CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: celebrity hookups

November 24, 2008

Edie Britt + Joe Dirt = Luv

nicollette_sheridan_feet.jpgWhen one's last long term beau is Michael Bolton, there's nowhere to go but up. Or so you'd think. Impossibly hardbodied Desperate Housewife Nicollette Sheridan has traded the luscious steel wool locks of Mr. Bolton for the hightlighted Goo Goo Dollsian shag of . . . David Spade. OK! dishes it:
Even though Nicolette Sheridan and David Spade have yet to verbally confirm that they’re a couple, the pair let their body language do the talking on Friday night.

The Desperate Housewives star was celebrating her 45th birthday at new L.A. hot spot Luau in Beverly Hills — the same place they were spotted together a few weeks ago at the grand opening — and onlookers tell OK!, “Nicolette and David were full-on making out!”

The duo arrived separately and even started the dinner at separate booths but couldn’t resist each other for long! According to witnesses, Spade winked at Sheridan and stood at her side while she blew out the candles on her cake. After that, the two retreated to a booth where they cuddled and kissed.
Out of all the Saturday Night Live alumni, who would have guess that Spade would end up the #1 cocksman pulling quality trim like Heather Locklear and Nicollette. Next, Joe Piscopo will starting dating Jessica Alba and we'll see Jennifer Aniston sharing spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style with Rich Hall. Who will write a Sniglet about it. "Slurpghetti: (n) when you're slurping spaghetti with the star of Friends and then you kiss the star of Friends P.S. I'M BANGING JENNIFER ANISTON THE STAR OF FRIENDS", it will read. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

Evan Rachel Wood Trades Vampire for Alien Boy

evan_rachel_gordon_levitt.jpg Two straight years of toggling gray-haired, droopy nuts can really wear on a girl. So after a long, lonely time filled with Marilyn Manson's toupee and absinthe, then a rumor she was doing Mickey Rourke, Evan Rachel Wood has possibly, hopefully, found a nice young man her own age: That Kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun. Hit us, IMDb!
Actress Evan Rachel Wood has sparked reports she's moved on from her romance with rocker Marilyn Manson - after she was spotted in the arms of actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Los Angeles.

The 21-year-old star and 3rd Rock From The Sun actor, 27, appeared together on 9 November at the Hamilton Behind the Camera Awards. And according to the National Enquirer, Wood has ignited a new love affair.

A source tells the tabloid, "This thing with Joseph has come out of nowhere. They've taken everyone by surprise. They were having so much fun together. They were dancing wildly, drinking and flirting. Joseph's a genuinely nice guy. He and Evan Rachel are very compatible and make a cute couple. After her relationship with Manson, there's no doubt in my mind her parents are relived she's finally dating someone clean-cut and closer to her age."
Awesome, let's think of a cute celebrity nickname for the two lovebirds! How about Jason Gorchel-Evseph Rachdon-Wooditt? Catchy! more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

November 17, 2008

Kate Hudson Is a Very Brave Stupid Woman

kate_hudson_bring_it_on.jpg We've never thought that Kate Hudson was too smart. She sort of reminds us of this girl we knew in high school who thought that Massachusetts was a city in the state of Boston. So we're not too surprised that she doesn't have enough brains to think, "Gee, maybe I shouldn't paw all over Madonna's boyfriend." Because messing with the Madge will get you beat. And to take out Kate, Madonna wouldn't even need her burly bodyguards. The former Mrs. Ritchie would probably just wrap her hulking forearm around Kate's delicate little neck and Kate would be squealing like a thirteen-year-old at a Jonas Brothers' concert. Metro.co.uk reports:
Batten down the hatches – bitch fight on the way.

It looks like Madonna has younger, blonder competition for her New York Yankee pal Alex Rodriguez.

Yes, man eater Kate Hudson – who changes boyfriends as fast as her fashion frocks – was allegedly spotted warming up to A-Rod at a glamour bash in Miami over the weekend.

The pair reportedly got to know each other rather well at the star studded opening of the new Fontainebleau Hotel.

The married sport star reportedly entertained the You, Me and Dupree actress, 29, at a private table as they watched Mariah Carey's sing-song together on the South Beach.

Helpful spies claim: 'Hudson had her arms completely wrapped around A-Rod's waist and every time he leaned over to talk to anyone she would pull him back toward her.

'They were laughing and giggling all night.'

Little wonder Aunty Madge, 50, sent along best buddy Gwyneth Paltrow to keep a watchful eye on her good friend.

Paltrow, 36, reportedly enjoyed an Italian lunch with the A-Rod, 33, at Scarpetta during the day but must have gone off duty once the show started.
Maybe Kate's hoping that A-Rod will use that poet's heart of his to create an ode to her beauty:

Kate
You are so great
I want to take you on a date
And then my penis and your vagina can mate
Cause that is more fun than masturbating
Oh shit, that doesn't rhyme
Aw, fuck it
Love, A-Rod more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

November 14, 2008

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Madonna Loves A-Rod, Ew Ew Ew Ew

madonna_muscles_he-man.jpg Madonna works out for 4 hours a day and rules her offspring with an iron bicep the other hours of the day, so it's amazing to us to find out that she actually finds time to be mushy with her rumored latest beau, ball-handling butt-slapper A-Rod. Who is not just good at swinging a bat; he's also an undercover Pablo Neruda. Reports the NY Post:
MADONNA and Alex Rodriguez are turning to mush over each other. Sources close to Madge tell the Chicago Sun-Times she's so smitten with her rumored Yankee lover, she informed a close pal he "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body." Rodriguez, meanwhile, has been writing "sweet, personal and rambling expressions of his feelings," the paper reports. "Sort of like old-fashioned love notes."
We're trying to imagine what a poem from the soul of A-Rod would sound like.

Madonna Madonna
I wanna
Get on ya
Your delts remind me of
Some sort of really hard object
That is real strong
Like concrete or a baseball bat
Only not long and hard cuz that's gay
Can I borrow your creatine sometime
Also you have blonde hair
more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (2) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

November 13, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Britney? Is it You?

britney_spears_circus_promo.jpg• Promo pic for the new Britney Spears album is more airbrushed than a T-shirt at the county fair. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Is Lindsay Lohan on the sauce again? Does the pope shit in the woods? (Celebitchy)

• Check it out: pictures of Harry Potter's hairy peter. (Cityrag)

• Hugh Hefner is like a father to Kendra Wilkinson. A father who joggles her fake jugs. (Anything Hollywood)

• Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift for Camilla Belle. He has a very difficult life. (Yeeeah!)

• Scarlett Johansson on the cover of some nerd mag with glasses and big old jiggly cleavage. (The Blemish)

• The Adrienne Bailon nude pics were faked, but that doesn't mean you can't still masturbate to them. The glass, it's always half full with us. (Pop on the Pop)

• Kristen Bell bikini pics. Veronica Mars is out of this world! God, that was so clever!!!! (Egotastic)

• Hugh Jackman make a tinkle in his drawers onstage. Awwww, just like Fergie! (IMDb)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

November 11, 2008

Evan Rachel Wood Says "No, Ew" to Mickey Rourke

mickey_rourke_evan_rachel_wood.jpgThe blood isn't even dry on the cutters' razorblades of fans mourning the untimely breakup of Gothbert Gothbert and Holita, and already the media is trying to pair off newly single Evan Rachel Wood with another. Another meaning Mickey Rourke, her costar in the upcoming movie The Wrestler. Evan, however, would like us to know that there is no truth to these rumors and issued the following statement (via Daily Stab):
“Spread the word – I’m not dating Mickey Rourke. Everybody thinks we’re dating and we’re not. Mickey and I bonded while shooting The Wrestler and we became friends, but nothing more. I guess, because of my recent break up, I will be linked to many people, but I am not interested in pursuing a relationship at this point in my life. Any such rumor should not be taken seriously.”
Normally if the press tried to connect a pretty 20-year-old with a hatchet-faced 52-year-old who once mimed squirting honey into Kim Basinger's vagine, we'd laugh and laugh, but in this case it seems perfectly plausible. When one shacks up with Marilyn Manson and it fails to piss off dad? Where does one go? We expect every boyfriend she takes from here on out to be older and more physically repellent than the last; a dating ladder of monstrosity that will not stop until she ends up marrying Shaggy 2 Dope from the Insane Clown Posse. Or Burt Reynolds. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

November 03, 2008

Holly Madison Officially Pulling Criss Angel's Rabbit Out of His Hat

holly_madison_criss_angel_1.jpgDespite her previous protestations to the contrary, Holly Madison confirmed her relationship with magician/secret eldest Jonas brother Criss Angel, when she appeared as his date for the opening of his new Vegas show on Saturday. The former Girl Next Door and the current king of the ankh jewelry section of the dragon and wizard store at the mall kissed in front of cameras, thus bringing their love into the open. It's hard to believe anyone outside of Rock of Love also-rans would date Mr. Angel, but then we realized that after years of coaxing boners out of an octogenarian, any dude who doesn't require a triple dose of Cialis and a dick splint to get an erection is a welcome sight.



holly_madison_criss_angel_2.jpgholly_madison_criss_angel_3.jpg
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 30, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Is That Cher's Outfit From "If I Could Turn Back Time"?

rihanna-performing_sexy_lac.jpg • Give to Rihanna your leather, take from her your lace. (Flisted)

• Britney Spears vows cellulitecy. No, wait, celibacy. (EntertainmentWise)

• Behold! It's Zuma Zoom Zoom Lunesta Rocknrolla Rossdale! (Yeeeah!)

• Victoria Beckham will model lingerie for Emporio Armani. Because nothing says seduction like screw-on tits and visible vertebrae. (Holy Moly)

• Britney sports some futuristic camel toe. (Cityrag)

• Bill Pullman's son was arrested for possessing moonshine. One more time: Bill Pullman's son was arrested for possessing moonshine. (CelebWarship)

• Adam Levine from Maroon 5 is a surprisingly successful cocksman. Now he's nabbed Sophie Monk, the lucky so-and-so. (Daily Stab)

• Julia Roberts said "no one wants to see an old hooker." See it? We live it, baby! (Evil Beet)

• Meadow Soprano is dating Turtle. (Hollywood Backwash)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 24, 2008

Mandy Moore Reunites with Her Least Offensive Ex

mandy_moore_dj_am_kiss.jpg We miss Mandy Moore. We will see every one of her movies, no matter what. Even if we have to sit through Diane Keaton being turned into an insufferable harridan or Robin Williams laboring under the false pretense that he is funny, it will be worth it. She is a ray of light wrapped in rainbows riding a pegacorn followed by a pumpkin coach full of fluffy kittens and melodious songbirds. And even if—and we're serious about this—she were to do the unthinkable and star in a movie opposite Dane Cook, we would see it. That's just how much we love Mandy Moore. So even though we're undecided on DJ AM (he dated Nicole Richie when she was friends with Paris Hilton, so he has a bit too much skank-by-association for our taste), we're happy to hear they're back together. Reports Celeb Warship:
Although they ended their two month relationship in 2007, Mandy Moore and DJ AM are reportedly dating again. A source told Us Weekly the pair reunited shortly after DJ AM’s September Learjet crash.

“It’s back on,” a DJ AM source says in the newest issue of Us Weekly.

“Since the accident, it’s blossomed into something again.”

Moore, 24, rushed to DJ AM’s side after the September 19 plane crash that left him with burns on his arm and scalp, injured Travis Barker, 32, and killed four others.

Continues the insider, “Mandy said, ‘I like this guy a lot and I want to see where it can go again. Life is too short to not be with someone you really care about.’”

Says a second DJ AM source, “When you go through what Adam went through, you need people you love and people who love you. He will never stop loving her.”

Mandy and DJ AM made their first public appearance together at the October 18 Friendly House event in Beverly Hills. A witness said, “He was holding her hand, and they were rubbing each other’s backs.”
This is the part where we're supposed to say something snarky, right? Well, screw your celebrity-gossip-blog expectations! We could never say a harsh word about Mandy, and now that DJ AM once again sees that she's the pinnacle of joy and love, he becomes immune from our celeb deriding wrath as well. So mazel tov to you, Mandy and AM. Plus, now that we've seen how truly low Mandy's taste in men can go (we're looking at you, Ryan Adams), DJ AM seems like a right good chap. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 22, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Charlize, Pleez

charlize_theron_butt.jpeg• I see London, I see Iraq. I see Charlize Theron's ass crack. (The Nip Slip)

• Mary-Kate Olsen gets in an accident with an El Pollo Loco truck. Oh, sweet irony. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Guy Ritchie wastes no time--he's allegedly hooking up with actress Kelly Reilly, who has red hair and almost certainly does not resemble gristle. (Celebitchy)

• Britney Spears debuts some dance moves, gives us a teasing slice of midriff. Oh, you little minx. (Cityrag)

• WAG Amanda Carraway will get seedy for Playboy. Get it? Seed? Ha ha ha? Yes? (Hollywire)

• Kim Kardashian gives boyfriend Reggie Bush some TLC in the hospital. TLC meaning Titanic Leviathan Can. (Bitten and Bound)

• Former Atomic Kitten and present UK reality harlot Kerry Katona is very sober and articulate in a new interview. (The Blemish)

• This one time, Alyson Hannigan stuck a flute up her pussy. And the flute got her pregnant! Mazel tov. (Pop on the Pop)

• Nick Hogan's out of jail! Christ, we're SO EXCITED! Nick Hogan RULES! HE RULES!!!! (Derek Hail)
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 21, 2008

Reunited and It Feels So Preg?

aniston_mayer_date.jpgSo Jennifer Aniston's back with John Mayer. Perhaps she took a long, cold look at herself in the harsh light of day and realized that she's as dull and Mayer's music, and thus they are a perfect match. Or maybe she got a little taste of that storied John Mayer hog and craved more. Or, hey, maybe she's pregnant! Wouldn't that make for a heartwarming tale to splash across the front of the tabloids? And just in time for the holiday season! Australia's New Weekly makes the bold pronouncement:
After a spate of secret dates, the cat's now out of the bag for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, as NW exclusively reveals the reason behind their surprise reunion — the actress is pregnant with his child!

The pair made their first outings as a reunited couple last week, enjoying a romantic weekend in New York and a concert in Boston. But while friends are scratching their heads about what made Jen take the playboy musician back, the smile the actress has been wearing says it all — she's pregnant and loving it!
So now we're not even going by slightly loose-fitting shirts or gently touching one's abdomen when frenziedly predicting a celebrity pregnancy. Now we're going by a smile. Then again, this is Australia, a land of convicts and miscreants and hobos and players of the digeridoo, maybe smiling is just their ancient aboriginal way of confirming a baby on the way. And if a dangling boomerang over the mother's stomach twirls clockwise, it means it's a girl. And that the Wombat King will rise from the outback and shower the land with rain and vegemite. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 20, 2008

"Like Cuddling up to a Piece of Gristle"

Madonna_ropy_muscles_gristle.jpg Lately we've noticed a pattern with Madonna. We won't hear much out of her for a few months, she'll be busy palling it up with JT in the studio or touring or otherwise completing tasks that might be considered work. And then for about two weeks there will be about ten stories a day about her. Divorce, no divorce, affair with A-Rod, Kabbalah cheerleader, feud with brother, sham feud with brother, kissing random girls onstage because she's edgy and dangerous, something about Sandra Bernhard or Jose Conseco. It's just too much. We can't keep up. We kind of even miss proper British lady Madonna, who would show up in magazine spreads all decked out in tweed showing off her horses and her castle and talking about her inspirational children's books. Instead it's sex, sex, sex, and who wants to hear about that? At this point, imagining Madonna having sex is sort of like watching your five-foot-two-and-built gym teacher demonstrate putting a condom on a banana. Not exactly erotic. So it's probably good news that Madonna and Guy Ritchie haven't seen each other's pee-pees in over a year. Reports our own condom-application demonstrator, FemaleFirst:
Madonna and Guy Ritchie didn't have sex for 18 months as their marriage crumbled.

The couple - who announced last week they were separating, ending months of rumours - reportedly didn't get close beneath the sheets because the 'Hung Up' singer was too tired for love due to her gruelling daily 4-hour workouts.

A friend close to the pair said: "Guy got more and more frustrated as she spent nearly half the day exercising. When she did eventually get home she'd be too tired to make love.

"When the cracks first started to show, Guy would plead with her to spend more time with him but she wouldn't. She'd insist she did her four-hour workout. They've been apart so much in the last two years that their opportunities to make love would have been fairly limited. They've also been in separate rooms a lot after big rows so there wasn't any chance to make up."

It has also been claimed that Guy, 40, found 50-year-old Madonna's super-toned body a turn-off, and yearned for the soft, womanly curves she had when they first fell in love after meeting in 1999.

The 'RocknRolla' director is reported to have confided in a friend he was finding his superstar star spouse less attractive the more fitness obsessed she became.

The pal told Britain's News of the World newspaper: "After a few drinks one evening, Guy said it was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle. All the soft feminine tones had been replaced by the build of an athlete."
Guy might like a nice marble of fat, but it seems that Alex Rodriguez likes the challenge of stringy, chewy meat. Apparently A-Rod and Madge are still hitting it, and she wants him to put a fetus in her half-century-old uterus. According to the Daily Mail:
Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez, despite her age.

The singer is planning her future with the American baseball player, it emerged last night.

There is no suggestion that Madonna has to date had a physical relationship with Rodriguez.

However, a friend said: 'She thinks he's physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.'
Yeah, we don't believe this story AT ALL. What's more likely is that Madonna will see A-Rod's kids, stick her special "I claim this child in the name of Madonna" flag in them, and make them start calling her Mommy. Pregnancy is just too time consuming. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

Adultery, Anyone?

david_duchovny_footsie.JPGAlthough Spanglish star and put-upon soon-to-be-ex of David Duchovny Tea Leoni is most likely making sneaky love with Billy Bob Thornton, she is not the only adulterer in the now-defunct union. The UK's blab rag, The Daily Mail, has an exclusive interview with Edit Pakay, a Hungarian tennis coach who's been Duchovny's instructor for the past year. Edit gushes:
'We have a very, very close friendship. I don't want to be the third person in the marriage but I know it can be seen that way.

'David and I are very close friends and we still play tennis together. He's an excellent player. He likes physically strong, fit women.

'He is in great shape. He is a wonderful man. He's a very intelligent, very kind and good man.'

When asked directly if her relationship with the film and TV star had developed into a full-blown sexual affair, Edit said: 'I don't want to say anything that might hurt David. I am not going to deny it. I don't know what our relationship means to him.'
Way to give an interview with a scandal paper and admit your scandal in the most obvious yet obtuse way possible. She might as well have said, "Oh, I've lobbed David's balls loads of times. On the court! On the court. No, but seriously, I love him. 30-Love him! Oh, we cause a racket together every night. A tennis racket, that is! No, but I'm also having sex with him. Tennis . . . court . . . sex . . . racket." more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

October 16, 2008

Predictable Headline: The Ex Files

david_duchovny_tea_leoni.jpgDavid Duchovny was recently cured of the urge to indiscriminately cram his boner into any passing hole and released from sex rehab back into the arms of his loving wife off 11 1/2 years, Tea Leoni. At least that's what we briefly thought, but today People reported that the pair have actually been split for months. Shows how much we know.
"In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children."
It sounds like a pretty cut and dry situation: husband can't seem to stop fucking stuff, so wife gets exasperated and leaves, right? Apparently, no. The Daily Mail reports:
It was not [Duchovny's] 'sexual compulsion proclivity' that caused the break-down of their marriage, but rather his discovery of explicit text messages on her mobile phone sent by actor Billy Bob Thornton. Through the texts Duchovny found out she had begun a relationship with Thornton. Billy Bob met Tιa when they made a comedy film together earlier this year called Manure. Thornton, a musician with his own band, has been seen with Tιa at his gigs. 'She even helps him load and unload his truck,' says a friend of the couple.
Well, can you blame Tea? Raising your family with the sex symbol star of the X Files and rakishly charming Californication actor OR carrying a bass amp for the retarded guy from Sling Blade. It's really no contest. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

September 24, 2008

Drew Barrymore Gets a Piece of Chuck Bass Ass

drew_barrymore_is_a_pirate.jpg We'd been hearing that Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst were in some sort of fantasy catfight that went something like this: "I'm a Mac!" "No, I'm a Mac!" And then devolved into lots of face scratching. But apparently that is so yesterday to Drew, as she's now scored herself some young (Totally not gay! Chace is just his roommate! He swears!) Gossip Girl ass. You go girl! Rawr! Get your cougar on! And so on and so forth with the lame things your fellow PTA moms will say. According to Us Weekly:
New couple alert!

Drew Barrymore and Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick were spotted "in a full-on make-out session" at a NYC concert for alt-rockers Kings of Leon Tuesday night.

Westwick's co-star Chace Crawford was also with them in the V.I.P. area at Webster Hall, but contrary to blog reports, he was not kissing Barrymore.

After the concert, Barrymore, 33, and Westwick, 21, took their PDA to Bowery Electric, according to New York's Daily Intel.

It is the second time in a week that Barrymore and Westwick locked lips, another source tells Us.

They were spotted chatting this past weekend at a Saturday Night Live after-party, which The Kings of Leon also played.

"Chemistry was there!" a witness tells Us of the two.

They then headed to NYC's hip Fat Cat Billiards, where they stayed until 6 a.m., shooting pool with Gossip Girl cast members (including Crawford), actress Ellen Page and Emile Hirsch.

"Drew was hanging all over Ed!" a witness tells Us, denying more reports that she had also smooched Crawford. "They were full-on making out!"

Adds the witness, "They were definitely all over each other. It was on!"
New couple alert! OMG, you guys, I can't believe they're dating! But they're so so perfect for each other. They would have the prettiest babies. I am so totally totally glad that Ed and Chace aren't gay; they are both so dreamy. McDreamy even. Lol. I wonder if Chace would like me? I bet he likes girls who read. He looks smart. Maybe I'll impress him with my knowledge of Twilight. Those books are so deep, he would definitely think I was smart if I talked about them. He would so marry me. And then we'd buy a house next door to Drew and Ed, and Drew would be my best friend and French braid my hair while our husbands were off filming Gossip Girl. That is so going to rock. I can't wait.

UPDATE: There's photographic evidence! more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

September 18, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian

kim_kardashian_butt_latex.jpg • Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

• Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

• Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

• Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

• Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

• Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

• 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

• Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

• Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

September 16, 2008

Bartnett? Harton? Jischa?

barton_hartnett_hookup.jpgWe recently warned musicians of Los Angeles to hold onto their peters, because Mischa Barton was newly single. But we neglected to warn thespians in London, and the Misch attempted to lure Josh "Dewey Decimal Humper" Hartnett into her web. The Daily Mail records the tale as only a charming British tabloid can:
Not content to have a lifestyle and career most people would kill for, Mischa Barton also had the pleasure of hooking up with gorgeous actor Josh Hartnett after they bumped into one another at trendy club Bungalow 8 last night.

Mischa, who recently split from musician boyfriend Taylor Locke is clearly keen to put the past behind her.

The OC star spent a good hour writhing in front of Josh at the bar last night, and must have made an impression as they both headed back to his hotel at the end of the night.

Not to suggest that anything happened between the extremely good-looking and single pair - and Mischa did trundle back to her own hotel an hour later.

The actress, 22, looked desperate to impress Josh at the Temperley afterparty at Bungalow 8 when she arrived at 11pm.

Josh, 30, was sitting with Kings Of Leon drummer Nathan Followill and seemed more interested in his conversation than the strutting beauty.

A source said: 'Josh looked pretty bored and was totally ignoring Mischa. She persisted though, and kept getting closer and closer to their table while dancing provocatively. Lots of girls were trying to get near their table, where the two guys were drinking champagne and vodka cocktails. Mischa had a lot to contend with, but didn't give up.'

Later, in the toilets, Nathan was overheard warning Josh off Mischa. The source added: 'Nathan told him that he thought she talks too much.'
To be fair, talking too much would be the least of your worries when dating Mischa Barton. One has to take into consideration the fact that much of your day would be spent defending your lady's thighs against cellulite-spotters. And lighting her spliffs. And carrying spare Tampax Pearls in your pockets. A Mischa Barton boyfriend's work is never done. You might even say it takes a man with incredibly large balls to fill such a role. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

September 04, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Harry Potter and the Underaged Bone

christina_ricci_hot_bikini.jpg• Get a black snake bone. Look at Christina Ricci in a bikini. (The Blemish)

• Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)

• Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)

• Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)

• Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)

• Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)

• Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)

• Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)

• Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)

AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

Britney Spears: VMA Appearer, Teen Sex Haver

britney_spears_bubble_gum.jpg It's now time to check in on the non-bikini-ensconced life of one Ms. Britney Jean Spears. Where will life find her today? Doing laundry and changing diapers like any typical mother of two toddlers? Probably not. Planning her 1,278th comeback? Now you're talking. Our girl will once again be opening the MTV Video Music Awards, airing this Sunday. Brit said in a statement:
MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I'm excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.
And according to TMZ, Brit won't sing or dance at the awards, but that's not so shocking. She didn't actually sing or dance during her performance last year either, so maybe Spears will end up hitting the stage. Semantics. We're sort of hoping that Brit will appear onstage in a straight jacket, her polyester hair all wild and disheveled. That, or she should come out in manpris and cornrows as a tribute to early Kevin Federline and the beginning of her own decline.

And speaking of men who have visited Brit's clam chute, her mommy claims Britney was humping like mad at fourteen. According to our gossip baby mama, FemaleFirst:
Britney Spears had sex at 14 and started taking drugs aged 15, according to her mother.

Lynne Spears' shocking revelations also include claims Britney began drinking at 13 and was introduced to drugs when she went to Los Angeles to record her first hit.

The 'Toxic' singer was even allegedly caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet when she was just 16.

Dispelling claims Britney lost her virginity to her former pop star boyfriend Justin Timberlake, Lynne says in her book 'Through the Storm' her daughter first had sex with an 18-year-old American football player while she attended her local high school in Kentwood, Louisiana, for a year before becoming a teen pop star.

Lynne admits she allowed Britney, aged 16, to sleep with Justin.

A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "Lynne thought Britney was in love and Justin was good for her."
Does Lynne expect us to be shocked that she has a room in her house equipped with a deluxe king-size pillowtop and lots and lots of lube with a sign on the door that says "Teen Sex Room"? Cause we are. Shocked. Outraged. Appalled. But most of all just wishing that we could go back in time and implant our little fetal self in Lynne Spears's womb. Sure, the genetic crazy would be tough, but that teen sex room sounds awesome. Way better than the Panasonic and Barcalounger room of our teen years. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

September 02, 2008

Hot New Couple Alert: Jacko and Pam Anderson?

michael_jackson_bandages_plastic_surgery.jpg Some celebrity couples just make sense. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are well matched in their overall perfection. Rhys Ifans and Kimbo Stewart probably share a similar body odor and grease sheen. And Michael Jackson and Pamela Anderson each remain about 27% human, 73% synthetic. Perfect! According to our gossip soul mate, FemaleFirst:
Michael Jackson is reportedly dating Pamela Anderson.

Pop legend Michael, 50, has met former 'Baywatch' star Pammie, 41, for two dates in Malibu, California, sparking rumours the pair are enjoying a budding romance.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "It was all arranged by their people in total secrecy, very cloak and dagger. Michael is such a private person. He gets nervous when he thinks people are following him around, so he chose somewhere neutral for their first date.

"They arrived separately at the Shutters Hotel on Malibu beach so no one would suspect anything and then had a few drinks at the bar."

Michael and Pammie hid away in a corner of the bar for privacy, and appeared to be enjoying each other's company.

The source added: "They were very friendly. Pamela was being her usual flirty self and Michael seemed to be responding. They are such a strange couple but they seemed to really hit it off."

The pair got on so well on their first date, they have met up again already, going for a coffee at the Country Mart in Malibu.
We are totally for this match. Just think, they would have such beautiful children. They would have their mother's plump lips and their father's slender nose. It would be striking. Plus, it would help to pioneer the science of infant plastic surgery. Lots and lots and lots of infant plastic surgery. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

August 26, 2008

The Dunst Takes Another Mate

dunst_long.jpgWhat happened to the CelebNewsWire of yore? The one full of Lindsay Lohan inviting 3 Italian men into her clam and Kate Moss transporting class A drugs over borders in Faberge eggs and Fred Durst begging ladies to touch his balls and his ass? We're tired of talking about babies and baby bumps and baby names! When did Hollywood go middle aged? We scoured and scoured and scoured the internet today to find some tidbit, some tiny little nugget, involving a salacious hookup or depraved sexual proclivity. And all we were able to come up with was Kirsten Dunst screwing the Mac Guy. Take it away, New York Daily News:
Now it's Justin Long's turn on the Kirsten Dunst train. The "Mac guy" was snogging Dunst, who's been with Jake Gyllenhaal, Josh Hartnett, Andy Samberg and Orlando Bloom, in L.A. at Sunset Junction. The duo "were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas," says our spy. "They were holding hands and were all over each other."
Remember when Dunst was allegedly hooking up with another of Drew Barrymore's exes, Strokes Guy? And now Mac Guy. Kiki does enjoy the Barrymore sloppy seconds. Especially sloppy seconds consisting of men known primarily by their main employer plus the word "guy". Next up, Kirsten will date Irish Bar Guy and Hole Guy and That One Guy Who Pushed Donna Martin Down the Stairs Guy. more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (0) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

August 22, 2008

Winona Ryder Goes Green

winona_eyes.jpgThese days, Winona Ryder is mainly known for two things. Stealing stuff, and granting any guy with a guitar an all-access laminate into her musky and moist backstage area. But the latter fact may soon be history, as it sounds like she's traded musicians for irritating chinless dudes from the '90s. According to our personal gossip holy man, Female First:
Winona Ryder is reportedly dating comedian Tom Green.

The 'A Scanner Darkly' actress, who is said to have split from Rilo Kiley rocker Blake Sennett just a few weeks ago, was seen cuddling Tom in Hollywood's Crown Bar last week.

Friends claim Winona is already smitten with the Canadian funnyman after the pair hit it off on their date. A source said: "Winona didn't waste any time. She and Tom were all over each other, laughing and carrying on."
We're sick of seeing actresses with emo weenies like Pete Wentz and the brothers Madden, so we welcome a new trend of actresses dating washed-up MTV stars from last decade. Miley Cyrus and Jesse Camp would make a nice match. So would Jennifer Aniston and Simon Rex. But we're more enraptured with the idea of Tom Green saying "Winnie would you like some sausage?" to Winona during foreplay.
more »
AddThis Social Bookmark Button | comments comments (1) | send to a friend send to a friend

-------------

August 07, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Supa Dupa Krupa

krupa_naked_maxim.jpg • Joanna Krupa gets naked for Maxim. Maxim-um mammage. (The Blemish)

• Mr. Skin asks: who's the hottest dame in a superhero movie? (Mr. Skin)

• Beauty and the Undereye Bags: Catherine Keener is porking Benicio del Toro. (Hollyscoop)

• Shia the Beef will not have to have his pinky amputated. So. Uh. Great, we guess. (Celebitchy)

• 46-21-55. Kim Kardashian in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Kate Moss switched lives with her nanny for a day. Which marks the first time Kate has seen her child since its birth. Awww. (Female First)

• Jessica Alba humps a chair like her name was Nomi Malone. (Cityrag)

• Jessica Simpson strips for Tony Romo via webcam. Haw, like we're supposed to believe Jessica Simpson knows how to turn a computer on? (peanut gallery: "Well, she sure know how to turn ME on! Ahahahaha!") (Holy Taco)

• Sienna Miller's friends maintain that she did not wreck Balthazar Getty's marriage. She just stuck a knife in its already rotting corpse and twisted it around and then cut off its head is all. (CelebWarship)

• Morgan Freeman and his wife split. We blame Sienna Miller. (Daily Stab)