CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week, despite launching her range, as the Brits say, of totally awesome, hot, sexy, fashionable leggings. First off, she's fighting with her clam slammer, reports Page Six:
YOU'D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight," said our spy. "Evan Ross, Diana's son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears."
We think we're beginning to admire Sam Ronson. She seems like she doesn't take any shit from anyone, she always has a really sour look on her face, and we're guessing that when Lindsay is at her most annoyingly self-indulgent Sam barks, "Bitch, STFU or I won't lick your pussy tonight." And we're also guessing that's the only thing that could ever make Lindsay shape up. Maybe Linds should employ Sam as her manager instead of Dina. We bet nobody would dare fire Lindsay if Sam were in charge, but when Mommy's pulling the strings, this happens (via Yeeeah!):
Patriot Pictures tells E! News that Lohan is no longer a part of “Ye Olde Times,” a rom-com in the world of Renaissance Faire. “We have just decided to go our separate ways. We currently have an offer out to another actor.” [Patriot Pictures] would not say whether Lohan was being replaced for insurance, scheduling reasons or for her reputation for being difficult on set.
Was Lindsay insisting on making the costumes too? "People at Ren Faires wear leggings; I make leggings. It'll be genius." Because those things Lindsay is substituting for pants are definitely grounds for dismissal.
That Madonna. She's so new, so fresh, so full of reinvention. You just never know what she's going to do next, but you do know that it will blow your mind. Just last night--oh my God, you are not going to believe this, it's so crazy and original--she kissed a girl onstage! That is like so . . . so . . . new! We've never before in our lives seen a super famous lady mingle her tongue with another lady's in front of a live audience. Oh, you know, except for that other time Madonna did it. Maybe Madge is finally over the hill and out of ideas. Next thing you know she'll be dating Dennis Rodman again. What's not lost though? Madonna's way with a phrase. She told the audience at the Paris concert:
"I'm always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people. Vive la France!"
Ho ho! Does she also love polling Poles? Because the world is very interested in where they stand on whether or not Miley Cyrus is a whore for allowing backal nudity in a family publication. Maybe Madonna is the right woman to get the straight answers out of those wily Poles. No one can lie to Madonna.
Did you forget that Lindsay Lohan is supposedly a lesbian? Yeah, we did too. It's kind of like the last time Julia Roberts was pregnant, we forgot until the kid was crowning, only this time our memory will only really, permanently be jogged when we see Linds with her tongue exploring another lady's infant chute. We don't think we'd soon forget that image. But apparently we're not the only one who needs reminding that Lindsay likes to dine on DJ Sam's clam, as Page Six reports:
Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."
We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.
Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka. more »
It has long been rumored that Lost/Bloodrayne star Michelle Rodriguez enjoys snacking on the loins of the fairer sex. Pretty much everyone assumes that she's a lesbian, but she's never officially come out, and don't expect her to do so anytime soon. In an interview with Latina magazine, Michelle opened her mouth and blasted us with a hot, fiery dose of vulva breath bile in regards to people speculating about her sexuality:
"I don't answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it's nobody's business. If I want to fuck a girl, a boy, a dog - that's my business. That's why there are bathroom doors.
"What the majority of people want to know is what I'm doing with my vagina, and I think that's sick. What do you care who I'm dating? I can tell when somebody just wants to know about sex. And it makes me sick.
"I picture those people turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off."
Listen, Michelle Rodriguez. Just because you and your canine partner enjoy your copulation behind the romantic confines of these fancy "bathroom doors" you're so keen on and we're stuck here alone in our pens, rubbing our genitals with our hooves, man, that doesn't make you better than us. more »
• Beyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (Celebitchy)
• Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)
• Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)
• Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)
Lindsay Lohan enjoys wearing spandex blends that gently mold themselves to her labial folds, so it comes as no surprise that people who love vaginae would come sniffing around. We're speaking, of course, of lesbians. Famous lesbians. Samantha Ronson and Courtenay "My dad owns Yahoo" Semel are reportedly staging an epic battle to win the heart and fiery crotch of the Lohan. A source told Star:
"Sam and Courtenay fight for Lindsay's attention. Both have told her they love her."
Samantha reportedly kept in constant contact with Lohan even when she was in rehab through their MySpace page.
One of the love letters Lohan reportedly sent Samantha reads, "Your [sic] all I have to live for babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live!"
However, Courtenay and Lohan were reportedly living together in the Hollywood Hills until the two had a fight. But Courtenay still "can't let go of Lindsay, and she'll do what she can to win her back."
What does a lesbian battle look like? We picture it to be a lot like Obi Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader, only with silicone G-Spotters instead of light sabers. And dental dams instead of Vader masks. And crotchless panties instead of capes and robes. And a canopy bed instead of outer space. So actually, it's nothing like Star Wars, but exactly like Clam Slam 8: The Deadliest Snatch. more »
Pink is certainly living up to her colorful moniker--now that she and BMX bandit husband Carey Hart are divorcing, rumors are flying that the reason might have something to do with the fact that she prefers the ham-hued folds of the fairer sex's laps. Says the Enquirer, via Celebitchy:
Recently Pink has been spotted hanging with the openly gay cast members of Showtime’s The L Word at Hollywood’s hotspot Falcon and watching the nearly-naked female go-go dancers at Truck Stop, a popular ladies’ night in West Hollywood, said the insider.
She and a posse of girlfriends also hit Eleven Nightclub in West Hollywood, posing for pictures with the buff star of lesbian movie “The Gymnast.”
A recently internet report also said Pink was seen cavorting with a woman on Feb. 7 at Macy Gray’s private showcase at The Hotel Cafe in Los Angeles…
A pal of Carey’s said: “They had an open relationship and it worked for a while. But at some point Pink quit telling Carey about her affair with women. Then he’d find out and confront her. Eventually, he went back to womanizing and all that was left… was to divorce.”
Isn't this situation like every dude's dream? Marrying some incredibly rich dame who brings other ladies home and into your waiting bed? This is grounds for swooning, not divorce papers, Carey Hart. You foolish cur. Now you will just have to go back to wearing your sunglasses at night.
Remember when Angelina Jolie touched titties with other broads? Those were the days you remember. Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this. Taking a cue from the loquacious Jenny Shimizu, another lady has come forward with tales of girl-on-girl Jolie seduction. According to FlyNet, production assistant Misty Cooper melted into the mammoth, man-masticating mouth of Jolie after they met on the set of Gone in 60 Seconds.
... one day on set after weeks of flirting and giving strong sexual vibes, they made their move… To Jolie’s trailer!
While Angelina was talking about her sex life, she told Misty that she had many girls but none of them were as good as Billy Bob Thornton. Misty responded with, “But you haven’t had me.” Shortly after an assistant was taking polaroid pictures of the cast and crew on set, and snapped a couple of Angelina and Misty. As you can see in the photos, there was some playful groping involved.
After that, Angelina dropped the bomb; “I want you to come to my trailer, get naked, and we’ll have more fun and more photos.” And although Misty hasn’t revealed what happened once they were inside the trailer, she did say this, “Angie has very soft lips."
Naked photos with a behind-the-scener from a shoot . . . Sapphic intrigue . . . this all sounds oddly familiar. Ohhhh yeah, it's the plot of Jolie's movie Gia. Though we suppose if you're going to ape an Angelina script for the structure of your purported gordita-bumping affair, Gia is a far better choice than, say, Hackers. Nobody really wants to lap labes with someone named Acid Burn with Fisher Stevens lording over the whole sordid event, shouting "HACK THE PLANET!!!" between bites of cyberpuss. more »
Woody Allen may be roughly 300 years old and living a life of pervatude with his former step-daughter, but he's still got it. And by "it" we mean the erectile capacity to still desire seeing two luscious, ample-bosomed sex goddesses do each other on screen. Hooray for Viagra! Page Six reports:
SCARLETT Johansson has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's upcoming "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Cruz's husband. The film also stars Patricia Clarkson, Rebecca Hall, Kevin Dunn and Chris Messina.
Sure, this all sounds hot, but we seriously doubt that we will be "shocked" by the end result. The most erotic a Woody Allen movie gets is a totally-too-hot-for-him lady gushing about how he was the best sex she ever had. And the chick's usually wearing a full body stocking, a Mennonite-inspired full-length denim skirt, and a Land's End parka. So maybe the audience was left gasping because one of the photos developing behind the ladies was of an illegal dog fight. And that threesome with Javier Bardem? We're betting it involves either Scrabble or Balderdash.
Note the picture at left of the lovely Elisha Cuthbert, star of the hit series 24 and general Crabby Patty-about-town. Now imagine Paris Hilton hiking her ruched knit skirt up to her ears, squatting with a smile, her buttflaps fluttering in the breeze, and planting her wart-scarred cooter right on that finger and whirling around like a Sit n' Spin. It could happen! It almost happened! Apparently, the two buddies were spotted getting awfully friendly-like on Tuesday night at NYC hotspot Tenjune. According to US Weekly:
Paris Hilton and actress Elisha Cuthbert were "all over each other and making out" at New York's Tenjune club Tuesday night, a source tells Usmagazine.com.
"Who knew?" says the source of the unlikely pairing.
Hilton, 26, and Cuthbert, 25, didn't arrive at Tenjune together. Hilton was there for a birthday party and was seen dancing on banquets. "It's Paris," says the source. "She loves putting on a show."
Sexy mental images aside, we have grown weary of Paris's displays of desperate attention-whoring. We wish the only shows she would put on would be puppet shows. Though the sight of a tiny hand-controlled tiger doll with one lazy button eye humping a sock puppet riddled with holes and sweat stains probably wouldn't be a big hit with the kindergarten crowd. And athlete's foot doesn't exactly have the same glamor and attraction as the clap, but Paris puppet will take what it can get.
Here's the happy couple from a few months ago. Elisha doesn't exactly look convinced.
We searched high and low today for a peter pleasing Sexy Lady Story, but the pickins they were slim. Sure, we could loosen our definition of celebrity a bit and post some pictures of some girl you've never heard of in a bikini, but that's just not our style. Instead, feast upon Maggie Gyllenhaal luring three pretty ladies into a big ol' bed with her. Of course, the camera gets a big slice of the bedroom door while Maggie's enjoying a couple of slices of furburger, but it's still sexy, right? Maggie and three girls? Pizza and wine? Cheesy softcore music? Sexy, no? Yeah, be would have liked to see some of Maggie's funbaggies too, as it's been quite a while, but she'll come around. One of these days we'll show up at our local arthouse theater to take in a moving tale of a spunky young coffee-shop worker who rises up against her sexiest employer and overthrows the patriarchy with sheer moxie. And nudity. You can't overthrow the patriarchy without nudity.
Eduardo Cruz does not want to be seen as the slightly more rock 'n' roll Enrique Iglesias. He wants to be seen as the slightly more rock 'n' roll Enrique Iglesias who fulfills his taboo childhood fantasies by having his super famous, super hot sister in his video making out with someone who looks like his marginally famous, super hot sister. E! Online reports:
Reports of Penélope Cruz and her sister, Mónica, making out in their younger brother’s new music video have been greatly exaggerated.
Well, more than exaggerated—the reports are wrong!
Just after Christmas, media outlets in Europe reported that singer Eduardo Cruz convinced his sisters to swap spit in the music video for “Cosas Que Contar,” the title track of his debut album. The story quickly spread through the blogoshere with headlines such as "Faux-Dyke Out" and "Cruz Incest Caught on Tape."
But I've got the real story. I can exclusively tell you the gal whom Penélope is smooching is actress Mía Maestro!
While Mónica and Penélope appear in the video as two beauties dubbing a lesbian porn flick into Spanish as well as bathing-suit-clad guitar players, Penélope’s rep tells me there was absolutely no lesbian lip-locking screen time between the two.
Reports even went so far as to claim it was 22-year-old Eduardo’s idea for the smooch, because he always dreamed of watching his sisters get naughty with each other.
Both sisters do appear in the video, whispering lustily into bro's ears and looking like they want to eat his face for dinner. With their vaginas. Then way near the end, there are about two seconds of Penélope trying to eat Mía Meastro's face. With her mouth, unfortunately.
We knew Lindsay couldn't kick the cooter. The girl has (hopefully, maybe, please?) given up the coke and the booze; she's gotta have one vice. And that vice is vadge. According to Page Six:
WE might not see Lindsay Lohan fall into anything serious with a guy anytime soon - sources say the starlet is investing most of her time in her new best friend, Courtenay Semel.
Last week, Lohan attended a holiday and housewarming party at the Los Angeles home of "Power Lesbian" Jeanette Longoria with Semel, the daughter of Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel, one partygoer told Page Six.
The spy at the sapphic soiree also overheard the duo refer to themselves as roommates, and one Hollywood insider claimed they've been living together in a house in LA for about a month.
"Lindsay came with Courtenay to the party around midnight and they stayed for an hour," said our spywitness. "The girls held hands and were with each other the whole time." The tipster added, "Every time I see Lindsay, there's Courtenay. They are always together."
Other insiders said that although the blond actress is still friends with her deejay pal Samantha Ronson - with whom Lohan has reportedly made out in the past - her friends say Lindsay has been spending most of her time recently with Semel.
A rep for Lohan told Page Six, "The two are good friends, nothing more."
Lindsay, of course, subscribes to the John Travolta definition of "good friends," which involves daily explorations of said friend's mouth with your tongue and sticking an occasional finger or two in her vagina.
Also, to kill those hot lesbo fantasies sprouting up in your brain, Courtenay doesn't look a thing like Angelina Jolie. She looks like this:
Huh. It looks like Lindsay might have the same bad-mate criteria as Christina Aguilera: rich and simian.
Ah, the curse of the couples reality show. Only Trista and Ryan remain standing amongst the Mystically-tanned ashes of Nick and Jessica, Bret and Jes, Flav and Brigitte, New York and a bunch of dudes, etc. And now, it seems that America's First Top Model, Adrianne Curry, and the middle Brady may be adding themselves to the refuse. Reports ABC Action News:
Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight threatened to leave his model wife Adrianne Curry when she posed for sexy lesbian photos (NSFW link!) - as a birthday gift.
The incident, which was caught on camera for upcoming reality show My Fair Brady... Maybe Baby, left the upset actor suggesting the couple separate.
The girl-on-girl photos, which Curry has since repeated with a pal for Playboy magazine, were supposed to end a feud over baby plans - but they started a new one.
In the tense episode, which will air in January, Knight says of the photo gift, "It is the physicalisation of my worst fears. It creeps me out. I want a separation."
We informally polled the men here at CelebNewsWire HQ, and it seems that Peter Brady has a case, because "my loved one presenting me with a gift of hot lesbo pics" nearly topped the list of "creepiest and worst relationship fears worthy of a separation". Right under "my loved one bringing Heidi Klum home for some no-strings-attached bicurious threesome action" and "my loved one bringing Heidi Klum and Monica Bellucci home for some no-strings-attached bicurious foursome action"
more »
It's good to know that while Britney Spears is embroiled in a bitter divorce and custody battle, is being investigated on child abuse claims, and is dealing with her career being flushed down the crapper, she's keeping focused on the important things. Like making sure that mean old Paris Hilton gets her just desserts. And if Britney loves anything in this crazy world, it's desserts. According to our gossip sensei, Female First, Brit is threatening to leak some photos of Paris twaddling uvulas with some girl:
A source said: "Britney and her pals wrote to Paris and told her they are hearing rumours of a new sex-tape scandal. The letter also claims the tape shows footage of Paris locking lips with one of Britney's female friends at a party. It warns Paris that if she continues being rude to people, the footage will be leaked online."
How perfectly diabolical. Britney, you mad genius. A picture of Paris Hilton pecking the lips of a female friend! That will surely wipe that wonk-eyed grin right off her face and drag her chaste reputation through the mud. Perhaps next, Britney will threaten to expose Tara Reid as a drinker of alcoholic beverages, or release illicit photographs of Amy Winehouse smoking a cigarette. No one is safe from the vigilantism of Britney Jean Spears. Street justice has a new name. And it's "Weavetracks McGee". more »
We will now join The $25,000 Pyramid already in progress: "Xanadu. 1970s basketball shorts. Uh, uh, oh crap, what's his name? Waylon Smithers. Erasure. John Travolta in a Korean spa." "Oh! Oh! Things that are gay!" Take it away, L.A. Rag Mag:
There’s a junkie Korean spa in Koreatown called Century Spa that no one knows about so it’s cheap and fantastic. It’s also a place that’s been overrun by a slew of gay men cruising for dick in the steam room and clay room.
When we went to get Lynn a body scrub and massage the two Korean women behind the counter were unusually giddy.
“You will never believe who here!”
“Who?” We asked eyes raised.
“Mr. John Travolta!” They exclaimed, exploding into giggles.
Now, why in the name of Liberace, would John Travolta be miles from his home in Korea Town at a men’s spa. For their amazing service? The gorgeous showers with broken tiles?
Once we saw John we instantly ran to our locker to try and take a picture of him, but it didn’t work so we have no proof. But we are telling you straight up our experience, we saw him there, and he was checking out Alex’s Middle Eastern feast in the showers.
This was the wrong thing to do, and we realize that now. We should have flirted with him until he laid his hands on us and we could’ve said, “Dude, I liked you in Hairspray and all, but I’m not like that!”
That would’ve been more hilarious than him in a fat suit.
John, look, no one goes to a Korean Spa unless they WANT to get caught. Stories about you cruising in the steam room have surfaced before so it’s not a surprise.If you come out as gay, then that just makes you that much better of an actor. You fooled the American public for years, and usually you have to be the president to do that.
You silly reporters. That Korean spa is where Johnny conducts all of his meetings with scriptwriters. We hear that he always meets with potential producers at The Manhole. They serve a mean Chicago-style wiener, and Johnny loves a good wiener.
On a related note, we'd like to wish Clay Aiken a very happy 29th birthday.
You may think you are looking at a photo of John Travolta kissing nonagenarian actor Kirk Douglas, but that's just what Kelly Preston looks like without her Church of Scientology-approved wig, make-up, and cloak or agelessness. She is a dead ringer for Michael's pop, though.
We generally don't have much interest in Pink. She's ex-treem, she hates Britney Spears, she's probably divorcing that guy who does some sort of sport type thing that don't give a shit about. Whatever. But you know what we do have an interest in? Two girls making out. Unfortunately when one of those girls is Pink the fantasy is sort of ruined, since we're pretty sure she's actually a dude. In fact, a Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes face sucking contains more estrogen than a Pink + random chick makeout. Our brothel madam, FemaleFirst, reports:
Pink has been seen kissing a woman, further fuelling reports her marriage is in trouble.
The 'Stupid Girls' singer - who has been plagued by rumours her relationship with her motocross star husband Carey Hart is on the rocks - is allegedly so tired of her husband's dalliances with other women she decided to hit back by "making out" with a mystery woman at Santa Monica's Viceroy Hotel.
A source told Australia's New Weekly magazine: "She was flirting the way you'd expect her to flirt with a man, cuddling and being overly affectionate. They were making out."
Pink's representative has strongly denied the star is having a lesbian fling, and insists Pink was just enjoying a night out with her friends.
Carey was reportedly seen dirty dancing with a mystery brunette on a drunken night out without his wife.
A source said: "He was having a great time. Pink wouldn't have been happy!"
The reports have surfaced just weeks after it was claimed Pink was regretting agreeing to an open marriage.
A source said: "Divorce is just around the corner. Carey has this one blonde in particular that he takes everywhere, even public appearances. But Pink knew what she was getting into!"
Pink allegedly agreed that Carey could "play away from home" while she is on tour, but is now getting broody and wants to start a family.
She was recently overheard telling friends at Hollywood restaurant Eleven that she wanted time apart from Carey after just 21 months of marriage.
A source said: "She told them, 'We're just not getting along anymore. We each need our space. We need our distance. It's not like it was when we first started.' "
When asked about their marriage in September, Carey, 32, said "everything's fine".
A representative for Pink, 28, branded rumours the couple are splitting up as "complete bullshit."
God, we never thought two girls kissing could be so boring. Well, unless we were talking about Rosie O'Donnell and her wife, of course. more »
After shotgunning a cool domestic beverage and cheering on large, overpaid men bashing the crap out of each other, the next logical step in one's evening would obviously be to reach over and bury your meathooks into the soft, rounded swelling of the female buttock. And that's exactly what Justin Timberlake did to girlfriend Jessica Biel on the sidelines of the Bears-Packers game. Wait, did we say "Justin Timberlake"? We meant "Jessica's very female friend". Justin was too busy gluing his eyes to other asses. The ones on the field. The ones attached to dudes. An onlooker told Star:
"It looked like the friend reached over and squeezed Jessica’s butt while Justin was looking out at the field. Jessica didn’t even flinch - but when Justin suddenly turned around, Jessica’s friend pulled her hand away."
Well good God, Biel is the owner of the most huggable, lovable pair of buns on the planet. How could one possibly be standing next to them and not give them a hearty honk? It would be like walking past a pile of bubble wrap without popping. Or walking by a fresh new pile of snow without making a snow angel in it. Or dropping off hot and sexy Jessica Biel after a mega lesbo-erotic sweaty workout session without leaning in to french her, long and deep and hard.
"...I was stuck in a woman's bathroom once with Susan Sarandon. She was interviewing me for a magazine and we couldn't find a battery for our recording device so we ended up in a woman's bathroom. I discovered two things that day: that the floor in a woman's bathroom is colder than the floor in the men's. And, believe me, I've spent a lot of time on the floor of a men's bathroom so I should know!"
Ah. So we've finally, at long last, found out the origin of the name "Toothy TILE".
• Charlize Theron is Esquire's Sexiest woman. Which is a nicer honor than being Esquire's Stinkiest Belly Button. Yeah, we're still bitter, Esquire. Screw you jerks. (Egotastic!)
• Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'. Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (Derek Hail)
• Man of God proves that Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . . Gayken! (Celebitchy)
• Everybody on earth knows that J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (CelebWarship)
Bai Ling has been nicely filling the sexually omnivorous ding-a-ling void vacated by Angelina Jolie when she became an earth-tone-wearing mommy to babies and Brad Pitt. And now, Bai claims that when she and Ang met on the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow set, the two almost slammed gorditas:
"We shared a special attraction. I felt this energy between us, when we look at each other there is an energy, an attraction. Her eyes transfer a sexual energy to me that makes her irresistible. We could have hooked up, but it just wasn't the right time or place. But she told me, 'My heart's open to you.'
"She is like me. She is totally open sexually."
"I've always thought Brad Pitt was the sexiest man on the planet. So now that Brad and Angelina are together, now maybe I could experience both at the same time!"
Poor sweet Bai is stuck in the blood-and-knives-and-screwing-Jenny-Shimizu Angelina phase. She doesn't seem to understand that for the time being, Angelina has swapped munching the beavs of forlorn little Asians to adopting them. Hi-yoooo! more »
• Nicole Richie in a bikini. Now with more boobs and fetus; less jutting latissimus dorsi. (Egotastic!)
• Drummer gets pounded: Meg White sex tape? We say not her, but here's a challenge: if someone can find and send us a picture of Meg wearing the "D" necklace featured in the hump flick, we will believe. (Derek Hail)
With such demanding roles as Strung-out Supermodel, Female Club-goer, and Herself already stuffing her impressive résumé, Paris Hilton has decided to take her tang to the stage for some lady groping. According to A Socialite's Life:
Paris is set to star in a musical in London in which she'll play a chick in prison who hooks with another gal. The show is based on a popular Australian soap opera called "Prisoner: Cell Block H".
"Paris, who is said to have been keen to tread the boards in the West End for some time, is to star as an inmate in the production set in a women-only prison.
It is believed her character will be involved in a lesbian romp.
The source added: 'Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she's happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it'll be fun to play a lesbian. She'll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.'"
Paris to play a convict who makes out with chicks? Why, we're shocked! That's so out of character. She might as well we playing Eleanor Roosevelt. Such a stretch. We just hope this surely ground-breaking production pares down the script so that Paris's singing part is restricted to a few whispered and breathy lines and her dance moves include a pole and/or a table to make her feel more comfortable. Better yet, cut the singing and dancing altogether and just have Paris and another femme inmate groping and kissing and licking for the entire performance. It would sell tons of tickets and Paris wouldn't have to bother herself with memorizing lines.
Late last week we were made giddy by the prospect of Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern (that asshole) being in cahoots. We thought that by this point in the whole Anna Nicole saga there couldn't be any more surprises, that we could see ever