episodes of Rocky & Bullwinkle trying to figure out how Mr. Peabody made the Wayback Machine. 2000's gotta be looking pretty good to her right about now. more »
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February 12, 2008

Britney Spears's Family Dedicated to Her Earning Potential Mental Recovery

britney testing for rain.jpg You know what sounds like a super duper stupendous steller truly awesome idea? Britney Spears going on a world tour. And you know why that sounds like such an excellent idea? Because we are super mean and love pain and suffering. No, that's not true. We only wish the best for Britney; if we were talking about Paris Hilton, we'd be reveling in her pain and suffering. With Britney though, we just hope that the tour makes a stop in Alaska, where Britney will don a parka for the very first time in her life and she'll fall in love with the tundra and decide to move there and become a moose herder or something. Then maybe she'd find peace. But Ma and Pa Kettle, a.k.a. Brit's parents, think touring, a.k.a. probably the thing that made her crazy in the first place, would be perfect for Britney right now. According to Page Six:
IT looks like Britney Spears' family will do anything to get her away from her "friends" Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib - including putting the pill-popping poptard on tour. The buzz at the Grammys was that Spears' newfound focus on her dancing is preparation for a world tour. Britney "will be leaving the country in the next few weeks," a source confided to Page Six. "She'll train in privacy for a month, then go on a global tour."
You know what else would be a really good idea? Have someone knock up Britney so she can go through postpartum depression again. That would be really helpful to her recovery.
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February 04, 2008

Sylvester Stallone Will Not Let His Mom Fondle His Butt

sylvester stallone deformed monster.jpg We've gotten so down lately, focusing on the rehabbing, the hospitalization, the death, the lost babies. It's been almost too much for us. So thank you, Sly Stallone, for reminding us why we fell in love with the celebrity gossip game in the first time. Because every once in a while, in hopes of selling more tickets to their latest motion picture, a star will talk about his mom feeling up his ass. Or not feeling up his ass as the case may be. Our own personal tarot thrower, FemaleFirst, reports:
Sylvester Stallone won't let his 'rumpoligist' mother "read his butt".

The 61-year-old action star's mother Jackie pioneered the practice, which involves predicting a person's future by 'reading' their backside, but he refuses to let her look at his bottom in case it has "an unhappy ending".

He said: "My mother has led a very colourful life. Besides being a one-time trapeze artist, she is the first woman I can recall who had a televised bodybuilding show in Washington in the 50s. She's a world class astrologist, palmist and yes, she did invent rumpology.

"Yes, we do have a close relationship but I will not allow her to read my butt because the story may have an unhappy ending!"

Jackie, 86, claims rumpology was practiced by Babylonians and Indians in ancient times, although she has failed to produce any historical evidence.

She believes she can learn a person's past by studying their left buttock, and their future by looking at the right.
And if she looks straight into the asshole she will see the face of your one true love.
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October 01, 2007

Michael Lohan to Cure Lindsay--or at Least Report Her Every Move to the Daily News

lindsay and a ciggy.jpg Celebrity rehabs don't seem like the most effective places. But maybe the one treating Lindsay Lohan has stumbled on a winning idea: if they can't cure you in two months, they'll lock you away in the middle of nowhere for a couple of days with the person who caused all your dependency issues in the first place. A grand idea. It's sure to be a success. IMDB reports:
Lindsay Lohan will be spending five days of "quality time" with her father Michael next week - in a secret location away from her Utah rehabilitation clinic, according to reports. The Just My Luck actress, 21, checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah in early August to seek counseling following two drunk driving charges earlier this year. Her mother Dina Lohan recently insisted the star's third stint in rehab will not be coming to an end any time soon, despite reports to the contrary, and now ex-convict Michael says he will be whisking Lindsay away as part of the rehab center's out-patient therapy program. He tells the New York Daily News, "I'm looking forward to spending the next week with her. We've been in constant phone contact. She's in a great, great place now. I've never heard her so honest, contrite and focused. Lindsay is weeding out all the bad. She's taking a step back and reevaluating her life. What she tells - her honesty and openness - has brought me to tears. It's beyond words how proud I am of her." And Michael - who has become an ordained minister since being released from jail in March - hopes his visit will encourage Lindsay to kick her drug and alcohol addictions completely, because of his own experiences with illegal substances. A source says, "They believe Michael's the best person for Lindsay to be with now. Not only is he her dad - someone with her best interests at heart - but he's also someone who successfully turned his own life around after battling substance abuse."
We're not saying that Michael Lohan is a bad person--we've never seen him handing out crack lollipops at a pre-school or anything--but do you think that maybe he's not the best person to babysit Lindsay straight out of rehab, seeing as he seems to be the root of her fucked-up-ness? That's kind of like saying to a young Johnny Depp, "You're having bad dreams? Why don't you go spend a week in the wilderness with this nice man in the striped sweater. Don't be afraid of his knife fingers; they're harmless."
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July 18, 2007

Britney and Mommy Get Slappy

britney spears pink hair yorkiejpg.jpg Girl fight! Girl fight! Incestuous girl fight! more »
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June 29, 2007

Britney Mama Jama Drama Rama . . . Bomba Llama?

britney spears and mom.jpg "Hey, Mom, thanks for trying to help me stop taking drugs and drinking till I puke and flashing my poon in everyone's faces. But you know what? I like drugs. And drinking. And puking. And my poon. So you can just f off, and here are the legal papers to make sure you can never talk to me or see me again. Love, Britney." more »
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June 22, 2007

Britney Spears Has Mommy Issues

britney wears stained shirt.jpg How do you tell your mom you love her and thank her for birthing you and helping you through that breakup with Justin and teaching you how to change a poopy diaper and then, after realizing that you were just throwing the poopy diapers in the corner, buying you a big trash can with a really tight-fitting lid that helped the nursery not smell like partially digested strained peas? By telling her, "Stay the F away from my babies, you traitor." more »
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June 19, 2007

Paris Hilton: Loved by Walls, Hated by Neighbors

paris hilton mugshot 2.jpg We here at CelebNewsWire make it a priority to know our readers. For instance, we know that you like boobies. Big ones, little ones, symmetrical ones, deformed ones. You like them fully exposed, partially exposed, slipping out of a too loose top, glimpsed beneath semi-sheer gowns. Because of our vast knowledge of our readership, we can also tell exactly what you are doing at this very second. You are biting into an apple cruller, thinking about dunking it into your lukewarm and too bitter coffee, and contemplating the existence of Paris Hilton, how she spends her days in jail, her feelings for her family, what her home life will be like once she's released from that state correctional facility. And now you're staring in awe at your computer screen thinking, "Holy shit, they can see me. The bastards are watching me; and they know I have fake Dakota Fanning porn on my computer!" And now you are using your keyboard to smash your monitor and preparing to run like hell. Yeah, we know you. more »
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June 08, 2007

Dina Lohan Runs Low on Cash, Visits Lindsay in Rehab

dina and lindsay.jpg Dina Lohan is just like any other mother. When her eldest and earningest child gets wise to the fact that normal Hollywood managers don't take a 40% cut of their clients' salaries, she gives her up as a lost cause and turns to exploiting her more gullible and still befreckled and cuddly offspring. But when you've got a TV show all about your excellent mothering skills to promote, visiting your forgotten child in coke detox becomes a necessary nuisance. BestWeekEver reports:
Lindsay Lohan’s manager-mom Dina is en route to Los Angeles, to visit Lindsay at Promises rehab in Malibu, BestWeekEver.TV has exclusively learned.

Dina’s visit will mark the first visit by a family member, since Lindsay entered Promises last week. “First and foremost, Dina is a mother, and Lindsay and Dina can’t wait to see each other,” a source tells BWE.tv. “Lindsay is in a great place, emotionally and physically, and this is great for her.”

The source adds that while in L.A., Dina will also play babysitter - to Lindsay’s dogs! Awww….
Were Dina a normal mom visiting her daughter in rehab, this visit would've happened a week ago and consisted of many tears and encouraging words, and possibly a care package from Krispy Kreme or Sephora. But this is Dina we're talking about. The conversation probably centered on which bouncers at Hyde would let thirteen-year-old Ali through the door and which nights they worked, and the care package probably consisted of a couple eightballs stuffed inside a hollowed-out teddy bear with a removable head and some blank checks made out to Dina for Lindsay to sign. more »
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May 09, 2007

Georgia Rule #7: Never Let Your Mom Near Your Movie Premiere

lindsay and dina.jpg Dina Lohan is finally realizing her destiny of becoming the white Oprah. Except her only topical guest is her daughter, whom she'll talk to over and over and over until Lindsay gets mad and yells in Dina's camera, "God, Mom, why don't you get your own life. Don't you have friends who are old like you that you could hang out with? You could go shopping for pantsuits and have some early bird specials or clean your dentures together or whatever old ladies do." more »
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April 20, 2007

More Britney Daddy Problems--and We're Not Talking About Kevin

britney appalled 2.jpg Britney Spears's dad seems to be using Michael Lohan as his role model and making BFF with the gossip columns. We'd watch out if we were you, Jamie, because the last we heard Britney was still speaking to you and you weren't a recent convict. Although we haven't been keeping up with our subscription to Lives of Lesser Spearses Monthly, so maybe we missed something. more »
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March 28, 2007

Lindsay to Dad: "I Liked You Better as a Convict"

lindsay and michael lohan.jpg When you've thoroughly f'ed up your life with drugs and assault and prison, you can at least be assured that after your stint in the pokey, where you learned how to write really awesome songs and draw meaningful pictures, your eldest daughter will outstretch her fully rehabbed arms and yell, "Welcome home, Daddy!" Well, unless you're Michael Lohan. Then you're screwed. more »
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March 27, 2007

Thora Birch's Dad--the New Klaus Kinski!

thora birch.jpg We suppose that there are myriad drawbacks to being the offspring of two porn stars. Discussions of the office would include words like "jizz" and "gangbang", and of course the high-school-hallway taunts of "Hey, Thora, your mom sure is good at sucking dick." But having your dad on set while you're trying to film a simulated sex scene and the director is yelling "Harder! Faster!" has to be one of the worst. more »
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